Xmas Eve Surprise!
First, Merry Christmas to all who celebrate.
My husband and I went to my in-laws for Christmas Eve dinner, last night.
Upon walking in, unbeknownst to me, I see my SIL and SD sitting at the table, eating.
[If you read my previous posts, you'll see the unresolved issues I have concerning my SIL and SD]
I turn around to look at my husband and he's got a little smile on his face, though I know his intentions were pure.
It was extremely awkward, and I felt very unprepared for that encounter.
I haven't spoken to my SD since January 7th, 2024.
My SIL has been a whole toxic, "push-pull" situation for the past 11 years and I finally had enough and decided I was done interacting with her life we have a genuine relationship - because we sure don't!
Anyhow, we were asked by my MIL to sit down [at the same table as my SD and SIL] to eat.
Imagine. A little round table with 4 chairs... this is how close we all were.
I went about it the best I could, completely acting like they were not even in the room, maintaining a relaxed composure, though I was anything but, internally.
Once those two got up to go into the living room, I asked my husband if he had forknoweldge of this.
He answered, "Yes."
Shocked, I told him that I was not ok with it, that things, as he already knew, are not ok and that I needed to know about this kind of thing because it requires a certain kind of "preparation." Just common sense.
There's no trust there, with outstanding issues THEY need to OWN.
Also interesting, my SD has attended church services recently, the past 2 weeks, after not doing so since January. She hasn't been sitting with us, though. I hope her intentions in doing so are genuine, for her sake.
I feel almost wrong for completely ignoring them, and that frustrates me, because I am not the one who caused the harm. I'm just the one setting boundaries they aren't used to.
I asked my husband not to ever do that again without my foreknowledge. That wasn't fair.
Not fair.
Our spouses should have our backs. Always. This was setting you up for what purpose? Did those 2 plan on apologizing to you? Did they know you were being there?
He absolutely should not set you up. No. No
I'd be pretty angry.
Exactly my point. There was
Exactly my point. There was no reason good enough for it. He offered no explanation as to why he did it, either. I don't know what he was expecting or what "good" would've come of it.
As far as it is with my SIL, I don't want any connection to her unless necessary. I don't hate her, I just don't want to be a part of the drama and covert instigation. I mind my own business. I bother no one and she was low-key starting "fires." I don't have time for drama or disingenuous people. Time is short and life is too precious... and I don't want to be eating next to her either.
SD has been sneaky, manipulative, and super disrespectful, especially behind my back. I am not allowing what she has said and done to be swept under the rug. I don't want to see her, interact with her, hear her, let alone eat at the same table across from her. I'm super angry he did that. He did not cover me as he should have.
That's fk'd up. My SO was
That's fk'd up. My SO was similarly accosted by someone he hasn't spoken to in a few years. He just turned around and walked away. He refused to plaster on a fake smile and pretend everything is ok, even though the person continues to betray him. Toxic familoes do this kind of thing, and it sounds like your DH is part of one. I'm so sorry.
Definitely toxic
My family has some issues too, as all families do, but not one of them EVER treated my husband the way certain members of His family have treated me.
If I deserved it, I'd try to make it right. But, I don't. I show nothing but love and respect for them all.
So many complicated issues there.
Ugh!
I am sorry to read this, DENIP. Yes, your husband should have had your back. Putting you on the spot like that was not fair or kind. Cyber hugs to you.
So much of what you have written resonates with me. I, too, do not hate but am unwilling to foster the dysfunction. Cycle breakers get blamed; maybe in the future it will not be so, but right now I am comfortable with their discomfort and my own discomfort at the unfairness of it all. Sweeping things under the rug is not okay. Those who do so are sick. They alone have to decide they want healthy, genuine relationships. If/when that happens, my door is always open.
Agreed...
My husband is usually a pretty supportive guy. This to me was a bit selfish on his part. Whatever the reason, it wasn't good enough and certainly was not a wise one.
Dealing with narcissistic/toxic people, especially in the family, is complicated and challenging. There's no "cookie cutter" strategy. But, we on "team healthy" need our boundaries in place, no matter who understands, doesn't understand, likes, or dislikes it.
