What should I feel ?
I want to be very honist about my situation which has came down to becoming a soon to be ex wife. Maybe before we married, I should have listened to my instinct. My husband has two grown kids, girl and a boy,I myself have two grown daughters.His daughter has nothing to do with him, she holds it aginst him for,taking her child away from her years ago.He did this because she was not being a good mother. The daughter has never got over it. The one time I ment her you could see and feel the bitterness.He regrets it that she can not forget what he did. His son is almost 40. After their dads divorce,which was his first marrage the wife moved out of state taking both kids, this caused him alot of hurt but in time the son came to live with his dad. He could not get along with his mom, so she sent him to live with his dad.Ofcorse this was great or was it? With dad he had free rain did what he wanted,very spoilled to say the least. My husband married again after this and it ended in divorce, Because of problems with the children.I must say that if it was anything like our marrage is now, I can understand the problems.It is not about our kids but his son,who is almost as I said,40 and married now.I seen how his son treated his dad before we got married and felt the jealousy about us getting married. WE did and now I have become truley hurt by the son and his wife,as hard as I tried to make things work, I am truley the enemy.The son and his wife have a drinking problem and have no respect for anyone. I have tried to overlook alot of things but in so doing its got worse. He shows his dad disrespect and wants to control him, Hes hurt him over and over again and laughs it off like its nothing. It hurts me deeply the disrespect he shows his dad and I can not help but stand up aginst the wrong, its my husband. Also the wife has one of the worst potty mouths I have been around.Hear is my issue, my husband agrees that they are a problem. They hate me for saying they are doing wrong,My husband tells me he understands and agrees it is wrong, knows it hurts me.What the problem is, I speek up he dont, he acts as if he fears saying anything to his son and dont.I have been left on my own, asking for some respect from them, trying to say it nicely,all I get is a F-you, They refuse to respect me.My husband and I have argued over this issue time and time again, Why he refuces to stand up for himself,his wife or our marrage, letting me be run down and abused by them, my own kids can not understand it. They get along well with him, yet see why it has hurt me so badly. He tells me he loves me, wants me happy,but still lets me be the bad guy so to speek. I ask him to see someone get help, which he agreed to, we both went to a marrage couselor,one visit,between visits we had issues again and I did not make the next visit, he did.Something else I forgot is he avoids telling all the facts,only what he wants to but on my first meeting with the couselor, I shared that I was the victum of child abuse and that I could not hide my feelings,or hurt well. He new this as well. I know that being abused as a child has effects on your adult life yes,I agree.But in all truth this issue is about lack of respect and his not being able to stand up for right,where his son is involved. What I heard from my husband after his second visit was that it was all my fault not his, This really was hard to take, she never even heard my side of it. She said I was to blame and it would be in his interest to divorce me. I really felt telling her I had been a victum of abuse, labeled me guilty. I still can not understand this it hurts.I guess once more I am a victum Of asking for respect standing up for right ways,not justifing or excepting his sons way of treating us both. I have been told, he still loves me if I want to try and work it out,we can. My feelings are if he can not see what his son is trying to do and care,why try? He will stay in denyal and go on fearing his son.So I to feel divorce is the only answer,what good is it if I am the only one who cares??
How do you KNOW this
How do you KNOW this counsellor actually said this?! Your DH could be feeding you whatever he likes because you wouldnt know any difference, besides which I am extremely sceptical that after ONE visit and little information from you, she concluded that this was ALL your fault and DH needs to divorce you. That sounds like something an unprofessional, clueless charlatan would say. Plus, its convenient for DH, that he doesnt need to work on his inability to retain boundaries in his own home, his marriage and the way he interacts with his children.
Urgh, impo this man has yet again fallen onto what he is programmed to do and that is throw you to the wolves. He already has ruined one marriage with his issues and now he is damaging you with his lies and weakness. What is worse, it seems he is using your own past, your own issues caused when you are a vulnerable, innocent child as the reason, the scapegoat and that to me is sick. Tells me he will do anything to wriggle out of consequences.
