I was widowed with a 17 year old son. Then two years later I met my wonderful DH whom I am married to now. With him came two skids - older and lived with their mom - but they have still been a challenge to deal with.

If I had had to deal with skids and go through the grief walk of losing my husband, it would have really been much harder.

I send you (((((((HUGS)))))))

I highly recommend you get yourself in with a grief support group that can help you. There are "early grief" support groups, and then there are "later grief" support groups. The grief walk has different stages. You are 16 months along, but that doesn't mean you are not still dealing with grief.

One online support group is Widownet.org

There are different forums for different needs. Forums for those who are further along in their grief, and grief support for people who lost their spouse through violence, suicide, long-term illness, sudden accident or illness, etc... Each has it's own set of challenges in dealing with the lose of a spouse.

I found Widownet.org very helpful - but please realize that just like here, there are some "challenging" characters there just as there are here at StepTalk.org. The emotions can be much more raw. It is all part of the grief walk.

Take care and God Bless.

Dear Just-this-maid,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband nearly two years ago now and I can so relate to what you're going through. The idea to post on Widownet is a good one. I do that and have been doing it for quite a while. Grief support groups helped me tremendously too. I attended a hospice run group for a year. But I have come here for support for the continued problems with his kids. My problems are mostly over money and estate issues and have been going on for a year now. Probably the worst year in my life. And so unkind in the face of my grief.

One thing I found when I lost my husband was that I also lost many other people. I lost most members of my immediate family, and certainly the step kids and also some dear friends. The is a core of friends who have stuck with me and continued to give me support. Unfortunately, this peripheral loss is not uncommon. You are no longer a member of a couple, you are no longer married to their dad, people tire of hearing and seeing you sad, people see you and are reminded that mortality is 100%.

Keep your strength up and do your best to just let these people go. If they ignore you, you eventually have to accept that they were not really your friends. I have not had an easy time doing that, but with the help of a therapist, it is getting easier.

Hugs.

I feel for you.... For some step kids there is never a REAL acceptance of a step-mothers place in their lives. I know because I have step kids that go out of their way to let me know on a regular basis I am ONLY their father's wife - no relation to them. I fully accept should their father go first, I would probabably never have contact with them again after the funeral. It is to be expected with the way they have always treated me. I realize they do not REALLY like me but have to maintain a civility towards me as their father demands it. For some reason they feel to truly accept me as family is somehow disloyal to their biological mother...even through their mother and father divorced years before he and I ever met. Family dynamics are complicated and for the most part cannot even be explained. As hard as it is to accept, you must find a way to move on from them. To lose your husband has to be devastating and I hope you find peace. I would suggest that you seek out some Widow Groups that can help you through the grieving process as you have lost not only your husband but some of his children as well that you felt a closeness to....

For Just and Lucy,
I came tonight to this site for the first time, for just this issue. So I am already comforted to know there are other widowed step-moms out there who are now dealing with adult step kids who've lost a parent.

I was married for 25 years. They lived with us from the beginning and were 10s, 13d, and 17s when I came in. Later we had two of our own they are now 24d and 22d. Their natural mother died 22 years ago. My husband, their father died just 11 months ago.

It seems to me that grief is very personalized, and no one can understand the nature of some one's loss, especially if the relationship was different. So try not to take it personally if they seem to be grieving more for their loss than acknowledging yours. My daughters hardly know what the level of my grief is. How could they? with 7 and 2 years of marriage...they are far behind knowing what it means to have lived loved and fought with some one to make a difficult situation turn into a semblance of family life and after that a loving marriage, and then to lose him. Leaving you on your own to pick up the pieces of what was already strained.

You are not shut out of his life, but theirs. Unfortunately I also experienced as you said in your blog being cast as second fiddle in my husband's last days. I was not seen a important to the whole scene, He was their father I was just...his wife.

And yes, Mindy it makes no matter how many years of marriage or 'family life" there has been, some step-children just don't get that we are there as moms for them and we get relegated to this far-flung distant relationship known as 'father's wife" it is very painful.

As soon as my husband died, the undercurrent of distrust and jealousy that my stepkids felt toward me all these years just became intensely stormy seas. Issues are about money and estate settlement. The comments that my stepkids made about me in my presence were appalling. Anything my husband wanted to give me is being strongly contested by the younger son. I have not been able to speak with him since December. There is tension and strained relations among all the children now (which didn't seem to be there before or was less obvious).

With the loss of my husband, I also lost my family as i understood it, my financial support and the social support of my religious/spiritual community. Thank G-d I have lots of supportive friends and the overall community (small town) is very supportive.

I know that my relationship with my stepkids was never even close to ideal, and even so it seems things are much worse now. I still would like to keep our little family together (we have no extended family other than their spouses and their children) and be a grandmother to the grandchildren as I have been over the years..oldest grandchild is turning 20 this summer.

With much dedication I made my marriage work, and I'm hoping that I can now apply myself to improving my relationships with my step children, that we will work together as a family to help those hurting the most, to heal the wounds and move into a new phase of family life.

I am here to support other widowed step-parents and to receive suggestions and support for my mission: One Family with One Heart.

Thanks to you all, Rach

Rachel and others,

I have not meant to discount my stepchildrens' grief. In fact, for the first year we all really tried to get along. Their actual feelings for me raised their ugly heads in that year. For example, the morning after my husband's death, my stepson removed the trust file from the file drawer and began laughing as he read it. Not too much later, I asked them to leave. I have a small house and could not accommodate them comfortably and did not feel up to the entertaining they always expected. I needed to be alone and not be reminded of how often his kids demanded information and changes in the trust. Nor did I want to think about how they referred to me as "the third wife." My husband often said they were just waiting for him to die. We were married for nearly 20 years.

Still, I tried. Then his daughter refused to come to the memorial I had planned until I finally offered to pay for her to fly. She lives in the same state but in a different part. Then when I called her once, needing some support for my sadness, she rudely interjected, "Don't you have family you can call?"

Then we began trying to negotiate the trust and that's when I learned they had decided to hate me. Sure they were grieving for their father, as I was for mine and my husband (they died 6 weeks apart), but they took it out on me. There is no happy family in my future.

I have worked with two lawyers. I had to fire the first one and get someone who who was willing to fight for me. I feel in good hands now.

When they write something nasty to me, I still get upset, but I'm hoping that sooner or later I won't. They are both troubled and have extreme anger issues. That's not my fault. I came into their lives when they were 26 and 28. I had nothing to do with their childhoods, and I did my best to support them as adults, including spending hours on the phone with my stepdaughter while she was hysterical. None of that matters now. They have rejected me and I don't expect that to change so I've rejected them too.

I am moving forward and looking after myself now.