Troubled Adult SD threatening 22 year marriage and finances
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My late 20's married SD is straining relationship w/DH because she refuses to get a job-calls herself a "hustler" and is involved w/ some real estate scams w/ husband who she also has major problems with. Calls DH all the time blaming and complaining. Has advanced degrees, but is refusing to pay undergrad student loans DH co-signed for-so we are getting the calls. The kicker is she REFUSES to get, and has never had a job, and doesn't seem to care that DH is on the hook. DH and also have 2 children, 1 a sophmore in college and the other in elementary school. Thank you for any advice.
well, not much to say, but i
well, not much to say, but i would strongly enforce with dh, if HE cannot find a way to pay the student loans and you have to as well, then he needs to cut all financial assistance off from her IMMEDIATELY. and if she is in realestate scams i'd find a way to prove it and have her reported for it (imo)
if you did not co-sign these, you are not responsible for them, and if he defaults on these loans, then i would make sure you file seperately, or file "injured" spouse so they don't garnish YOUR wages, however, since he co-signed during course of marriage, it MAY make you legally responsible too-check out YOUR rights.
i guess next time, to help with college, offer free room and board (assistance with food) but don't co-sign on NADA let kiddo figure out financing for college.
Hi Is I have thought about
Hi Is
I have thought about the bail $ issue! Don't get me wrong-SD is not a bad person, but she is troubled and, I think, dominated by and emotionally abused by her husband. I have talked to DH and my step mother about this. I do care about her, but she seems to be determined to drag everyone into her drama.
I'm sorry DH is on the hook
I'm sorry DH is on the hook to pay the loan for your deadbeat SD. It's too bad he didn't see her true character until after the fact. I suggest he make some type of payment arrangments before your credit is ruined. They can also garnish your entire tax return (seen this happen to a relative). DH should call her out and ask her when she plans to start making payments on the loans and set her straight about being held accountable.
I too had the talk w/DH when SD finished undergrad school. When I found out she was going for her master's I asked DH if he was going to pay for it and he said "he'd done his job" and it would be on her. Which was exactly the way it should be. Why should her livelihood be paid for out of our till? Not happening.
I wish you the very best.
Thanks all. I will pay this
Thanks all. I will pay this month - she got a forbearance Feb. so the payment was greatly reduced-paid that 1 month, then didn't pay March, so sallie mae is calling. Had tons of parking tickets (on a car that was GIVEN to her by a relative) didn't pay, so the car was booted and now towed last week. So now DH feels she is too upset to deal with the loan issue I don't know what kind of scams she and her husband are into; supposedly they own some houses that they are renting out to section 8-but section 8 pays on time! The loan payments are only about 120. a month! They are living w/his mother. We are not currently supporting them in any other way, but did help her financially in undergrad (she wouldn't work then either). I was laid off 2 years ago (had been working continuously since 16-all through college and graduate school.) I will be 50 soon. During a year of unemployment comp I arranged our finances so that our mortgage and all of our bills including son's college expenses and daughter's private school could be paid on 1 salary. My credit score is in the high 700's. I handle all of our finances-he doesn't have a clue. He is a great husband and provider, and good w/our kids, but w/SD he can't seem to handle-tho he does get angry. Little background-DH and her BM were never married -BM did get married when SD was an infant. DH paid child support religiously and had regular visitation-we even took her 2 half-sisters every other weekend for years. There is other craziness, but ultimately I think DH has major guilt issues, and now since I am not working I think he feels I should have no say-tho I have tried to impress that this affects me and our kids too! I am taking on consulting work, but I am really starting to resent that he won't deal w/this, and that she is so adament that she will not conform to our "conventions". She could babysit and earn enough for this loan! She has "emotional" issues, which she blames everyone else for, but she refuses to go to counseling. I know I will work it out somehow, and appreciate the support from all of you on this site and letting me vent
Okay, your DH made the
Okay, your DH made the mistake of co-signing for SD's student loans. NEVER LET THAT CRAP HAPPEN AGAIN.
My SIL and my wife's cousin have called to ask us to co-sign loans for them for school and other reasons. They have even asked us to take out a personal signature loan and they would make the payments. NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE!!!!! When we turn them down on cosigning requests they just ask for money. NOPE! Their problem, they can fix it and learn from their mistakes.
Since she is an admitted hustler I would provide the loan company information on SD's real estate holdings that she may have independently or jointly with her husband. The bank should be able to put a lien against any properties they own which should get you and DH off the hook for SD's failure to pay her loan obligations.
Whether you are working or not you and your DH are married and equity partners in your marriage. You have veto rights on how marital assets and income is spent. My mom was a SAHM and a housewife her entire adult life. My dad had the career. However, they were partners and dad's pay checks were the marital income and as much my mom's as his. Both mom and dad would rabidly defend that position from anyone thinking otherwise.
Good luck.
Best regards,
Thanks Rags. I will look into
Thanks Rags. I will look into your points.
Unfortunately, since your
Unfortunately, since your husband co-signed for the school loan and his daughter won't make payments, it is up to him to do so. It is one expensive life lesson to learn that his daughter is a deadbeat but unless you all want to ruin your credit, you are going to have to be the ones to pay the loan. And that is something he should have considered when he signed with her. If your husband can get her to pay anything, have her give him the money to make the payments and that way he can make sure payments are being made and won't ruin your all's credit. Sure, you can kick and scream, but bottomline, the loan has to be repaid and if she won't do it, he has to. Weren't there any signs back when he co-signed that she was financially unstable and that this could come back on him? Maybe once she hits rock bottom, she'll wake up.
Put forward the subject w/DH
Put forward the subject w/DH re: SD and has outstanding bills. I wanted to make an appointment to talk about it, so he would not feel ambushed. DH informed me that SD was trying to make it right, even tho it seems like a scam to me. I said I would pay march loan payment and outstanding car-related bills w/City of ***. DH told me not to pay, and see if she does what she says. I did tell him that this situation was causing me stress; other people (our BC) are involved, and his credit rating, our home and his income (and thus our income) is impacted. DH seemed to get it and SD seems to also. I don't want SD out of our lives-hope for me that this works out.