What responsibility do we have as adults to contact our parents?
Should we, as adults, bear any responsibility in contacting our parents regularly? I am looking for perspective from you. I realize there are situations in life where some must discontinue contact with parents for mental health sanity or to remove certain behaviors from their lives. I respect those decisions,but in this regard that is not the case.
I found this site because of issues we are having with adult skids. Adult skids with their own wonderful families. The younger years consisted of the run of the mill normal issues,nothing traumatic, all in all very close family. No regret. We all worked very hard at it.
Since their marriages and subsequent children, DH and I have lost contact unless initiated by us. DH's entire relationship with them has changed. We feel like outsiders. We make sure we visit once a month, and DH gives them a call every two weeks if he has not heard from them, I call as well. If not for that, we would not hear from them. Once they had children we slowly just stopped hearing from them regularly, so we had to do more initiating. There was a time when we spoke to them all of the time.I have posted the whole sorted story before, and I appreciated your insight.
We attended a communion and subsequent dinner yesterday for one of the grandkids. The skids are close with BM, stepfather, and all of their inlaws. My DH and I sought the skids out for conversation yesterday, they did not come over to us. Everyone is pleasant, hugs all around, and we speak to everyone, including BM. We have no problem being in anyone's presence. We are decent people.
As we were leaving and saying our goodbye's, DH gave son a hug, and son says "you should call more pop"..DH was floored. I was floored. We didn't know what to say. My DH is hurt over the whole situation. I told him last night that I am not sure what more we can do. They know where we are and if they need us we will be there. Quite frankly I am pissed they do not call their father, he has had health issues this past year and they do not call to check on him.
I loved my own father very much, we were very close. He is deceased now, but as I think back, my mother initiated all gatherings, phone calls, visits with grandkids, etc. He was not a phone guy so I am not sure if he would have contacted me barring an emergency. I never gave that much thought, we loved each other and I contacted them all the time. I was a good stepmother, not perfect by any means, but I am close with the skids. I cannot compete with BM, or MIL's, nor do I wish to. I plan dinners and everything else, but I do not call everyday as their own mothers do. I don't feel it is my role, am I wrong? I wonder if their stepfather or fil's would contact them if not for their wives?
I don't want to over think this thing, and I am tired of thinking about it. I believe his son was attempting to pass the buck onto his father, as if it is DH's fault. Don't we have a responsibility to contact our parents? How often to you contact yours?
My parents are both dead, but
My parents are both dead, but I speak to my own adult bio daughters once a week, usually. For me, and them, calling every day would be over the top, it's not that kind of relationship.
My DH has the same problem as you, but with regard to his own mother - she never calls him at all. If it were not for him calling her, they would never speak. He finds this somewhat hurtful, but it is what it is.
I don't feel that adult children have a responsibility to call their parents, any more than parents do, to call their children. You DH may just have to accept that if he wants contact, or more frequent contact than his kids feel the need of, then he will have to do all the calling. I would quite like to speak to my bio daughters more than once a week, but one has kids and they all have jobs, they don't have time, really.
However, it did seem inconsiderate that your SKIDs did not come over to greet you at the gathering. That seems to smack of underlying issues in the relationship that might need to be addressed.
Thanks for your response. We
Thanks for your response. We have two bio children also, boy,girl. Once a week is the norm for us too, sometimes longer and that's fine. I guess I was just thinking aloud. I know in skids case there BM calls them everyday. My two would consider that stalking...LOL I agree, it should not be a game on who calls who, it's just weird his son mentioned it, almost as if we never call. It's how he made it sound.
Their bio mom is very controlling, not a bad person, it's how she is. Their mother in laws are the same. They battle back and forth and try to one up each other in regard to family time and grandkids. My husband and I are much more laid back. I don't take part in the madness.
As far as underlying issues, I have thought of that...but seriously have no clue. We raised two of the three full time, long story there. BM was not part of their life growing up, but now is the mother of the year. I told DH he has two options. 1. talk to them frankly about it, or 2. let it go and we keep making sure we see the kids.
I call or see my parents
I call or see my parents weekly I'm the only kid in town well heck state for my dad and my mom has my older half brother in town but he checks in about once a month maybe. My dad gets lonley for someone who will talk politics, history, books. My mom just lost her bf of 25 years. My SM enjoys having my SO's kids over especially his dd she misses having a little girly girl around now my dd is almost grown, funny she just let slip it was something she disliked about me I was a tom boy.
I like to share my life with my parents most of the time. Sometimes though I need a break from them.
I understand the hurt that
I understand the hurt that some people can feel when they are the ones to initiate all the contact in a relationship. And this just isn't in families, either. It happens with friendships, too. But I do agree that after awhile, it gets old being the one who is active about keeping in touch - when the other party is passive.
Or maybe just plain cheap!
I discovered over the last few months that my sister had basically stopped calling me, at all. It used to be pretty even; I'd call her, she'd call me next time, etc. Then she stopped and I finally figured out why - because she is penny-pinching and got rid of her long distance service on her phone. She only uses a pre-paid calling card now. When she does call she rattles off what she needs to say in about 60 seconds - so as not to use up her precious minutes! LOL
As for parents, I guess your perspective changes when they die. We didn't call each other constantly, but kept in regular contact - both calling and being called. I'd give anything to spend five minutes on the phone with either of my parents again.
