For those of us who are also adult SKs, what is different about us and our situations from our SKs &
Their situations?
I'll start with me...
The biggest difference in all of this is my parents. They set rules and limitations right from the start of my life. They didn't bury their heads in the sand, encourage me to hate anyone, or let their parents take over raising me. They showed interest in my life and activities right from the get go. They didn't let me be rude to others, SPs included. Bottom line: they cared about me. Unfortunately, it seems like some of these adult skids had/have parents who did not, and put little to no effort in giving them guidance.
Which leads me to another thing/difference. I figured out that I could cut people who I knew didn't care about me out of my life. Even if they were my parents. And to really help my sanity, it'd be a clean cut. No asking for money or handouts. I had and have the freedom to never deal with those people if I so choose.
That leads me to another difference. I came to that realization in part through counseling. Of course many people love their kids and will do things to help them. But I realized I needed help moving on constructively so I continued to seek out counseling on my own. Not with my parents. And it was so great! I could say whatever I wanted about whoever I wanted. The counselor gave and continues to give me support and clear ways outlining how to work with people I have issues with and have had issues with. I'm still in counseling but it is largely because of a disability and clinical depression, but I talk with the counselor about step issues too. I realized that I had issues I needed help with. So many of these skids seem to have issues they need help with, but it's on them to get that help. And I hope they don't do it with their bioparent. They'll be able to speak much more freely to the counselor on their own.
And if I really feel the need to vent about my stepmother or anyone else, I have a group of gfs I look to for support. These people don't know my stepmother. I wouldn't want to bash her to my dad. That'd just make his life harder.
The biggest difference is
The biggest difference is that I never interfered with my fathers decision to remarry and I didn't pull the daddy and princess garbage. I didn't exploit his checkbook and treat my SM like a piece of garbage; I treated her and my father with respect. The biggest difference is that I am not a selfish, spoiled, useless brat like my SD. I didn't pit my father and SM against each other. I never interjected memories about my mother when we were together. I didn't act like the world revolved around me and I didn't make my father try to find new and exciting ways to please me. I was 19 and responsible for myself, my mistakes and my own happiness. I never slapped my dad with an ultimatum " it's her or me". These are all the ways I differ from my hateful SD. Thank goodness I never acted like her; I'd be so embarrassed.
One huge differnece is that
One huge differnece is that my parents didn't feel the guilt that my husband did. My parents didn't give in like he did. My parents would never have let me get away with the crap DH let SD's get away with. I think the guilt is the big thing. Your family was torn apart and the kids are hurt. Well, kids will get over it. I'm not saying don't care about them but don't let them run your life or your wallet. It took a few years but I finally got DH to see they were playing him and now they know that daddy isn't going to put up with the bs anymore which makes life much easier.
"A parent's job is to teach
"A parent's job is to teach their kids."
Agreed.
For me, it is easy to see how so many people who have parents who did not set limits or rules when they were kids turn out to be disrespectful, and disrespect that parent. Hey, Dad never reined me in or made me treat others with respect. Dad just opens his wallet up and keeps on handing out the cash regardless of how I behave. That seems to be how many of these people think.
To be honest, I think these adults know their parents made some big mistakes and were not the greatest parents. I think they have hit a lot of bumps in life due to how they treat people, and on some level are angry that their parents didn't make life easier in the long run by setting rules and limits. They see Dad as someone they can take advantage of over and over again. I don't think most people would have respect for a person who can so easily be taken advantage of and fails to stick up for themselves and those they claim to care about (their kids) by not setting rules and limits.
Shame, shame, shame on your DH and MIL a thousand times over for not reining the SDs in as kids.
The difference was that I did
The difference was that I did not feel a victim or that my life was ruined by my parents divorce/step-parents in my life. I didn't resent my sf. I may not have liked him much initially but I was not rude or disrespectful and came to love him over the years. We also knew - with 100% certainly - that my mom put her relationship with our sf first. We knew our role in this situation and we went with it, there wasn't another choice. We didn't feel the world owed us nor did we feel entitled. On the other hand, my dh and his ex along with dh's family have always catered to sd's. Dh felt a ton of guilt over the divorce and continuous fear that sd's would walk out of his life... which the eldest sd in particular played on and still does to no end. Sd's felt dad's house was a vacation place as there were no rules, discipline or consequences for bad behavior. Older sd feels no responsibility for behaving in an adult fashion to her father, step-mother and most especially her step-father (that poor man has it even worse than me) she walks around like a victim and feels that as such, she has the right to be horrifically hateful and hurtful to people including those like me who have never been anything but kind and sincere and truly (at one time) wanted a relationship with her. It is so sad and her loss especially if one day when she has grown tired of acting like a bitch and decides she wants ey in her life, I've simply lost interest and truly no longer care. It didn't have to be that way