I'm a stepdad (that still sounds strange)
I think it's because I'm not a biological dad, just a stepdad (that "just" probably says a lot).
To summarise my situation, I love my stepdaughters dearly; one's almost 3 and the other 4 and a half and I love my wife to be with all my heart too. I hate the fact that the biological Dad is still around, not because of anything he's done really (although there's a lot of history there), but because he's the girl's real Dad.
Are there any other stepdad's on here that are not also biological dads? I would like to hear because there's no one in my circle of friends who can identify with my feelings.
My other half and I have talked about starting our own family but can it ever be the same as starting a new family together, as she and him did? This is a question that bugs me a lot.
This all sounds like I'm a jealous kind of guy, I'm honestly not usually, in fact this is pretty much the first time in my life that I have had any type of jealous feelings and that's hard in itself.
I'm not even sure there's a question in here, bit of a rant really as I've kept most of this to myself for the last year (I've been with my missus for almost two years).
I feel a bit better now though, cheers!
hi bane Not a step dad but
hi bane
Not a step dad but my husband is. We both had children from previous relationships when we met. I think the jealousy is sometimes common. If you don't reel it in and get it under control however it can be detrimental. You and your wife absolutely can add to the already existing family. It is wonderful to have your own children together...but be sure that both of you are in the right place first. Be on the same page.
Hi Bane - I am a step mom
Hi Bane -
I am a step mom with no biological kids of my own, so I do sympathize with what you are feeling. I hate the mom being in the picture, mainly cause she is a two-faced wh*r*. But those are my feelings to deal with and I don't project them onto my kids.
Do me a favor though, don't refer to BD as the "real" dad. That would insinuate that you are a fake dad, and if you are a dad to those kids you are just as real. My kids use to refer to us as real mom and step mom and I explained that I am not a fake mom, and she is your bio mom not your real mom. Your kids are a little young yet, but SD7 would say things like "You are the best step-mom in the world" or when someone would tell her to get her mom, she would reply with "She is my SM", so I sat her down and said "SD7 do you like it when I call you my daughter?" and she said "yes" "So how would you feel if I always corrected people, and called you my step daughter all the time?" That conversation let her know how I felt about it.
I have no interest in taking the place of BM, but I do care for my Skids 75% of the year so I would like some credit as a mom too. My SS14 has 4 moms
BM, SM, and two adoptive moms. LOL (BM is very jealous, so we haven't told her that yet 
and the fact he refers to me as Mom #1)
You are starting a family with her, or expanding your existing family. It depends on how you want to look at it, cause you still have something he doesn't have.
I don't know if this will help, but it does me when I feel the green eyed monster creeping up. I remind myself that I have custody of the kids, and she doesn't!
I hope it helps to know your not alone in your feelings. If you need to talk, I'm here!
Good Luck
Where is Rags? Welcome Bane.
Where is Rags?
Welcome Bane. I have always wondered what it was really like from a step dad situation with no biokids. What is it like to you having the biodad around with these kids?
It sucks. The hardest part
It sucks. The hardest part for me emotionally is trying to understand how the hell my fiance (BM) could ever seen this man as anything worth looking at, much less touch, and have sex with? REALLY? ugh! But having been with her now for 8 years, and seeing how much of a dead beat dad, I am only angered that as soon as I became engaged with BM suddenly BF wants to be close to his kids.
Watching the Skids grow up - there is a lot of disappointment they have seen from their bio-father. I have always been there, but always like a friend. Then there are these moments where they make me feel like a father, and even a rare moment like daddy and these are the most beautiful moments. Sadly, more common is the sense that while they love me like a father, their bio-father and that side of the family have done a good job brainwashing them to remember who their father is. I remember 1.5 years ago at the time 7 yo SD asks me, "If you and mommy marry, can I call you daddy?" I told her that I would love for her to call me whatever she felt she wanted to call me. What makes me truly sad is never since I have been engages has SD, soon to be 9yo, once called me daddy or even dad. Just by my first name. I try not to let it get to me, and only tell my fiance from time to time how it bothers me.
I want SO BADLY to spill the beans and tell them all the crap and shit their dad has done to put their family in such a position. I have to bite my tongue though. My fiance believes they will learn in time and that's the best for them. My head agrees, my heart aches over it.
All in all, a strange mix of love and frustration.
