It's getting old
The skids are really starting to get on my nerves as well as my fiance's relationship with BD. The youngest girl just turned 3. She is getting openly defiant of me when I ask her to do things (get away from the hot pans while cooking, stop having a fit when brother won't play, stop taking my things -wallet, watch, phone- and running off with them). Her mom just tells us both that we need to get along instead of getting on to her for doing what she's doing. Her younger son, 7, sits around all the time in the living room with the tv going while playing video games at the same time and breaks out in fits if you ask him to clean his room. The oldest son, 8, gets defiant of his mom, will never eat unless its Ramen noodles, and is starting to let his grades drop in school. I think he is has ADD like his mom, but she thinks he just needs tutoring.
Despite making house rules, the boys don't clean. Our floors are nasty with bits of food everywhere. If I say our floors are nasty, she gets mad at me and thinks I'm picking on the boys. I just sweep them up now myself without saying a word.
The kids all have their own bedroom, but they never sleep in them. The oldest boy either sleeps with his brother or his sister because his bedroom is at the other end of the house and he doesn't like being away from everyone. Regardless of where he sleeps, the daughter is always sleeping with one or both of them, or waking up all hours of the night begging to sleep with us. She wants to sleep with mom so bad that if neither of us are in our bed, I can walk into the room to find the daughter right in the middle of the bed. She won't move when I ask so if I need to take a nap, or change the bed, or change clothes, I have to pick her up and move her out of the room...which is almost always followed by a fit.
Then there is my fiance. I love her to death...but she drives me nuts sometimes. After some drama with biodad, she agreed to limit communication from texting to just email. He has been manipulative of her in the past. Well, he decided to try to tell her how he wanted to take care of her and the kids and that she was his responsibility to take care of despite the fact she lives with me and we are engaged. She told me about it and that she asked him to limit communication to just emails. Well, he starts texting her again to talk about the kids and she lies to me and says that he emailed her. I found out when I handed her the phone and noticed a text from him on it. When confronted she said she had changed her mind about texting him, that she needs to for convenience, and admitted lying to me about it but basically said that I had to get over it. She had left me about 6 months ago because he manipulated her into thinking he was coming back and loved her and wanted to be with the kids again. He then dumped her after a couple of weeks and went back to the girl who he had cheated on her with and she came back to me...she swears it is not happening again, that she knew it was a mistake when she took him back...but how can I forget what happened so easily when she lies about contact with him.
I'm tired. I love the kids, but I'm tired. I don't like the family setup where they sleep wherever they want to sleep...where they are allowed to barge into our bedroom anytime they want...where we spend every waking minute with them but I have to hear how much she misses them and how she needs to spend more time with them. We haven't had a date night since November and lovemaking comes at the expense of sleep during the workweek because we have to wait until they are asleep...and that's IF she even stays awake.
We are planning our wedding. I don't have many friends here because we just moved. I work about an hour from home so there aren't co-worker friends really. Just getting involved with church, so there arent many church friends yet. I only have a couple of people I want to be groomsmen. She informed me yesterday that she is going to have all of her sisters stand up with her and her best friend, so 4 people when we had previously only agreed to 2. So she told one of her sisters husband that he could be a groomsman for me. She also planned an engagement photo session in one location after we had discussed and agreed on another. Now we are taking a trip with her family the day after our wedding for her father's birthday instead of doing a honeymoon using the only vacation time she has left this year and when I asked if I can at least include my family (since our alone time just flew out the window) she has to check with her family first!! Where is my say in all of this??????? WTF???
I love them. Don't want to leave them or lose them. I'm just frustrated as hell! We've tried to talk about some of this, but it always ends up with a fight because we have two different views on how things should go.
Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew. Maybe I thought I wanted this family life but I really don't. I don't know. I can't stand the thought of losing her...but I don't know how to make this better. If I put my foot down, we fight. If I don't, I get walked on. It feels like my first marriage in that way.
I don't want help, I just want to vent. FUCK!!!
It's difficult to see your
It's difficult to see your dreams dashed apart and I hope you feel better now you've published your rant. You know that this relationship is doomed and you're best of ending it now rather than later.
Don't make a big issue of it or try to cast blame. Just tell her that it was a mistake and its time for you to move on.
Well, it's not with the
Well, it's not with the ex...we now live several states away. I don't believe she is cheating on me. During our last argument she basically threw the phone at me and said to look all I wanted. I did, there was nothing indicating she was talking inappropriately with him...just the fact that she was letting him text her when she told me she would block him and make him email. I trust that she isn't...I just don't want him to think he has an opportunity to try to pull something. And she doesn't need my money. She has a very good job and no problem supporting her family on her own.
Even when they eat at the
Even when they eat at the table, they are messy and food ends up in the floor. The rule is to eat at the table...but every once in a while I will find cheetos on the floor, and on the carpet in their bedroom. They just don't think about the rules if we aren't pointing them out every time.
" you are not their dad, lay
" you are not their dad, lay in your room and watch your man shows " LOL LOL, I love this, I am a woman, and I do the same. I actually put a huge sign on our bedroom door , a stop sign' NO FREAKING KIDS ALLOWED BEYOND THIS DOOR ' and it works just fine.
Never, ever, let the tail wag the dog.
