What to do?

Forums:

I'll make it as simple as possible:

He's a widow and has four kids.
Two daughters and two boys.
Dad decides after 12 years to remarry.
Daughters have a meltdown and so does future mom-in-law.
Dad marries. Kids work on Dad to make him feel sorry for them since they lost their mother. Dad feels guilty he was never around to take care of them.
Dad doesn't care if I am hurt or taken advantage of by his kids. Doesn't want to hear about them from me.
Dad starts to sneak around to see his kids and feels that he doesn't need to tell me anything. He can come and go as he pleases.

Me - divorced with two kids. Boy and girl both grown on their own.
I try to help him with his kids because I feel sorry for them. Bad choice on my part.
Everything I did, didn't matter. My daughter is bitter because I married again and decided to air my "dirty laundry" his kids. I still don't know what was said. Now his kids don't want anything to do with me.
I don't speak to my daughter.
I have to check in wherever I go and not make any detours.
I can't say anything about his kids or his mom because I'm bashing them.

Looks like we are starting to go our separate ways because we can't seem to agree on anything. No money issues or infidelity. We are dealing with adult kids who can't accept their Dad has moved on. He feeds the fire by just letting act and talk anyway they want to me. When I try to defend myself, I'm not "normal". Latest slam to me was that I need a psychiatrist.

My questions are:

Who can define what is normal? I'm too old to be dealing with this crap and surely don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if I can say or do anything that might be in the slightest offensive to "his" family.

Any type of advice or recommendations would be so much appreciated.

yes, they are adults. i just

yes, they are adults. i just feel like they use him and take advantage of him and it makes me so upset. they feel like they got the "upper hand" when they know he's fighting with me. Ugh...I can't seem to make him understand my feelings and its like I have no opinion. I would like for to just get along and be happy. Be happy that their dad is happy. Am I trying to live in a stupid fairytale? Am I unrealistic?

yes, they are adults. i just

Yes I have to check in

Yes I have to check in whereever I go. It's sad. I can't even make a trip to Target with out why didn't you say you were going there? I'm supposed to call when I leave work so that he knows what time I'm coming home. His response is that way I know that you are okay. Actually, I know better. It's timing me to make sure I get home on time. Yes, I know it's controlling. If I go to lunch with friends he makes a big deal out of it. I'm so tired. I know I can only change my situation. I'm working on it and I truly appreciate your comments. This forum is a Gods send and I'm so happy that I decided to write in. Please feel free to send me advice, suggestions, etc.

Adult skids are tough, I

Adult skids are tough, I know, I'm dealing with one. What I have found is that when I talk about SD and point out what I think are her flaws it sends DH into defense mode. He feels he has to protect her and defend his parenting of her. I now sit back and let him see for himself everything that is wrong with her and when he acknowledges that, I just smile and agree. I still don't bash her and I won't.

With my SD, her main reason for being so upset with me & DH is that he's happy. She is so jealous that it is not her that DH's life revolves around, that I bear the brunt of her unhappiness with that. What has it gotten her? Not much, she has alienated me and pushed DH away in the process.

There is nothing wrong with wanting the fairytale in your life, it's what we all want. When your skids come up, don't point out their flaws, your DH already knows what they are, he just doesn't want to hear it from you. When you voice your opinion you push him into defense mode and you're the bad guy, not them.

The advice I'm receiving from

The advice I'm receiving from this forum is priceless. I really didn't think that I would get any responses. I was venting my frustration. It's at an all time high. I so appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. I'm seriously reading each response and thinking about what others have been through. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Thank you so much for sharing

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and suggestions. It's really kinda sad isn't it when you look at the overall picture. At the end all we really want is happiness with our spouses. I would have never thought I would have been going through this with him or his family. I wasn't brought up this way and I'm struggling with how to deal with all the messed up emotions by his family and myself. My father would be mortified if he knew what was going on. He would promptly tell me to go and get my life back. But something in me says, don't give in and don't let them get their way. That is exactly what they want. In retrospect, I wish I had been the b... stepmom so they would really have a reason to dislike me. I have never been around such ugliness. I'm working on getting my "backbone" and turning the other cheek. My battle I think is more that my spouse doens't support my opinions and yes, gets totally defensive whenever I even speak about his kids. Again, it makes me sad and wondering if this is really worth it?

You are amazing. I can see

You are amazing. I can see you have dealt with this in a very elegant and mature manner. I know it's hard. Literally, this forum has lifted my spirit and I feel like I have a voice and that others can relate to my situation. You hit the nail right on the head about my spouse. When you love someone one, you can't help but want them to love you back the same way. By allowing his kids to interfere with us, our love has taken a back seat. How I wish I could take a "time out" to get back on track. Disengagement seesm to be the theme along this thread. I'm cautiously optimistic that I can do that. I'm taking one day at a time. Today is day three that I get the silent treatment from my spouse. But instead of feeling lonely and abandoned, I feel almost empowered to say why would I want someone to treat me like this? This isn't respect nor is it being loved. So in my mind, he's showing me what type of person he really is. Still confused, but working on getting myself on track little by little. Thanks again for your response. I love knowing I have some support. xoxo to everyone.

You are amazing. I can see

Like many of us, you came in

Like many of us, you came in when the book is already more than halfway written. You are not going to change any of them. Yes, they may twirl around in la-la land with each other, but again.....you are gonna keep butting your head if you think you can change their dance. You need to let it go....focus on your relationship with your husband. Forget about how he is with his kids. You will not win and your marriage will suffer.

NicNic... When I read your

NicNic...