Having a daughter of my own now, she's 9 months old, I cannot begin to fathom how we possibly have a society where parents do not make it work. I work months at a time away from family. It kills me. I would do anything to be able to say I saw her first crawl, or saying dada the first time. I was not there, but instead providing for my family. How a man can avoid providing for the most precious love of his life is beyond me. I love my Skids, but my daughter is something different. She is an extension of me - my skids are not except through environmental influence.
Travelguy, I can totally
Travelguy, I can totally relate to your feelings, although I do not have my own children. To speak very selfishly, I wish my SS's BM would just completely give up and never see him again. She is just here to see him when she feels like it, and erase whatever discipline we, as a family, have been working on.
My SS7 is with me and my boyfriend 90% of the time. SS and I spend more time together than he and my SO. I take him to school daily, pick him up, discipline him, play around with him, and he opens up to me about his issues. But BM is always #1, even though he tells me she never listens to anything he says, not even just to have a conversation. She never asks how his week is, she doesn't even call at all on the days that SS is with us just to see how he is doing. All she has to do is pick him up on some weekends, take him to some place or buy him a toy, and she's world's number 1 mom. And I understand it, I remember being a kid and my parents were always first, no matter their shortcomings.
I also totally relate with getting confused in how my SO could have decided to have a kid with this woman. My SO is not stupid, I'm sure he knows what kind of person she is even before they had a kid, and he had a kid with her, and my SS is in this cursed situation. My SS tells people that his mother doesn't love him, how fucked up is that? And he believes it, because there is no effort on BM's side on raising this him.
And when you said, you don't understand how some parents can't make it work; I agree so much with that! I'm sorry but one kid does not cost that much to raise. It's not that difficult to speak to a child daily. It's not difficult to care. I get so mad to see deadbeats. I am angry at parents who don't give a crap. It's easy to have effort, there are difficult days too, but all in all just caring is easy.
SS refers to me as mom at school, calls me mom some days, but will not call me mom in front of my SO. I'm okay with that. He refers to me as real mom, and step mom. It sounds great, but I know he can always have a change of heart. What you and I can do is just be understanding and patient. Like your wife says, let your SKs be disappointed in their bio parents on their own. That's one thing these deadbeats won't fail at... then again, they are also easily redeemed with one small parental or kind gesture.
Bane, My brief background is
Bane,
My brief background is that I am a 46yo man married to a 35yo woman for 16+yrs with an 18yo son (SS).
I am a non breeding StepDad. I became "dad" to my SS-18 when he was 1yo. My wife and I have not yet spawned together but it may happen.
We talked about it and neither of us has a problem with the concept but we have just not pulled the trigger yet. Primarily because my wife was Pre-Eclampsic/Toxemic with SS and nearly did not survive her pregnancy. Apparently the chances are very high for toxemia in subsequent pregnancies and I am not willing to jeopardize her health or risk her life just to spawn
Though we do not have joint children, I think it is possible to have a great experience spawning with a spouse who has spawned previously with someone else. The quality of your marriage/relationship is the biggest influence on this I think. If you are caring, committed, passionate, and motivated and equity partners in your relationship then I see great opportunity for a wonderful experience having children together.
Will your experience having a child be the same as the experience she had with her X? Nope, but even in initial families the experience that the parents have with each child is different so I would not sweat this issue at all.
As for your "jealousy" of your Skids and their BioDad, perfectly natural IMHO. I struggled with it a bit when my SS was young while my wife and I were dating and early in our marriage. I loved the kid nearly from the first date with his mom. However, there were times when I had an almost visceral revulsion to him. I think it is an Animal Planet mammalian thing about having some other guy’s spawn on your turf. Think lion kings who kill the spawn of their predecessors when they take over a pride. I know, I mixed Disney and Animal Planet examples but you get the point.
As for the BioDad ..... Hopefully your Skids BioDad is a good and reasonable guy. If not, don't sweat it, be the best dad you can be, be an equity partner, parent, disciplinarian to your wife and even an equity parent to the BioDad. You are raising your wife's (and BioDad's) children in your home. IMHO that makes you just as much a parent as BioDad or your wife and just as much a "real" dad as BioDad.
Don't settle for anything less.
I have never considered myself anything but my son's (SS) "real" dad. I did not contribute to him genetically, but he lives full time in my home and I have far more influence over him and the adult he is/will become than the SpermIdiot does. His BioDad is a worthless POS toothless dipshit moron with 4 out-of-wedlock spawn by three baby mamas. My SS is his oldest. So, my situation may be different than yours since your SKid's BioDad does not sound too bad.
