When there's a lack of age difference between SM and SK & how should SKs handle their feelings about this?
I can see how the lack of age difference between SM and SK only intensifies an already akward step situation in many ways:
1. Dad and SM will likely have kids. SKs may also choose to have kids. Both sets of kids (those of SK and those of Dad and SM) will be close in age. I think this could lead many adult sks to think that their dad will make no effort to be a loving, doting grandparent to their kids. Isn't that what most people want for their kids?
In your opinion, how should SK handle this situation? Me personally, if I were in that situation, I'd talk to my dad about how actively involved he wants to be in my child's life, and he'd listen to me express my hopes about his level of activity in my child's life, and we'd find a compromise. Or maybe we'd agree fully with each other. And I would encourage my child to befriend my dad's younger kids.
2. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with this, but many people feel it is weird to see people so far apart in age together as a couple. Many of the younger women involved get labeled as "gold diggers." Maybe some are. Maybe they also are attracted by the fame it'll bring them. There are some I don't care for, like Heather Mills or Hilaria Thomas Baldwin, Alec's wife, who went from being a yoga instructor to an E! correspondent. But I also feel adult SKs need to think about how they'd want their parent to treat THEIR SO who is close in age to the bioparent. The SKs' SO may be close in age to their bioparent. Or they could be young enough to be the bio-parent's grandchild. That happens too. The SKs wouldn't be too thrilled if their bioparents treated their SOs like crap because they are close in age. And another thing- adult SKs can walk away from the situation if it truly is too much. That is understandable. But don't make yourself a gold digger by only reaching out to dad for cash, and do yourself a favor and cut people you deem to be toxic out of your life.
I have step grandkids and am
I have step grandkids and am still childbearing age. DH and I have talked about another child but our BD13 would likely be the one to flip. I guarantee I didn't get with my DH because he had money... he was flat broke.
You sound a bit like the SD? It is ok for you to have strong feelings about dad and SM having babies etc but I suggest you not call you SM a gold digger or a fame whore. Also the baby would be YOUR sibling and it would be sad to be excluded. SM will ban you from the child if you treat her to disrespectful especially when she has her own baby involved.
BTW my DH has a sister who is 2 yrs older and one that is 22 yrs older. His brother was20 yrs older.He has nephews older than him. BTW all kids had same bio parents.
I am not that sd, I wrote
I am not that sd, I wrote this because I saw that an old thread on this topic had been resurrected.
>>>What people don't seem to
>>>What people don't seem to get is that those of us with an age difference considered to be unacceptable to these "many people" is that we frankly don't give a damn about what these "many people" think. We don't respect it...at all.<<<
Yup.
"What people don't seem to
"What people don't seem to get is that those of us with an age difference considered to be unacceptable to these "many people" is that we frankly don't give a damn about what these "many people" think. We don't respect it...at all."
Applause!
(hi!)
I actually think, if dialogue
I actually think, if dialogue can be opened about how active he wants to be in his grandkids life, it might work out for the best--especially since if they're close in age, then all the little kids can play together and makes watching them easier (or maybe harder in some cases, since a handful of kids can get into a whole lot of trouble.) Please remember that no grandparent is obligated to dote or care for or babysit their grandkids. If they want, great, but it is NOT their job. I learned that the hard way with my own paternal grandparents. But remember, their kids will be their children, whom the feelings will be a lot stronger. It might also be impossible for them to be totally involved since they would be very active in their own child'd life. That's why it's better to live with the attitude that no one owes anyone anything.
DH and I have a large age difference--almost 13 years. If we're talking about the issue of possible goldigging, he'd be the gold digger in our case. He came breaking even with his income with no assets to his name. I have one building paid off prior to marriage, another with only 5 years left on the mortgage. I'm currently canvasing for a third, and he's still breaking even. It's possible that he could have had kids that are closer to my age, but he didn't. Since I'm 23 (you can do the math) had he been a teen father, he could have had 20 year olds as kids. Yeah, that would have went over well. Thank goodness he doesn't. An acquaintance of mine threw her stepmother, who was actually younger than her, down the stairs after a shouting match.
So I do take mild offense to the gold digging in relation to age, but I can see how some people might think that, since it's happened before. Maybe strangers see that with us too, but no one who is even mildly acquainted with us would make that same accusation--I'm the sugar mama. God that's so strange to say.
We are 13 years apart as
We are 13 years apart as well. I was offended at the gold digger comment too. DH was broke and we have things now because we both worked.
Oh no no no. DH would not
Oh no no no. DH would not ever discuss our childbearing business with any of his kids, much less come to a compromise based on activity-level expectations. Oh dear gawd just the thought of that makes me want to vomit.
I'm not talking about
I'm not talking about discussing your childbearing activities with them. That's nobody's business but yours.
What I'm talking about is finding out about what type of grandparent dh wants to be and how involved in the grandkids lives he wants to be.
For the record, I think that an adult SK treating a close in age sm with the same respect they'd show any other adult, and not challenging her, will guarantee that the SKs kids will see the bio GP a lot more and therefore will have more opportunities to bond with the bio GP. That's what I think many adult sks fail to realize- that by treating their SPs with respect (regardless of the SPs age) they and their kids will see the bio GP much more. That by treating Dad's life choices with respect, just like they want him to show respect for theirs (even if he disagrees with said choices), they and their kids will have many more opportunities to love and be loved by bio GP and maybe even by step GP. Nobody ever hurt from having a multitude of people who love them. That's what I was trying to convey in my post.
