Bio free a unique hell
I am a step dad of 10+ years and have no bio kids of my own and never will . I live in a suburban area. We have 1 SD in her teen and no other kids. The SD's father is not in her life. My wife is always saying we need to split everything 50/50 and constantly asks me what I sacrificed of the marriage. It is not socially acceptable for me to mention that I am a step parent.
Everyone socially talks about how good there kids are my wife joins in in this conversation. My mother wants to make most of our conversations about the skid and is so happy that she has she has an skid. The skid is her only grandchild so she spoils her and neglects my relationship with her. When I go to the inlaws all of my wifes 4 siblings have several kids ranging from 5-15 so all the convo is all about the kids. At work all of the parents want to talk about the kids/grandkids and all of the singles want to talk about dating so I feel like I have no one at work to relate with.
My wife is constantly telling me that I need to treat the skid like a roommate/adult. However the truth of the matter is that if I had a roommate that I get along with as little as I do the skid I would have moved out a long time ago. My wife loves the house we bought together. I hate it. I hate living in the suburbs. The only reason I moved out of the city was due to the skid. However it is not appropriate to say that I bought a house for the skid.
When I was dating my now wife I was very apprehensive about dating someone with a kid. However lots of my friends told me that I was being selfish and it was rude to dump someone you cared about because they had a kid. The interesting things are that most of the people who told me that are really no longer in my social circle.
I just want to know if I am alone in felling that being bio free but having skids is something that society just does not know how to handle?
do you love your wife.....
do you love your wife..... yes, suck it up... no then leave
couple of things, I'm a real b!tch : I will not contribute 50/50 - not my kid and sure as hell not my problem.
My answer to what have I sacrificed for the marriage - my freedom.. cause IMHO you do not sacrifice anything when getting married if you have to it's just not meant to be... you can say I moved out of the city and that's enough, what did you sacrifice dear wife???
Now you are an adult man.. and jealous of your mother's relationship with a skid? something wrong here... you mother does not have to spoil you dear, you have to spoil her... and leave her alone if she spoils the skid... grow up... you are an adult.
Treat she skid as an adult or room mate - fine, not as an adult cause skid is not an adult, and yes to room mate this means the room mate needs to pay for accommodation... 33.33% of all cost, or the room mate moves out...
"I won't make further
"I won't make further sacrifices to live among unclean, entitled and self centered young men I didn't raise, and I sure AS HELL am not going to contribute financially to a situation where capable young adults are prolonging their childhood with the full support of their father."
You and I are living the same life. I 10000% agree.
My comment was not really
My comment was not really about the relationship with my wife and/or mother. My comment was more of that I do not seem to have any social support for being a step parent with out any kids of my own. At least in the social circle that I travel in ( there are no step parents period) all seem to think that I should have the same emotional tie to the skid as they all have to their kids and if I ever say anything that is not totally put the kid first above all else then I am a bad person. This lack of support is leading to depression on my part. I do love my wife, but having no social support is very tough.
Wow! I can highly relate to
Wow! I can highly relate to this.
This is an odd, somewhat long story of how I finally came to realize how non step-parents just don't get it. About 2 1/2 years ago, I attended a major family event with my husband where I was completely shunned by all, including my own DH. I was completely shocked! I went online looking for support (a general advice website, not step-related), and was further shocked at how no one seemed to agree with me and some even made it look like I was the butt. I was very confused and started to get depressed over it (and there were other negative things going on in my life at that time too).
About a year later, I went to a psychic. She was telling me this and this, usual psychic stuff. BUT, the one thing I'm thankful for was that she was a step-mother, and she pointed out to me that what went down that day she would not have put up with, and this is all it took to get the ball rolling for me, and doing research and finding this site, and eventually seeing a counselor to work this issue out (along with other issues). By the way, pretty much nothing the psychic told me came true, but it was still worth the money I paid her, because at that time she was just what I needed--validation for my feelings and acknowledgement that my instincts were correct--what went on that day was not right. Fortunately, I got a good counselor too, because the counselor went on to further validate my feelings. I just went alone, but I did select a M&F counselor in case I felt the need to bring my DH into it.
Your SD is not a "teen".
Your SD is not a "teen". She's a grown *ss adult in her young twenties. She's also not your "roommate", nor is she acting like an adult if she's still living at home sponging off of Mommy and you.