A marriage between equity partners can be a great thing even when the dark forces of manipulative XWs/XHs and manipulative step spawn raise their ugly heads. The key is agreement between the spouses that the marriage comes first and the partner with the X will insure that the X and the spawn are not allowed to adversely impact the marriage through manipulation. You can make a viable and strong family that includes you, your wife, your skids and your own children. The foundation is your marriage.
All IMHO of course.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
Best regards,
"non breeding" ??? You're
"non breeding" ??? You're totally an engineer type.
I resemble that remark.
I resemble that remark.
My mom, my wife (and XW) and my SIL all have expounded on the PITA it is being married to engineers.
My XW coined the term "engineeric" when she was ranting about my dad many years ago.
My dad, younger brother and I all have the same undergrad degree and have had fairly similar careers.
The ladies in the family have a very engineeric burden to bear.
Best regards,
I understand that feeling of
I understand that feeling of not starting to have children together and not having the first child together. In my previous relationship, that was a huge bone of contention, mostly because he had the twins from cheating on me. In my current relationship, my BF referred to his child as the "practice child," tongue-in-cheek, of course. I think because I feel the difference in cimmunication and acceptance of my feelings between the two relationships, it really doesn't bother me as much as it did. And, I like the fact that he has experience with a baby because I'm very Type A and when I have my first, I have a feeling I will be a little nutty. I think having that spousal support and validation of your feelings will go a long way to help. And, to be honest, I strongly dislike BM, but I like having every Friday as grown-up time.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the words and thoughts, it's really appreciated to hear other's advice from a variety of situations.
Stepmom23, you're right I shouldn't call BF "real dad", I am doing all the real male parenting, he just gets to spend the occassional fun weekend with his kids. Even so, I'm not sure I can call the girls "daughters" because they're still so young and I don't want to confuse them. They know I love them and it's reciprocated. But again I do have something that the BF doesn't have, namely a family unit at home.
Butterflykisses; it's hard having the BF around. It feels like the girls have another life away from us when they're with him and they don't talk about their time with him. I pick them up from his house on occassion. For me though the hardest part is knowing about him and his (still quite recent) relationship with my missus. The youngest looks like him too..... As Rags said: "I think it is an Animal Planet mammalian thing about having some other guy’s spawn on your turf".
Thanks Rags for your background, I often think that my relationship with my wife to be is inbalanced, there's obviously a lot more demands on me from her, than I on her, simply because I help with the kids and how much they dominate our lives. We've chatted about having kids, she's keen and she's promised not to do the "this is how you do it" or "from my experience" crap that would drive me mad.
I worry that my relationship with the girls will change though if she and I have kid[s] or that my relationship with our own kid (if we were to have one) would be so different than if we were to be new parents together. Can't quite get my head around that one...
Old Dart; I'm a teacher! I love it but sometimes this makes things more difficult, for example as I'm leaving work I'm often thinking that my life is all about "bringing up other people's children". Sometimes that's positive in having that influence and sometimes negative on a selfish level. I like your thoughts about leaving a legacy and I totally agree; the legacy isn't necessarily about reproducing but doing the right thing, educating, encouraging smiles and making kids respect themselves. I try my best to do this at work and at home.
Thanks all, you've helped me put my thoughts and feelings into context, I live and learn about who I am and ultimately I'm lucky to have such a wonderful partner, I'd just like to have had kids with her first!
This is a great forum, thanks again and hopefully in the future I'll be able to pass on some wise words of my own to those who need it...
About having your own
About having your own kids...
For us, the relationship has not changed with our kids at all. They do things to get attention, esp. SD (9) who was used to be the "baby" of the family. I was the baby of my family, so I empathize with her a lot. Still, I cannot joke with the baby like I can with adolescent SS (12). I cannot cuddle and snuggle and do butterfly kisses and such with a baby or a pre-teen boy like I do with SD (9). And the baby is a pure angel and joy for us. The kids have been wonderful, they love their baby sister, and both show their affection in the most heart-warming ways. I'd swear that SD (9) is the real mom the way she loves to carry her and protect her. I'd swear that SS (12) is a father in the making with his gentle affection that speaks so much louder than words. And through all of this, my fiance has been the steady rock for us all, mother and lover.