My brother is toxic and I've dealt with him the same way for years now. Minimal contact.
To me, it is a gross injustice to allow people to offend you over and over again, with no change and no ownership. In a court of law, you'd be held accountable and handed out the appropriate consequence, with the level of consequence increasing as the person continues to offend unrepentantly.
I wasn't stressed out or anything until he allowed this to happen. Now, I'm stewing because I feel it is unresolved and will need an extended conversation.
Thank you for sharing and I'm sending you hugs right back.
Yes!
Dealing with narcissistic/toxic people, especially in the family, is complicated and challenging. There's no "cookie cutter" strategy. But, we on "team healthy" need our boundaries in place, no matter who understands, doesn't understand, likes, or dislikes it.
This is true. I think it so interesting, though, that cycle breakers are seen as the problem. Shaking my head at that....
I umderstand about siblings. My sister is an alcholic, I have had to go no contact more than once, I am currently no contact. She is killing herself with her drinking. I saw a picture on Facebook of my mom and her in a bar. Again, shaking my head....
I am glad you are not going to overlook what happened. Good luck with your conversation, hopefully you will achieve understanding and resolution.
That would be the last time
Playing that game. I would never go to SIL house again. One time being ambushed woukd be enough. and DH not having your back for his '''happy family''' woukd never happen again.
'You have a DH problem. He thinks all water is under the bridge and we can start over. Remind him he divorced BM. His water didn't flow under his bridge
Never again...
... will it happen if I can help it. It was his aunt's/mother's house. They live together. SIL was visiting at the same time with SD.
The issue for me is SD is manipulating in conversations via text and phone, and has been since January. My DH doesn't share very much (if anything at all) with me regarding SD. So who knows what stuff has been discussed lately between them.
I honestly am sitting here still wondering what in the world he was thinking setting me up like that. Nothing in my mind says it was the right thing to do.
He is well aware of his lying, covert ops, untrustworthy, unstable sister.
And he is well aware, because he witnessed it, of his daughter's rebellious, nasty, immature, unhealthy, disrespectful attitude. She has offended me in MANY ways and not made it right. She continues to justify her actions in a narcissistic fashion.
I know that SD and DH will always be linked. I expected that and do not desire that they do not have a relationship. But, his refusal to cover me, stand for what is right with me, and not continue to reinforce the fact that we cannot "play nicey nice" with each other until the offender comes correct is astounding. What she did is still an outstanding offense and she must account for that. (What happened is in my posts).
That was a BETRAYAL. Your H
That was a BETRAYAL. Your H deceived you, and intentionally did you dirty so HE could be happy. What a selfish coward.
Please don't let him off the hook. In this, he behaved just as badly as his toxic relatives do.
Wow..talk about a very
Wow..talk about a very awkward and unwelcome encounter. I understand. so I am so sorry and I would be absolutely livid to have that forced on me ever again... which is always my underlying fear... As if its not nerve wracking enough to know that SD or other relatives you'd rather avoid, might show up compleltely unnacounced .
Im with you in that..its a surprise that I will never ever want and can live without.
Thats bad enough. Its another matter to have DH, MIL or anyone else corner you into it without giving you a heads up knowing how you feel and what boundaries you set.
My MIL and DH's aunt live together too. and SD is the main reason why I dont come around as often anymore. Its also why I cant help but get instant anxiety over any time I have to visit. Always feel nervous whenever I get around to making my own plans with MIL, because every damn time, SD can be counted on to intervene and insert herself. Since I will always wonder if it will be an opportunity to get stuck having to indulge SD when I dont have to. I avoid her like the plague as much as I can.
.I also wouldnt dream of arriving there unannounced ( personally, I have never been one who felt at ease taking that kind of liberty with anyone) But you never know when SD will show up, since she has no issue dropping by without much notice, if she gives any at all. Also little to no regard for anyones time or energy. Thats what she has been known to do, including our house , just has no qualms over inviting herself out of the blue without consulting me, feeling like I was ambushed too. Because this way, I would be stuck in a situation in which I coudnt or shouldnt tell her NO , or refuse her or get away from her ,..as she expected the red carpet rolled out. ., so you betcha I felt just trapped and something is always calculated in part from her, , which I didnt care for much at all.
