1 year married and baby mama still doesn't know who wife is
I've been kept a secret.
This is my first post. I've tried to find advice from other places but I can't seem to find anything relatable. After a year of knowing my husband (let's call him Joe) and his 2 girls (I've accepted them as my own but for the sake of not getting confused I will refer to them as "his" girls) from a previous relationship, we got married and have been married for a little over a year now. I started dating him when he was going through a custody battle. The mother of the girls (let's call her Sara) has no idea I exist. The girls live with us and see their mother every other Sunday. It use to be every other weekend which is what Sara wanted in court but she cut it down to only Sunday's outside of court. Before I met Joe, him and Sara were living together and co parenting but not in a relationship. Something happened (probably a fight or something) and the mom lied to Joe about where she was going with the girls. She ended up packing up her belongings and leaving with the girls to her sisters home without telling anyone. Joe freaks out that his girls are missing but the police can't do anything about it because they know the girls are somewhere with the mom so Joe lawyers up. They go through a custody battle (around this time I start dating him) and that's where visitation rights were given. Joe never asked for child support even though he's was made the custodial parent. Things started getting tense and Sara was getting petty over little things. For example, when the girls would visit their mom we would send them with nice clothes. The mom would keep the nice clothes and send them back with old clothes that sometimes wouldn't fit them right or even have a hole in them. Since then Joe started sending the girls with the same clothes that Sara would send them in. Sara got upset and soon after decided she wanted to take Joe to court for child support. It backfired on her because the judge decided that SHE needed to pay Joe child support. Another example is when tax season came and she asked to claim the girls or to get a part of his refund. Joe politely refused because he's the custodial parent and the girls live with us 95% of the time. Sara got upset and said she can get a court order for Joe to share his tax refund. Joe ignored her and she didn't bring it up again. Yet another example is when it's time for Sara to pick up the girls on Sunday she always claims something happens to her car so my husband has to drop them off and then also pick them up.
I live in a big family house with my husband, his 2 girls, his parents and his sister. Me and Joe have spoken about how Sara might react if she finds out that he got married. Joe never wanted to marry Sara even when they were together for around 10 years. He has told me that he never really loved her and never wanted to marry anyone until he met me. His family members have also confirmed this with me. As of lately Sara hasn't been bothering. We love that the girls get to stay home with us the majority of the time. Joe fears that if Sara finds out he's married that she will take it out on the children. Joe thinks that Sara might get petty again and decide she wants to see the girls Saturday AND Sunday again instead of only Sunday's. I understand that and also think the same. That is why I have not ever pushed him to tell her anything about me.
MY PROBLEM IS....today was one of the girls elementary school graduation (lets call her daisy). The mother has never been to any other of the girls events after the custody battle ended. No school concerts, shows, recitals, or anything. Sara wanted to be at Daisy's graduation but so did I. I've worked hard with Daisy and her school work. Joe came to the conclusion that I should stay home for the sake of the girls because he doesn't want Sara to find out about me and take it out on the girls and be upset at them for not telling her. I was so heartbroken because not only he believed this but so did his parents and sister. I had no one on my side. Seeing my Daisy graduate was a big deal and I didn't want to miss it. I'm Christian and we believe that God set the priorities to be God first, then your spouse and then your children. When you put your children before your spouse you are putting your marriage in jeopardy. Children need a good example of a happy and healthy marriage. There needs to be order and balance. I had no problem being non existent to Sara until it meant I had to miss Daisy's graduation. Me and my husband argued and I ended up going to the graduation but staying in the back. Luckily Sara left the graduation early and I was able to take pictures and stuff after the graduation.
I personally feel that as soon as me and Joe were getting serious he should have mentioned me because Sara has the right to know who her girls are staying with. However things were messy and Joe didn't want Sara to keep the girls from him or be angry at the girls. Me and Joe are not on good terms now. My feelings were crushed when he brought up the idea of me staying home for the graduation. He put his girls before me, his wife. I'm upset at him (and his parents and sister) but I understand them. However I still feel it wasn't right. What should I do? This situation has affected our marriage and I really don't feel close to him right now. I'm putting on a happy face in front of the girls because I don't want them to get sad. Please help me. I need help 
I'd be mad...
