When Should Grown Step Kids Move Out?
I wanted to get some people’s thoughts on a situation that I find myself in as a step-parent.
My wife has 2 kids from an earlier marriage, in their mid to late 20’s, one of whom has a 2yr. old toddler. They and their respective spouses had previously been living in another state for pretty much their entire lives.
About a year ago, they all decided to move here to Florida, because the employment opportunities were better in their fields of work. I own a couple of apartments nearby, and offered them to my step-kids to live in as temporary housing, so they could all get situated.
There is no written lease. I had simply requested that the kids cover my expenses (taxes, utilities, etc.) until they found jobs and decided that they wanted to stay in Florida. All 4 kids have since found full time employment in their respective fields, and are earning pretty good money.
The amount that they are paying in rent each month is at least half, or in some cases a third, of what these apartments go for. The whole idea was for them to save money until they can move into permanent housing.
My wife and I also babysit our grand son for free 5 days a week, so the one step daughter and husband can maintain a full time work schedule.
A year has gone by, and that is currently where we stand. Right now, I have not seen any signs of the kids being motivated to find permanent housing.
A large part of this problem is that my wife does not want her kids to move, at least for the next 5 years. I feel this is simply not beneficial for anyone involved.
I have no way of creating a united front with my wife, and this entire situation could possibly put our marriage at great risk.
My question is: how much time would you consider the kids living under this arrangement to be fair and reasonable, before they should be out there finding their own places to live?
Thanks very much for your thoughts!
We did the same to help one
We did the same to help one of our daughter's, let them live in a rental until they could either buy or get on tehir feet. I don't know if the laws are the same in FL as they are where we were but that caused us a HUGE amount of tax issues because we rented less than fair market value. We ened up owing the IRS and fought them for months. For your financial sake it might be time they pay something on the low side of fait market or they find something of their choice as you may be the one holding the big cost for your kindness in the end.
We too did the sitting part-time to help them but what I was noticing is my daughter wouldn't listen to my help and wanted certain things done her way. She was the mom but I also didn't want the hard feelings and it was hard for me to get anything done.....I had already raised 4 kids, still had one at home and I was working. So I finally told her that she would have to find someone to help out and she did. Unfortunately I felt she made a poor choice based on frienship and I had a real bad feeling for where my grandchild was each day and had to deal with a certain amount of guilt because I had asked her to find someone to help.
As it turned out they didn't last long there. SIL didn't like the area and they moved. I was crushed as I was so looking fwd to having the relationship with them.
You have helped graciously and really they all have to learn to stand on their own 2 feet. We can help but too much isn't good for them. It sound sme me like it is time they start taking on more of their responsibilities for themselves.
I think you have gone beyond
I think you have gone beyond the realms of helping, with all you have done for them....really.
Now it is time to either get them into their own places, or would you consider them tennants on a proper lease....paying the correct rent of course.....
If you do nothing they will just stay put..... Also babysitting for free is amzing, but maybe it's time to pull back on that too, I'm sure you mention you are doing it fulltime for them??
Time for some tough love, I really do not get how your wife doesn't want to see her kids, working hard, raising families, and settled in their OWN homes??? Isn't that what every parent wants????
Tell them they are welcome to
Tell them they are welcome to but will have to start paying market rate.
Tell them they are welcome to
Tell them they are welcome to but will have to start paying market rate.
Tell them they are welcome to
Tell them they are welcome to but will have to start paying market rate.
It's a tough situation
It's a tough situation because like you said, since your wife is not willing to be on a united front about this it will definitely cause a strain in your marriage. Since your wife is so determined for them to stay, that's fine but tell them you are raising the rent. Tell them in three months if they wish to continue to stay in the apartments you will charge market value for the rent, like others have said. That way are not "making" them move out, and if they do move out it will be your own decision. Your wife is wrong if she tries to make you feel guilty, which OF course she will do. But I've said it a million times before, your sanity is more important than anything else.
You offered them a cheap place to stay out of the kindness of your heart, and now it seems like the kids are taking advantage of the situation. Also, I would make the one set of kids start looking for daycare. I know you may enjoy having your grandkid around, but these are the years you are supposed to be enjoying yourself, not watching a kid everyday. Like the other person said, if your wife wants to keep watching him...that's fine but you should not feel obligated to do so. Have fun on the golf course.
People who are decent deserve
People who are decent deserve respect. YOU must first respect yourself enough to not be taken advantage of. You do no owe your wife a career as a doormat at the luxury of her kids. A woman doesn't respect that in a man anyway. YOur wife needs a releity check, as does ANY bioparent, that the kids are not boss, are not yours, and are not owed anything.
This needs to become a business arrangement. Lease agreement. Love what the other person said about "getting them on paper" to the benefit of their status as renters/owners in their own right. And I'll say this: no one is ENTITLED to own a home. Many people rent their whole lives. And kids will NEVER take up their own reins until pushed to it.
Getting married means you signed up for times of strain as well as the good times. Life=some strain and pain. If it's a good marriage, you will weather it. If it is so weak that you cannot reclaim your dignity and your investment as well, then maybe it's better to let things fall where they may. You wouldn't take short shrift from renters. Neither should you continually take it from these ADULT skids.
I don't think there is a
I don't think there is a specific age to have a kid or skid move out, it all depends on how they act and what they are doing to be productive, personally if they are being decent and attending college I'd give them until 21 or so so they can finish college, but they have to maintain grades and help pick up around the house. If they just want to work fine pay rent and still clean up around the house, they'd have to clean their own dwelling if they moved out. Too many adult kids and skids want a maid and money and to just watch tv and play games anymore. Depends on the kid/skid.