Thats the thing with some of these people ( mainly SD30) ,You got it right to why these toxic people are not willing to understand such a concept of Boundaries. Especially when someone sets Boundaries with them that they are just not used to. How can they be when no one ( until the SM decided she reached her limit, which is why she becomes The Problem ) ever enforced any so it never dawns on them to expect anyone else to. IMHO, thats the root of all these blended family issues.
Ugh.... I'm sorry you have to
Ugh.... I'm sorry you have to experience that kind of awkwardness and drama. Life is challenging enough without having to deal with the issues of people who refuse to do the internal work.
I believe my SD's mom is mostly to blame for how messed up inside she is.
I spoke to DH last night about it all and he apologized stating he would never do it again, which I'm grateful for. I just really hope that SD comes to herself and realizes the "debt" she owes. Then and only then, can there be a possibility of reconciliation.
THe BM definitely had a role
THe BM definitely had a role in my SD;s over inflated need for attention with abandonment , Mommy/ Daddy issues as well as other serious mental problems, Not that I have let DH off the hook for the guilty daddy thing even though you cant blame him totally. However that never meant that limits and standards shouldnt have been set for SD as a child and a teen. Well they really werent so you can guess how that turned out.
I wish I had more encouraging things to report, but any efforts to compensate for BM and get SD on the straight and narrow to not end up like her were a waste of time and energy for my part and from my perspective. THe apple ended up not falling far from the BM Tree. A tiger doesnt always change its stripes, even when they try to make you believe otherwise..thats why I stopped beating myself up, for the most part, about instintively feeling ill at ease with reconcilling with SD30, since it never turns out well in the end..thats a fact.
I Just have no interest in reconcilling or wanting to be connected to anyone who has had any role in making my life harder and complicated when life is hard enough already, Sonmeone who did thing to add to my stress when i already had been going though a difficult time, and who coudnt have cared less. Nope,,it doesnt appeal to me to reconnect with SD and give her a chance to drag me down,,,after I have done the hard work of pulling myself out a bad place mentally, since my MH took a noticably signficant plunge due in part to having to put up with such a toxic, emotional void like SD is.
I feel you...
... and I understand your position completely. You do not have to reconcile with the offender. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different steps. You have to take care of your mental/emotional health. I used the opportunity to do some internal work to understand why I get "stuck on loop" when processing everything. My goal is to get to a place where I can forgive/release them and never have the past situation or anything in the future inflict pain on me.
Recent information given to me by DH, revealed the true heart and intentions of a handful of family members of his, whom I thought I could trust. In a nutshell, after about a month or so after SD was told to move out of our home by DH, we were invited to have a small gathering with said family members. When they asked where SD was, I was reluctant at first, but decided to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth of what occurred over time, and ultimately what lead to the outcome. DH revealed to me that, they took that information, discussed amongst themselves, gossiping, and even twisting the facts in ways you cannot imagine. This lead to MIL, SIL, and the aunt stonewalling me without cause and explanation. I never did anything wrong to deserve that. SD was and is the offender. SD did this to herself. SD literally had multiple opportunities to correct her behavior and show respect, but SHE CHOSE "violence." I was just one of the parental authorities holding her accountable (VERY respectfully, btw), and I got blamed for it all. How toxic and immature! DH was discreetly approached by an aunt whom we love and trust, asking him first, what occurred. She then told him what was actually being said amongst the gossip. DH was ticked! He explained to her that what they were saying was twisted and untrue, and he confirmed what I had disclosed saying that as unpleasant as it is to know, it is all true and based on the fact that SD is the one who did this to herself. I was glad to know this information, but saddened at the same time because after 11 years of thinking you know people, yet, you never really knew them at all. I'm sickened by it, and now know to NEVER, EVER, EVER talk to them about anything personal again. I will kindly direct them to my husband if it is anything to do with SD.
