Birthday Party Outrage
He invited the BM to the SD6's birthday party.
>> The party I paid for because BM doesn't pay support and I make significantly more money than he does.
>> The party that is only happening because he felt it fair since I threw one for my own daughter two months ago (before we moved in together and that I paid for myself), and his precious little snowflake has never had a real party before because he didn't have the money to afford it.
>> The party that SD6 has already tried to rub in my daughter's face, saying she will have more people at hers.
>> The party that all of the BM's relatives will ALSO be attending.
Just. Freaking. Perfect. I don't know how I am going to handle being at this party and maintain my composure. Seriously, I want to scream.
The fine is greater than the
The fine is greater than the cost of the party
wat. And you let him get away
wat.
And you let him get away with this why?
I didn't know about the party
I didn't know about the party until after he'd reserved it with money from the joint account - that was already addressed. I didn't know about the BM until just now and I haven't gotten home to address it just yet.
Make that joint account
Make that joint account un-jointed, pronto!
Yep, This!
Yep, This!
So call the venue and cancel.
So call the venue and cancel.
Let him know he's free to spend HIS money as he see fit(once his financial obligations to the home are met) and you're free to do the same with yours.
Sent him the bill and tell
Sent him the bill and tell him that if BM comes you don't and you want a refund.
Present your dh with a bill.
Present your dh with a bill. Seriously. Include your time per hour charge.
When he squawks we're married! you say that's what I thought but your unilateral action shows me otherwise. I'm the party coordinator. Got it. Here's my bill.
So here's my story. Neither child had had a bday party in their entire lives. I made one for ss last year. Not only was bm not invited but neither was feral sister of bday boy. Dh asked me about both half heartedly early on in planning. I told him no on sd because of reason A, B, and C. All were legit and he couldn't argue.
On BM I just stared and said, "you're kidding?" He just said, "That's what I thought. You're right, I agree." That was the end of it.
SS has another party coming up this week, both issues are behind us and have never been brought up again.
I would not let this just be a suck it up smom moment. Give your dh some clarity, as Rags says.
I know I can't suck it up,
I know I can't suck it up, but it's starting to sound like I'm constantly complaining about SD6 and the BM. I want to make sure I'm not just being a nag at this point, but this really feels like he's overstepped without any regard for me.
Also, why is the whole bm
Also, why is the whole bm clan coming? CAN'T ANY OF THEM PUT TOGETHER THEIR OWN DAMN PARTY? NOT A SINGLE ONE????
Because he said it was for
Because he said it was for the SD6 since it's her birthday party and that's what she wants. I agree with you - and I feel like I'm being run over without regard.
Why would any of them bother
Why would any of them bother when dad has found a woman he's more than happy to use? Not only is he using her, he's inviting BM's whole family to dip their hands in the cookie jar as well.
He let her know she was not
He let her know she was not welcome to be there and she raised sooo much hell. She then called all of her family and "told" on him, so all except for three have backed out - fortunately, I like the 3 who will be there and they're not fans of BM after everything she's done. Heading to the bank this afternoon, but he knows that I am very serious and postponing the wedding reinforces it.
Also handled disrespectful SD6 who promptly apologized to my daughter for being so nasty. She reacted quickly when her dad backed me up and said he would not tolerate her being ungrateful and taunting my daughter, then sent her to bed early. She was quite pleasant this morning, but we'll see how long that lasts as her behavior is too much a habit to have changed with any permanence yet.
Now, I'm going to wait and see where the pieces fall before I make any further decisions.
And you don't think him
And you don't think him needing/wanting you to pay for the party had anything to do with everything he did yesterday?
I don't doubt that, but it's
I don't doubt that, but it's a step forward. That said, they've only been divorced a little more than a year and he's still shedding habits that he developed during their marriage - so since we've just recently moved in together, he still has to learn my boundaries and how to work with me and my daughter sharing the same home.