Who are all these socially acceptable and socially appropriate rules makers you speak of? You're making yourself sound all trapped and a victim , with no say in your own life and home. If that's who you are, you are a creature of your own making. All those things and ways you were 'forced' to do? Yeah, all on you. You did what you did to not make waves and remain in the relationship you desired at the time. You can't lay that on your wife, your SD or all those 'rule maker' socially acceptable/appropriate people. Nope. You, sir.
You sound very unhappy with your life and yes, very lonely. Perhaps it's time to review where you are to where you wish to instead be at this point in your life. You're not likely to change other people after you've quietly and willingly went along for the ride for ten plus years. Perhaps some counseling to understand how you got to where you are and where you'd like to go from here, along with some tools in how to make whatever that is happen for you. Individual counseling and then perhaps some marriage counseling to see if your wife and you can make that journey together or not.
I did see an individual
I did see an individual counselor. The individual counselor told me that these days the definition of teen is from 13-27 and that I need to have consideration for the state of the economy. The counselor even said there was a new term for kids in there twenties that are still emotionally in their teens it is called adultolesence. I stopped going after 5 sessions because the counselor refused to acknowledge that we where talking about a step kid and we telling me that I was shirking my parenting responsibilities. Your are correct. I do feel lonely and I feel like I am living in "through the looking glass world"
I cannot believe an educated
I cannot believe an educated person would suggest that a 27 year old is a teenager. I don't care how bad the economy is, they are an adult. I had no idea that people were encouraging Generation Snowflake and making excuses for them.
This counselor was an
This counselor was an A$$hole. Find another one.
I have to ask, tho., if this is true: "new term for kids in their twenties that are still emotionally in their teens it is called adultolesenc." Then, no company should be making anyone under age 30 a supervisor or manager, because it would be basically like letting a 17-year-old control and supervise adults.
On the other hand, I have to admit at my last couple of jobs where young'ns have been bosses, their main means of motivation has been negative reinforcement, as in yelling and even humiliating you in front of others to get their way. They seem to have absolutely no idea of how to calmly explain their opinion when others don't agree with them outright. That would explain a lot--adultoescent bosses.
I'm thinking his wife found
I'm thinking his wife found and selected that one for him :O
You are not alone and I agree
You are not alone and I agree with you. On one hand BioFree Sparents get the "you don't have one of your own so you don't know how spe.....cial having a spawn of your own is" and on the other hand we are expected to be all in on funding the raising of someone else's child(ren) while not having the same parenting rights as the breeder in our life and most infuriating we don't count in comparison to the breeder X that we replaced.
I am fortunate that my experience as a non breeding Sparent is not at all like what I described above. My wife and I are equity life partners and as her equity life partner I insisted on being an equity parent to my SS. He is an only child in our marriage and home. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He is now 24. He asked me to adopt him two years ago. We made that happen.
I suggest that you give your SO and anyone else who needs the message clarity that you will not be marginalized in your marriage either as a life partner or as a parent to any children in your marital home.
My perspective is that no parent should ever put their child(ren) kid above their spouse. The spouse and marriage is the unequivocal priority for both adults in the relationship.
Kids are the tip marital responsibility but never take priority over the spouse or the marriage.
The rare availablility of support for SParents (breeders or not) IRL is why this community and many others exist.
Yes, indeed, we Bio-free are
Yes, indeed, we Bio-free are EXPECTED to feed them, INVEST in them and support the household the Skids exist in and without any appreciation at all. Luckily I have had those talks with SO about being the "equity partner". He is still learning what that means. I am still working on the "marginalization" thing. Every single time there is a question about what can/cannot happen in our household, SO is the one that is asked/argued with. By SD17, SD10, AND his family.
Just recently I glanced at SD17's room, because she has the door taken off, and it looks/smells a mess. Dishes and food. When I had discussed the "not eating in the bedroom" thing, I had THOUGHT we had agreed that as life partners, we were authority-equity partners as well. And yet, he went back on it, allowed food/dishes in the room, and now there is quite a collection sitting in there.
I ask you, is there a way to enforce the equity-partner thing? Are there requirements, for lack of a better expression? (such as money/financials/marriage) What kind of examples can you give in how you approach the kid-raising equity?