In the right situation, it can be very beautiful to have kids of your own. There are challenges too, which I imagine most members will shove down your throat, so I wanted to shed light on the positive side of a new family addition. It also truly connects me by blood to them all, which is a subtle but real difference that is somehow to me empowering and comforting.
Bane: I am a childless
Bane:
I am a childless StepFather with a SS17. Been doing this for 8 years and it's not fun. You will experience feelings that you never thought you could. You will never win. Fact: you will never be the real father; Bio will always be the real dad. I love my DW more than anything and that's the only reason I am still here. You might get lucky and have a wonderful life with your ready made family but the odds are against you. I am dealing with only one Skid; you will be dealing with two Skids. Hmmmmmmm. You will sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice to no end. For what???? Someone else's kids. Just wait you will see. Then you will be on this site all the time just to keep your sanity. Just like me.
it's comments like this that
it's comments like this that make me realize i'm not alone.
I'm 39 years old and am with someone that's 2 years older than me. She has a 22 year old daughter that lives on her own and a 15 year old daughter that lives with us every two weeks. I've been with this woman off and on for 9 years but for the last 5 solid. I do love her very much.
The 15 year old though.... It started out great when she was younger but now it gets worse every day. Her dad basically ignores her for the most part, occasionally does stuff with her but he goes out every weekend partying with his new wife and leaves her home alone at night alot.
The things that get me. When she's at our house she talks about her dad alot. Anytime we go someplace if they went there before the divorce i get to hear stories about "remember when we came here with dad?". At the same time she talks about how she doesn't really like him that much either. I've tried to do things with her, we used to play video games together etc. I did way more with her than her dad did. She even told me a few times that i was a better dad than her dad.
But yet in the next sentence her dad can do no wrong. If i like something, it's stupid, if her dad likes it it's cool. I've purposely tested this with things she's said she's liked in the past and that her dad likes so i go "yeah this band "x" is really cool isn't it?" and i get "no they suck, i've always hated them". I can basically instantly make her not like something by saying i like it.
basically everything i do is wrong, everything her dad does is right and it makes me insane. her mother let's her basically run wild at our house because at her dads she has strict rules. Her dad and stepmom get the living room. when they come home they watch what they want to and if she doesn't like it she can go elsewhere. Which frankly is how i feel as well. If i come home from work and want to watch the tv i paid for in the living room i paid for i feel that's my right but she throws a fit and her mom backs her up. I basically have to hide in my office for the two weeks she's at our house.
She does no chores around the house even when told and that's ok with her mom. her mom just does everything for her. She can't even remember to put out water for the dogs when she's been told multiple times.
I have no kids, i've never really wanted them. I've had moments where i thought it might be nice but have never made the conscious decision to have them and luckily never had any accidents. But there's days now i just want to scream and run out of the house and never come back. I hate being around this kid. I hate the two weeks she's with us. I hate how the older one always shows up. I hate how we're stuck always watching her new baby.
These kids make me feel things i'm embarassed to feel. They've made me resent them. I'm tired of helping them out when they need it to never hear a thank you or any appreciation at all. I'm tired of feeling like a third wheel all the time.
Basically i'm miserable and that's sad because i do truely love the woman i'm with. I know that dating at my age ain't going to be fun and the amount of women around 40 with no kids is slim to none. But every day is a struggle. Every day it's a battle to keep my emotions in check, to not blow up at these kids or my GF. I keep thinking 2.5 more years and this one will move out and it can be just us, but my GF can't ever say no to constantly taking care of the new baby.
I just can't imagine what i was thinking when i got into this. Being a step parent is the worst job on the planet and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Like so many others here I
Like so many others here I have been in your exact shoes. Well not exactly I'm a woman and not a man :).
My now husband and I had lived together for over a year and due to my feelings toward his children, ex and other baggage I had told him that I would never marry him. Hurtful, I know but it was not the ‘family’ I wanted to have. I was okay with living together, okay with his kids coming over every week. I did wish that I felt like I had more say when they were at my house but it was what it was. I had no rights no say they were not my kids. I only had a say when they were damaging my house or property or disrespecting me. All of which I had to carefully and tactfully explain my point of view to my SO several times and hope that he would understand and take care of the situation.
After this time period I had a bit of an accident…Overcoming 2% odds I found out I was pregnant. Not that I had planned this or expected this I was excited to have a child with a man that I loved but I was not excited that it would not be his first or that I had to share this experience with 2 kids that I personally didn’t love or care for (again I do realize this is sad but I would much rather they not be in the picture). With all this in mind I did the old fashion thing and finally said yes to my now husband when he asked me to marry him for the umpteenth time.