Our boundaries are for us/our protection. Not everyone needs to agree with, understand, or approve of them because it's not about them.
I hope you heal completely from the harm inflicted upon you and that you experience the freedom of forgiveness, so that their "arrows" no longer have a place to land.
Wow!
DENIP, you have done the work! I respect your viewpoint and agree with your goal that the "arrows" no longer have a place to land. I can not imagine 11 years in the family and being treated in that manner. I am so glad the aunt spoke up and let you know what was going on behind your back. Knowledge is power. I am also glad your DH had your back.
A lot of what you are saying reminds me of OSD and when she attempted to break into our home a few months ago. MIL was on the phone with OSD and after she heard the entire ugly confrontation, DH and I called her to see if she was okay and she told me, "Trudie, this needs to stop!!!" I could not believe my ears! I had not said one single word during OSD's rage fueled, hate-filled abusive rant. Yes, you read correctly, OSD tried breaking into our home and verbally assaulted me but I was the one to blame. OSD almost immediately took to social media to disparage her father and I and then sent DH an email saying "How dare you let her treat me this way!" That was just the tip of the iceberg. The hatred for me, in that email, was palpable...and scary. To this day, OSD maintains that she did nothing wrong. When I read the email to our therapist, she said that due to OSD's sick and distorted view of the incident plus her denial, she had a very minimal chance of ever turning her behavior around. She is that sick. Yet, it is my fault. I understand the extended family wants to believe that, because doing so takes the responsibility off OSD and them in turn. Yes, they too are sick.
I aspire to not let the arrows land, I am just not there yet. I am thankful for the progress that I have made in accepting that they have cast me as scapegoat. I am thankful that I can see them for what they are. I try to have compassion for them. Aside from that, all I can offer is being cordail in their presence.
Very similar!
Our situations with the families are so similar indeed! This is what is called a "toxic family dynamic." It is a gross injustice that OSD violated your boundaries, breaking in and then verbally assaulting you! Even worse that the blame is on the victim - you!
It is almost psychopathic in nature. It's just evil in every way. I'm sorry that happened to you. They want to believe and empathize with the OSD, not wanting to acknowledge the facts. That's exactly the situation I'm in. It is a revelation of how they truly think and feel about us. You know what? I'd rather know the truth than to keep being deceived by the masks. I was genuine in my love for them. They were not for me or else they would have considered my well-being before backstabbing me, and emotionally abusing me with the stonewalling and gossip. Family is not always right and blood is not always "thicker than water." Acting in the way they have is hypocritical, self-righteous, and foolish, and GOD does not take kindly to such things.
Since when did calling out what is wrong become a crime? How twisted to call good what is evil and what is evil good. When I'm finished processing this, I will be better for it and so will you. It will make us better, not bitter, and we will heal and move on.
Masks....
There is so much at play here. My DH's family had everything revealed to them this past summer, we had kept quiet for nearly two years. We finally told our story because OSD had been spinning a false narrative and we had had enough. After sharing the ugly truth, not one really had anything to say about the truths revealed. Not a shred of empathy. Not a shred of compassion. In fact, two of the three important women in DH's life say it's my fault because I won't just sweep it under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, and move on. I told DH that I do not understand how anyone with a heartbeat could react in this way. I also told DH that they did not show up for him either. (He, who has been there for them all. In return, when he needed them, it was crickets. I am disgusted by this.) We certainly were not expecting them to jump in and fix things, because OSD is the only one who can, but to at least have some empathy and understanding of what we have gone through. Their masks are off as far as I am concerned, but they continue to wear them like nothing ever happened. I find them so ingenuine and have no desire to be around their pretense that they have the perfect family. I am not sure what is worse, wearing the mask after all is revealed so they can just play make believe or them openly talking behind my back like they did in your situation, DENIP? I do know they talk behind my back...because that is what they do. They just do it quietly. Their lack of action and feeling shows just how sick they are. Hence, scapegoating me. I see it clearly for what it is. This is why I attempt compassion.
