Are my Feelings Normal?? Help!
Hi, I've never posted on a forum before so please bear with me because I'm likly to waffle on a bit!My parter and I have been together for nearly 3 years. He has a 3 year old son from a previous brief (3 months) relationship. The child was not planned. They split up and 2 weeks later she rang to say she was pregnant and keeping the baby. He of course was devastated and feeling as though his life was over. Anyway, the child was born and 6 months later me and my partner got together. So the child has never known his parents to be together. He is a wonderfull little boy, very intelligent and polite and well behaved. He lives full time with his mother but he stays at our house every other saturday night, and we have him every Tuesday and every Sunday. (Tuesdays and Sundays are the only days my partner has free from work.) I have never had any problems with having a relationship with the son, it's my feelings I struggle with. I feel very resentful towards my partners son. I don't have any maternal feelings towards him at all. I care a lot for him but don't 'love' him as if he were my own. I have never really had any contact with children so I find it difficult. I find it even harder as I so desparately want a child of my own, but I feel as though I have to pass this test first, as my partner won't commit to having a baby until I show him that I can be a good mother to his son! This drives me mad. He is not MY son so I cannot treat him as though he is. The mother of the child makes our lives very hard (as Im sure is the case for many other in my situation), at first she wouldnt let my partner see his son at all. We went through solicitors and mediation to finally come up with the agreement I mentioned above. She now wants us to have him more and more - In her own words she 'want's her life back'. It's causing constant tension and arguments with me and my partner. I feel horrible to say this, but I don't want his son there any more often than he already is. I dread the weekends when he comes to stay because I feel like I'm constanly battling my feelings. I hate the way my partner spolis his son rotten, and lets him have whatever he wants (for example, if we go in a shop, he always buys his son pretty much whatever he asks for). I understand that he wants his son to look forward to coming to stay but he needs to draw the line somewhere. Its a very frustrating situation. I feel like we can never have a 'normal' family and it breaks my heart. I love him so much and I do see us having a future together, I just need to find a way to deal with my selfish feelings of resentment. I wish I could look forward to having his son to stay, but like I said, I hate it, and I dread it. It sounds selfish but I want some time with my partner to spend as a couple. He is either at work or has his kid. We never get a day to oursleves. I hate the fact that we have to ask permission from his ex if we want make any plans for anything.
I'm not a bad person, but I do feel like I am because of the way I feel. I hope I'm not the only person out there who feels like this. If theres anyone out there who could offer some advise, or just give me comfort in letting me know I'm not the only person who has these feelings, I would be forever gratfull for you help. x
You're definitely not a bad
You're definitely not a bad person. I know exactly where you're coming from and I share some of the same feelings. It's hard for a parent to understand that as a step parent, we will never have that same biological bond with their children that they do. Even if we grow to care for, or even feel "love" for their child, it will never be the same.
It's also difficult when the parent spoils their children and constantly give them everything they want on a silver platter. I've had to deal with that for five years. I know that often times I feel like I'm somewhat neglected because we're always having to spend extra or do extra for the kids.
So you're definitely not alone, and you shouldn't feel like a bad person. My advice would be to have a sit down heart to heart with your partner, and tell him in the nicest way possible how you feel. Perhaps you could figure out a schedule so that it will be easier on the both of you.
Hi as123. Thank you so much
Hi as123. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. I feel a million times better knowing I'm not the only person who struggles with this. I've never had anyone to talk to before who shares my feelings and has to deal with a similar situation.
I don't think my partner understands why I don't love or care for his child in the way he does. I think he expects me to treat him as my own. He often says that when the boy is with us that I should be playing the role of 'mother', and I think he thinks I should have the same feelings that a mother would have. But thats obviously never going to happen. And I too feel neglected at the weekends when his son is there. I feel like a spare part a lot of the time, like its 'them' and 'me' if that makes sense.
We did sit down and had a HUGE chat on Tuesday which was great, as it didn't happen off the back of an arguament for a change! I'm hoping we have done a good job of getting inside each other heads a bit more. And I hope he can now try to undestand that I'm not going to be able to see things in the same way that he does.
It's now a countdown to the weekend when we have the child on Sunday for the day. I hope things will be better this week following on from our chat.
Thank again for your reply. It means a lot x
Wow, your situation sounds a
Wow, your situation sounds a lot like what I went thru w/ fdh when we first started dating. Once we bought a home though I put my foot down and explained to him that we're sharing finances now and him buying fss4 something everytime we went somewhere wasn't okay nor was it healthy because he was going to create a monster. FDh admitted that he too was trying to "buy" fss love and I explained to him that's not cool, he needs to parent his son not be his bff.
