Depressed, unappreciated, overworked, lonely, etc.
Am I being selfish? What is it that I want from my wife and my stepdaughter? Do I expect them to stop at every turn and give me a big hug? Do I expect my 15 year old stepdaughter, whose high school existence is riddled with existential angst and body dysmorphia, to anticipate my loneliness and tell me what I need to hear? Of course I don't.
I don't expect it. But that is what I want.
I want it because I see that her biological parents do get to experience these pleasures. Even her father, who seems unavailable all the time and who seems to succumb to the strange demands of his jealous girlfriend, gets that affection that a child would probably only give to a parent.
That is what I want. It would be so easy not to want it if I didn't bleed for this kid. But I do.
My wife loves me. I'm her second favorite person in the world, which is nice. Something tells me I don't even have to write the rest of this paragraph. This is what I'm talking about when I talk about unrequited love. It doesn't fit the standard definition of unrequited love because she married me. But that's exactly what it is. My love for my wife, who is my favorite person in the world, is unrequited. My love for my step-daughter, who is my second favorite person in the world, is unrequited. I'm probably not even her tenth favorite person. I may not even be her twentieth.
I am a 33 year old male who has no biological children. I work over 40 hours per week as an acupuncturist and a good deal of the money I make goes towards supporting the home I share with my wife and stepdaughter. I'd like to get a band going but I don't have the time. I have significantly reduced the hours I spend on personal persuits such as music and friendships. The amount of myself that I devote to my family feels like it would be healthy if I would be viewed as a father in return. I know it's not always hugs and nights under the stars between parents and children. But I also know it is that unconditional love between them that makes all the difficult times (as well as the nondescript "whatever" times) worth it. The amount of myself that I devote to my family often does not feel healthy considering that I am just the stepdad.
I love my wife and I expect to spend my life with her. My stepdaughter is 15 and she is transitioning rapidly from being a child into being a sensative, thoughtful adult. She loves her mother more than anything and their relationship is remarkable. Her biological father is in town and they have a strained yet valid relationship. She currently spends about 1-2 weekends per month with her father and his blended family. He is a strong breadwinner but he seems emotionally unavailable to my stepdaughter. She views him as her dad and me as her stepdad and there is nothing I would do to change that.
Or is there?
Kurt Cobain can be heard in a documentary talking about how ridiuclous it was that everyone loved him so much that he could produce garbage and people would gleefully purchase his records. At the same time, he explained, Courtney Love was judged so harshly so frequently that she would have had to produce a spectacular album simply to stay on the map.
As a caring and hardworking stepdad, I am Courtney Love and my stepdaughter's father is Kurt Cobain. While it's true that I respect and honor her bond and relationship with her father, I must admit that I get so fucking jealous. I've been in my stepdaughter's life for five years now and with increasing involvement. She seems to accept me into her life with fluctuating degrees of enthusiasm and nonchalance. She does show appreciation and I find her to be mostly a gracious human being. However, it feels that I must put forth fifty times the effort that her father must put forth in order to cultivate any degree of connection or closeness.
You may be thinking "well isn't that normal? You're the stepdad. She already has a dad - why would she relate to you like you're her dad?" Well, yes that's true. But I do not have children of my own and it's possible that I never will. Yet I devote every bit as much of my energy and my life to raising and providing for this child as might any solid dad. It's likely that I devote far more energy than many beloved fathers.
Despite the friction between her and her father, the bar he needs to clear to please her and make her feel loved has gotten very low. It's as if all he needs to do is exist and she will throw herself at him.
This is all understandable, by the way. I do not expect anything more from her, which is actually what is so sad. It really can't be any different unless her father ceases to be in her life. That will not happen and I wouldn't want it to happen - or would I?
Somewhere over the course of the last five years I developed an unmistakable, visceral love for this girl. This probably happened within the last year and a half - ever since I married my wife. I spend ample energy, time and money (in proportion to the size of my actual reservoir of these items) trying to help my stepdaughter live a positive and fulfilling life. Her father has a biological bond with her and he must offer up such energy lest he be considered irresponsible. I, on the other hand, offer up such energy by choice, willingly, because I think it's worth it.
