I don't know how to deal with SD and my partner just laughs it off!
I'm here for advice from people in the same boat as me! I find it difficult to deal with my partner's 9 year old daughter. It has gotten better with time, but it's still unbearable at times!! :sick:
She straddles him, sits on his knee (while him and I were having a conversation) she wriggles around on his knee. She kisses his neck fondles his ears and rubs his hair! When she does the above she looks at me again and again with this little smirk across her face. I ignore it, by taking deep breathes and staring straight ahead haha. Or by pretending to go out of the room and make a phone call. I have asked people for advice before, all I get is: Leave him! You can find someone who doesn't have a child and start a relationship with them! I don't want to give up on us yet, I am giving it one more try.
How should I deal with SD behaviour? I have no children of my own but I'm very close to my younger nieces and nephews so I have a fair idea that behaviour is a bit strange to say the least! I brought it up with my partner today, I said am I imagining it or does she get touchy feely with you/possessive and then glance at me again and again to see my reaction? He laughed :O and said she thinks I'm her boyfriend haha! I said do you realise how sick that sounds? You are an adult she needs to know that that's not right behaviour. His reply was you and her deal with it. Sort it out amongst yourselves. I am considering discussing the matter with the BM as I don't want to step on toes by upsetting the SD also I don't know how to approach the subject with the SD and know the BM would have a way easier chance of getting through to the child than I would. I get so so stressed about it I nearly have panic attacks. I just need friendly advice. Thank you in advance. How should I approach the situation?
Get away. Pack your shit and
Get away. Pack your shit and drive it like you stole it. Never look back. Let them all be sick without you.
Without Daddy's help and
Without Daddy's help and support you're helpless. How are you alone going to make this kid do anything? The BM is as helpless as you, she's not even in the home when it happens.
Your boyfriends comment today makes it clear the girl has won the battle for his affections and attentions leaving you as second class. Tolerate it or leave. By the way the competition is going to get worse not better as she will stay in the battle until she's driven you out of the home. That's her goal, and as she matures the tactics will get worse.
Never mind what it means now
Never mind what it means now -- and I agree with other posters entirely on that -- this sort of jealous game-playing prophesies much more focussed teenage/adult jealousy and manipulation later. My OSD did not behave in this way to your extreme but she did at the age of 9 when hugging my DH (normally) stare spitefully and triumphantly over his shoulder at me (his new GF). As this only happened a couple times I never bothered addressing it. Wish I had. She continued with the attitude unchallenged and unhelped by DH; only when she reached adulthood, her ability to dissemble, deceive and manipulate all motivated by extreme jealousy caused me much heartache. So, if you are going to stick around, and if you find a way of dealing with this current behavior, then know that the behavior is not the entire problem and you have to get you and DH on the same page as regards her jealousy/insecurity and deal with it now if you want your relationship to flourish unmolested in the future.
If he is pretending to be his
If he is pretending to be his daughters boyfriend that is sick... She is only 9 so I would worry more about his allowing it, than what she is doing. I agree make a video of it next time and show it to him. Does this ever happen when other people are around? If Your husband only allows this while no one else can see, it sounds like he knows it is wrong. Is it possible that he COULD be doing anything sexually inappropriate with her?
No he doesn't touch her or
No he doesn't touch her or anything inappropriate. The thing is SD only behaves like that if I am around. If I'm out of the room she gets sick of him and sits on another chair, goes helping her grandmother, or goes playing toys. The behaviour never comes around if I am not there! It's like she's protective/possessive of him!
Maybe she is not meaning for
Maybe she is not meaning for it to look the way it does and is competing for attention. Her Daddy should be teaching her what is inappropriate though, like if she is straddling him he should move her, he wouldn't have to ban her from sitting on his lap but just making it an appropriate way. I really think a video played back to him may make him realize how it looks.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your fast responses!
I am definitely going to take a photo or film it if the occasion arises and I look forward to his reaction as it's different if the evidence is right in front of his eyes.
Also thanks to @NoAlias it's nice to know I'm not alone in this situation! SD does the same saying 'Daddy daddy tickle me tickle me!!' In such a high pitch voice it nearly makes my ears bleed.