I honestly do now know how one heals from this? I have eliminated them from my life as much as possible and am cordial when I encounter them. I like to think that there are lessons to be learned, I am just not there yet. I want to be there. What is your method for healing and avoiding bitterness?
The path of the wise...
...is not an easy one, but it is the only way to go.
I relate to you so much in this and struggle in the same ways. I'm grateful for the exposure of what had been hidden so that I know who these people really are, but it's bittersweet. My view of them has changed, and rightfully so. It is incredibly challenging to engage in any way or even just being in their presence knowing they are untrustworthy, unwise, immature, and disingenuous. When people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM. Being paralleled with a toxic family dynamic like this challenges you to the core. But, knowing what we now know, how do we move forward in a HEALTHY way?
I'm still navigating these waters, my friend, but I will share with you what has been keeping me moving where I need to be.
I am a woman of faith/Christian. I've learned that often what I can not control, I need to surrender. I pray for my enemies and bless them [not curse them]; for those who spitefully use me, and curse me. Why? Because, it is tough to develop bitterness about people you pray for. Doing so invites GOD'S peace in to where there is chaos, and it guards your heart and your mind. As many times as you need to surrender the hurt and offense, do it. Keep laying it down, why? Well, besides what I've already mentioned, GOD moves on our behalf. He will handle those who treat you ill heartedly in His perfect way, in His perfect time. Reaping and sowing are always in effect. As we trust GOD to intervene, He heals us and strengthens from within.
These folks in our lives are bound and blinded. We do not need to match their character flaws and jacked-up hearts. We level-up. We keep our boundaries, but we also maintain our integrity and accept that they are in a very toxic, unhealthy place and they actually really need intervention. It's sad. Pity them. Truly it must be a horrid thing to be them and all that it invites. There can be no peace from within or from without in that kind of person. Yes, we have our "crosses to bear" but we have hope, a clear conscience, right perspective, a healthy mindset, and blessings that come with it all.
Opposition is necessary to our own development. That's why we have to "work it out," talk about it, and keep it all in the proper perspective. We will have our moments, but we are on our way to greater things. Situations like this force us to look at ourselves to see were we can improve in how we handle unlovely, difficult, foolish people. We can't change them, but we can change how we see it all. It's not happening TO us, but FOR us. Flip it around. I'll leave you with this...
A donkey fell into a well. Those who didn't like the donkey wanted to bury it for good, so they began shoveling dirt onto it.
But, what they didn't realize was that as they were casting dirt to hurt it, it actually became the very thing that elevated that donkey to a level it was able to escape. The donkey kept stepping on the dirt, rising above it and he was able to be freed from what it's haters intended to be its grave.
Keep pressing forward.
What a weaselly asshat you are married to.
You should have ripped his head off and shit in his lungs in front of everyone. IMHO you also should have refused to sit at the table with SIL and SD and forced MIL to give up her seat at the main table and had her sit with your DH, SIL, and the toxic spawn.
Grrrrrr!
It is good that you stayed. Next time be confident, radiant, and full frontal in their faces living your best life. Make sure that DH gets the message that his manipulations are done and if ever does it again you will rip out his eyes and piss on his brain in front of everyone.
Figuratively of course
I definitely had a talk...
... with DH about it. He said he would never do that again, which is good.
It was completely insensitive and I even wondered what made him think it was OK in the first place. I, of course, forgive him for it. I wonder if he is seeing things as I am seeing them. I believe he wants peace between us all and I am all for that - HOWEVER, it's not going to happen by manipulation and wishful thinking. I made sure to remind him that I hate the way things are, that I wish we all could just move forward without the drama, but SD has created this entire p**p show. SD is the one who has made things weird. If SD would've owned her offenses in the beginning, we wouldn't still be here (a year on Jan. 5) dealing with the aftermath. Instead, she "kicked/screamed," deflected, disrespected, blamed, and minimized. She was very disrespectful towards me, even in texts to her father. Parts of his family have not made things easy by spreading lies and gossip, which hurt because it came from those I would have never expected. They blamed me btw. This whole thing is "my fault" somehow, when it was DH that told her to leave. It was DH who doled-out the consequences leading up to the ultimate one. It was DH who mostly spoke to her, warning her, etc. So, because I caught her disrespecting our home for the last time and reported it to DH, I'm the "bad-gal," the "villain," a.k.a "evil step-mom." It's literal insanity.
