Are some families better off seperate?
Well for the first time in our 3+ year relationship (2.5 years married), we have a minimal amount of BM drama and its great. It took her getting arrested for assaulting me in front of my SD7 and many courtdates to get here. Now we have no communication, they way I have always wanted it. SD calls to let us know we can get her from school/camp that Fri. and we drop her back there the following monday... easy enough right>>? For some reason, I don't really like to pick her up, I feel like it was so hard to build this impenetrable wall against the drama, threats, violence, games, manipulation, courtdates... You guys know, but I feel like when SD comes over, the negativity sneaks in, the stories of her unjust homelife with BM anger us. The things that get repeated with us frustrate us. Her moms comments get repeated, and it sucks. And it makes me not want her around. We are expecting our first baby now, and we are so excited.. part of me wants to share it with SD in the hopes of us bonding over the birth of her sibling, part of me wants to build a stable home that doesnt involve SD or the drama that comes with... I dont like the instability of waiting around every thurs. night to see if shes going to come over the next day or not.. then when she does come over she doesnt want to be parented or have responsibilities, its like she thinks its a vacation. I beat myself up when she doesnt come because I feel like its my fault she isnt comin over, like she senses I dont want her here?
I just wish... me and BM could forgive one another and be civil and talk, like adults, I think that would be a solution to my hostility. That wont ever happen. When one adult wont step up, is it better to just leave them alone and let the SD have life with her mom? She seems to prefer it.
Are some families better seperate? or with minimal contact?
Advice please
We have this in the back of our minds
Though we have FC, so it would mean DH and I live apart til she's out.
I will give you a word of warning though. My SD would come over with tales of woe and yes I became a knight in shining armor to her. Then we went through the custody case and won FC. Then somethings came out in the reports that BM claimed that SD told her, and well...we knew from the things she was stating that it must be true. It was then I realize that SD was fully triangulating- either exaggerating good things or bad things from each house to the other, in order to get more of what she wanted from each of us, including but not limited to gifts and attention.
So sometimes if the child is crying on your shoulder about BM a lot, they are also going over and workin' it for BM's benefit about you and DH.
Sucks, but very true. I don't know why I was surprised by it, as BM set it up well by refusing to have good communication with DH. BUT...still felt like I was stabbed in the heart, especially knowing that BM is mentally ill and not present at all for SD, while I was putting her as my number one priority.
As far as some better separate I don't have that answer. I have become very jaded about being a SM at this point, and can tell you I would never ever put myself or my other children through it again. Sad but true. I have a skewed experience filled with both borderlines-SD and BM.
I hope things smooth out for you with the joyful addition. I know myself that BD 3 brought us all closer for a while, but also contributed to SD's growing borderline symptoms because I could no longer put her every emotional need and egocentric whim above everyone else.
Kindness
I wish we had an opportunity to "kill her with kindness" but all lines of communication are totally shut down. I had a restraining order on her (no longer) but she is completely unwilling to pick up my calls, which are few and far between. But even regarding picking up and dropping off SD which I HAVE to handle the arrangements because hubby is out of town, she wont talk to me! She says Im not SD's parent so too bad. She has neither or our cell #'s, just a landline, because ofcourse, shes 100% willing to communicate with either of us via texts, which flow at all hours of the night! It got out of control and abusive.
SO.. wish I did have the opportunity to be kind, because I would be.
We've tried in the past going with her schedule and demands and we would find her attempting to pick up SD at 3, 4 , 5 a.m. , intoxicated. Which ofcourse would escalate. I guess its good we dont talk now huh!? LOL
I agree...
I totally agree, there was a time where she didnt come over (SD) and when I asked her about it she told me she had told her mom I was 'mean', meanwhile she was telling me her mom was 'mean' too. It's sad but the kids def. work both sides...
I am also jaded by this stepmom thing, my husband says theres nothing wrong with me and SD's relationship, but were always our own worst critics. I dont feel a connection to her at all (but I want to protect her at the same time), and that makes me feel bad because as a woman, and especially when SD says she loves me, I feel like 'where the hell is my materal, sensitive instinct!?', maybe its because I am not a real parent yet??
I totally understand why women don't date guys with kids, there really never is any breaking the tie with the ex for good it seems, but I am so glad to have such a wonderful husband... and I wouldn't change a thing about him
In retrospect, I can only regret the way we handled things with her, lots of curse words and fighting, should have never got that far.