Disengaging from 1 of 3 Step Children?
I'm in need of some advice. My husband and I seem to be having small arguments lately. He has three daughters: 16 year old (his high-school girlfriend is her mom), a 11 year old and an 8 year old (with his ex-wife). I get along beautifully with the 16 year old - she is respectful 100% of the time. Both her and her mother are very appreciative of what I do for her and I'm happy to do it. The 11 year old is absolutely terrible to both her father and me. She is a super-star athlete and does very well in school. Her mother does everything she can to keep her away (and hating) us. As a result, she is rude, nasty, ungrateful, and a downright mean person (to me - most everyone else in her life seems to love her). My husband loosely acknowledges this, but obviously wants to remaim a part of his daughters life - which seems to be slipping away quickly. (BTW, she uses that shes not comfortable with me as her excuse for not spending time with us). The 8 year old - adorable, adaptable, loving, sweet, flexible - she still has her mother in her at times, but overall she is appreciative.
I don't mind doing things for the 16/8 year olds - but I feel like I'm at a point that I need to disengage from the 11 year old. Is it possible to disengage with only one? How do I keep it from not turning into hell with her mother - who already complains that I treat her differently? How do I make this work with my husband?
So aggravated and just want to make it work.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you! I appreciate it -
Thank you! I appreciate it - and it helps that i'm not alone.
This has started to work! The
This has started to work! The problem now is that she and her mother are attacking me for treating the other kids differently. Her mother is continuously feeding my husband comments about how this is the truth - I'm afraid at some point he'll start to believe it.
I am partially disengaged
I am partially disengaged from SD15 but fully engaged with SS13. I have no trouble with it. Dh asked me not to disengage from SD early on. So I did it his way for about a year. Then I blew my top one day and actually told her that one of the reasons I am nice to her is that her dad asked me to (i was so sick of her being mean to her dad) but I sure didn't have to be. I told her some things were between me and her now because her "dad thinks the world of you--I see things a bit differently." I told her her dad "would walk into traffic for you." But I had my own personal boundaries I was now going to enforce on my own.
Things got much better for me after that. Still not perfect and she can plunge me into the blues in 3 seconds flat. But her insulting me and various other forms of attacking me directly has virtually dried up.
And, yes, I endorse the thing above about helping and treating the ones who are nice to you. That's how it works at my house. SS is nice to me, cooperates, does chores I ask him and other tasks (homework, etc.). So he gets treats and fun and help from me. SD usually won't acknowledge I'm in the room so when she wants MY box of cookies, tough teacakes, girly, you can have those over there. I still do things for her but mostly under her radar. She knows she hasn't earned any special favors from me and she has learned that, unlike her parents, I won't just shower her with largesse anyway. So we talk very little and I no longer feel like moving back to my own house.
I have seriously thought
I have seriously thought about disengaging from my SD12. Since they spend the most time with me when they are here I feel obligated not to let her eat the entire house and to make her do homework. When I ask her something or tell her to do something she shrugs or pitches an all out fit. The simple fact is that it is my home and we will do things my way. DH is extremely tolerant but has put her in her place numerous times. I don't know if it's hormones or just an act against me but I know exactly how you feel. If you can find a solution please let me know
This sounds very similar.
This sounds very similar. Last night I finally shut my mouth and she ate an entire (large) bag of candy. All I said was I wouldn't be holding her hair back as she was throwing up. Her father didn't stop her (once he got home and she was half way through). I'm trying to walk away from the little things. Unfortunately, I think I see a lot of her mother in her - which automatically makes my frustration elevate.
I certainly think hormones are part of it at that age - most kids 11-15 have that "I'm better than you" attitude anyway, but not having control or being able to do anything about it makes it much tougher.
Last night we had the
Last night we had the disengaging conversation and it ended with that it's whatbi felt comfortable with and many other things. She won't be welcome if she keeps causing drama. I've gotten some criticism on her for that but it is DHs decision. Today I have not disengaged from her like normal. She made her own breakfast and I made her wash the dishes and go outside and play. When DH gets home they will have the talk about her behavior and hopefully all ends well.
I posted this almost a year
I posted this almost a year ago. Shockingly enough, I find myself in the exact same position. I am so fed up with her and do not know where to turn. Things have only gotten worse and I feel myself frustrated with spending any time or money on her. Any new thoughts that might help???