I think everyone adjusts and adapts as life fluctuates. Both of us went through having been deserted by cheaters, with the other spouse leaving children behind. That tends to leave those of us who have been abandoned with trust issues, bad habits, and the need to recreate the boundaries in our lives. The advantage I have is that my divorce was 5 years ago and I have had 5 years to completely detach and to establish appropriate boundaries on my ex (who thought I should still pay for his cell phone and take his calls to discuss the recent news events) because he was so used to having me around for years in that capacity. Even though he is the one who left, he had trouble detaching and establishing himself as a single man. I see some similar patterns in my fiance who has only been divorced for a little over a year and I don't think it would be fair for me to assume that he is being intentionally difficult, greedy, or thoughtless. At the same time, I do need to recognize when he has gone to far so I can reassert my boundaries and I believe this is one of those situations. It doesn't piss me off any less, but it does at least give me hope that there is room for adjustment as opposed to outright concluding that he is a horrible person with the goal of using me for my income and ability to be a good mother. I truly hope I am not wrong, but it occurs to me now that I need to proceed with caution.
Do you think I am wrong?
Time to cancel anything that
Time to cancel anything that you can. This party needs to go to the bare minimum. Return anything you can and get the money back.
I would not attend that party and he would be getting more than just a LITTLE piece of my mind about the entire thing. Plus I would never ever EVER do ANYTHING financially again until a LOT changed.
Make sure your finances are separate. You do for you and yours. If he and BM can't manage to do for THEIRS, that is THEIR problem, not yours.
I've done that, you're right.
I've done that, you're right. I also addressed the financial thing - from now on, nothing over $50 is supposed to come out of that account without checking with each other. I'll be opening a separate account tomorrow. I'm really starting to feel like a fool
I don't know what else to say to him - he really doesn't seem to understand why I'm reacting so severely.
Wait, you're keeping the
Wait, you're keeping the joint account in place???!!!
This will happen again.
The purpose of the joint
The purpose of the joint account is to cover joint bills - such as rent, utilities, groceries, etc. I already have a separate account for personal use, in which the child support for my daughter is also deposited so she will not go without for anything. If he abuses this account, there is a limit of how much damage he can do (I'm more intelligent than I think some people may have initially considered) because there is only a $300 cushion to cover extraneous expenses such as a new lawn mower in the event ours breaks down, etc. - and if he were to try doing this again, I suppose I will have my answer.
Seriously, why are you
Seriously, why are you allowing this?!? Your DH is treating you like a doormat. Well, like an ATM I suppose. Don't allow him to treat you this way. Tell him you will not be attending, that he owes you $X, and that you will be taking your daughter out to do something special just for her instead. Jeez.... continue as you mean to go on, woman! Lay down and be a doormat now when you've just moved in together, and all you're going to get is dirty footprints on your face the rest of your life.
He got the party past me and
He got the party past me and we discussed it once I found out. I thought it was handled and it didn't occur to me that he would invite the BM. I have fewer issues with the BM's family, they've actually been fairly decent. I definitely do not plan on attending and I think my daughter would appreciate some one-on-one.
I don't want to be used as an ATM or a doormat, but I also don't want to be the wicked step mother either.
This is so NOT about being a
This is so NOT about being a step mother! This is about your relationship with your SO, that's all.
Using joint funds for his own purposes without discussion is disrespectful.
Unilaterally inviting people who make you uncomfortable to a party that, theoretically, you both are hosting is disrespectful.
HE is not considering you guys a team - and that's a problem. It isn't about your relationship with SD at all. It's completely and totally about the way your SO is treating YOU. Don't let him turn this around to be about SD, because it's not. It would be the exact same thing if he used your money to go buy a fishing boat without asking you, and then told you he was going fishing with his buddies. That is NOT what a good relationship looks like.
You're right, I guess I
You're right, I guess I didn't see it from that perspective - thank you for that. It seems I needed it.