...like you are some dirty little secret
That's how I feel sometimes.
That's how I feel sometimes. But I try to remind myself that his mentality is to protect his girls. Which are now my girls too.
He's not protecting his
He's not protecting his children. He is protecting BM's feelings and his own comfort and peace. While sacrificing you!
They think BM will be pissy? Imagine how pissy she will be when she finds out her kids lied to her...for YEARS?
Honestly, are you going to be kept a secret FOREVER? When the girls get married is he gonna make you stay home then too?
That's a good point to bring
That's a good point to bring up to him. Still haven't spoken to him yet. But when I'm ready I will remember your comments. Thank you.
Has it occurred to Joe that
Has it occurred to Joe that expecting his daughters to keep your existence a secret is not something children should have to deal with?
Joe chose to have children (out of wedlock, I might add) with BM. It is HIS job to deal with the fallout of that. Joe thought he was doing right by avoiding conflict, but that was a short term solution. He is not living honestly or honoring your marriage by walking on eggshells to accommodate his crazy ex. He lied through omission, involved his daughters in the conspiracy, and hurt you in the process.
How long does Joe expect to keep this deceit going? Does he have a plan for bringing you out of the closet? As his daughters age there will be many events and celebrations you will be excluded from, just to keep BM happy. Has Joe considered this?
Ignore your in laws. They are enablers who apparently don't care much about your feelings. Joe needs to apologize to you, announce to all that you are married, and deal with whatever fallout comes. Yes, BM may ramp up her crazy for a while, but Joe can help his daughters cope with that. He owes them an apology too, but at least he'll be modeling how to own one's mistakes and behave with integrity. It could be a teachable moment for the whole family.
I really believe he's hiding
I really believe he's hiding being married for the girls sake and not for the BM. I am ignoring the in laws. They have known the girls since they were in their mothers womb. Of course they are going to go with the option of protecting their feelings over mine. I haven't really spoken to them but they go to church almost every Sunday and they should know a spouse comes before their children. I kind of want to rub that in their faces but I know that isn't right. I don't want to come across as selfish but I rather be right with my marriage and happy instead of having to hear my girls ask "why is mommy crying?". The older one of the girls heard me and Joe have a big fight once and we had to start her on therapy. These girls are fragile and I love them. I feel bad that if I'm known they will suffer but if I'm upset in my marriage they will notice that too and also suffer seeing another relationship fall apart. It's sad.
Do you go to church with them?
If you all go to church as a family then maybe you could ask the priest his oppinion and for help with this. If his oppinion is favorable towards revealing you then you have someone on your side.
Thank you
Thank you
I can't even imagine how to
I can't even imagine how to keep knowledge of a marriage from children who live with you. They don't see any body who knows about the marriage? You made plans, arrangements, and got married and they saw none of it? How did you manage this?
You have 3 choices: 1. Put your foot down now and insist he acknowledge you as his wife. 2. Get used to being excluded and resign yourself to it. 3. Divorce and make his life the truth.
How do I put my foot down
How do I put my foot down without seeming selfish? I'm pretty sure if I go demanding him to have an adult conversation to the birth mother about me he would say I'm being selfish and not thinking about how the birth mother might treat the girls differently. Or he would say it's not the right time yet. And then he'd probably call me impatient and turn this around and make me look like the bad guy :(
Putting your foot down on
Putting your foot down on being acknowledged as his wife isn't being selfish. That is just facts. Being selfish is asking 2 young children to lie to their mother for over a year. He is teaching his kids to lie to parents. Don't tell me that when they aren't teens they won't use these awesome lying powers that dearest daddy has taught them and use them to lie to you and your husband- it is what teens do and you guys are teaching them to be pros!