I have foudn that being a stepparent is far more noble a decision than anything Disney movies would have us believe. Being a stepparent is far more heartbreaking than anything depicted in the Brady Bunch. Being a stepparent has been a fucking depressing and lonely existence.
How can I feel better about all this?
Thank you for reading.
start living your life is the
:jawdrop: start living your life is the answer...
You love your wife, you are married not joined to the hip, you can do your own things, you are not their slave..
simply go out and make friends and do your own thing now and again. You have no obligation towards your SD, she's not your child and never will be.... she's 15 you are 33... small age difference.... she will never see you as an adult role model.
Ugh, I feel your pain. I'm
Ugh, I feel your pain. I'm learning to apply this advice in my own life, but truly: you cannot expect other people to fill you up. You have to set limits that do not deplete you. Anything else leads to resentment.
You have got to find a way to put you first in your life. If you put yourself on the backburner, then you are putting too much energy into other people. But YOU are responsible for your happy life. And you are NOT responsible for anyone else's happy life. Of course you contribute to the happiness of those you love, but their happiness is their job.
Expecting other people to put themselves on the backburner in order to fill you up can only lead to resentment. Better is to keep yourself and your happiness in the forefront, and use what energy and time left over to help fill up those you love.
I feel for you. However, I
I feel for you. However, I think you've heard some words of wisdom here. They're bitter pills to swallow sometime, but the truth is, you will never be her father, and if you expect her to treat you like a father because you treat her like a daughter, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak. I've been a SM for 18 years. I learned long ago that being a step-parent is a thankless job. (And from what I've read on this forum and seen first-hand, most stepdads have it MUCH better than SMs, especially as a step-parent to a SD. SDs treat a SF with much more respect and are not trying to "compete" for the bio mom's affections as SDs are want to do with their bio father and SM.)
We have a decent relationship with my oldest SS, almost no relationship with the youngest SS. Oldest SS was estranged for 5 years then chose to have a relationship with my DH. Oldest SS is married and has 2 precious daughters. I guard my heart with them big time. While I do buy them gifts, have birthday parties for them, etc., I don't ever forget my place--that I'm NOT their grandmother, nor will I ever be. They HAVE two grandmothers, including DH's ex and SS's wife's mom. With the SGDs and the SKs in general, I only do for them things that I want to do out of the goodness of my heart and things I know will make my DH happy. I expect no thank-you's or anything in return from the SKs or SGDs. I know if I didn't remind myself of this, it would be easy to go overboard with love and gifts for these girls and feel very rejected and unappreciated. I keep myself in check and remind myself I'm nothing to them and if something happened to DH, I likely would never see them again. It's a harsh reality, but it's the truth I believe a step-parent must face.
Lupa, as the BM in that
Lupa, as the BM in that situation, I believe YOU are the key to the relationship between your DH and the SGD being good, which is a credit to you. Not to take anything away from you, but these things tend to be driven by the CP (usually the BM) and how they feel about it. In our case, I'm absolutely certain my PAS'd oldest SS's BM is more than fine with oldest SS and his daughters treating HER DH like a REAL father and grandfather. I'm sure in her mind it would be fantastic if everyone could pretend her current DH is SS's real father and SS never see DH again, must less me. However, she's NOT fine nor will ever be fine, with oldest SS and his daughters treating ME (the SM) like a real mother and grandmother! If you equally encourage your daughter and her child to recognize your ex's wife as equal to and exactly the same as you, then you are a real gem. If DH and I were divorced, I admit as a BM, I'd have a hard time "sharing" the DSs I gave birth to with a woman my ex married and having them give her the same love and affection as me. I think that's just human nature, which is why I say step parents need to guard their hearts.
While you sound like a
While you sound like a generous, well-meaning man, your essay does give the overall impression that you see this situation as a popularity contest with only one winner. You will never be able to make this girl feel or behave as you wish, and you certainly will never negate the fact she has a father who,for whatever wacko reason, has sunshine shining from his a**. I've always thought that being a sperm donor was an overrated honour.
