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Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 2:58pm

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

What could your DH and SKs do differently? What things could they do that would make this forum unncessary?

For me, as an adult SD, it seems kind of obvious:

-treat SM respectfully (being respectful ot people I don't care for has always made me feel good and like I am growing as a person).
-get counseling
-exercise to burn off stress
-develop a support group of loved ones the SKs can vent with/to
-Just cut Dad and SM out of their lives if it truly is too hard to handle
-write in a diary about it and just let loose
-treat SM how you want Dad to treat your BF/DH/SO/FDH
-Realizing that not loving, liking or not caring about SM doesn't give you a free pass to treat her like crap and be disrespectful to her

My stepmother tried to PAS me against my mom, called me names I will not repeat here and bashed my mom and I to the world when she knew I was in earshot. But I came to the conclusion years ago that I was going to have to TREAT her respectfully to see my dad more. So I could continue to pursue shared interests I had with him.

And then there are people who we may not care for even if they've never done anything to us. They may have ideas, ideals, moral compasses and lifestyles that differ from ours. SM and SK could have all of those things going on. That doesn't give anyone a free pass to treat the other party like crap unless the other party thinks it's ok to abuse animals & kids and/or abuse an adult, murder someone, etc. And if that's the case, the authorities should be alerted and the SK/SM should cut the opposing party out of their lives.

In short, maybe less people would need to be here if everyone just TREATED everyone else with the basic respect we are all entitled to.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 3:07pm

This is a great topic.

Let's see:

1. If DH and BM would've raised stepdevil14 the RIGHT way instead of allowing her to have adult status and rule them for 11 years

2. If when DH and BM split, they never would've told SD that they'd remain friends, not date until she was over 18, allow her to control them

3. When DH was living in his bachelor pad, that he didn't elevate SD to "mini wife" status allowing her to dictate everything from what color towels in the bathroom to whom he could date and when

4. When SD was finally "put in her rightful place" that DH didn't feel guilty every time he had to actually discipline her or tell her no, causing her to run to mommy, who allowed her to continue behaving badly without consequences

5. BM didn't PAS the living shit out of SD, causing her to basically hate DH and I

6. DH would've caught on MUCH earlier that SD was lying to her therapist about damn near everything for sympathy and attention

7. BM didn't believe SD's bullshit stories and lies about DH and I

8. DH would've put his foot down with the both of them MUCH sooner

There's more but I have to go back to work.

Love this topic though and I'm looking forward to reading other responses!

doll faced sm's picture

Submitted by doll faced sm on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 3:10pm

Actually, I'm here because I like this place. I joined looking for support and advice for how to deal with my ss, who is special needs, because he is bigger than me, stronger than me, and prone to melt downs. But BM doesn't let DH see ss ever. However, I've stayed because of the people here. I'm not terribly personable, so I haven't made any close friendships from the site. None the less, I really like the community. I suppose at this point I could move on to an In-law venting site, but nah.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 3:52pm

Thank you Smile And like I said before, some people may be decent people but just never care for each other or "warm up to each other" but if that's the case in a stepfamily situation, the person feeling that way needs to find outlets like exercise, counseling, venting with/to friends, etc. And if it truly is too much for an adult SK to handle, just walk away from the situation and people, at least temporarily.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 3:26pm

I am here strictly because BM is a whackadoo. Now that she is mostly a non-issue, I stay because of the (possibly misguided) belief that my situation may be a learning experience for someone else.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Submitted by Newimprvmodel on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 4:10pm

I came here because I really do not have friends or family who have dealt with these step issues.
I now realize that dh's daughters and his ex are too damn toxic and despicable to ever let in the door again. This site has opened my eyes and given me the fortitude to say no. I know realize that dh is an enabler and although he has gotten much better, the dynamics of their relationships likely never will change and I can not be in the midst of that drama. That seems to be played out over and over again here.
I do not have it bad right now. Yes we have to pay thousands for his one remaining daughter still collecting "child" support, but I have not laid eyes on them in over 3 years. That was a big mistake......because removing themselves for that long.....the welcome mat has long since been taken in and the door is tightly shut! Life has gone on just swimmingly without such vitriol and I am not going there again. Yes I realize they will pop up at large family gatherings but who cares?
So I thank you ladies....and man up too. You guys rock!!!