That's not cool for you bf to expect you mother this child before he is willing to have a baby with you. I care for my fss but I've told fdh pointe blank, "he is your son, I do not love him the way you do, nor will i ever. I will help you with him as your partner but don't ever EXPECT me to do anything because then I will grow resentful." He was angry at first but finally he understood where i was coming from. I printed SO many things out from this site that related to our situation and it helped SO much.
You're NOT a bad person, these feelings are VERY normal. Good luck!!
Pm if you ever need someone to talk to as I know this is a difficult situation.
HI msg1986. Thank you for
HI msg1986. Thank you for your reply, and thank you for taking the time to read my post
I feel very much the same on the finacial front. We are also now sharing finances and struggling to pay the rent, let alone anything else. And I have tried to explain the same thing to my partner - that he will turn that child into a spoilt little monster if he keeps giving him everything he wants! He doesn't seem to get it. He thinks he is just 'treating' him, he can't seem to see the problem with it! He is very much the same in the 'best friend' way. He acts more like a friend than a father, and in some ways I think he is being walked all over by his son (even though he's only 3!).
We had a big chat at the beginning of the week and I'm hoping I have got through to him a bit more, and I am hopefull that he will now be able to look at a situation and respect the fact that I'm not going to feel the same way about it as him.
I still feel like I have this huge test to overcome before we can have a family of our own, and I really don't think he can understand the way that feels. He says I don't have a 'test' to pass, but when he says I cant have a baby until I treat his son like my own, thats pretty much a test in my eyes! I feel so envious of couples with no children at all, that can decide they want a baby and just get on with it without all these hurdles and drama to overcome first!
I might have to do the same as you and give him some stuff printed off from here as so far I have found so much helpful information and advice. I did tell him I'd joined here, thinking he would be angry with me for discussing our problems, but he was actually really happy I'd done it, as now I can finally talk to people who understand me, and that alone, Is a huge weight off my shoulders! x
Your partner's expectations
Your partner's expectations are simply not realistic. And he seems to be trying to control your feelings, dangling a carrot in front of you: "If you love my baby like your own maybe I can give you one, too."
Either he is COMPLETELY clueless or he's an a**hole.
The child is HIS kid, and there IS a mother in the picture. You don't have to be his mother, and even if you wanted to be, you are not.
And he needs to step up and be a real father, not a friend. The kid can have hundreds of friends in life, but he is the one dad. He is supposed to do HIS JOB as a dad and parent HIS OWN kid, not sit back and expect it from YOU.
Your feelings are normal and healthy. You treat the child well and that's all your "role" requires.
He is the parent. He is supposed to parent, and not try to blackmail you into doing it.
Hi noway70, thanks for your
Hi noway70, thanks for your reply.
You have pretty much described word for word what I've been trying to drum into him! I think 'clueless' is probably the best word for him! He is a really good kind person, but I think he is a bit clueless in the father department! He is too much of a friend to the child and not enough of the authority figure and father that he needs to be. I suppose it doesn't help that the mother doesn't give him any say in ANY decisions regarding the child. He doesn't get a say in schools or anything like that, it's all her choices. She doesn't let him have a say. I think she is very strict and he thinks that he should be the 'cool' parent. But in my eyes that isn't how it should be. He needs to be a father!!!!
I'm so glad that people actually agree with me! I was starting to feel like I was going crazy!
x
ClareMichelle, after reading
ClareMichelle, after reading all of your replies to posts I really have to ask: Are we the same person posting from alternate universes? The similarities are pretty crazy.
Haha! I've actually been
Haha! I've actually been really surprised by how many people seem to be in such a similar situation! I really felt so alone like I was a horrible crazy woman!
It's PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE
It's PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE mate! I am an Australian step mum to 5. I have just turned 40 and I resent how my life has been taken over too - and to the point that I can't even find the energy to have a child of my own. What is worse is that the bio Mother wants to give us full custody of the youngest boy with problem behaviours. I must have done something wrong in this life or the last! If that happens then I will have no freedom at all and I don't think I will stick around as much (ie I will go see MY family on the other side of the country more often.) What I found was that every time I looked at these kids with resentment, I thought of the movie "Groundhog Day" and I realised that these kids need LOVE like we all do. The ONLY way I could see was right was to suck it up and make the best of it because any other attitude lead to feeling worse. Now I try really hard to enjoy our time together - but yes, I OFTEN am at odds with their Dad as to how relaxed he is with the parenting role ie TOO MUCH OF A FRIEND!!! Good luck and just remember the little one's innocence when you're feeling bad in all this
Hi! I know this post is
Hi!
I know this post is pretty old now, but I've just come across it - and you sound so much like me! How are things going now? Has there been any improvement? x