My thing is, I don't know or even trust that SD is ready to have an adult conversation and seek forgiveness. I told DH that in a year, how much real work and self-reflection has she done? I don't want to waste my time on anything disingenuous. I refuse to repeat 2024. I am done.
Hmm? Time for "Show me don't tell me."
He said he would never do that again
I highly suspect that with past behavior being the best predictor of current and future behavior that this is just lip service and little more than him weaseling to avoid having you kick him in his manipulative ass.
Your commitment to mitigate and forgive his manipulation and pit bull jaw lock on blaming SD I think does you a ton of self harm. SD is not the one who weaseled and manipulated to get your to MILs for the humiliate DENIP holiday meal. That is the partner who is to have your back and defend your life together as his hill to die on. He has no spine for the work and is severely lacking in character and honor. He is far more interested in fawning over his failed family progeny and his toxic sister than he is in actually being your equity life partner. As indiated by his behavior.
Do not cheapen yourself for any of them. Make their transgressions so brutally ass bareingly publicly humiliating and unpleasant that they will cringe into a quivering ball of effluent ectoplasm in a dark corner than play their games.
Never ending second chances solve nothing. Forgiving the unforgivable solves nothing. Far too many of us in blended family relationships sacrifice ourselves for a gene pool that is not worthy of sacrifice or even to be tolerated.
Take care of you.
I've come to the conclusion..
I've come to the conclusion....
... people are going to be who they are. I want to maintain and protect the integrity of my character as well as maintain safe boundaries. What they say and do is a reflection of who they really are. How I respond is a reflection of who I really am. I have low expectations from most of his family now, but I keep self-expectations high. This is not an easy task with the many ways toxic people test and provoke you.
I mentioned to DH not to approach SD anymore regarding an apology. The only reason I stated she could come here to do so, is because he expressed to me on NYE that she wasn't sure how to approach me and was trying to "muster up the courage" to do so. I also mentioned that I don't "need" an apology, but if one is coming, it better be genuine or I will sniff it out and cut it off.
Time does not equal an apology.
Time does not equal healing and restoration.
Mutual effort does.
Honestly, I do not believe SD has truly changed [in a year] and repented in her heart. I can not overlook this offense without a genuine, concerted effort from SD, to change.
To me, by her saying she is trying to "muster up the courage" I feel there's some manipulation there to control DH as if he can make it easier for her. I don't want to make it extreme for a genuine apology, however, there are hard feelings. DH told her there isn't any. He misunderstood me when I told him she could sit on the other side of him at church when she comes, and when I said that this is not what I truly want and wish this could've been dealt with much sooner. But, it doesn't mean I am hunky dory over here. I've been singled-out with a target on my back by her and those certain family members. I know they are all about family but they also have a very bad habit of gossiping that has lasted for years. They have played the "push-pull" game sign me and I am sick of it. I just wish I could say, "I SEE YOU AND I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE!"
I don't have much to say to the skid, tbh. She's not teachable at this juncture. I don't desire a relationship with someone who thinks so little of me in a way that could never equal to a genuine, loving, reciprocal, respectful relationship. I do not trust her at all...I mean ZILCH.
The damage is vast. The time she allowed to go by (1 year in 3 days) without ownership has caused the most damage. Her pride has caused this relationship to completely rot. It's very sad to me, most than anything.
Protecting yourself is a duty you owe... you.
Tolerance for those to damage you, is counter that that duty to yourself.
You can be a person of honor, integrity, and kindness. That does not mean tolerating those who are not those things or that assault your bliss. Being kind to this types is counter to protecting you.
IMHO of course.