When I read your post I had to look at it twice. Your situation is just like mine all of it. Married a widower has 3 adult kids, And all I can say it wow. I think you wrote it out a lot better than I could ever try to, seems I always tend to drag it out longer with the words. I have been married 5 years. I have learned a lot coming to this site, it really does help and you get a lot of feed back. Keep coming. I too use to complain about the money like a lot of money. But I learned from this site to not complain about it because its his money. He got his kids a lot of money when mom passed away in one month it was all gone, they all got the same amount.
Were talking 43,000
and he went through lets just say 6 times that amount on them. I don't say anything anymore. He has guilt also. They play it. One time one of his daughters took a photo of the mom and dad and set it right next to our bed. I looked at it and thought hmmm lets see the living room is full of photos I don't need this one in here. So I took it out. Honey I could make you a list of all the crap they have said to me. I think most fathers are very defensive of the adult kids. this is what I have done and it does take time, but you just have to stick to it. I don't go to there home he can go, when he brings them up I kinda lisen but not really. I don't care. I don't talk about them and I don't see them. They call it on here disengaging
works wonders. They say a lot of mean things to me so much at first I didn't know if I was coming or going, I felt like I was loosing my mind. But after coming to see this site and reading, It feels great to know I'm not alone. I will say this I have lost respect for my husband, I fill he should have stepped up to the plate and put his brats in check, I have realized this is never going to happen. So to save yourself a lot of stress, don't talk about the kids good or bad stay away from it. My husband is starting to see the light he has with 2 of the adults already, just waiting on the other adult. If you lisen to a lot of people on here reading there story's you may very well end up saving yourself a lot of heart ack good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Wow,I read these posts and

Wow,I read these posts and ask myself....Why in the Hell do people remarry when step-kids are involved?? It seems that for every 1 favorable one there are 5 really bad ones!!!!

NicNic you explained

NicNic you explained beautifully what many of us experience marrying a widower. My SD's were adults and their mother dead 13 years before I came into the picture.

Here is what I finally figured out.(thanks to other's) Because you breathe, and their mother doesn't , they hate you. It wouldn't matter if you were Mother Teresa or a serial killer. It does no matter do you understand? You can't fix it. Quit trying to fix it. Accept it just like you would have to accept that you have diabetes or cancer. Accept it . They hate you.

Secondly, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!
Take it day by day and tell yourself that they are not invited into my day. It takes lots of practice.

Thirdly, when you at least can feel like a human being instead of a kicked dog(which will also take time). Get a life outside of your steps and spouse. Let him do whatever the hell he wants with his hateful brood. You are not going to care anymore because you have "plans".

I absolutely can picture the girls placing the picture in your bedroom. My SD's would place literally hundreds of picture of their mom on the dining room table when I would go visit their dad. He had a picture of me in his house and they would place it facedown on the end table. I was stupid enough to pity them back then. (why is it we think dead people are saints and we are garbage in comparison to them?) These were adult children.

I'm so thankful to hear these

I'm so thankful to hear these words. You also said it beautifully - "Because you breathe, and their mother doesn't , they hate you. It wouldn't matter if you were Mother Teresa or a serial killer. It does no matter do you understand? You can't fix it. Quit trying to fix it. Accept it just like you would have to accept that you have diabetes or cancer. Accept it . They hate you." They refuset to let go of the past and to this day, there is still stuff (pictures, momentos, etc.) in the garage that my own spouse can't let go of. And guess what, when the youngest son turned 18, he actually took a photo of his mom and tattooed it on his body. Now we get a chance to see the pic everytime his shirt comes off. Lovely. I mean, I don't want these people not to recognize a beautiful person in their life that is gone, but to realize that life goes on and you can't dwell on what the past has done. In fighting with my spouse,I did tell him almost the same thing you said. Even if it weren't me in his life, no one will be acceptable to his kids. So does he live his life for his kids or move on with his? So confusing. So messy. Why can't we just all get along?

Just something to think about

Just something to think about - but humor might help with the tattoo issue. Can you imagine what that tattoo is going to look like in ten years? If he gains weight or when gravity takes over it will change shape and age like the portrait of Dorian Grey. So maybe by embracing this thought, the next time he takes off his shirt to rub it in, you will be able to look back at him with a smile.

Nic Nic, I remember when I

Nic Nic, I remember when I was about 4 years into my relationship with late DH I was venting to my (now deceased) mum.
She looked me straight in the eye and said 'She will never change. You either put up with it or get out'.
My mum was never a step mum or step anything yet she had wisdom.
I stayed - for another 18 year bellyful of SD games.
I stayed for the same reason we all do - the love my 'soul mate' DH.
I told myself it would improve with time. She would eventually get a life and leave us alone. Didn't happen and got CONSIDERABLY worse when the (nuclear weapons as EBU likes to put it!) came along. What cheruby wonderful manipulation tools. Oh joy!
Please listen to what the knowlegable ladies on here are saying.
It's NOT YOU. You could be the arc angel gabriel.
It's because you are THERE.
There is NOTHING you can do to change this. Kindness will be smirked at. Understanding will be seen as patronising (what the hell does she know).
Some of the good ladies here have managed to carve out a reasonable good way of life for themselves - with DH - by disengagement etc - but the thorn will always be there in the background somewhere.
Since my DH death, I can honestly say my life is like a blanket lifted.
My kids come and go without anyone watching, questioning their actions etc - I am free of HER next manipulation/scheme to cause trouble.
Seriously, think about what you want in life. Are you paying too high a price?

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