Are my boundaries too rigid?
We are a blended family of 4 children on my dh's side (ages 30,28,23,16) and 2 children on my side (ages 15 & 13). My husband and I built a home together shortly before we were married and included a guest area specifically for his daughter (28 year old) and her boyfriend and their child who live out of state. When this woman - who is generally very sweet and polite and respectful towards me - comes to visit she gives her father absolutely no notice. He usually finds out she's on her way or in town (staying with BM) from one of the other kids. She will then proceed to visit with everyone else before squeezing in a few hours with her dad that occur at totally random times. He won't know she intends to visit usually until she's on her way to his house. Or she's super vague and he ends up waiting around most of the day for her to show up, then she expects to be fed, entertained, etc on her time frame. Her father happily drops everything and accommodates her.
When I came on board and saw this dynamic I was not having it. I told him I would be happy to SCHEDULE time to hang out with her but if I already had something going on and she popped in I wasn't rearranging my life. This mystified him as he claims his kids are welcome to come and go in his life and his house whenever they please. Especially the daughter who lives out of town because "he wants to spend time with her". After a few times where I was unavailable to be a part of their impromptu get-togethers and the subsequent guilt trip about how "rigid" I was with my expectations, I told him I wasn't going to change and if it was such a big deal for me to be around then I could be told more than an hour in advance that my presence was requested. I also made a point of saying when this sort of behavior occurs in OUR home, the expectation would be the same, namely that we will get plenty of notice before people show up at our house for a visit, regardless of who they are, especially if they expect to stay overnight.
He adamantly refuses to address this issue with his daughter. He claims it will make her uncomfortable about coming over, which I think is total hogwash. I finally had to say something to her myself when they told us like a day in advance that they were coming to town and needed a place to stay for a couple of nights, including weekdays when we have a routine in place to get us all to work on time. etc. She's gotten better about giving us notice for overnighters since then and was receptive to my request. However, the pop-ins for shorter visiting continue. Case in point, this Sunday. I returned from an intense hike and was a bit under the weather, hoping for a quiet evening of recuperation when DH announced she was on her way over with now-fiance and toddler in tow. When I asked if they could all just meet up at a restaurant instead he made a big deal about how awful it was that he couldn't even entertain his own family in his own house. I told him that she may be HIS daughter, but she and I don't have that same comfort level where I can sit around in my jammies being chill, especially when I'm not feeling well. I actually have to prepare for a visit and would appreciate it if they could accommodate me. He gave in to my request but it's started a whole new round of fights about whether or not she needs to tell us before she comes over. Frankly, I'm exhausted but since I have a touch of social anxiety I know giving in on this point is going to make me miserable with wondering when she will show up on our doorstep.
Anyway, just hoping to get other people's thoughts on whether I'm being too picky by asking for some notice or if, like DH says I just need to "suck it up" and let her come over whenever she wants.
Thanks!
IMHO, the biggest issue is
IMHO, the biggest issue is that DH thinks your reaction has something to do with SD, when in fact, it's just how you are. You're not very spontaneous and you are a homebody. I have a friend who forgot to write in the calendar that we were coming over, so when we showed up it was a surprise. He took it in stride, made appetizers and a great meal and we had a great evening. I was blown away.
Had that happened to me, I would have freaked out and I would have wanted to send my guests away, even people I know well and like a lot. I don't like plans changing and I don't like when that affects my date with my sofa. But it's not personal, it's just me.
So I think you can explain that to him, and it's totally reasonable to expect one's partner in life to accept you the way you are. Sure, sometimes you can get with the program just to be a good sport, but mostly not. And he can be more planful just to help you out, but mostly not. So then how can you communicate and work together so that the pair of you get more of what you both want?
I don't think it's too
I don't think it's too unreasonable to expect some notice for visitors, even family. It would be one thing if she dropped by alone to see her dad for an hour or something but bringing the whole family? a bit much.
Then again, some families have that kind of dynamic and it works for them. The problem is that it doesn't work for YOU and you live there too. It shouldn't be too hard for her to give you guys a heads up and not be offended if you say it's not a good time or to change the location of the meetup. Not personal at all.
Thanks all. Moeilijk, I
Thanks all. Moeilijk, I couldn't agree more - it's totally not personal. I love her, and her fiance and daughter are great people, which is why I wish we could just schedule these things and enjoy one another. But DH refuses to give an inch and she has no clue it's a problem so it continues. I have, like mustang suggested, indeed absented myself from their visits to our home when I had made prior arrangements that conflicted with their short notice sleepover. That precipitated the accusation from DH that I was intentionally avoiding her. And he definitely couldn't handle getting everything ready on his own because she kept interrupting his attempts to clean so the house was extra dirty when I got back. *Sigh*, such fun.
Does "her" area have it's own
Does "her" area have it's own entrance or is it just a room in the house? If it's not set up as an apartment, she absolutely should be notifying you that she is coming. Is this room used for other guests, or only her and her family?
This sort of thing would drive me crazy--I don't like surprise visitors, family or not!
As long as they do not
As long as they do not require you to sit and entertain at the last minute or even participate I think he should be able to have his daughter over at short notice as long as it doesn't interfere with say a dinner party you are throwing for others (not enough food for last minute stop ins),etc.., If it is just that you don't feel like socializing, want to chill out, etc.., do that in your room while he visits and entertains last minute kid visits.
I can see his point because
I can see his point because she is family. Some people just are not bothered by family stopping by unannounced. I'm like your husband. Friends can't just pop up to my house, but I don't bat an eye when my family does. My family is always welcomed in my home.
As long as he doesn't expect you to change your plans or to cook for them, I don't think he's out of line.
Maybe the two of you could meet in the middle. How about require notice for overnight visits, but not day visits? Make it clear to your husband that regardless of notice, he is responsible for all meals and entertainment during their visits.
Ha Ha you actually sound just
Ha Ha you actually sound just like me and how I feel. My DH is very much like your DH. He was okay with is kids popping in whenever, for however long, with no warning because "They are my kids!!!!" Well since I'm the queen of the castle that is not going to work for me.
I don't think you are too rigid at all but I feel exactly like you do, word for word in what you wrote. Especially about the comfort level of being in your pjs.
a little too rigid, yes. She
a little too rigid, yes. She needs to give notice for an overnighter, but if she's in town and calls her dad and wants to see him that's on him to entertain her and figure out dinner. It may be annoying but when your kids are older you will want him to welcome them in to your home as well.
There really isn't such a
There really isn't such a thing as boundaries being "too rigid." You should set your boundaries however you want them to be. If you find yourself missing out b/c of them, then you might want to re-examine them, otherwise, if they are working for you, they are fine.
Nope, expecting reasonable
Nope, expecting reasonable and polite behavior is never unreasonable. You DH is a guilty daddy and refuses to see the toxic crap in his spawn.
Your home, your rules. The person with requirements for reasonable notice of a visit trumps the one who does not care one way or the other. If something makes one spouse uncomfortable and not the other... the one with the discomfort should reasonably expect and require the other spouse to be supportive.
If DH continues to have a lack of clarity on this topic answer the door, tell SD that you are not feeling well and she will have to arrange a visit on some other day or she and her dad can go out and wait in the car for him.
Lather...... rinse...... repeat.
DH can bitch but if he does.... increase the clarity of your message to him. He can avoid the pain by managing how he addresses his daughter's behavior. That should be his only option and for sure he should minimize your discomfort with the situation. After all... you are his bride.