I don't know what my role is.
I am not technically a step mum as my BF and I are not married but we have been living together for about 8 months now. I moved in with him and it involved moving towns and changing jobs.
My BF has an ex wife and two children (a girl of 13 and a 9 year old boy) and it has been remarkably easy with the kids so far. We had been dating for 4 months before I met the children and their mum (her rules) and I was dreading it as she would call him and say that his daughter was crying because she thought I was going to take her dad away. But nothing like that has been mentioned by either child since we met. When we first met he rarely was allowed the children over night but this has increased a lot. In the last 2 weeks they have been here 11 nights plus being here one evening for tea.
I am worried as I don't have children of my own and never spent much time with them. If my BF is here he is fully in charge of rules and stuff like that. They have started asking to stay over when he isn't here though too. He works mixed shifts. They have stayed 2 nights recently when he has been at work. It wasn't prearranged but they rang upset wanting to sleep here.
I really don't want to mess them up. I know that I am not designed to be a parent. I just don't have the skills or temperament for it.
I don't know what my role is. My BF's ex is tricky. I know everyone says that but it really is true. He is careful not to criticise her in front of the kids (as am I) but she says horrid things about him to the children. She encourages them to be disrespectful.
I bake with them and take them to the park and read with them and help with homework and stuff like that. But I worry that I am overstepping as their mum doesn't do that with them. I worry so much that I am making things worse for them at their mum's house as they ask her to do stuff and say that they are bored. I am scared that she will kick off because they talk about me and the things we do together as well as the day trips that the 4 of us go on.
My BF really tries to protect me from stuff with his ex (although he is getting much better about talking about it - I want to be there to support him!) but it still has an impact like when she drops the kids off 6 hours early when he is at work and I am at home. Or when she won't confirm if we can have the kids until the last minute. Even when it means the kids missing out.
His daughter has recently started saying that she wants to live here when she is 16. I don't know if this means I am doing things right or wrong! Her mum kicks off whenever her daughter has mentioned moving out. Even screaming that she would pack all her stuff that same night. I think in some ways they are starting to see that their mum's behaviour isn't good or fair - they can still be very defensive of her. Some of the things she does ....... it really upsets me.
I also worry that my BF's daughter has started talking to me before talking to her dad. I have made sure that she knows that if she tells me something that I think he should know that I will tell him just so she knows that I won't keep secrets from him.
It bothers me that I might be getting in the way of his relationship with his children. He seems to think that I am being daft but I feel like I am always there so they don't get much alone time with him. We tend to do things as a group (like day trips) or his daughter and I will bake together while he plays games with his son.
Sorry this is so long but I am working myself up into a tizzy about it and would really appreciate some advice from those with more experience than me!
Thank you.
I very much let him take the
I very much let him take the lead - they are his kids and he has known them forever whereas I haven't. I think it is hard for him as, for quite some time, he wasn't "allowed" overnight stays so he did the school run (apart from when he is on day shift - about 4 to 6 days a month) and they would come over on evenings for a couple of hours. I think he found it hard to set rules then as he didn't want to spend his limited time with them telling them off.
I see his ex on most pick ups and drop offs ......... I am not a fan of her but the kids are thrilled that we get on. Although all that means is that I am allowed in her house and then I bite my tongue a lot. She tends to kick off less when I am there. I have no clue what she says about me to the children though. I am careful that my BF and I present a united front so I won't be drawn to criticise him even when she prods and comments in front of the kids. I do the same when they say something disrespectful about him - not telling them off but pointing out something he does for them.
It feels a bit like a balancing act! We spent 4 months as a couple then I met the kids and they were there for tea a couple of times and after a few months of that I stayed over when they were there and then I moved in. The children were all for me moving in and asked so often if I had managed to get a job so I could move. Some stuff makes me mad though like how we had to wait for 4 months for me to meet the kids but she can introduce a boyfriend after a couple of days and within a week or two he is practically living with them.
Your role is your husband's
Your role is your husband's partner. What is important to him, you support and vice versa. Raising and nurturing his kids is important to him, you help. Having a peaceful and happy home is important to you, he helps.
You can do everything for the kids you are currently doing because it meets both your goals. Teaching kids respectful behavior is also important for both those goals. Keeping BM outta your business is also in support of those goals.
You don't have to stop baking with the girl because it's "overstepping." You have a youngster in your home, you want to bake, why not? What if it was a niece or neighbor child? You'd do the same. Demanding the kid call you Mom is overstepping. Baking is not.