Well, my DH is ten years
Well, my DH is ten years younger than I. He had nothing when we got married and I was the one with the house, savings, etc.
Does he qualify as a gold digger? Nah, 'cause his kids think they're entitled to what's mine.
My first dh and I were 16
My first dh and I were 16 years apart. I didnt see anything weird about it nor did I care what others thought. Definitely no gold digger issues as neither dh nor myself had a pot to pee in-although over teh course of our marriage both of our financial situations improved considerably.
I had a sd who was 7 years younger than me. She was 14 and I was 21 when we married. We did end up having kids close in age-my two kids with her father are now 15 and 13. Her son is 14. she, in fact, got tried to get pregnant because I got pregnant (she actually admitted this one night when she was having trouble with her colicky baby screaming "its all your fault" at my dh).
Needless to say I dont know how all this spending time together and such would have played out as my dh died when my kiddos were 2 and 9 months. My former sd does not have anything to do with my kids. We live about an hour away. She had no contact with them at all until they were about 10 and 8 when surprise! she moved to our area and enrolled her son in our small school and lo and behold he was seated right next to MY son! When my kiddos realized how he was and who she was they actually tried to contact her-sent cards and pics home with the boy and such-she ignored them for a few months but then finally spoke to them exactly once at a school event. She moved shortly thereafter. My kids friended her a few years later on facebook. She defriended me dd15 a couple of years ago shorty after my dd said hi to her on the chat application of facebook. My ds doesnt get on facebook, nor talk to her, but she ended up sayng something nasty on there about my now dh so I deleted her from his friends list.
Probably more info than you wanted to know. It just brings back such awesome memories thinking about it. Dammit, it makes me feel so bad for my kids that both of their dad's families have rejected them. What about of *ucks!
My stepmother is younger then
My stepmother is younger then I am. She certainly isn't a golddigger, but is rather the bread-winner of her family.
My kids are around the same age as my youngest siblings. I am an adult who has my own family, and my father is a grown man who is capable of making decisions for himself. His job was to raise me, and he did his job.
I think it is ridiculous when adult skids only think of themselves.
My DH and I are 15 years
My DH and I are 15 years apart. DH sought me out because he wanted to have more children, and he was already in his 40's. My brothers are also DH's age, so I always felt comfortable with older men, and my family found it normal. SD21 and I are also 15 years apart. In the beginning she had an issue with it, but that was BM's fault. BM is 20 years older than me and freaked when she found out my age. It was nobody's business to know my age, but DH isn't always bright about these things. Fortunately for me, SD21 doesn't seem to care anymore about my age. DH and I just had two babies who are 20 and 21 years younger than SD. I think having the babies has possibly shown her that she might want children of her own someday, but seeing me struggle (happily struggle!) with them does deter her from stupid mistakes. She knows she's too selfish to put children ahead of herself at this point. As for DH being a doting grandfather; I think he possibly may be even more doting because it will be fresh in his mind how cute and sweet little ones are. (I typed this as my two year old is sitting next to me and kissing me!)
SD21 did throw a fit when she found out we were having a baby, but DH put her in her place. If she was in an intact family, she would have no say on siblings, and she still has no say even when her parents are divorced. She got over it once she met our first son; now she likes showing her baby brothers off to her friends when we visit.
As for gold-digging, I too take offense to that idea. Yes, DH makes significantly more than I do, but he is terrible with money, and I still made enough to live very comfortably on my own. We live well within our means, and thanks to me his credit rating has improved dramatically.
PS - about both of them I
PS - about both of them I think they need to GET OVER IT. NONE of their business.
With that said, about the first issue, loser has two kids...the oldest kid is OLDER than her MOTHER'S youngest child...the 2nd one is only a month younger...LOSER has no problem with it...however, I BETCHA ANYTHING that she would have a cow if it was her dad who had a kid younger than her two.
For the record, I do not
For the record, I do not think anyone here is a "gold digger," nor do I agree with bad behavior from adult sks. I apologize if I caused any offense.
Me and My SO are almost 21
Me and My SO are almost 21 years apart, Im 27 he's 48. For me it works out great.
If me and my SO were to split up, I dont think I could date someone my age again. Most guys my age give or take a 5 year age difference are non-commital , mama's boys or they have some sort of emotional baggage(from what ive observed). Maybe thats why guys go after cougars, they want someone sophisticated and mature(which is why me and SO work out great and ive heard they're better in bed lol). Age is just a number. What bothers me, as most people dating someone older, is the assumption that were "gold diggers". When its not true, we fell in love with the person, not their assets. From a financial perspective, I have more assets than SO does, way more.
Do I want kids with SO? Yes. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Do I think about the long term implications?Such as, by the time our kid graduates highschool, SO might be close to 70, absolutely. You can't not think about those things. And maybe I do tend to reevaluate our relationship on that. But then I think, theres not a better guy out there for me.
I think his skids and BM might not be happy about that, but oh well.
I think in some cases, second families, help SO/DHs even DW's to be better parents and grand parents. Its like making up for lost time. We all deserve a second chance. And as the saying goes, forgive but do not forget.
I feel the same way! I am
I feel the same way! I am also 28 and my husband is 48, with three adult kids. My SK's and their BM hate me of course but even with the age difference I know he is the man for me, however crazy he and and all the drama from the ex and the steps gets.