Why didn't your DH say to SS
Why didn't your DH say to SS that it is his turn to call? I agree with another poster - it sounds like there are other 'hidden' issues, and DH needs to communicate to be able to resolve them. This is part of my DH's problem with SD. He can call all the time but he has a big problem when it comes to actually communicating anything beyond surface level. SD has not called him in over two years. There is a reason but he is too afraid to go there.
I call my Mom once a week. Many times I don't look forward to it because she plays games, atttempting to pit her children against one another or she blurts out inappropriate, but I make sure she is OK. I also have a sister who does not like to talk on the phone for long periods. She calls me as much as I call her. We are close, and I know she likes me, so I just look at it as part of her personality.
I have read the comments on
I have read the comments on here and I guess I think differently than most posters.
I think it is each persons responsibility to keep a relationship going and that means to keep in contact with them.
I have 5 sisters. I keep in weekly sometimes daily contact with one (it goes both ways, if she hasn't heard from me in a couple days she calls). Three sisters I call once or twice a month (they rarely call me but are very busy). One sister I rarely call but I am always there when she needs me,she never calls me unless she needs something (lots of drama in her life).
The one sister I talk to almost daily complains that the other sisters don't ever call her but she doesn't call them either. I tell her the majority of the time I call them! I don't mind it - it is worth it to me to keep the relationship going with my siblings. One of these days maybe the tables will be turned and they will do all the calling. ???
My parents never call me. I don't think they have long distance come to think of it. But I call and talk to my mother twice a month or so depending on how they are feeling, more so if I know they are sick. They are always happy that I call.
My daughter and I speak 3-4 times a week, the calls goes both ways. We talk about everything. My son usually calls when he has something specific to talk about. I call him regularly, once a week or bi-monthly and sometimes just leave a message that I love him and how is the family?. I call my grandson at least once a week and talk to him for a few minutes even though he is little.
My SSstb18 usually calls his dad if he has something specific to say or if he wants something. DH rarely calls him unless he hasn't heard from him in a week or two.
DH rarely calls his parents or siblings.
I believe it is my responsibility to keep a relationship going with the people I love so I work on it. If they don't call me I call them. It's as simple as that...
Just like giving a birthday card or presents I give out regular phone calls.
Guess that all depends on the
Guess that all depends on the family relationship and the distance.
My family is 40+ hours away from me. I have 1 brother who is married with 4 children. It pains my mother a lot that I initiate no contact with my brother or his family. I am not close with my brother, nothing has ever happened between us, he lives 25 hours from me and I really have nothing in common other than we are blood related, therefore I have no urgency to speak to him about anything. I think he is a bit of an ass to be honest, so conversation is typically me keeping my mouth shut silently disagreeing with him - lol Therefore, I do not call, I see him maybe once a year or once every other year at the most. We say hello at Christmas on the phone.
I call my mom once and awhile, its rare my dad ever talks on the phone - my mom calls me about once a week or once every 2 weeks - I suppose if she didn't do that, it would go months - I simply don't pick up my phone for anything.
I do send emails though - I guess I am just not into the phone. Its not personal - just the way I am I guess.
I have a good relationship
I have a good relationship with my bios, and we call each other once or twice a week. We each initiate the calls.
DH has a good relationship with his kids, and they each call him every day. They always call him, but he will call them if he has a question, funny story to tell, whatever. I think the daily calls are over the top, but it works for them. If they call the house phone instead of his cell and I answer, they're both good natured and polite and will talk with me too, unless they're having a meltdown of some variety.
I call my elderly Mom at least once a week. That's the way it's always been with my parents though, we kids call them. If my parents ever called me once I left for college, it was because I was in trouble about something.
I do talk to my siblings, usually email or fb, but sometimes a phone call too. There is some tension among the sibs, but I think I'm on speaking terms with all of them at the moment.
As a parent I feel that it is
As a parent I feel that it is our job to keep communication open with our children. From the beinning the parent is the initiator. In most cases the mother. I fail to do this with my grown girls. My oldest daughter moved out on her own when she was 18 years old. I was busy working two job and raising her little sister. I never relized how little I really saw her. My youngest daughter got married straight out of high school to a wonderful young man. Six years go by and I'd see them about once every two or three months and on hoildays. I put it down to them being young and staring their lives together. My oldest daughter had my first granddaughter durning this time and we started spending more time together. None of us was the initiator. Then my son-in-law got killed in a car wreck. It was like a slap in the face how little time I had spent with them. That was three months ago. I told both my daughter how sorry I'am for letting our relationship take a back burner in life. I always thought I had time. Now we talk every day. The "I love you" are spoke every time. At first it was strange. But they've come around now and are calling me as much as I do them. Its sad that it took the death of my sweet son-in-law to open my eyes.
I talk to my folks on a
I talk to my folks on a regular basis. DW does the same with her folks. Now I recently got into an ugly spat with my Dad and needed a cooling off period, but I spent Saturday afternoon with him helping him out with some garden chores.
Even when I was feeling a little sore towards my folks, my love never abatted so - really? - I never regarded contact with my folks as a "responsibility". Maybe this is because our families live in close proximity to one another.