Need to vent: DH still doesn't get it.
My DH and his Ex have a fairly decent way of dealing with each other when it comes to the kids. My skids are not horrible children, they are teenagers but no worse than your average teenager. BM and I get along fine, the skids and I get along fine. I just want to clear that up before I rant.
Their arrangement for holidays is to take turns each year. This year is BMs Christmas with the girls. We all live in the same town and no one is going out of town for the holidays.
I have been talking about what I'm looking forward to with my DH for weeks. I have been having conversations with him about the things we could do over the holiday weekend. We have some small plans that are easy and relaxing.
A couple of days ago I asked him to go over with me the schedule (as it pertains to the girls) so that I can confirm some plans with some family members. He tells me that it's not set in stone yet but that it looks like the girls will be dropped of at their mom's on Christmas Eve (today, Thursday), we will pick them up again on Christmas after their family dinner with their mom (Friday), then we will drop them back off to hers on Saturday as he has a gig that night, then we will pick them up again on Sunday as we've committed to going to my mom's for my family holiday thing (which, of course, they're invited to).
This seems crazy to me. So I waited for a quiet time yesterday to say to him: "You know it's her year to have the girls for Christmas, why don't we let her have them Thu, Fri, Sat and we'll do our Christmas thing with them on Sunday before my mom's thing?" He replied: "That sounds fine, I have no problem with that. I'll be confirming with her during the pick up today anyway."
So he comes home with the girls yesterday evening and I asked him privately: "what was the consensus for the schedule this weekend." To which point he described the same flip flop I mentioned above. Now I'm peeved. Why are we doing this to them, to ourselves, to her? It's ridiculous! So I asked nicely "did you offer her the thu, fri, sat that we talked about?" He said "well, yeah. I think she still feels like it's weird for the girls not to see both of their parents on Christmas."
I don't know if I believe him, I suspect she nicely offered him time on Christmas and he took it. I say this because he then added: "You know, it's just easier for me to decide with her on the spot when we're exchanging the kids without agonizing over it for days." I turned to him and said: "I'm sure it is darling! I'm sure it's much simpler not to consult your wife, or take her suggestions. I'm sure it's much more convenient for you and your ex to make the decisions together without considering your new partners."
Damn it! I know I'm being selfish! I just wanted a quiet Christmas with some time for the two of us! Not only that though, how crazy is it to flip flop the kids like that over the holidays! 
I'm trying to keep myself from tripping over this, I realize this is a high class set of problems. I am just so effing sick and tired of not being considered, of my suggestions being brushed aside, of being outright told that my wants don't matter.
Oh man I feel for you. That
Oh man I feel for you. That schedule is crazy. So much picking up and dropping off :? How,old are the skids?
My SO and BM had this type of schedule in the beginning SD was 11 and it was all on her whim where she wanted to be. Or when BM wanted to get rid of her. I finally got SO to see a schedule works better for everyone especially the kids.
How can you or skids really enjoy Christmas with so much running around. Even if your close by each other.
They are 14 and 16. They
They are 14 and 16. They couldn't give a rats a$$ if they don't see both of their parents on Christmas day. That was the lamest thing I think he's ever said. They see both of their parents nearly everyday. WTF!!!!!! I am really steaming here.
Amen. Similar situation here.
Amen. Similar situation here. I'm five years in and we've had the kids for at least a half day EVERY Thanksgiving...or their mom has. IE if thanksgiving falls on our weekend, she gets a few hours with them and if it falls on hers, we get a couple hours...meaning I've never been able to make plans with my out of town family. We've also had them EVERY Spring Break...even though many people in my family are in education, so it would be the perfect time for me to see them.
I hate all the back and forth so that both parents see them EVERY holiday. We live five minutes away and their school is right next to our house...and they're teens and drive now...so we see them all the time. What ends up happening is we split up every holiday...and then my husband still has work and the skids make plans to work or be with their friends...and my time is kind of "on hold" for the holidays so that we can spend time together "as a family" when the skids can manage to fit it in...
I've started just putting the things I care about on the calendar and going about my schedule whether kids are here or not...and I've finally been able to make it clear to my husband that I would like to spend a Thanksgiving with my family WITHOUT his kids next year...and he's agreed. I'm so happy. (One year, it was our weekend with the kids and I wanted to go celebrate with my family...so the "compromise" was that I drove up on my own and was there for the meal...and then DH and skids drove up together after they'd had a half-day at their mom's. Effing ridiculous).
It is effing ridiculous.
It is effing ridiculous. Trust me, my DH and I have been talking about this Christmas together for months. He agreed too that it was going to be nice to have a little time together. Don't be surprised if your Thanksgiving plans for next year get effed up because our DHs are *&^*%()&^$&*%*%$*^
I totally disagree. This
I totally disagree. This isn't how it always is...they go every other year and it's not their year. She's not asking her husband to not see his kids...just to stick to the plans that they made together months ago. He's the one changing plans and throwing a wrench in things.
OP - are you bio-free? I'm assuming so from your post. I'm bio-free, too, and I think we have it the toughest at holidays. I often feel like, since I / we don't have kids, I get the leftovers...like I have to sneak away and steal scraps of time with my own family. I know it's always tough deciding where to spend the holidays, and every couple has to compromise a lot...take turns. But when one partner has kids and the other doesn't...it's this huge imbalance of power. Like, my DH can (and does) say: "the kids need to be able to spend time with their paternal grandparents / aunts and uncles / cousins and here's when my extended family is planning to meet up this year..."
