DH and I finally had a talk about SS18 on Saturday. The talk- the one that's been a big elephant in the room... Since community college starts in two weeks but SS hasn't bothered to get his drivers license (we got him a car 3 years ago last month; be turned 16 well over two years ago) nor has he applied, orientated, or enrolled in classes at the community college, DH is going to kick him out. Since graduating high school two months ago, SS18's party-train has been in full effect, with SS stopping by once or twice a week to do laundry ir grab more clothes. He's been working his part-time job but not putting any money aside to pay for car insurance. Since SS was 13, we've told him he can continue living with us after hugh school graduation IF: 1) He joined the military, or 2) he worked part-time & took at least 12 units at CC. This whole time, SS has gone on & on at length about how he's gonna get in the Army then do the GI bill, how he's gonna take specialty classes to earn a certification in a trade. Big problem is, both the military & the trades require you to get off your ass and do something. SS has met with recruiters, but skipped his last appointment & had given them my mobile # instead of his own, and I can guarantee SS hasn't interrupted his party-train to call back (I gave the recruiter SS's # when they called me months ago).

At any rate, all the games & avoidance are now coming to a head, and DH is clear he has to kick SS out. He'd begun talking to SS about it recently and SS continues to downplay everything, tell DH he's making a big deal out of nothing, etc. However, now DH has pointed out and SS acknowledged that there is no way SS could get his drivers license before school begins in two weeks. Even if he waited at the DMV today & took the written test (which he hadn't studied for!), he couldn't even get a driving test scheduled as the DMV appointments are booked out a month+. He's not ready for the driving test, either. 

DH also pointed out to SS that it's two hours each way by bus to CC, and that everyone knows SS is too lazy to do that. SS did not refute that. Nobody will drive SS either - CC is 45 minutes away each way... when traffic is ideal. Also, I have looked at the class schedule & the classes SS was allegedly going to take are at night, during his normal work hours... so basically he'd have to get another job.

Therefore, I can report that my Detachment is saving my sanity & helping my husband focus on his own parenting of SS. Instead of both SS & DH being upset with me for being upset and offended about SS's totally lazy, do-nothing M.O., it's DH vs. SS directly. DH is totally seeing SS's manipulations and avoidance tactics, which is so validating for me! Being detached, I've been in the dark on details but DH wanted to talk Saturday & brought me up-to-speed. He's been doing good, even though it's painful for DH. DH is finally seeing that SS has refused to do what it takes to be driving himself to CC while living here, so it's time to go take that show elsewhere.

I am very grateful to be able to write this. I am calm, sane, clear-headed, and confident DH has me 1st and will deal with SS. 

I agreed to one compromise. DH and I discussed SS trying to play victim and trying to negotiate, and I pointed out that SS is saying it's too strict here (his only chore is tsking out the trash... pretty much a cake-walk here) being the reason he hasn't been staying here doesn't mean we're going to change anything to convince SS to stay (haha victim mode blows up like that) and we're not changing the standards he's known about since he was 13. But DH wants to offer SS could come back & live with us IF he got his license, his insurance, and began driving... I cringed but offered to accept a modified version where he can move back in if he's handled all that AND bwgun taking classes at tge CC. I pointed out I am not negotiating, period, but if SS does turn it around & get going in the right direction then yes, he could move back in & finish school. 

Either way, he's out. Will keep you all updated. I'm going to continue letting DH handle this & specifically advised I do NOT want to be involved in convo's wirh SS. I will NOT let SS revert to triangulating DH & playing up Victim to stir the old Guilty Daddee feelings back into pluable manipulative control via my presence. No doubt he'll try it anyway but I won't hear it or react- he's cornered himself pretty tight.