Your decision to fund this girl and keep your dream of "love" alive was yours to make, but probably at the young age you started on this, no one told you to expect nothing in return. No one is going to,ask you to,stop playing daddy warbucks, they have it good with you paying the bills.
You are young enough at 33 to start over with your own child if that's so important. I see why it could be important to you. It is hard to figure out exactly what you want...recognition? Affection? Her asking you to adopt her? Have you told wife and SD how you feel?
If you did make the decision to leave and start over, at least do it without guilt. Make it a decision that constitutes what's best for YOU, not everyone else.
FFS, I appreciate the honest
FFS,
I appreciate the honest responses. Shit though. That is brutal. I feel like step-parenting is WAAAAY under represented in the discussion of relationships and parenting. It's like yes, everyone knows you have to be ready for a special commitment when you decide to live your life with someone who is already a parent. But it feels like there is no way I could have prepared for this feeling. I haven't had my ego tested like this since high school. So much emotional weight for a connection with a child who at best feels guilty about anything positive felt and at worst views you as the archetypal beta. Fuck me.
WE all fell in love with the
WE all fell in love with the adult, we all thought nah the kids will not be a problem, we are adults....
then ban you walk into a wall of hearing, constantly, You are not my parent you can't tell me what to do, we are not allowed to say anything, we just have to keep the brat happy, cause happy brat is happy parent. Through the years you sort of loose yourself. Then one day when you are cold and hard you realize you where the only one compromising in the situation and turned into a slave... there's no appreciation and it's to late to change. If you do change you are seen as the Evil step parent.
in short - you have no legal rights towards a step child, you are not allowed to parent in any way or form cause it's not your child. Your partner will always side with the child, cause blood is thicker then water. The other bio parent can be absent for years, but this child build the absent parent up in their minds and if that parent comes back one day, your status becomes lower then snake shit shadow.. cause you are not the parent. You will never hear Thank you...
Read the link below, it saved me and allot of other posters on this site, the only way to beat this life is when your partner fully trusts you and back you up when you do try and teach their child something.....
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Hi mate. I too am a 33 year
Hi mate. I too am a 33 year old male and we sound quite similar (I liked the Cobain and Love reference). I too am a musician and have just joined a band - if you can make time to do it, do it! Nothing or nobody will stop me going out and playing music.
What has made life easier is not being financially entangled with my SO's kids. I buy them things when I want to, not because I am some kind of provider. That to me is step parent rule #1.
As for time and energy, I view this along the same lines. Keep it minimal and when YOU have free time and energy. Don't invest so much time that you will be stopped from doing anything you want. ANY help you offer is a bonus to mum and bio dad.
Plus, there's the bigger picture to think about here. If you accept that you will never be loved in the same way as a bio dad, then you have a clear and rational choice to make about how involved you get with this girl.
Look, you either want to spend this much time, money and energy with SD, or you don't. You have that choice. And if you choose to pull back slightly, make sure you spend that time going out and doing what you want to do, not feeling guilty or like you're in the same league as a father abandoning their own child, because you're not.
She has two parents - let them finish the job they started! Any help you offer is a bonus and any relationship you build with SD is a bonus for you and her. It's finding that balance and sticking to it that is the real challenge, but be confident in whatever choice you make.
I totally relate. Thank you
I totally relate. Thank you for your comment about the nobility of being a stepparent, it's true and easily forgotten with the automatic stigma of the term and the less than sunny longings that come with the job.
Id like to thank everyone for
Id like to thank everyone for taking the time to post. Im 48 with no bio kids but my fiancé and i just gained emergency custody of his 15 yr old son. I've gone thru and cont to go thru alot of what others have described and was left feeling lost overwhelmed resentful and ultimately guilty for feeling the way I do. Im plagued with doubts that our relationship can make it and just feel more guilt. I've got a psych degree with over 20 yrs experience which means jack Shit in my current situation. So my moments of stiffling the screams,pulling out my hair and running screaming from my own home.