Lying to parents is never ok. BM will be mad but proabably more so because her children were told to lie to her. That is going to be the #1 issue. Expect to be back in court over the lying, expect counseling to be court ordered. What your husband is doing is morally wrong.
I think you need to get
I think you need to get radically honest with yourself, stop drinking the Kool-Aid, remove all the dogma and examine the facts:
It is not selfish to want your husband to treat you with dignity and respect. If he has the courage of his convictions, insist he stand up in church next Sunday and admit what he's doing to the congregation. He will be unpleasantly surprised at the reaction.
Or you could tell the ex yourself
Take the bull by the horns and tell her on your own. Maybe take a friend with you.
All of their actions sound incredibly suspicious to me. Erasing any traces of you on the childrens phones especially. It sounds like this isnt only about the girls. Maybe aomething else more serious is going on.
My DH has 2 BMs both of them cray cray. He would never dream of combing the kids phone to keep me secret.
I've thought about telling
I've thought about telling the BM myself. Wouldn't that be disrespectful to my husband, going against his wishes? I know he has disrespected me but that doesn't mean I can do it back at him. That isn't right either. I hope soon he will realize what we've been hiding has to stop. BM has a right to know who her girls are with though. Ahhh so many factors in this mess *help*
Yeah - don't do that!!! That
Yeah - don't do that!!! That will cause a world of hurt. But threaten to maybe?
Maybe :/ thank you
Maybe :/ thank you
it's a pickle
I can totally understand keeping a new relationship on the down low in the midst of a custody battle. But that's over now. And it would take a lot to get that over-turned, especially since she only sees them every other Sunday by HER choice. That's not to say she won't do that, but it would be hard for her to do it. You have to come clean about the relationship and NOW. The longer you wait the harder it will be and the more people will feel hurt and deceived - which they have been.
She wants them every other Saturday and Sunday. Frankly LET HER. She is their mother and they should be spending more time with her. You are NOT their mother. You can never replace her, even if she were to die. You just can't.
Graduation things, etc. Look - you are not their parent. And even though you've done work with 'Daisy' - you are still not their mother. She should have precedence, you should be HAPPY she showed up for the sake of these girls. On the other hand, if you weren't a dirty little secret it would have been easier.
I'm going to give you some religious advice - as a Christian - you should focus on the spirit of kindness and forgiveness and not hold so firmly to the letter. Spouse taking precedence over children is a general principle not an every single case. Sometimes children's needs are a priority over adult wants and sometimes over adult needs. If your child asks for bread, do you give them a stone? Right now you - and Joe - are giving those kids emotional stones.
How to fix this with as litte hurt as possible: Get married again! And soon. Have a wedding where you're not a secret and you can involve the girls and the BM can be informed (not invited). You don't have to mention the previous marriage. But if you think BM doesn't know about your existence at all, well - I suppose it's POSSIBLE - but it's not likely.
All that stuff about clothes - that's just petty and ridiculous (on BM's side) - don't send them in tatty clothes, but don't send them in their best clothes either.
Me and my husband always
Me and my husband always allow her to spend time with the girls. With the short time they spend together you would think she would plan out to go somewhere fun for the girls but most of the time they order pizza and stay at her house. Sometimes she even forgets it's her weekend and gets upset if we don't remind her! Every morning I remind them to text or call their mother. I try really hard to make sure the girls don't forget that Sara is their mother who carried them in her womb for 9 months. They have grown a part from her but recently have started growing back a relationship with Sara. When ever they say something bad about their BM I even punish them and remind them that she didn't leave them. She actually took them along with her when she left and that she loves them. I never want them to say that it's my fault they don't have a relationship with their BM.
OK good - but what about the
OK good - but what about the other points? And frankly if they want to have down time at the house - that's her business.
But saying you don't stop them spending time with her is ridiculous if you're doing this to avoid them spending every other weekend with her.