Your DH and his children all have problems, which are nothing to do with you. I recommend you take severe action to reduce the amount of damage these people are doing to you, you need to protect yourself first and foremost before anything else and I would refuse to allow ss and his wife entry into your home. If you dont have to talk, see or socialise with them then it doesnt matter what they say, do because you dont have to be exposed to that. Change your house number or at the least get call screening (I would do both and without discussing with DH, just do it). These people are selfish, they need someone to project their failures and problems onto - a punch bag if you like, and that is you. If it wasnt you, they would probably find someone external to blame instead. Why waste your breath in trying to reason with a DH who doesnt want to change? Do something for yourself instead, they are blaming you anyway so give them something to really complain about, while you bask in peace (I would also not listen to any rantings, name calling or engage in any arguments with DH - simply tell him how its going to be or the police will be called and then walk away or out the room if he does begin. Shut off from him if necessary).
Delilah has some good
Delilah has some good advice.
I would also like to suggest you get YOURSELF a counselor who is acting on YOUR behalf.
It might help you to understand that a counselor can say something to their clients, then it is out of their hands as to how the client interprets it, twists it uses it to manipulate others.
Also, anything the counselor says to your husband is geared towards her being YOUR HUSBANDS advocate for HIS mental health. This can make it seem like they are against you, but they aren't, they are just doing their job.
NO PROFESSIONAL AND COMPETANT COUNSELOR WOULD SAY IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! No situation is that black-and-white. If this counselor said this, they are a quack! :O
This is why I really suggest you get YOUR OWN counselor, and have that counselor help you understand what is going on. Take your time and find one who is good.
Does the son and his wife
Does the son and his wife live with you? I'm assuming they do. The first solution is getting them out. If not, ban them from your house until they can be respectful.
I also agree with the others about seeing another counselor to get another perspective. You're not the bad guy here. Your DH created this monster. Any counselor that tells you it's your fault isn't hearing the entire story. Find a better one and tell him/her everything you told us. The main culprit in this trainwreck is your jellyback DH.
I hope this time my reply
I hope this time my reply works, I have did this 2 other times and it just disapered somewhere. I want to thank all of you, for the input, it helps. Right now I feel like I am tossed away trash. All for standing up for what I feel is right. I am not totaly not to blame, as I told the counselor. Its hard for me to hide my feelings, my hurt. I told her I was guilty, of getting flustrated at him and loud,at times. At times I wanted to grab his shoudlers and shake him, asking what is your problem? More so when he had excauses for everything.Telling me, your right I totaly agree, then nothing would change.I have also been told by his family that,one thing that makes them better than me is their, educations. I was a high school drop out, true.All I could say was, this is not what makes a person, who they are inside. I may not be educated but life has taught me alot. Also despite my abusive childhood, I did learn to respect others and have manners. In reguard to one of the replys, no the son and wife, do not live with us. They wrote me off long ago, they said. And as long as dad was with me they would not come around. In other words another vice to hurt his dad. This to me was so curel, he knows his dad loves him, so he will do things to make him feel gilty, they are good at this. All because I ask for respect from them, respect our home our lives, our values. They are so good at turning things around and degrading me, trying to make me look so bad. This marrage is only been about one and a half years long, and its been me fighting to hold it together. Feeling so alone at times and asking why go on caring? When is enouf, enouf ? I also feel that if I am the wedge that comes between him and his son, it hurts me to,even if its not my fault. Could I live with this ?Its very hard for me to let go, I love my husband,but dues he love me, is this love on his part?In some ways I can see what he is doing to himself and us. As a child I loved my dad, not the abuse, he was my only dad, my parent. This love kept me traped in the abuse, I did not want to see my dad go to jail. So in turn I payed for it, I carried the truth and hurt about what was happening to me, hide inside fearing saying anything. It was a heavey burden to bare. But out of love I did for many years. Now I can see how wrong this was, it was not loving