Was I too harsh?
My stepdaughter whom my husband and I raised since she was 8 is now 19 will be 20 in July. When she was 17 she ran away and dropped out of school. When she turned 18 she moved out and went to live with her boyfriend which consisted of couch surfing and laying their heads wherever each night. When they broke up and she got tired of that she asked if she could come back home and her dad and I agreed to let her come back.
she got back with the boyfriend again and decided that she was going to leave for weeks at a time and then come back for a few days and then leave again. Mind you we have at the time an 11 year old, a six year old and a 3 year old. Her sisters coming and going was starting to have an effect on our 11 year old, so the last time she did her disappearing act we asked her to leave. She was gone for about 8 months and her and the guy broke up again and she was staying with the family friend, who was on the verge of putting her out because she didn’t want to follow the rules.
my husband and I were about to move and she asked my husband could she move with us and he brought it to my attention and I said no because she was now into underage drinking and smoking weed. My husband was upset and called my all kinds of evil witches because I didn’t want her to come. I let her come against my better judgement.
Fast foward to January my husband and I were not getting along and I put him out but allowed my stepdaughter to stay. Why husband was not happy about that and began to tell me that she was being a bad influence on Our now 12 year old. When I asked him how he would not say he just kept saying you’ll see. Well my stepdaughter ended up telling me in xonversation that her dad had purchased weed for her once and I brought it to his attention. That really made him furious and that’s when he told me that my stepdaughter had smoked seed with our 12 year old before. Apparently my 12 year old had told him back in November, but he failed to say something until he was on the hot seat.
I ended up putting my stepdaughter out because I let her know before she came that if she ever brought weed or alcohol into my home that she would be asked to leave. My stepdaughter is close with my 16 year old niece and was telling my niece and my sister that she didn’t think it was fair that she got put out but nothing happened to her younger sister and that she had nowhere to go. By the way her little sister was put on punishment and had her phone taken away. I guess that wasn’t wasn’t enough. I guess I should’ve put my 12 year old out too. Then she is going around playing the victim.
I could go on and on with stories about the hell she has took me through from the age of 8 until now. I can also go and on about the ways that I have tried to help this young lady throughout her life.
You were not too harsh, at
You were not too harsh, at all.
It's one thing to screw up
It's one thing to screw up her own life; it's another for her father to help her do it. But there's nothing too harsh for her screwing up YOUR child's life, especially when a 12-year-old's brain is still forming. A kid introduced to drugs that early has a greater chance of becoming an addict than a later introduction.
Have confidence -- you know right from wrong. Don't let them wear you down on this.
She's 20 years old - time to
She's 20 years old - time to grow up. Don't allow her in your home again until she has her act together. I agree with marblefawn - stand your ground.
It's odd how DH and SD have thrown each other under the bus. Where are they now?
Where are they now?
My stepdaughter is still couch surfing and telling everybody who will listen that she was done wrong. She put a post on Instagram saying how she doesn’t have friends and she has no one and family will do you wrong and then try to justify it. Her dad stays with his brother. She currently doesn’t talk to either one of us. She wanted to go stay with my sister but at the time that she had scabies so my sister told her no.
when she was staying with me, I tried to get her into GED classes, I got her her first two jobs. When she was a teenager I set her up with a counselor, I tried to have her medicated for her anxiety and depression, but she was hiding the medicine and not taking it, I got her into several mentoring programs. Even through all of that she still got straight Ds and Fs in school, got into fights, stayed in drama, lost her virginity to the biggest male whore of the neighborhood at the time, ran away, dropped out of school.
Also I’m a Christian and that’s all my kids know as far as religion. Well she took it upon herself to tell my other kids that Jesus is a fairytale and that all the stuff in the Bible is made up. Now I am all for believing in what you believe in and if she doesn’t believe in Jesus, that’s her choice, but she knows that I have raised her and my other children to believe in Jesus and for her to try to corrupt that made me upset.
Your children are still
Your children are still minors while SD is an adult with a clear pattern of behavior. You made your rules clear and she broke them. On top of that she enabled and provided the younger with the tools to break your rules.
You need to cut ties with the child. Inform anyone who is hounding you about her that the matter is over, it’s your home / your rules, and you don’t want to hear any more about it.
You don’t have to justify your actions to anyone.
Also DH is a scumbag in my eyes. He knowingly supported his daughter’s bad behavior. His enabling also added to the littlest ability to break the rules. Then he wants to sit there and put it on you? No.
Let me be clear that her actions are ILLEGAL. She knowingly provided an illegal substance to a minor. That is distribution to some degree. She could face serious legal consequence had you known and decided to press charges. You have a responsibility to protect your minor children and if you let this ADULT back in your home you are not doing your job. Anyone who is attempting to make you feel bad is 100% in the wrong and needs a wakeup call.
You are not too harsh. But..
You are not too harsh. But.. you do realize that it is your DH that is the problem... right?
Your Husband is the Issue
Your husband literally threw his child under the bus in order to get out of trouble when HE bought the kids weed. Yes, SD may have smoked it with the 12 year old but I would bet your husband bought it and has continued to buy it. He is the bad influence.
As far as the religious stuff, that one you have to let go. Your kids will hear varying views on religion and it doesn't corrupt them to hear that their sister doesn't believe. That is a simple discussion to have about respecting beliefs and making it clear that you disagree with SD but you still love her and that she is entitled to believe how she believes, as are they.