For us the equity parent
For us the equity parent thing was more direct than the equity partnership thing is. As an equity parent to my wife in raising our kid (my SS) the philosophy was that we each dealt with kid behavior issues when they occurred. I am not one to tolerate any crap so if I was present and it occurred I dealt with it. If she was there, she dealt with it. If she did not like how I was parenting or disciplining she could step up and get it done before I had to or she could have my back until we could discuss it in private. As the non-bio parent in our blended family adventure, though I never tolerated anything less than equity parent status, when she took the disciplinary lead I let her. If I did not think what she was doing was effective, I took it offline for us to discuss. In front of the kid, I had her back.
The SpermClan and the SpermIdiot had no say in anything to do with our marital home and blended family and that included parenting the Skid. They had visitation and what they did during their visitation was up to them as long as it did not include neglecting or abusing the kid. We brought the wrath of hell down on them when they made the mistake of jeopardizing the wellbeing and best interests of the Skid. In raising the kid and focusing on his best interests his mom and I have always been in total agreement…. For the most part.
Your DH's family has no say in how your home, blended family, or marriage functions and DH needs to shut that crap down pronto. Opinions are fine but interference cannot be tolerated. As for kids/skids, they can express their age appropriate opinions but ... they get no say. When it is all said and done... kids do what they are told when they are told to do it.
We did have the occasional parenting disconnect but not often and not for long. Most of our disconnection instances occurred during SS’s teen boy brain fart years. I survived my period of teen boy brain fart-itis and so did SS. My wife did finally take over the primary disciplinarian role firmly when SS was about 14-15. Much to the Skid’s consternation. He much preferred my direct deal with it and move on perspective to his mom’s never forget and recycle the torturous lecture perspective.
As for equity partnership.. that is a more dynamic situation. However, the foundation was pretty much the same as our equity parenting model. We set reasonable behavioral standards for the Skid and enforced those standards. We did the same for how we interface, partner, and treat each other.
Though we have a notable age difference we were able to begin our marriage at a stage where pretty much all we had was my newly minted engineering degree, two apartments full of college furniture, and two 8-ish year old cars. For the most part we have built everything that we have and everything we have accomplished together. Our model is much the same as the one my parents and to a lesser extent my ILs have built their marriages around. Equity partnership is not about a balance sheet it is about mutual respect, support, dedication, commitment, and navigating moving forward together as a team.
In the 22+ years since we married we have accrued 4 degrees (her dual major BSs and an MBA each), two professional certifications, two reasonably successful careers, and raised the kid to viable self-supporting adulthood. She and our marriage are my priority and I and our marriage are hers.
When he was a minor the kid was our joint top marital responsibility but the marriage remained our uncontested priority.
We make it a point to communicate, communicate, communicate and have two rules we have never failed to comply with. When we are having a tense period no one ever leaves the house when we are in a fight, and we never go to bed without telling each other how much they are loved. It may come with a pummeling with a pillow but it is hard to stay mad and not to laugh when you are in a pillow fight.
As for money/financials/marriage, etc... we make those decisions together. My mom was a SAHM and my dad was the breadwinner in working years of their marriage. They are no less equity partners than if they had both been equity earners. My wife and I follow that same model though we have mostly been a two career marriage. There have been times in our marriage when we each have had the earnings lead though I have fairly consistently been consistently the significantly higher earner. Because of that we have maintained my career as the primary career. Hers is more broadly applicable and she can do her CPA thing just about anywhere. My profession is far less geographically applicable so we have to be more flexible for where we go for my career. That said... I do periodically offer to re-direct my career so we can make hers the primary. So far... she has fallen on the side of maintaining the status quo ... for now.
It works for us.
Thank you Rags - that helps
Thank you Rags - that helps immensely. I only have 3 years into this new "world" and you have 22, what a treasure-trove of experience and knowledge!!!
Trust me, you are not alone
Trust me, you are not alone at all. And, your post speaks volumes to the ridiculously unfair standards placed on step-parents by all who are not step-parents themselves.
You are expected to be all accommodating, and supposed to settle for being lowest on the priority list--behind your spouse, SKs and even your spouse's ex. AND, like you mention above, society seems to support all of this--the idea that the step-parent is to suck it up and take it or take the high road, all for a child they had no part in creating. You, basically, are supposed to be the main one paying the price for someone else's divorce. The family doormat.
