Bios vs. skids - so irritated
SD6 and BD5 are losing their minds at SS4 hockey practice on Sunday morning, running around the arena and playing tag. SD6 encounters a school classmate and stops playing with BD5 to work on a 'colouring' activity with her friend. BD5 asks her SD 'can you ask your friend if I can colour too?'. And SD flat out says 'no, I would like some time with my friend alone, please give us some privacy'. My BS8 turns to his sister and 'says com'on lets go play'and they take off together. Less than 5 mins later SD6 and friend are joining my bios for a game of tag. SD'S behaviour is a learnt behaviour from BM, who seeks exclusivity in friendships and gets satisfaction in making others feel left out. It irritates me to no end and it hurts me to see my bios try so hard to be inclusive of their step siblings and not get the same love and loyalty in return. DH disciplines accordingly but no changes in behaviour to date. Does anyone have any advice? Should I just stay out of it and let bios and skids figure it out?
Unless BM is brainwashing
Unless BM is brainwashing them (and not just "influencing" them), let them be. Kids often instinctively figure out on their own right vs. wrong, cruelty vs. kindness, etc.
Yeah, it's good your bios
Yeah, it's good your bios will learn disappointment. My SD thought bullying was when someone didn't want to play with her...
And when your steps have burned their bridges with your bios, well then they will learn humility in order to rebuild that relationship. And if they don't your bios won't be subjected to toxic relationships with teenagers and young adults who have been ruined since childhood by a BM who probably got it from her mother.
To be honest, so long as SD
To be honest, so long as SD is being "polite" when telling your bio that she doesnt want to play together right there and then, then its all good. There are always going to be different rankings of friends and as they get older your SD and BD may play beautifully together behind closed doors but in front of school friends wont because its not "cool".
At the end of the day its a life skill, on both sides, for SD to be confident of herself enough to say actually no I dont want to play with you, but also for your bio to know that there are some people in the world that will try to pick you up and drop you when they like.
As they get older SD may have to learn to deal with the fact that if she continually blows your bio off then one day bio will stop asking and wont want her to play either.
Thanks for the advice
Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm realizing my irritation is two-fold : 1) May be projecting my frustrations with BM onto SD 2) the expectations that I have of my bios to make an effort to always include skids is causing resentment between the kids and between me and the skids. I'm going to take a step back and let them self-regulate as they are in and around the same age; its normal for them to have a love/hate relationship and lastly bc overall they are good kids and they are smart enough to figure it out on their own.
I have to say both your BKs
I have to say both your BKs and SD seem remarkably confident and very polite. You and dad seem to be doing a great job.
SD was direct, clear, and respectful. BS was amazing in his engagment with his little sister. Though I understand your frustration over SD not including her StepSister in her coloring activity with her friend I think even she handled the whole event very well. That SD and her friend joined your kids says alot about how appealing your children and their behaviors are.
I think I would just keep an eye on things and reinforce these very positive behaviors with all of the kids.