Are My Feelings Normal? Help!
Hi, I've never posted on a forum before so please bear with me because I'm likly to waffle on a bit!My parter and I have been together for nearly 3 years. He has a 3 year old son from a previous brief (3 months) relationship. The child was not planned. They split up and 2 weeks later she rang to say she was pregnant and keeping the baby. He of course was devastated and feeling as though his life was over. Anyway, the child was born and 6 months later me and my partner got together. So the child has never known his parents to be together. He is a wonderfull little boy, very intelligent and polite and well behaved. He lives full time with his mother but he stays at our house every other saturday night, and we have him every Tuesday and every Sunday. (Tuesdays and Sundays are the only days my partner has free from work.) I have never had any problems with having a relationship with the son, it's my feelings I struggle with. I feel very resentful towards my partners son. I don't have any maternal feelings towards him at all. I care a lot for him but don't 'love' him as if he were my own. I have never really had any contact with children so I find it difficult. I find it even harder as I so desparately want a child of my own, but I feel as though I have to pass this test first, as my partner won't commit to having a baby until I show him that I can be a good mother to his son! This drives me mad. He is not MY son so I cannot treat him as though he is. The mother of the child makes our lives very hard (as Im sure is the case for many other in my situation), at first she wouldnt let my partner see his son at all. We went through solicitors and mediation to finally come up with the agreement I mentioned above. She now wants us to have him more and more - In her own words she 'want's her life back'. It's causing constant tension and arguments with me and my partner. I feel horrible to say this, but I don't want his son there any more often than he already is. I dread the weekends when he comes to stay because I feel like I'm constanly battling my feelings. I hate the way my partner spolis his son rotten, and lets him have whatever he wants (for example, if we go in a shop, he always buys his son pretty much whatever he asks for). I understand that he wants his son to look forward to coming to stay but he needs to draw the line somewhere. Its a very frustrating situation. I feel like we can never have a 'normal' family and it breaks my heart. I love him so much and I do see us having a future together, I just need to find a way to deal with my selfish feelings of resentment. I wish I could look forward to having his son to stay, but like I said, I hate it, and I dread it. It sounds selfish but I want some time with my partner to spend as a couple. He is either at work or has his kid. We never get a day to oursleves. I hate the fact that we have to ask permission from his ex if we want make any plans for anything.
I'm not a bad person, but I do feel like I am because of the way I feel. I hope I'm not the only person out there who feels like this. If theres anyone out there who could offer some advise, or just give me comfort in letting me know I'm not the only person who has these feelings, I would be forever gratfull for you help. x
Let me tell you from
Let me tell you from experience (having no kids and dealing with 2 from DH) it only gets harder as they grow up. Once they figure out that they can get away with murder and get everything they want. I think it's very insensitive of ur partner. I've been married 1 yr and decided I needed therapy. I should have done that BEFORE i ever got married. So this is my advise to you: go to therapy and take ur partner, it's unfair for him to ask you to care for HIS son as you would your own. Nobody gets that its not the same until you are in our shoes. Good luck!
You sound just like I did
You sound just like I did about 2 yrs ago. I felt bad for my feelings, felt like I was the one in the wrong, I WASN'T. Your feelings are valid. You are a woman who wants to be in a relationship that revolves around the relationship, not a kid, and that is normal. Your feelings are not selfish. You said, " my partner won't commit to having a baby until I show him that I can be a good mother to his son! This drives me mad. He is not MY son so I cannot treat him as though he is." All I can say to that is WTH!!! He is withholding a child from you until you mother another woman's son? That is messed up on a whole other level and YOU SHOULD NOT FOR ONE SECOND THINK THIS IS OK.
I do not advocate having a child with this man, I do not advocate staying with this man. Don't take that personal. I am new here, but I have made my mind up to warn anyone on here, that is not already married, to not get married to the man that brought them to this site. It just wont get better...and you will end up like the rest of us on here and it ain't pretty. You will never love his son like your own, or at all really, unless you are one of the rare women that can. I'm not one, and for him to expect this of you, is selfish and stupid. He has no clue what it is like to be in your shoes.
You said, "I feel horrible to say this, but I don't want his son there any more often than he already is. I dread the weekends when he comes to stay because I feel like I'm constanly battling my feelings. I hate the way my partner spoils his son rotten, and lets him have whatever he wants (for example, if we go in a shop, he always buys his son pretty much whatever he asks for). This was me two years ago, I felt like I was a horrible person for feeling like I did, and I felt just like you described. I did not want him there at all let alone extra time, I dread the day he came back from BM's, I hated DH for the way he spoild skid, and now, it is 100x worse and my life has gotten 100x worse because of it. You should not feel horrible. Do not beat yourself up. I did that for way too long.
If you feel like this, really really really ask yourself, no matter what kind of future you "see" yourself having with him, ask yourself if you can continue on like this and ask yourself if the future you "see" is even remotely close to the reality of wht you already life. You will in no way be able to make the future you "see" if it is already the way you describe. I am not trying to be harsh, I am just REALLY trying to help a person that reminds me so much of who I used to be. I would not wish this current self that I find myself as upon anyone.
You said, "He is either at work or has his kid. We never get a day to oursleves. I hate the fact that we have to ask permission from his ex if we want make any plans for anything." This was exactly how it was for us as well, once we moved in together. DH was either working or his life revolved around skid and if I wanted any time with DH I had to go along with whatever he was doing with skid. It was NEVER about us and I was made to feel horrible by DH if I even slightly hinted that I would like to do something as a couple. I too felt like any adult time was dictated on whether or not BM would switch days, and that very rarely happened. I was too nice, too much of a pushover, too worried about keeping DH happy and I sacrificed my own voice, my own happiness, and I regret it so much.