My SO has told me before that his daughter is Number One, I said fair enough but she needs to understand him loving me doesn't take away from his love for her!
Do you think this
Do you think this inappropriate father/daughter behavior goes on in non-divorced families? Is this behavior aimed at the stepmother, but never at the BM? Or, is a BM more inclined to see this type of behavior as desirable? Interesting to think about.
Well interesting enough I
Well interesting enough I recently became facebook friends with BM she started chatting to me and asked how are things when the 3 of us are together (daughter, dad and I) she apologized for asking but said she had recently introduced the daughter to her boyfriend. BM said daughter was all over her, and when she sat down or tried to talk to her boyfriend the daughter would interrupt. She asked was her behaviour similar with me, as she could only imagine seeing as she is her dad's little girl! I said it bluntly it makes me wonder does SD like me, she climbs all over him, and acts possessive. The BM replied saying wow you hit the nail on the head! I had to sit her down after I introduced her to my boyfriend and ask what was wrong. SD replied to BM I am afraid your boyfriend is going to take you away from me. BM said SD likes me and enjoys my company but I need to reassure her and spend time with her and things will get better.
BM and my boyfriend were never married just going out for 2 or 3 years, so I can't comment on whether it occurs in divorced relationships. All I know is I never behaved like that, my parents are married still are. Perhaps it's different upbringing, but I am concerned that it could make SD unstable in future relationships!
Ohhh. thats why you wanted to
Ohhh. thats why you wanted to contact her. Makes more sense now. Sounds like she has the same problem with SD.
Yes I think so too, she is
Yes I think so too, she is able to talk to her child about it and she would listen. Whereas it wouldn't be my place to bring the issue up with SD.
Second this! You are playing
Second this! You are playing with fire. Block BM and stop that contact.
You should point out your
You should point out your SO's logic DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
He thinks its "okay" that she is acting like this because she thinks he is her "boyfriend". You should ask him if he saw her doing all this hugging, kissing and fondling on a ten year old boy if he would still be laughing. I think not. I hope not. Its inappropriate behavior and if he doesn't put an end to it now then he can't be mad when she comes home 16 & Pregnant.
If your SO knowingly
If your SO knowingly tolerates this sickening incestuous shit ("ha, ha, she thinks I am her boyfriend") then your friend's advice is the right advice IMHO.
If you choose to remain in this incestuous threesome relationship with this sick man and his equally sick spawn in the making I would take the direct approach.
Next time SD is riding your SO's knee you reach over, grab and twist her ear, drag her off of him and tell her she will never interface with our touch your SO in a sexual way ever again and then you turn to your SO and tell him if you ever see him participate in molestuous (I know, not a real word but it captures the image), incestuous behavior with a child again you will call the police on him.
Then I would take your friends advice, change your discussion with SO and call the police immediately (film the behavior on your phone) and leave. Then call BM and inform her that her daughter and her X are involved in an inappropriate physical relationship and if she wants to put her X in prison you have video of her daughter riding her father's knee. :sick:
This little girl needs an adult to protect her. Since her father is a sick POS and her BM is clueless it might as well be you that steps up and protects her.
IMHO of course.
Thanks everyone. I may have
Thanks everyone. I may have explained a part wrong, when SD is on my partner's knee she doesn't wriggle around in a sexual way. She just moves to kiss him or to put her arm around his neck. It's a stressful situation I'm so grateful for all the advice! I have to buy a smartphone this week as my recent phone had no video or camera on it, but I can't wait to see his reaction at the photo and how odd it looks... I do believe even the action of taking a photo will get his alarm bells ringing saying hey this isn't the correct way to sit in a photo!
Thanks for the clarification.
Thanks for the clarification. I am glad it is not what I thought it was.
Good luck.
If it truly looks wrong then
If it truly looks wrong then this could be a serious problem. I know a lady who has a daughter (7 at the time) who was acting very inappropriately around men her Dad, Step Dad etc. she acted in a way like you described. Turns out she was being molested, by her bio Dad, he was caught when she was 9, when her step Mother came home early from work. No one would have EVER thought he would do such a thing. This could be innocent but take it seriously.