I've wrote to someone else's
I've wrote to someone else's reply but I think it also applies to your comment to I'll copy and paste.
My husband always encourages BM to take the girls out. Maybe a movie, the park, out for ice cream. When BM decides to just say home, we get a little uncomfortable because it's actually her sisters home and the sister has friends and guys in and out of the house. Also they have a lot of pets and the older one of the girls has asthma and allergies. We don't mind BM spending time with the girls but we want them in a safe environment so that's why we're okay about them only seeing BM Sunday's
Since you already married him
Honestly, after reading your post a couple of times, I highly doubt that BM doesn't know about you. Kids aren't that good at keeping secrets. Your DH still has feelings for BM if his excuse is that he doesn't want to hurt BM's feelings.
He's reassured me that it's
He's reassured me that it's not about her feelings. It's about how she would react and then take it out on the girls in a revengeful way.
She CAN'T!!!!!
She CAN'T just come and take them one day! There is a court order in place!!!! However, given your husband forces his kids to lie about who they are living with, etc. the court may not like that - the longer it goes on the worse it is!
You/your "husband" (I have that in quotes because he doesn't admit it) are SO WRONG in making them lie to their mother! Further, if you really expect them to continue to even tho they are "reconnecting" with her, you are asking for trouble.
Additionally, you asking them to lie about you is going to make them think you are bad, or something is wrong with you being married to their dad. HELLO!?
Multiple people have given you suggestion on how to handle this, but you keep repeating the same nonsense your husband is feeding you.
Do you feel like he is brainwashing you a bit?
Curious?
When he drops off the kids/BM picks them up... Does he take his wedding ring off for her benefit?
No lol I've asked him this
No lol I've asked him this before. And I go with him when he drops off/picks up the girls. I wait in the car though and she can't see me but I can see them. He always wears his ring. I'm pretty sure BM has noticed the ring but never wanted to ask because she doesn't want to seem nosy.
She's noticed the ring...
And if she noticed the ring she knows you are married... unless she asked and he denied it to BM.
This situation is SO FREAKING WEIRD. And I don't think BM is the only one being lied to.
The whole thing is bizarre.
The whole thing is bizarre. Those children should be no part of a lie being told to their mother, including lying by omission.
Afraid that the mother will get upset and exercise her right to Saturday and Sunday visitation? That is also bizarre. She is their mother. If she is unfit to care for the girls for a weekend, then your husband needs to petition the courts to change the visitation structure to supervised visitation. If she is not unfit, then those girls need to spend time with their mother.
I feel sorry for all of you.
That's the perfect word to
That's the perfect word to describe all this. BIZARRE. My husband always encourages BM to take the girls out. Maybe a movie, the park, out for ice cream. When BM decides to just say home, we get a little uncomfortable because it's actually her sisters home and the sister has friends and guys in and out of he house. Also they have a lot of pets and the older one of the girls has asthma and allergies. We don't mind BM spending time with the girls but we want them in a safe environment so that's why we're okay about them only seeing BM Sunday's
Stand up for yourself!
Be a person of integrity and stop participating in this deceit. You are a person in your own right, and answerable for your own misconduct. You know right from wrong.
Demand that your "husband" honor his vows to you. Tell him that you refuse to enable this lie any longer. Let him read the comments on this thread. And seek individual counsel, at least from your pastor of not a therapist.
I just don't understand how
I just don't understand how you kept this "secret" for so long. First of all, kids are not the best secret keepers. And second of all, people talk. With social media and everything, I just don't understand this. Do you and your husband pretend not to be married for the rest of the world??
Also, I would have major issues with the kids lying to mom. That is not healthy. You are actually teaching them that it is okay to hide things. Your DH should have sent BM a quick message or told her that he was getting married. If she didn't like it, too bad. You act like DH believes BM will hurt the girls if she knows. Why would she take DH's marriage out on the kids? If she is that crazy, how does she even have visitaiton?