Yep, asinine. The only thing I can tell you, is you need to take control of your own life and put up with only what YOU want to, and go to so-called family events ONLY when you want to. My thought is if everyone else is going to put me fourth in their family scenario divorce dynamic, then I'm going to put myself first. And, what DH thinks doesn't matter. Their divorce = their problem. At the end of the day, whatever relationship SKs and their parents have, is on them. The SKs are now adults, so I only get involved with them whenever I feel like it. Otherwise, I hang out with DH and look at it as I'm his wife and that is pretty much my only responsibility.
Hate to say, but even tho. I don't have GSKs yet, I already know the title SGM will never be used w/my name in the same sentence. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Adult SKs will instill their attitude towards me in their own children. No baby shower attending for me. Just a nice card with a gift card from me, if I'm even invited. I'm already trying to prepare myself for this.
Again, take control of YOUR life. If your spouse complains you're not doing enough for her kid, too bad. Her kid = her responsibility. How that affects your marriage = both of yours' responsibility. Try to separate the two as much as possible.
When I read this, one
When I read this, one situation sticks out very clearly in my head.
DH (back when we were just dating) didn't have his driving license. BM didn't have a car, she had to use her mothers. We live 5 hours apart.
SD went to BM's for a 2 week visit. I drove her half-way, meeting BM and BM's mother in the middle (at DH's sisters house). I told them I wouldn't be able to pick her up BEFOREHAND, I told them if they wanted to take her, I would happily meet halfway and they would drive her back. They agreed to this.
Fast forward 2 weeks when it's time for them to return her, BM messages my husband and tells him I must meet her at DH's sisters house halfway. DH told her "no, sunshinex already stated she wouldn't be able to. She's swamped with work and can't leave for a 6 hour drive anytime."
So BM drives SD half-way and drops her off at DH's sisters house. Next thing we know, they're calling and yelling at ME "why didn't you pick SD up? it doesn't matter if BM went back on what you agreed on, SD is supposed to be top priority for you as a stepmom!!!!"
This argument went ON and ON, I told DH deal with your family because this isn't my problem i don't care how SD gets home. He tells them he's sorry BM didn't drive her the full way, but as sunshinex already stated, she can't come and I don't drive. So they bring her home and again, try to yell at me about it in my own house.
Long story short, I left that argument wondering how the hell I had more responsibility to get SD back and forth than EITHER OF HER PARENTS. How the hell could people be so dense to think that it's my problem and not her parents problem??? especially when I actually did more for SD at the time than either of them.
It was ridiculous and it still drives me crazy to this day. I DO NOT have more responsibility and obligation than two bio parents who came together and had a child. That's the only logical way to look at it, but apparently, society sees otherwise.
A variant on this scenario
A variant on this scenario happened to me many times. Bio mom (my DW) and bio dad live about 300 miles from each other. There is an expensive toll road between the 2 of them. Bio dad was a dead beat paid no child support. My DW worked a $12 per hour job no paid vacation. I spent a lot of my vacation time for 3 years doing the entire round trip twice in a weekend myself because neither of them could/would make the trip however bio dad would threaten to sue if we denied visitation. They would make the plans for the weekend and tell me Thursday that they made the plans for me. When I objected and demanded to be part of the negotiation of what weekend the visitation would be both of them ganged up an my saying that I had no rights.
Isn't that crazy? Fortunately
Isn't that crazy? Fortunately DH agreed with me about the whole situation. He was pretty embarressed of his family for blaming me/trying to hold me responsible.
It's just so silly.. I mean, I have two cats, and when they need to go somewhere like the vet or something, I take them! I don't get mad at anybody else in my life for not taking them. That's my job. I just couldn't believe that people were upset with me instead of telling the actual BIO PARENTS to get their shit together and get licenses/cars so they can get their daughter places.
So strange.
The only right a step-parent
The only right a step-parent has with the SKs is to say NO. Use it often and use it well.
DW: "Tom, you have to take little Timmy to his dad's this weekend." Answer: NO. DW: "That's ridiculous. You have to take him!! You don't have the right to say no!" Answer: NO. DW: "I'm calling little Timmy's dad. Let's see what he says." Answer: That's nice. Little Timmy's dad says, "!@#$#$, bring my son over now!!" Answer: NO. Hang up. DW: "Great, now he's going to sue me!" [notice she's the one who gets sued and not you]. Answer: That's nice. What's for supper, anyway?
I have always been of the
I have always been of the mind that as equity life partner to my bride and as an equity parent to any spawn on our home (regardless of kid biology) I have every right I choose to take. I believe that can and should be the case for any SParent who is in a contentious blended family situation.