Counseling is definitely on
Counseling is definitely on the horizon. We have both said that we need it. It's jsut the actual act of finding one and getting started that we haven't done yet. Gonna do it through the church definitely.
So, she lied to you about
So, she lied to you about texting the ex and you told to suck it up. You complain about the house being disgusting and you're feeling forced to suck it up to avoid a fight. She invited her BIL to be a groomsman and you're told to suck it up. She has gone back on at least two agreements and that's just too damn bad. Then she makes plans for your no longer a honeymoon without checking with You but you feel compelled to ask her permission to invite your family along on a family trip....
So she isn't parenting her children but she sure seems to feel fine taking on a parent role with you. She is the authority on all things and you and your feelings and your opinions are disregarded. Even after she left you to go back to her ex (who she lies to you about) and you take her back...
I am really failing to see what it is you get out of this relationship. The ex may be manipulative, but she made a choice to leave you. Good bad or otherwise, there was not enough feeling in her for you to stay. Instead of parenting she makes accusations so you will back down on reasonable expectations. You have no real support network. And it sounds like she's totally running the show, running your life and you don't trust her. Not someone I'd be pleased to have beside me at the drivers wheel in my life.
You don't want leave, I get it. But if she doesn't want to change, and she doesn't seem like she's had any incentive to so far so why would she, you staying will mean just more of this forever. Cause remember, those three children who aren't being parented? It's unlikely that they will become self sufficient adults and they won't be disappearing at 18.
Why are you still with this
Why are you still with this woman? Cleary she wants to be with her ex. SHE LEFT YOU TO GO BACK TO HIM. She's only with you because he dumped her again.
You are not her first choice. Her first choice is her ex. You are just the one she's settling for since she can't have the one she truly wants.
This has to be driving your family insane. That woman has no respect for you at all. It is beyond time to man up and walk away from her.
Go find a woman who WANTS to be with you. One who will love and respect you. One who will not require you to place your balls in the bottom of her purse.
'matthall' when I first read
'matthall' when I first read your rant I supposed you were looking for help in getting out but from reading your replies to most of the responses you've gotten I now believe you're thinking with your dick. I cannot see any other reason for a guy to want and stay with this woman and its not like I'm pointing my finger. Doing exactly that is what caused me to make the only mistake in my life I'm seriously sorry for - marrying my first wife.
Except for those suggesting ways to avoid or clean up food droppings everyone has told you to run like hell and most if not all of them are female. THEY KNOW. Either leave or accept your future which will be exactly the same as your recent past - only a lot longer.
"If I put my foot down, we
"If I put my foot down, we fight. If I don't, I get walked on."
This is only going to get worse I know from experience no amount of you being an honorable human being will change the way she's treating you which is completely shitty. She needs a wake up call. Go do something for yourself you aren't married to her and she's not treating you like her partner at all. I'm familiar with this as I'm struggling with it now myself. I've read over some of your posts and we seem to be quite a bit a like. Very giving people that are patient and positive and etc etc. This is not our problem as we let them make it ours. It is NOT. You're going to be and probably are already broken hearted and defeated and just all out miserable. If this were a friend of yours it was happening to I'm pretty sure you'd be pissed for that friend and want them out of there. To stop being toyed with and disrespected and just pretty much treated like a door mat in the trash.
I know you love her, I love my SO too but no amount of our love will change them, esp if our behaviors stay the same. One day it WILL be too much for you. WAYYYY too much and even with improvements what if something happens to you in your life where you need the support and energy that you've given to her and the kids? Find some good friends/ church or otherwise that are also GIVING people that can be true friends to you. People like us give and give and get nothing and are left feeling unloved, unwanted and discarded. Love yourself enough to make those friendship(s) and build your support team b/c you're going to need it. She has nothing of support she can give to you she will take you forgranted over and over and when it REALLY REALLY MATTERS more than any other time when YOU are in a hard place more so than her when it's your health or heart or job etc on the line... she will be no where to be found but giving you the same treatment or crumbs just enough to keep you on a rope.
I pray for you to have strength and courage and hope that you find support soon.
The main question is, are you
The main question is, are you happy with how things are going now? People do not change unless they want to change, and normally it is for their own selfish reasons. If you are unhappy with you life before you get married, expect no changes, unless they get worse. At this point in your relationship, most people are still on their best behavior. Can you imagine what your life will be like after the honeymoon phase is over? Get out while you still can. There are a ton of women out their looking for a nice guy to love, have a family, and grow old with. You deserve better.
So she leaves you to go back
So she leaves you to go back to her ex and then she lies to you about the forms in which contact is being had between herself and ex and you are still marrying her?
Seriously stop stop stop. Do not marry her, put a hault on any and all wedding plans until your home life is in a half decent situation.
Personally I would be more inclined to believe your best option here is to get out, and thats not because Im being mean, I usually hate it when people say that to people on here but you have a fiance that has essentially cheated on you with the one person that you can never cut out of your lives, the kids biological father, and now she is lying to you about contact with him?! This man is never going to go away, he is always going to be there and he is always going to know that he managed to twist her around and get her running back to him not only that but YOU took her back afterwards. You seriously want to marry and settle with some sleazebags sloppy seconds? I mean damn step kids are one thing to deal with, but when combined with a partner who clearly isnt over their ex why do that to yourself?