Something about this situation seems so off to me. My BM is crazy (I mean really crazy). She hated me before the SDs were even born. She told DH that he would never see them again if he married me, and she had full custody at the time. But, my DH put on his big boy pants and told her to stuff it. He told her that she had no say over his life. Did she try to cause problems? Yes, she did. But we pushed through it and now we have custody of one SD. It sounds like your DH needs to man up and stop letting BM have so much control over him.
Doesn't it bother you at all that you are this man's dirty little secret and that his whole family (including the kids) is willing to hide your existence away? If your DH and his family can keep your marriage such a big secret, you have to start wondering what other secrets there are.
The BM was into 'santeria'....
To clarify somethings, me and husband don't have any type of social media. We've been that way even before we met. The only way the BM would find out about me is if the girls tell her, me or my husband tell her or she starts asking the girls teachers or family friends (my husbands family friends don't speak to her after she left with the girls for a week and didn't tell anyone where she took them). She's got a bad rep...
for those who don't know what Santeria is, it's kind of like Spanish Latino witchcraft? It's creepy. My husband never abused either of his girls but when the girls had to speak to the child attorney during the custody battle it was almost like they were in a trance or zombies and they were saying how they want to live with their mom even though they would always express how much they disliked BM and wish they could always stay with their father. Then later they asked the father why he would beat them and DH was confused because he NEVER did. It was almost like BM put false memories into their heads. VERY creepy...
I will most likely speak to my husband tonight and take into consideration all you've said and all your advice.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I felt very alone and felt like no one would see it the way I saw it but now I know I'm not alone and I'm not wrong in the way I feel about this situation. Please pray BM doesn't do anything crazy to the girls though. I would hate for her to run away with them again or doing something dumb like leave the state
I feel like that sounds dramatic but I believe she's the type that would do that...
She CAN'T just take them and leave!
She will become a fugitive suspected of KIDNAPPING. NCP cant just run off with kids. There will be a manhunt for her. Certainly you have seen "Amber Alerts"? I get them on my phone, they are on the news, they are posted on highway signs...
They will grow up....
someday these girls will be talking a LOT more, and they will tell her. My advice is that your dh needs to tell her before they do. This isn't something that can be kept a secret until they are 18. Also, when you walk on eggshells all the time, it will eventually start to take a toll on your emotional health. It's probably more UNhealthy to have the girls keep this secret and in the long run it is teaching them to lie. You deserve to celebrate your marriage, not hide it.
. When you put your children
. When you put your children before your spouse you are putting your marriage in jeopardy. Children need a good example of a happy and healthy marriage.
you are right.
But, what I see here is joe doesn't think it's BM business he married , right . Joe is trying to protect you, right. Joe, is trying to keep freak BM away from his happiness bc she's a demonic drama queen.
'Joe should never discuss you with demon. Bc 1. It's non of her bees wax! 2. That's giving demon a reason to cast a spell. 3. Trust me you don't need a crazy ex around you. 3. You've been the mom , the teacher , the helper. Don't let this ex in.
Take joy in your marriage and talk to joe about how you feel and that it's your right to be present and that you can handle whatever demon hands you. Let him know you're on his side. I think in this case, joe is financially burdened about court dates and is trying to be at peace. I can't say I don't blame him.
our demon was blocked from text, call and email. But my skids are grown. Idk how but the emails go directly to an attorney office. And we are at peace knowing the demon is caged now . But they rear their ugly heads now and then
Time for DH to put hand
Time for DH to put hand between his legs, grab a big handful of balls and man up.
You are his wife and yet you are little more than his back door baby sitter with benefits. He is catering to his toxic baby mama who has him scared shitless and using his daughters as an excuse for his ball-less lack of manhood.
It is time for you to come out of the shadows and be his wife fully, publically and confidently and this is entirely your action to take. DH gets no say. If he so much as grimaces I would suggest that you take him for every penny you can and find a real man to make a life with rather than a simpering coward who uses you.
This guy pisses me off!