Not legally of course but that never stopped me from taking and executing every "right" I wanted to have as a (S)parent. For damned sure I was far superior in all aspects of my marriage and as my SKid's parent to the SpermIdiot. If that POS or anyone else in the SpermClan so much as got an inkling that he/they had half a brain or was in any way superior in rights to me I brought the pain to the fullest extent I could manage (legally, financially, socially, etc....) and they learned to never challenge my status without experiencing the pain of that decision. The SpermGrandHag was slower to learn this lesson but eventually the SpermIdiot would beg his mother to stay out of it because he was sick of getting smacked for her crap. Not that she ever stayed out of it for long.
Of course the courts never failed to inform me that I was not a party to the case but that did not prevent me from exerting my status and chosen "rights" very effectively. The key is that my bride and I are always partners in making decisions that effect our marriage and our family and in protecting the Skid's best interests.
Had my wife not recognized me as her equity life partner, an equity parent to the Skid, and far superior to the SpermIdiot/SpermClan in our situation she would not have long remained my wife.
Fortunately that was never an issue for us and we happily remain life partners and mom and dad to the Skid (SS-stb25) who asked me to adopt him two years ago. We made that happen.
I hope your situation improved over the years.
I have never, ever let
I have never, ever let somebody else tell me how I should feel about someone.
I am bio free by choice, my husband knows I don't feel the same about his daughter that he does, and neither he, nor anybody else I know, thinks that I should just because I'm married to him.
Who are these people that think you are a bad person because your wife's daughter does not come first, above all else in your life? Maybe you need new friends.
I have had people (my sisters, actually) disagree with how I handled a couple of situations regarding my husband's daughter but, frankly, I don't care, they don't live my life.
If any of my friends think I'm a bad person for not unconditionally loving my SD, they don't say it out loud.
People who are not step parents, have NO idea how they would feel about someones else's kid intruding on their life and that IS what it amounts to, no matter how much you love that kid's parent.
I had to laugh at this, "I
I had to laugh at this, "I would like to see these know-it-alls try to raise another man or woman's kids with all the responsibility but none of the authority. Often times the bio parents have done such a shit job, the kid is damaged beyond repair before we even meet them. But we are supposed to fall all over ourselves loving on and doing for a disrespectful, nonachieving asshole? Um no thanks."
Maybe a tad harsh, just a tad, but amazingly far more realistic than most would like to realize. And, you've pretty much summed it up nicely in just one sentence too! Yes, there are some SMs who don't have these issues, but then they have supportive DHs AND supportive BMs, a rarity for sure.
Ladyface, I have to commend
Ladyface, I have to commend you on this as well. When my SS21 (then 15) moved in with us "part time" I was hesitant, but how bad can it be? Part time became full time inside a month so too short of a window to tell when I was signing up for.
With Daddy tens of thousands of dollars in debt (to the IRS, to the BM because he paid CS but not through the court system so he basically had to MAKE up 5 years), that kid still had almost every luxury in the universe. It didn't cross my mind for a minute that even though there didn't take a lot to keep a 2/2 apartment tidy, when I suggested that he be responsible for chores they both looked at me like I suggested we throw the family dog into traffic on the freeway. The kid had never done a chore a day in his life and at 15 he certainly wasn't going to start then... and didn't to the day he moved out to go to college (which we also weren't going to pay for until he was debt free and we had a reasonable plan for retirement)... but guess what, we did that, too!
Now I'm a (way-too-bitter) 42yo SM who upon marriage had a nice nest egg, a home I owned, no credit card debt, and a decent spending allowance that had me all set up to retire at a reasonable age. Now because financial decisions (for which I had no say at ALL) were made so that SS could keep up with the Jones' "we" are over $20K in debt and my husband has about $200 in savings for retirement at the age of 49.
I love my husband very much but in hindsight I was crazy. And, that's after YEARS and thousands of dollars in therapy.
There are a few wonderful
There are a few wonderful stories here about success with step kids; but not many! In fact, so few one is shocked when one is posted.
Live for YOU, not the step kid or else you will end up resenting yourself and your spouse.
I learned this lesson myself, as many of us do, the hard way.
The thing with this forum is
The thing with this forum is that it is specifically for folks that are miserable, having issues or problems and need to vent. All the Steps that are having a great time of it do not NEED this kind of thing. So it is a "skewed population" that you are looking at.