This is what happens every year. I wait for my DH to firm up plans with BM, skids, his family...then I let my huge family know (I'm the oldest of six kids) and ALL OF THEM try to come up with a plan that accommodates us / his kid schedule. So...yeah. When skids change their minds on a whim or DH wants more time and it cuts into my plans...I get angry. And it has nothing to do with me wanting to run his life or keep him from his kids.
Yes... But my point is that
Yes... But my point is that bio-free SMs have family connections that matter, too. Just because we don't have kids doesn't mean we should ALWAYS be the ones who are flexible and compromising. Kids aren't some giant trump card that excuse you from being considerate to your spouse and sticking to your word and your plans.
You're essentially saying that, since he has kids, he should be allowed to change up their mutually agreed upon plans at any tine with little to no notice. Why? Apply that to any other relationship and it seems utterly ridiculous...as it is.
"Hey, honey. I know we agreed weeks ago that we'd be spending the holidays together and then travel to see your family. But my sister called and offered me extra time with my nieces and nephews over the weekend, so I'll be doing that instead."
The spouse would have every right to be frustrated...hurt...confused.
I don't see how any of this
I don't see how any of this is ridiculous. I am incredibly flexible and supportive of my husband's relationship with his kids...and I have a good, sometimes great, relationship with them, too. It seems to me that the OP is the same.
It's not whiny or inflexible to feel like you should get a turn once in a while...or to think that plans should be at least somewhat clear and firm. That's just basic respect. It's what would be expected if the kids belonged to both partners...it's what would be expected if neither partner had kids. So why is it considered optional if one of the partners has kids and the other doesn't? You're being illogical.
Sueu, Do you have your own
Sueu, Do you have your own children?
PS - If I misread OP's post
PS - If I misread OP's post and this is how it always is...then it shouldn't be this way. Why shuffle FOUR times over the course of one holiday weekend? That makes no sense for anyone and would completely ruin the holidays for he...and likely for the kids. If DH really wants to see the kids Christmas Day, I would understand that and be up for a visit for a couple of hours. But why on Saturday and Sunday, too?
PPS - I also get along great with BM...but sometimes...gah!!! I just found out last night when I took SD15 out to look for something for her mom that BM stopped by SD's work yesterday for a sandwich...and to "invite" her to go see a movie on Christmas Day. For weeks, the plan has been that the kids will go to their mom's for her family thing...and then we'll have them Christmas Day...our presents in the morning...then to my mom's for a brunch and present exchange. I've been asking DH and skids for weeks if the skids want to do my mom's thing...or if they want to see their mom on Christmas Day. They've not really ever given me a clear, straight answer...but have implied that they'll do whatever DH and I are doing. So I told my family to expect them (ie get them gifts). I really don't care if they go to my mom's or not...they get along well with my family and are generally good kids, but they're not really close...but now I'm worried that this movie plan will be used as an excuse to cut into my time with my family...a time that was chosen specifically to accommodate DH and skids.
I think OP is likely dealing with a lot of this same inconsiderate behavior and is just tired of it.
I have no problem with my
I have no problem with my husband wanting to see his children at ANY TIME! What I have a problem with is his mealy mouthed crap where he tells me what he thinks I want to hear, pretends to agree with me, jointly makes plans with me, then does whatever the F he wants to do anyway. I completely realize that his situation is tough, he has me, his ex, two teenage daughters and a host of other women (sisters, MIL, SIL etc) that he thinks he must please. At the end of the day, though, who is he married to? I do not whine, I do not yell, I do not complain to him about many of these things. I draw the line, however, at telling me we're doing one thing and then changing it to suit him and/or his ex KNOWING WHAT I TOLD HIM I WOULD LIKE. MORE IMPORTANTLY though, in this case, how is this flip flopping beneficial in any way to the girls? It's disjointed, it adds unnecessary transitions for them (which is stressful for kids) and it gives no one real quality time with each other. I am flexible, I am the most flexible in this house every single day. I go with the flow, I take care of my own needs, I do not ask for much. I come here to vent my frustrations so that I do not commit murder. He tells me all the time how grateful he is to have someone so easy going and patient. I can only take so much. Thank you for your constructive criticism and honest feedback. I can feel as selfish as I want, that doesn't mean I act on it. I have feelings that I need to express sometimes. I use this forum to get them off my chest in a healthy way so as not to hurt anyone.
He sounds passive
He sounds passive aggressive... Check out the definition of it on google and it describes a way of operating which is a covert form of control and emotional manipulation. My DH is pretty extreme with it and it's exhausting staying one step ahead of things when you never feel completely included in his life... Always placed carefully on the outskirts allowed to look in from time to time.
He is never going to change.
He is never going to change. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make your own plans and stick to them. That way you are not on BM's time table.
No kidding, I usually am good
No kidding, I usually am good at that. I just do my own thing and let them be. Even though it's my motto "an expectation is a premeditated resentment", I find myself looking forward to something (crazy right?) and being disappointed by my DH's lack of consideration.
We rotate the skids for each
We rotate the skids for each holiday - one Christmas with their mother, next one with us, same with Thanksgiving , Fourth of July etc. Would this be something you could agree on ?
That's exactly what they had
That's exactly what they had agreed to.