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What about the good stuff?

matthall1701's picture

Submitted by matthall1701 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 9:53am

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Bio Child Free Zone

I know this is the place where stepparents come to vent. There are a lot of unfortunate situations being discussed here and I will be praying for hope and healing for all of them. Unfortunately, there is often a lot of negativity...

This topic may not get much of a response, but I just wanted to see if anyone wanted to share the good things about their step kids. You know, the little things that make you happy that they are a part of your lives. Your SO too. What made you get into these relationships? What made them great?

I'll start -

My SO is the best. When we fight, we have really bad fights, but we always come back to each other and sometimes some really great make-up sex follows. We met on Match.com and talked for a couple of weeks then finally met face to face for our first date at a wine bar. We were instantly drawn to each other.
We are an excellent fit for each other. We have been more spontaneous since we have met, much more than we ever had been before. She is extremely smart and has a goofy sense of humor that makes me fall in love with her every time she laughs. The hardest part of my day is leaving her to come to work.

SS8 is smart as a whip, despite his recent problems with school. He picks up on how people are feeling and is always there to try to cheer us up and make us laugh. He is independent, but never forgets to come tell me and his mom that he loves us.

SS7 reminds me a little of me at that age. He's a gamer nerd who is into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, and Nintendo (I would have never guessed 20 years ago that these things would still be around today). His sensitivity, when he is not being overly so, makes him a great older brother to his little sister. He plays with her and is usually very gentle with her. They watch cartoons together and it melts my heart. Ocassionally, he even tells me that I'm "the best dad ever".

SD2...this little girl is so pretty and charismatic. I hate to see her cry (really cry...not the fake crying, I've learned to tell the difference). Every once in a while, she likes to climb in my lap when I'm watching tv. She will tell me "I love you" and just sit there with me watching tv.

Despite our problems (yes, OUR problems...I know that I have them too, not perfect), we are a family. I'm grateful and thank God for being this blessed.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 10:00am

SO and I have been having a great 2014 so far. I really feel married. I feel that we are on the same page. That things are going good. No issues, no drama. I feel the love and the peace in the home.

(now that I just wrote that, and put it out there, there will be drama now.....)

Hmmmm good things about the skids. Hmmm.... ummmm....well.... umm... OSD and MSD have really cute babies. They are really cute. Let's see..... ummm..... I dont mind SS that much. I actually like seeing him and how he is doing...... as for the girl skids...ummm..yeah I have nothing... Sorry....

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 10:03am

What you've written is beautiful. Actually, you remind me of my husband (we met under similar circumstances and are wonderful together - in that way that is so special because we both learned from our past relationships how to be better spouses.)

For the first five years of our relationship, I could've written things very similar to what you've written about your step kids. I really, truly hope that you will always have that bond with them. For many of us though, especially stepmoms, things just change as the kids get older - and no matter how bad the bio mom is, the kids ultimately turn back to her. Some can make it work, but often it's an uphill battle.

My husband and I still have the most wonderful relationship, even seven years later... I still get goosebumps when I know he's on his way home...

matthall1701's picture

Submitted by matthall1701 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 10:11am

Yeah, I know things are going to change as the skids get older. They are going to start questioning what happened with their dad and have a lot of unresolved issues about him. The boys may start to challenge me and SD, well, she has her moments where she does.

But there is always hope. All I can do is the best that I can for them and try to be what they need. We cannot control who they eventually become, so all we can do is love them, set the right example, and pray that they make good choices amidst the confusion of growing up.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 10:11am

This is a great idea!!!

I think it helps in the tough times!

My share,
My SS8 is really creative and sweet, he asks for me to tuck him into bed even when I think he doesn't like me much that day. He hugs me super tight and we have really worked and improved a lot on boundaries. I remember the first swim practice of his I went to, he was so excited to have visitors. I even got a little teary eyed, in disbelief that his BM would miss out on this little kids life. He really is a great kid. His art work is so awesome and I have a picture he made hanging on my office wall. He told his cousins that I met over the holidays when they asked "is she your mom?" (they've never met his real mom) and he said. "She's my step mom and my super hero"
He saves the special notes that I give him for his lunch box.

I enjoy when we all cuddle together and watch a show or travel together, he's really good in the car. He's at the age that he's still super cuddly and he wants me to play with him.
When we tuck him in at night and he says "you're the best daddy and (my name) EVER!" Sometimes when he hugs me under his breath he calls me mama. One day I fell asleep while he was playing and he covered me with a blanket and said "you're the best mommy ever" and "i'm your little teddy bear". I wanted to cry. It was so great.

No matter the challenges I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm glad you brought the positives to the attention of the site. I'm on here b/c it's hard if someones not in the same situation when you have a problem or need to vent or need encouragement. A lot of people are like "just give up" but they are your FAMILY. It might be difficult sometimes but it's Family.

my spouse is a great dad and a great guy life has been hard on him and he still keeps going. We work thru our problems and things always improve. There's been so much over the last year that's changed for the better.

sending positive vibes!

matthall1701's picture

Submitted by matthall1701 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 10:29am

That's awesome!!! Yeah, maybe the best therapy is to remember how truly great FAMILY can be and how rewarding the effort is. I hate that there are so many obstacles for a lot of people, but you take the good with the bad.

I came here for the same reasons and find the "get out now" comments discouraging. How can it ever be that easy when you are in the relationship you're in because you love someone?

Thank you for sharing! It's encouraging to read what you said and I'm sure it will to others as well.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 11:09am

Well...

DH is a wonderful man. We met at a weird time as BM drug out the divorce forever and we met towards the end of the court hearings, and then she refused to sign the decree for 8 months so that she could have insurance. We have had our fights and ups and downs more than I think most that have been together the length of time we have - but as he says we have to cram a year worth of home stress and joy into 6 months. He has his downfalls, and is has severe ADHD with anger being the result of frustration. I am the brunt of most of the frustration but once he calms down I always get an apology. He truly is a sweet man even if a lot of the time it does not show. He cooks most of the time he is home as I work 80 miles away, and even if I work from home he says I do it for 3 weeks (He works offshore 3 on/ 3 off) while he is gone so I shouldn't have to...and if he can tell I'm exhausted or out of it will even do the dishes. He tries to always make time for us on a nightly basis, this past time we started cuddling on the couch together before our normal shower together - something we have done since we first moved in and he hates if we can't do it as it is more or less our time to semi talk through the day and let stresses wash away. He always comes to bed with me unless there is company, or some reason I decided to lay down early. He get up to go work on something once I'm asleep, or I will fall asleep to him searching on Craigslist but he always comes to spend time with me initially. With him working offshore we are assured an emotional night everytime he leaves, which usually ends up very sweet hearing about how he is happy he is no longer doing over time (He had to do overtime to get away from BM and to afford basics ass she would overspend while he was gone), and he actually has dreams to get off the barge and come home. It is really refreshing when he is gone though we miss each other to not have to talk about SS a lot and just us. The first night he doesn't get in until 11pm-1am so it is a late night but much cuddles and sweet talk, along with sleeping in together which is honestly probably my best part as I love being able to wake up to him stealing the covers that first day. I dunno I feel so sappy right now - My DH really is amazing even through the ups and downs. I am hoping that nothing can be as hard as what we have dealt with, though I know the worst isn't over we at least have the our footing together again.

SS5 - He will be 6 in March and really is a good kid. He is a kind and caring kid. He can be a little jerk at times but most of it is when he first arrives back from BM. He is all about helping other peoples even creating the last fight between BM because he asked me to help get his teacher a birthday present. He is a smart kid, sometimes to smart for his own good but also just truly smart as he ask many questions about how stuff works, etc. He can be manipulating but it is mainly because he wants attention and if I call him out he typically tells me he just wanted attention he was feeling left out but didn't want to hurt my feelings. The majority of the time he is Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am witout a worry and super respectful - again has his issues when he returns or is around BM. He doesn't get in much trouble and if he does most of it is minor. I really feel lucky that that for the most part he truly is a good child and many of his issues are small and result from BM.

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 11:18am

Thank you for sharing! It really is wonderful in those small moments, going to bed together, showering together.

Smile

"He can be manipulating but it is mainly because he wants attention and if I call him out he typically tells me he just wanted attention he was feeling left out but didn't want to hurt my feelings. The majority of the time he is Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am witout a worry and super respectful - again has his issues when he returns or is around BM. He doesn't get in much trouble and if he does most of it is minor. I really feel lucky that that for the most part he truly is a good child and many of his issues are small and result from BM." - Ours too. He's gotten better about being honest about why and communicating instead of acting out. It seems like it's an ADHD thing. When we talked to him about it now it's improved A LOT. Good luck to you guys. Smile

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 11:31am

Que?

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Mon, 02/10/2014 - 11:53am

*

Calypso1977's picture

Submitted by Calypso1977 on Thu, 01/30/2014 - 1:00pm

my fiance is a great guy. we laugh alot and enjoy getting together with friends, traveling, etc. we share equally in the chores. we were friends first; i think we really hit it off as we discovered that we were so similar in personality and as we talked more realized how similar our marriages were. we often joke that our ex-spouses shoudl get together as they are so much alike (although now that ive really seen BM's true colors teh past few months, id never want her to get with my ex who is actually a decent guy).

as for SD13....i am sadly at a point where i cant find one positive thing to say about her. i wish i could, but i can't.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 02/01/2014 - 11:18pm

You have realized what apparently few Sparents do. I agree that being a family with your partner and Skids can be an amazing blessing.

My wife and I met when SS-21 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I raised him as my own and being his dad is one of the most fullfilling aspects of my life.

Not that it was not without challenges.

Keep the positive focus. You are going to need it at some point.

Best regards,

HikeCycler's picture

Submitted by HikeCycler on Tue, 02/04/2014 - 6:22pm

SO (we're not married yet) takes NO CRAP from BM and he has good control over her and their situation. He's the boss.

SO is, BY FAR, a better parent than BM.

SO is a VERY MATURE and RESPONSIBLE father.

SO will take a bullet for me in a heart-beat.

SO loves me like no one else ever has!

SO has been divorced from BM for about 9 years now, so SO's SON doesn't really remember his parents being together; he knows nothing else other than them being apart. Which is good, IMO, because I'll never be blamed by anyone for SO and BM not being together. Smile

SO's SON (age 11) really, really likes me.

SO's SON calls me Bonus Mom sometimes!

SO's SON is generally a good kid, even though he's screwing up in math- lol.

There's a ton more I could say about my SO. I love him so much and have very few complaints Smile

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Fri, 02/07/2014 - 4:03pm

This made me smile. Thanks Smile
and I really like your quote at the bottom

"I'm afraid of a world full of people who never taught their kids compassion."

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sat, 02/08/2014 - 12:10pm

I am happy to see that others are having positive outcomes, and it isn't all "bad" stuff. Hope springs eternal, for all of you at least!

In my case, I have nothing particularly positive to say about either skid and their lack of relationship with me. I never got to really know them as they wouldn't let me (coaching from BM probably behind that) plus they were in their difficult early teen years. Now I'm disengaged since they are adults.

I will say that SS was always kind to my dogs - he would scratch them and pet them. (SD never even did that.)

That's about all of a "relationship" that either of them developed towards me or mine.

Some dog scratching. Not much for ten years, is it?