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 5:40pm

I wouldnt be here if my ssstb15 was at least semi-normal. I would add that if dh and bm had parented better, if I disegnaged earlier, blah, blah, blah-but I still dont actually think that would make ss15 seminormal. I really don't. Might have made the ride a bit more pleasant or bearable, but the kid still would be a budding psychopath, IMO.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 8:04pm

If it weren't for this site I would still be abused by SD and DH. The people on this site helped to give me the courage to stand up for myself and not back down. Because of you I stopped allowing DH to say I was over-reacting or making things up. Because of you I put a stop to SD making vague, unsubstantiated accusations of my treatment of her. Because of you SD will NOT set foot in my home until DH finds the courage to set her straight. Because of you I will never just smile when someone is putting me down or abusing me, I will call them on it. Because of you all, I do not try to repair or remain in toxic relationships. Because of you I believe in my heart that I deserve to be respected in my own home. Thank you SO very much!

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Tue, 04/09/2013 - 8:50pm

I'm sorry, Anon. I really didn't answer your question. What could SD and DH do differently so this site would be unnecessary? I think DH held the key. If he would have presented our marriage as his top priority to his daughter, and insisted on mutual respect. If he had not placed his daughter's needs before mine. If he had believed me instead of taking a few moment to see how obsurd SD's lies about me were. If he had supported me when he found I was telling the truth. If he had charished me enough to not threaten to leave and stop playing games.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 8:30pm

YOur post would be my words exactly! Thank you for writing them. I am tired LOL.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Wed, 04/10/2013 - 7:10pm

I agree that if everyone just treated everyone else with the same respect they expect to receive, I never would have found this site. If SIL wasn't so immature, spiteful and nasty (ditto for eldest sd)

Towanda's picture

Submitted by Towanda on Thu, 04/11/2013 - 3:50pm

I wouldn't be here either if my SD's would act like my sons and Step son do. They treat my DH with respect. They are happy mom found someone and would not have to be alone growing old. They have been through hell and back too. They too lost their parent. No excuse.
No one is trying to hurt them, want only the best for them and broke their necks to make this the warmest, welcoming, no judging family possible.
People were also allowed their own space and every chance to spread their wings.
Their spouses were also respected and welcomed. Trust me, I wouldn't have picked either one of my son in laws as spouses for the girls but that is my little secret. I ended up loving them too.
Everyone of my steps were adults when I married DH. They had lives of their own.

Guess DH was supposed to just sit at home by himself and never ever do anything again for the next 30 years. He had already done that 13 years before he dated me.

WSM wants peace's picture

Submitted by WSM wants peace on Fri, 04/12/2013 - 9:44am

Ditto Towanda, we are married to the same man and have a very similar story. I remember after DH told skids that he was dating (me), he said "I guess they want me to stay in the basement for the rest of my life." I felt so badly for him. My children were happy that I'd found happiness and extremely accepting of him.

Once upon a time the SD told me her mom would be happy that DH found someone (me). Several years later, after becoming engaged, her tune took a 180 and only got worse after we married.

It's just so sad that it's this way, it doesn't have to be.

momto3's picture

Submitted by momto3 on Fri, 04/12/2013 - 7:13am

I wouldn't be here if...

1. DH hadn't married a psycho, hateful, resentful witch the second time & wasn't stupid enough to let the troll not only get pregnant once, but twice.
2. DH & both BM's had raised well-adjusted, respectful children.
3. DH was a more hands-on father who was consistent with all things that dealt with SD's.