I will say it is hard when his 2 kids are over I still feel like a guest in my own home. It is hard to see how the different kids get different rules. And it is hard in the beginning to know that your 1st is not their 1st but this does dissipate and it does get easier. I don’t know yet if it will ever go away but for me it has gotten easier. I asked that he not compare or bring up conversations like, ‘well with my first they did this or with my second they did this.’ I asked that he treat this as his first because it was my first. So far he has respected this.
The hardest thing for me is when I hear his family say that our son looks like his son with his ex. This is so difficult because his 1st son looks identical to his x’s brother. They could be twins with 30 years between them. This was something that hadn’t even entered my mind as something others would say. It is hurtful to hear that they think my son doesn’t resemble me or my husband. Please keep in mind that these statements are only made by his family and picture to picture the 2 look nothing alike. It’s like comparing me to Jenifer Anniston I look nothing like her but we have similar hair color. It’s CRAZY and irritating to me!
I will not tell you to run because you are the only one that can determine what is best for you. I will say that in my shoes my husband is very important to me and makes me want to be a better person. I will say that I enjoy our time so much more when his kids are not around. I cannot wait for that time to be lessened when they are out of the house and on their own. Then I will only have to see them on family occasions. Never thought that I would feel that way but it’s the truth. I do wish I felt differently and I have tried and tried so here’s to hoping that time will change. Good luck to you.
And don't feel bad about the title, I do not call myself a step mom I am my husbands wife because that is what I'm comfortable with. No its not what society says but its what I feel good about.
I love being a step-dad. I
I love being a step-dad. I want my own kids, but I'm so happy with my amazing stepdaughter. I don't think jealousy is out of line. Here you are, actually doing the dad job, and you don't even have someone to carry your name. I know for me, it's super helpful every time my stepdaughter reminds me I'm the dad who really loves her mom.
Hi I am a BM with a
Hi
I am a BM with a wonderful SF to our six year old daughter. Our daughter BF has NEVER been in the picture, save the first three Christmas's or so where BF showed up high. My fiance (SF) stepped up even though he didn't have to when our daughter was a year and a half. She knows no other daddy and never will because my fiance is her daddy forever. At the same time, we always get people who ask if our daughters BF is in the picture or if she sees him etc. Also, we get family members who show old pictures of BF and say how much our daughter looks like her. I get a furious anger because most of the time I forget all about BF because he is such a pos. My fiance gets more of the jeleousy because he wants people to say how much our daughter looks like him, or when people talk about how beautiful she is he wants to know that is partly because of him. It breaks my heart! I tell him that she is who she is because he is her father and I am her mother, but even though he is daddy he still gets that jeleousy which can be hard for me to understand because he raised her. So, long story short, it is perfectly normal to get that jeleousy, but you should know that you are a true father who stepped up and love your child no matter what. The BF (it seems in both our situations)can not say the same! Kudos to all the men who stepped up when they didn't have to and feel love for THEIR children!!!!!
"Friends do not let friends
"Friends do not let friends become stepparents." Bahahahahaaaa Lmao!!!! Sooo true!!!!! I have a 11yr old SS whom I do not like and he doesn't like me. And 2 toddlers with DH. Very painful knowing they were not his first and I was not his first love... Hurts that I have to deal with his first loves SS and BM every damn day. It kills me. Rips me apart. I have no say so and Everytime I say anything to SS or BM I have to explain myself and i always get into "trouble." I always feel like a stranger in my own home. I walk on egg shells. Lately I have lost all self control and lose it infront of SS on DH. I'm tired of always hearing how innocent his son is and how much of a bully I am to SS. If I could turn back time I would have never ever in a million years got with someone that had kids with another woman. I battle myself everyday to not feel insecure over his ex high school sweetheart and his pride and joy son. He cried when his son was born but with our daughters he didn't nor did he stay at the hospital for very long. He says he hates her bc she cheated on him with his bestfriend but I don't buy it. I'm ready to leave. You all show me I'm in for a losing battle. I'm 22 and feel I should just stop being with the love of my life bc I will never win in the end. SS will always come first. I love this site but it devastates me too. I thought at some point it would get easier but I see that it does not. Catch 22 here..
. :sick: