IMO, I guess since her biomom isn't actively involved in her life and she calls you mom by choice, you should feel comfortable treating her as your own. If attitudes change, discuss it with fiance or the girl herself. You shouldn't have to feel OBLIGATED to be her parent and since your fiance is her BIOparent, don't let him off the hook with not disciplining or caring for his own child and expecting you to do all the work. But if you feel comfortable with taking on the role of a mother to her then by all means, go for it!

If you're going to parent this kid I'd get some book on parenting girls. Amazon.com is full of them - browse around and see what appeals. Look at the star ratings others haven given.

I'm worried about bio-mommy showing up. Children should be aware of their background, especially adopted ones. Make sure she is reminded of her bio-mother in age appropriate language occasionally. However:

There is what is called a step-parent adoption whereby you can adopt this kid if it gets to this point. You then become the kids legal mother and if bio-mom shows up she will have lost all legal claim on the kid. Abandonment is the legal underpinning of this action in family court.

But that's a few years off if ever, just want you to be aware of it. Meanwhile considering the absence of her mother go ahead with this. BUT don't have children with this guy for 2 years to make sure this is a workable marriage. You do not want to add another child to the mix only to have the marriage break up. Having children does NOT help a marriage - it only adds strain and if its already in bad shape it can kill off a marriage very quickly.

I would tread very lightly on taking on the mom role so soon. Just because your fiance is saying he wants that now, things could change. That is what happened to me. My DH said that we wanted me to be the "mom" in our house (even though the biomom is somewhat in the picture). He said he wanted my help with parenting as he was overwhelmed with doing it all on his own for 4 years. It went well at first, I set boundaries and routines for SS9 and DH supported me. However, things began to change when SS9 pushed back (as kids do) and DH started to see my "parenting" as too strict or expecting too much (I know it is crazy to expect a kid to have a bedtime and do his homework). Anyway, it all blew up in my face and now my DH rarely supports me and overly coddles his son. It has caused a huge strain in our marriage.

My advice to you would be to be supportive and encouraging to you fiance and give him advice/your opinion on how you would set boundaries, etc...but let him be the enforcer. Don't take on that role unless you are 100% confident that is what your finace wants and is going to support you and treat you as an equal "parent".

I am all about equity life partners being equity parents to any kids in the marital home regardless of the biology of the kids. However, my spider sense is peaked by your DH's comments that you deal with SD better than he does and that he wants you to step in a be mom. Yes, you certainly are her mom. She knows it and calls you mom at her discretion, your DF knows and you know it.

However, you can't let DF abdicate his parental responsibility because it is easier to let you parent and discipline the Skid or because he does not want to be the bad guy. Daddy needs to stay involved and not pawn his parental responsibility off on you.

All IMHO of course.

I tried sitting on the sidelines three years ago when I moved in with my now DH. Honestly, that didn't work for me. I found myself getting irritated that DH was so wishy washy with expectations and rules. I then (never in front of sd) began to have discussions with DH about his wishy washy ways and how kids use this to take advantage of adults. It wasn't fair for me to get irritated with DH about it if he didn't know how I was feeling. After my feelings were made clear he made much better attempts at following through when SD needed to be punished or reprimanded about something.

We are now at the point where foundations have been set and expectations have been made clear on all parts. We have house rules and general rules for how people (adults and kids alike) should act. I have no problem disciplining SD when she is km my care because there are no questions about rules/expectations.

Here is the best advice I can give you: you are an adult and you deserve the respect that an adult should be receiving. It does NOT matter if you have birth to her or not. Kids NEED consistency and boundaries. The relationship between my SD and I and my DH and I is by no means perfect and we do have our moments, but I can say we have come a long way in three years and if I still felt towards SD and DH's parenting the way that I did then, I wouldn't still be here.

DH and I plan to start trying for a baby within the next month or so. We have had MANY talks about our philosophies of parenting and parent/child interaction, rules, boundaries, morals, etc. This has helped immensely with dealing with SD. We both deal with her in the same way and she receives the same respect from both of us, just the way that our child will.

Every family is different and what works for some doesn't work for others. Whatever feels right most likely is.

I would move very slowly, BD has had her and is saying you handle her better, WHY because he didn't do a very good job, she is probably Daddy's girl. She is testing you. He needs to enforce the rules so when he is away she knows how to act. She is young but will know how to manipulate she has had a lot of practice with Dad. She may come to resent you if you push too hard. Someday you will her, "Well my Dad...."