Now be aware all this sweet relationship with the skids can backfire. Some stepparents have had it all good in the front years only to have a surly teen or young adult suddenly run to the skirts of whatever horrendous bioparent is off in the distance and turn on them. So you might keep reminding yourself you are not actually the mom, no matter what.
My final word is Design Your Own Life. Don't let BM be the architect of your life. Be courteous and respectful and keep good boundaries and that's it.
We are not married and this
We are not married and this is the first boyfriend that I have had that has kids / ex wife so it has been a pretty steep learning curve.
We do work pretty well as a team and 99% of the time manage to present a united front never putting each other down.
I don't have those parent instincts to fall back on so I am constantly worrying that I over step or don't do enough or do something wrong.
I really truly don't understand their mum though. She doesn't seem to want to spend time with them (they all live in their own bedrooms rarely venturing downstairs with her) but never wants them to move out. Plus she has this big thing about presenting herself as mum of the year to her family and friends (and facebook) and yet won't get up with them on a morning and her daughter is in charge of getting her brother ready and getting her mum up.
I was expecting it to be really tough with the kids right from the start so am just trying to appreciate the good times while they last. At the moment they tend to aim most of the attitude towards their dad but the comments mostly sound like what their mum says to them. It is hard to know if they are saying it because they mean it or if it is because they know it hurts him.
I just wish there was a manual! I feel like I am stumbling about and worrying so much because I don't want to damage them or cause problems between them and their mum as that would cause problems for my BF.
Guessing this doesn't get easier!!
Sounds like you have very
Sounds like you have very good parenting instincts, give yourself some credit. Even if you don't want to call it that, just wanting to have fun times in your home, good connections with the people in your home, and expectations of courtesy, cleanliness, and respect in your home is the same thing.
Also sounds like your bm is a bit similar to ours. She makes few connections to her kids, spends as little time as possible with them for a "custodial" parent. I don't understand it, either. In our case, the little girl loved all the fun stuff I was doing with her at 12 but around the time of our engagement she snapped. It's like she figured out I was doing things her mother SHOULD be doing but wasn't. It seemed to me like she felt very threatened and lashed out. It was as if she were preventing her mom from looking bad by cutting off her good times with me.
That might happen to you. Be prepared. But I wouldn't cut off the good times prematurely knowing this might happen. Maybe it won't happen in your case. Enjoy it as long as you can. Hopefully that will be a lifetime. Good luck.
Ok first thing first,
Ok first thing first, boundaries. There is no reason for you to be in the BMs house or the BM to be in yours.
My SD4 was newborn when her BM and my fiance split, it was only in the very beginning that BM came to the house to collect and bring SD back. I got together with my fiance when SD was 2, by that time BM and my fiance had completely stopped house swop overs. They meet in a mutual public place for all handovers.
The result? I have never had to worry/stress about finding BM on my doorstep, my house is my house. BMs house is BMs house and SD doesnt have the awkwardness of both parents together in a home setting.
Your partners kids are alot older, if pick ups are being done at the house then its a case of staying in the car and having them come out to you (seriously I was doing that when I was like 6 years old- naturally only from door to car)
In terms of your interaction with them, you do what you want. You have it both easier and harder given the ages, they are that bit older to be able to "do stuff" with them, but at the same time they are at the ages that can get nasty and sarky fast.
You and your partner need to sit down and work out this visitation, it seems like the kids have control over their visitation. which is ok if that works for you, but that does mean you have to either agree to specifics (like they cant stay over when dads not there) or you have to be 110% with dropping any and all plans whenever they say they want to come visit (I say that because most parents find it hard to say no to spending time with their kids so dont be surprised if your partner very rarely tells them they cant come over).
Your role is you are the woman of your household, you are an adult in that household and as such you demand/expect a certain level of respect and behaviour from any minors under your roof. If you do not feel comfortable taking full responsibility for those kids then you simply tell your partner you arent comfortable having them stay when hes out at work.
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If you want to go baking, do your nails, whatever and you invite them to join you thats fine. Do not start comparing what you do compared to what their BM does, it will drive you mad and get you no where.
You are not trying to replace their mother, you are not trying to convert them to some cult, you are simply yourself and these children are your boyfriends children. It is perfectly fine for you to want a relationship with them (and its perfectly fine if you get to know them and later change your mind as the teenage hormones hit