him to let it go nor loving myself. In the end it hurt my hole family, not only me. I feel hear to my husband is doing this to,by denying the truth because he loves his son,right or wrong. So this love is hurting him and our marrage. And like me in time it will hurt him more and his family.When its to late to change things.I will be gone.And he will end up seeing that,his son was not loving his dad by disrespecting him, trying to control him, he to has chose to carry the hurt and truth inside,saying its because he loves his son,and dues not want to lose him.In time he will find out that on his sons part he was not being loved but controled. Real love is not selfish or demanding or control. Love cares and wants the best for you,it should not hurt you or destroy you. My feeling.At this point I am at my daughters. Sence he let me know the counsler said, it was in his best interest to divorce me. I could not handle that even he, could except this. He knows the truth. I do not know what he had to say to her but I am sure it was anything but the full truth.He has chose to stay in this denyal, so I left. Again I can not let my love for him destroy me.I told him to get a divorce, I wounder how this will go,will what the counsler said, also hurt me hear to? I have no job no way of suporting myself,a place to live yes. I no how hard it will be to find a job, I will turn 59 on january 9th,so my age will not help me any.Or our economy problems. I can not aford a counsler on my own and at this time like so many,have no medical Ins. I am a strong person but I am worried. He is self imployed no money issues.Yet, as I said, I can not live in this situation,its to stressful and it hurts. I pray God will intervean and open his eyes, this is all I can do is trust God. I feel for all of you who can relate to all this, I know your pain and feel for you, we are not alone, we may think we are right ?
We have all made mistakes. It
We have all made mistakes. It doesn't mean you are worthless or unable to rebound from this situation. Education doesn't equal intelligence, especially "emotional intelligence". Some of the most educated people around with PhD's are the most clueless when it comes to common sense. Believe me we KNOW, because we deal with a lot of them in our area, we live very close to a major university. Also my skids (my SS and his fiance) have Master Degrees and they are dumb when it comes to being mature.
If you can't afford a counselor, read as many GOOD books as you can - I highly suggest anything by DR. Henry CLOUD and Dr. John TOWNSEND.
Here is a link to their site online:
http://cloudtownsend.com/
Hope this helps. They have a lot of experience and good advice, and information on how to deal with "unsafe people" in our lives.
Take care.
Not-the-mom, thank you for
Not-the-mom, thank you for your input and refering me to that website! Already planning on ordering afew books.
Well your husband needs to
Well your husband needs to man up and stop letting his Older son disrespect you, I would ask him how would he like it if your kids treated him this way, would he tolerate it? or would he tell them to leave? Im thinking he lets things go because BS is the ONLY child that stuck by him ( irregaurdless of how he turned out) and fears to lose him completely and have none of his kids around.
I say this because my BF did and kinda still does the same thing with SS19, he would get away with murder cause he was the only kid that had anything to do with him out of the 5.
I would turn the tables on him and ask him how would he feel if you let your kids act like that, and if you didnt respect him enough to have his back.
He needs to let go, and seperate himself from BS until he learns respect for him and you, my door wouldn't even open!
He is cosighning this behavior instead of putting his foot down and denying it is ONLY making matters worse, so instead of admitting he is at fault and telling BS he is at fault he is willing to compromise his home, his marriage and your life together because he wont take a stand, and that is what I would tell him! He needs to reprioritize BADLY.
First off, God isn’t going to
First off, God isn’t going to intervene. Any intervention that is going to be done will have to be done by you.
“Sence he let me know the counsler said, it was in his best interest to divorce me.”
If what you say is true, I think you have a good case against this therapist and could sue her for malpractice and also alienation of affections from your husband.
Here is a quote from Wiki, not the best of sources, but you can scout around for yourself: “At common law, alienation of affections is a tort action brought by a deserted spouse against a third party alleged to be responsible for the failure of the marriage. The defendant in an alienation of affections suit is typically an adulterous spouse's lover, although family members, counsellors and therapists or clergy members who have advised a spouse to seek divorce have also been sued for alienation of affections.”
