SS24 and DH driving me round the bend

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I have 2 SDs. One is 21 and one is 26. Neither live with us but my SS24 does. He also lives part of the time with his girlfriend. His father is the biggest enabler I have ever met. My SS has been in junior college for 6 years and still is nowhere close to getting a degree because he only takes one or 2 classes a semester and often drops out of those before they are done.

His father charges him no rent, pays for his food AT THE GIRLFRIENDS, pays his medical, pays his gas and loans him our good car while he is here. He pays all of his tuition and books and does not ask for receipts. My SS, who won't get a job and has no money supposedly, has been having packages arrive at our house. Apparently they are games and computer stuff. Yesterday he got 8 packages! We live paycheck to paycheck and my SS is buying toys with his dad's money.

He has not done a dish in the 6 years I have known him. He does no chores and contributes nothing. I am at the end of my rope with this whole situation. I have tried talking to my DH. I have tried talking to my SS.

I think I have you beat.

My mother kept my younger

My mother kept my younger brother in a similar manner until she died out from under him. This college graduate never married, never worked as an employee but tried various small businesses and investing his inheritance in the bond market.

He's 65yo, effectively broke and driving a cab. He claims to get Social Security but I know he didn't claim anything he didn't have to at tax time so I'm suspicious he doesn't even have that.

I made a search on Amazon.com for you using "failure to launch". Do the same if the following link fails. Buy him the book rated by readers as the best one and give it to Daddy. He's emotionally killing this kid.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_15/184-6885848-2326727?url=sear...

So let me ask you. What are

So let me ask you. What are you DOING to address this problem? You made mention of "talking" several times, but not what you have changed in your behaviour to tackle it. Look, you can bleat in dh and ss's ears all you like, where has it gotten you? Nowhere, except a pile of understandable hurt, anger and frustration. You cannot control their behaviour and you need to stop investing your time and energy hoping your husband and ss will listen and act reasonably, but you can control your own actions and behaviour which may have an impact on the current set up.

Stop doing housework, tell dh he is responsible for allllll of it. If he is happy for a 24 yr old man, who is a guest in your home, to forego alllllll of the housework then you too get a free pass. Separate finances, recalculate what ss costs the household and reduce your contribution accordingly. Does ss have a move out deadline?

Thanks for the book

Thanks for the book recommendation.

I have read the book that

I have read the book that Orange County posted above. It was excellent!!! I highly recommend it!

Thanks. He has not lived with

Thanks. He has not lived with us our entire marriage but almost 2 years. My son lives with us and dies dishes without asking, takes out garbage, cleans his own bathroom. My SS's bedroom smells like dead body. I have to shut the door all the time.

No, there is a 3rd choice.

No, there is a 3rd choice. To challenge one or other of them. Whether it be a private talk with the SS or a private one with the DH, or a talk round the table with the both of them, this has to be tried before moving to the grit teeth/abandon option. It depends hugely on what has gone on and what all the personalities are like whether you choose any one of these options, but choose you must if you want your marriage to survive. I don't believe in leaving any stone unturned before calling quits, but that's just me maybe. And if it's hard to choose which, stay on these boards and consult, or seek advice from a counselor?

I have tried talking to my

I have tried talking to my DH. I have tried counseling. I have tried couples counseling but my DH wanted to quit after a month. I have suggested family meetings. I am exhausted.

Your DH is the problem. Your

Your DH is the problem. Your SS-24 will do and change nothing if daddy does not immediately pull support. You are also the problem. Why? Because you have not given your DH clarity that he will no longer use one fraction of one cent of marital resources supporting his deadbeat immature son.

Inform DH that SS goes, goes this evening, and if DH spends one penny on the kid ever again without prior notification and approval from you then you will have the locks changed and DH and his deadbeat spawn can go live under an overpass somewhere.

My parents were a team in dealing with me (I was on the 11 year undergrad degree plan) and after my first two years of completely unproductive studies/partying, they cut me loose to support myself and pay my own tuition. Not that they were not supportive with advice and occasionally allowing me to use a bedroom at their home when I truly needed it.

I learned how to deal with behavior like your SS-24 is perpetrating by my own experience and the example my parents provided. When my SS tried to be a deadbeat schlump after he graduated from high school and decided to not take advantage of the offer of the mom and dad full ride college scholarship from his mom and I. We allowed him to stay home rent free as long as he had a full time job. He did not want to do that either and decided that gaming all day was his chosen entry to the career world. So, we shut off the internet, turned him in to our beck and call boy and chore bitch and worked his ass off until he decided he would rather get paid for his labors and joined the USAF.

Your DH is the one who needs to grow up, step up and be a parent rather than enabling this bullshit his son is perpetrating.