We all have good days too, Im sure, special skid moments, but we don't really talk about that here I've noticed.
I live in that place you name
I live in that place you name so eloquently, the "Bio Free Unique Hell", and wow, what an eye-opener for me too. At first I was so happy to have children to be around, to help, to cook meals for, to do things like go to the park, the museum, the beach, to go hiking with and do "family type" things with during holidays, especially Christmas.
THEN the "reality hammer" hit me pretty hard. I got into arguments with SO, because I tried to do too much, be too "parenting". I got my feelings hurt when my efforts went unappreciated. I heard comments like "I was kinda bored when we did that, because my friends weren't with me", or something similar, more times than ONCE.
So I simply stopped. We don't do much family time things anymore, they were mostly at my urging. I don't do special things, or plan special "me and SD10" things anymore. This year we did not do Candy Cane Lane at Christmas, nor the Santa Flyin in a helicopter. Why? Why bother? And guess what. No one noticed and no one complained that we did not do this.
And it is really tough finding folks that would at all understand. Mostly I just hear "don't you want kids?" or "didn't you want your own kids?" because, for a woman, something is very wrong with you if you do NOT have kids of your own.
My own mother, she likes the SOs children, especially the SD17. And I am sort of upset that she does, mainly because SD17 is a lying, thieving, rude, disrespectful person who has said some unforgivable things to me and has no remorse. So that's my thing.
"We don't do much family time
"We don't do much family time things anymore, they were mostly at my urging." Yep, and then when the SKs grow up and become adults, they'll accuse you of hogging all of dad's time, and their counselor will probably agree with them that you were a bad-ass SM who kept their dad all to herself. Sigh! If people only knew how much SM is really responsible for keeping ANY kind of relationship between bio-dad and his kids going. I'm sure you, like me, would practically beg your DH to do things with his kids.
YES, LOL. Hogging his time.
YES, LOL. Hogging his time. We do get the bad rap on THAT. And I would counter, "well gee, Im the one who doesn't whine/ I wine and I don't tell him I love him with my hand out for money/ I tell him I love him every day after going out and making my own money.
The funny thing is that previously I would especially try to include SD17, and he would try to avoid including her. I thought it was odd. I organized trips to local street fairs, a couple of concerts, and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME SD17 would be snotty or mean or rude and ruin everything - typically at the end, before we could turn around and go home. I especially hated when she would call SD10 ugly, stupid or punch her for being too close. That would ruin whichever outing we were on.
THEN, I got a clue, Idvilen. I started sneaking out with SD10. We got caught a few times, but I was NEVER sorry. It was fun and we had some great times. I have taken SD17 out ONCE in almost 3 years, on a shopping trip. I cant take her shopping until she turns 18 (she was caught shoplifting...) but why would I want to at this point?
Now we just stay home and clean or watch movies. Much less expensive.
We used to have so much fun
We used to have so much fun going to festivals, horseback riding, hikes, etc. But now that SD12 has inherited her BM's penchant for sitting on her ass, I'm done.
I am also childfree. I
I am also childfree. I married a man who had three kids by two different women. Why? Because my SO was a rather indifferent weekend father, so the exposure was minimal and enjoyable. Also, I am a COD and had a wonderful relationship with my SD as a kid.
So basically, I was arrogant and ignorant, and willingly bought passage on the Titanic.
Twenty-plus years later, I'm on the other side of that experience, an entirely different person tempered like steel by wars that we aren't even supposed to talk about because if you aren't child centric, your viewpoint isn't valid.
In a country where more than half of all first marriages end in divorce, and where the divorce rate for second marriages is even higher, I find it counterintuitive that step dynamics are still essentially a taboo subject. People are more willing to discuss anal prolapse than explore the challenges of being a stepparent. Why is that? Why do all these stereotypes still exist when they majority of SPs are well-intentioned, caring, and self sacrificing?
I digress. OP, your marriage seems really out of balance, and you sound unhappy and unappreciated. If you want to stay in your marriage, I suggest finding a counselor specializing in blended family issues. You may have to go through several before finding one that is skilled, sane, and open to the male SP perspective. Do some sessions alone, and then if you feel okay with it, include your wife. She needs to be told that you are deeply unhappy. Also, get the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Read it, then have your wife read it.