I don't think you're alone.

My step-kids were not that young, and their mother wasn't that overt about things and neither were we. However they did start realising how things really were when they were about 9 years old. Kids aren't stupid. They started to realise their mum had episodes of craziness, that she was completely inconsiderate of other people's time and plans, and that we operated in a completely different and more normal way. It sounds like its far away, but hopefully it gives you a light at the end of the tunnel.

It might take some intervention from the dad, since he's got the "authority" for him to smooth it out and explain it to her somehow. Hope it helps.

Sometimes I think the BMs put their daughters up to this kind of thing.

My SD11 who has an attitude problem in the first place recently told me that her mom said the trees that me and Dh planted out front looked out of place. I came back with, "All you can do about a person like that is pray for her." Boy did that shut the mini-b*tch down!!!!

Oh my SDs BM used to pull this crap all the time and still does even though they are adults. Thankfully my oldest SD doesn't fall for it anymore. BM used to make oldest SD feel so guilty if she spent anytime with me and would cause oldest SD in her younger years to be so mean to me. But all the time using me for the transportation for her since she had a suspended drivers license or when she couldn't get through to DH BM would call me and talk to me like she loved me, behind my back was another story. I dealt with this for 12 years now!

I think its funny now because oldest SD22 is now such a huge part of DH, myself and her half sister's life now. She comes to us for all advice. She grew up knowing and learning who was the bad person and realizes how much her dad and I did for her. Now BM is stuck living with the SD19 that we are disengaged from due to a long story (read my forums if you wish). I thought it was funny she sent me a text letting me know that DH and I were so right about bad SD19. I laughed. Its about time she deals with what we went through considering she was a part time BM.

Honestly it seems like what BM's do. Our BM is actually being really nice lately but I am just waiting for SS to come over and say something again. You just have to learn BMs are manipulating jerks and their kids are little recorders...

Same here.

When I was first with DH, BM referred to me as a "stranger" "that woman" "little girl" "babysitter" etc. Anything she could think of to downsize my significance and belittle me. It was like that for two years, BM didn't even allow SD's to say my name. I wasn't allowed to be mentioned at all, I was just "HER".

It wasn't until after we got married, 3 years after we got together that SD's even began saying my name. However, I've never been acknowledged as the Stepmom....it's just "Dads Wife" or "*DH's Name* Wife"

ahh the babysitter... Yes Ive been called that a bunch! The kids live with DH and I, and have for 6.5 years, Bm sees them EOWE usually. When they were about 3-4 BM used to tell them this. It as obnoxious. I chalk it up to her insecurities. Now that they are much older, BM just tells them I'm a bitch- she doesn't really hide it anymore. It sucks for the kids- they literally cry to me that their mother says mean things about us and they just love us, and don't want to hear bad things. It truly blows. But all you can do is to continue to be the positive pressence in SDs life, and I of course say things like "im sorry your mom says that to you." and encourage them to talk to her about it.... parents like this piss me off

I've heard similar from SS4, it may not be what the mother has said to her but what the lil girl hears or sees. My SS is lovely but he can come up with odd things you know she has been saying to him. It makes me angry because when he has asked about his mothers boyfriend I am supportive and say he is a nice man etc.
I just hope when he is older he will remember that we never tried to put things in his head

I shudder to think about what BM calls me. The only time SS11 has said anything was when he said "do you know what she calls you?" when I pointed out these life changes were hard on us all.. including her.

He didn't answer that question when I told him not to, but I can imagine..

It's funny.. I've never met her. I find it weird she hasn't insisted upon it, because if it were my kid, I'd like to think i'd want to meet the person who was looking after my child, but she hasn't pushed the issue and I have no desire to be anywhere near her.

My experience is different in that the day where my step children saw the games and lies from their mom and step-dad (I'm step-mom) never came. My grown stepchildren actually believed their story more than when they were kids. Broke my heart.

My Four year old step daughter said something while we were riding in the car tonight. She said jay i I have to tell you something that is not nice. I said okay? She comes out with mommy said she ddoesn't like you. I said "oh that's funny because she doesn't know me.". Her father then got in the convoy and said its not nice to say youdon't like someone especially if you don't know them, you get to know them thentdecide" she then says " well mommy isn't nice"

This was the first time hearing this kind of thing. iI've said hello to her mother everytime iI've seen her and I only once have iI ever said anything against her mother. Once. It was a major thing though. the 4. Year old came to me crying that her mom told her that she doesn't live at my and her fathers house, that this was not her home, that her only home was at her moms. I asked her if she thought our house was her home and she said yes iI have my bed and toys and my room here. I said okay then this is your home, she said so mommy is wrong? I said about this she is.

ive been around for almost 2. Years now. Sd doesntdoesn't even remember a time with her father living in the house with her mom.

widget, iI've never actually had a conversation with BM. I also would want to meet any person who was going to be a large part of mychild's life. Hell I insist on meeting people is SD life too.lol

BM (they were never married) *loves* to try to downplay my significance to their children.

These kids are nearly teenagers and she *hasnt dated anyone* since he broke things off with her a decade ago. Everyone that knows the situation has always said they felt she has always thought she could get him back someday.

I've been in the picture a few years at this point; and when she's not acting like I dont exist, she's calling me "his little girlfriend."

We are engaged. I have always lived with him. I am not going anywhere.

In the end, all she does is reaffirm everyones suspicions that she's still hung up on her Baby Daddy.

I can't imagine having to run into my husband's ex EVERY TIME I go to the grocery store. For once, I'm glad SHE moved away. She is a good 45 minutes to an hour away. No chance of running into her at the store.

I used to be called "the babysitter" but for whatever reason she stopped that and moved on to "that fat bitch"

sigh... it never ends...

for SD14, home is BM's and our house is 'Daaaaaddddddddyyyyyy's'. I'm his wife- been around 5yrs now. Whatever- has stopped bothering me now, but it took years.

I have never said anything remotely negative about her BM in front of her. BM on the other hand has been horrible about me. This kid feels guilty for saying 'hi' to me.

SD is under the impression that she is a child of divorce... yep- she actually said, "Being a child of divorce is hard..." she was 10. My SIL spit coffee when she said it and I had to leave the room. How do you explain a 6 month sex fest that was essentially a ONS? Never married- lived together for 3 minutes. Kid is manipulated and brainwashed- I don't see her ever seeing the light.

My official name is "her'..