Even if it was all fabricated by your husband either way somebody is going to be exposed for the big fat liar they are and you might even make a few bucks out of the deal yourself.
Chin up, stop playing the victim and intervene on your own behalf.
God, has been the reason I
God, has been the reason I have got threw alot of things, in my life. Knowing he is there for me, is a comfort. Someone to listen to my problems, I know he understands it all. Yes, I know that I also need to face truths too. There is right and wrongs. His son already said, as long as dad is with me, they will not come to our house. It makes me feel bad because his dad needs his son in his life. I understand this, he is all thats left of his own family now. His son remarks that they have, unconditional love, I fail to see love on his sons part. I see him using his dads love to control him and his life; our marriage too. I see the fear of being rejected and forgotten in my husband. He fears even standing up for himself, let alone me. This has been why his kids hate me so much. I have been defending us both, they see me as a big problem, because I do not take their disrespect or right the wrong. Now it is him seeing them behind my back or by phone. They tell all his friends about me, how bad I am, that I am a wedge between him and his dad. It hurts deeply. My husband can not even say, "son you are wrong." He tells me he loves me but it is hard to beleave this because of his lack of showing it, letting me be to blame, take all the blame. If he cared himself about truth, loving his son would be correcting him in love, standing up for right not wrong. Let him grow up and learn the hard way, how wrong he is.
I love my husband but I do not see us making it. He is not going to change, hes not concerned about losing me, only his son. He is in denial, closing his eyes to truths. Only he like his son can change themselves, nither one wants to face the wrong, my hands seem tied, all I can do is stop trying, let him live for his son. He has no life of his own, his life IS his sons, he is lost somewhere. I am still at my daughters, nothing has changed. He was going to the lawyer again today, I see no answer but to get out of his mess. I too can not live with the blame and hurt or the denial. The feeling guilty he can not have me and his son, a family. I am waiting to see if he kept the appointment with the lawyer. Now that he has to really chose the right or the wrong, I feel his son will win. As for this so call lady counselor, no if, she said, divorce me it was not right. She did not know the whole truth, knowing my husband, he covered his ass. As his son tries to do. I may be a single women again soon. Not because I did not try. Again thanks for sharing, all of you.
Your husband can still see
Your husband can still see his son, but not at your house. Personally, I see that as a blessing.
That is how my DH and I are doing it. The skids are not welcome here (and I doubt they want to come here anyway) and my husband will not be going to their homes without me.
He is free to talk to them on the phone (out of my hearing) and if they do see one another, it will be for lunch or something like that at a "neutral" resturant, etc....
If the son really does need his father in his life, why did HE make the comment he wasn't coming to your house again, if you are there? This is VERY disrespectful to his father by way of treating YOU poorly.
When you say, "I see him using his dads love to control him and his life; our marriage too." That is exactly what he is trying to do, like a spoiled child. Turn it back on him. If HE chooses to act out, and make demands, than say "OK, not seeing your father is YOUR CHOICE, not your fathers."
If your husband can't see that it is his responsibility to make sure his WIFE is of PRIORITY in his life - over his spoiled son - than that is HIS CHOICE if the marriage doesn't work out.
Why are you feeling guilty? YOU are not he one who is making these demands, and it is your HUSBANDS choice to go along with his son's demands. You are taking on what is called "false guilt". You are not guilty, so don't take responsibility for their bad behavior.
Of course the son and everyone else will blame YOU, because you are the "scapegoat". They refuse to take responsibility for THEIR OWN ACTIONS. It is much easier to put the blame on someone else for their immature actions.
If you do go through with the divorce, I am sorry that the marriage did not work out, but only take responsibility for what you are really responsible for, and don't take on any "false guilt". They need to take responsibility for THEIR actions.
Take care.