The problem with SD that I had was her ungrateful attitude and how she tried to use it to taunt my daughter.
So the party is still on,WITH
So the party is still on,WITH YOUR MONEY or did you make him pay you back first?
If you are letting him pay you back later,you might as well kiss that money good bye.
Party is still on, but the $
Party is still on, but the $ is going back to the account and he's made some serious adjustments - including uninviting BM (she raised hell and "told on" him to her family, which removed the nasties from being there). Also laid down ground rules and refused to discuss rescheduling the postponed wedding for now.
Deal breaker. Period.
Deal breaker. Period.
Cancel the party. And cancel your dh. He's showing you who he really is, so believe him. Get out now.
No, no, no, no, no. You have
No, no, no, no, no. You have been railroaded.
You just moved in together and he is already pulling this crap? What you did or do for your daughter as absolutely nothing to do with his.
If you do not do something about this now, this is how it's going to be. He will always be pulling this shit.
I am seriously pissed off for you.
Pretty pissed myself, but
Pretty pissed myself, but thank you! I put my foot down and BM is going to be quite unhappy (poor poor baby) because he called his attorney for an income deduction order and agreed to not touch the account for more than $50 without talking to me first. I'm still torqued about how this went down and it's too late to cancel the party.
I can imagine the BS the BM will be spreading once she is served.
He has less bills and more
He has less bills and more income to handle it because I make more than him and my discretionary spending is something that I actually have a budget for - not that I appreciate the hostile takeover. I always saved up to give my daughter a birthday party at her favorite place, it's something I've done for years. I thought the party would be at a park or something, then suddenly there's a deposit and plans made for the place where my daughter's parties are always held. I really don't appreciate the way he handled this and, even if he "fixes" it, I now have some trust reservations. It doesn't help that his 6 year old tried taunting my daughter about the party - saying she'll have more people showing up. Plus, I don't even want to go now.
No tolerance - I'm not that
No tolerance - I'm not that kind of girl. That said, I'm surprised it got this far before I caught it. Usually, I'm quicker than that. I put my foot down and BM is going to be quite unhappy (poor poor baby) because he called his attorney for an income deduction order and agreed to not touch the account for more than $50 without talking to me first. In the meantime, BM will be served with papers (that I've already seen) on Saturday morning - let her show up at the party now!
You really think that is
You really think that is going to keep her from showing up? The fact that he's going to court means nothing. The judge may deny his request. If anything, getting served the morning of the party will just amp up the crazy.
Why is he asking for a reduction? Did his salary decrease? If so was I do to a lay off, cut backs...or did he just decide to take a lower paying job? If his poor choices (opting for a lowered paying job, living above his means...)are the reason he's requesting a decrease, the chances of it being granted or slim to none.
I have to respond because I
I have to respond because I did the same thing for my SO's 9yearold daughter when she turned 10. I planned the party, paid for it, all the girls slept at our house, so I purchased food, snacks, gifts, you name it...
Flash forward 5 years.
I am now looking for a new place to live after moving across the state with this guy. His daughter moved in with us full time about 6 months after we moved. Now, I am the bad guy ALL THE TIME...???... please!!!! f o
I have gone broke more times than I care to admit, sold furniture, repurchased it, paid for birthdays, weekend, food, bills, insurance, clothes, holidays... YOU NAME IT!
I have given my all to be in this relationship and him and his now almost 16 year old spoiled daughter tell me I am the misery in the house and that I am in the wrong for voicing my opinions loudly.
CANCEL THIS PARTY!!!
DO NOT pay for anymore anything for these ungrateful people.
It will make you resentful and they will only expect more and more.
I feel for you and I am sorry if I sound like a bitch, but, if someone would have told me 5 years ago I would feel how I feel today, I would have laughed at them. (even knowing I had seen red flags VERY early into this 'relationship')
Stop being used.
Close your 'joint' account and stop paying for these inconsiderate takers.
Love and all good things.
I feel your pain!
and I am pissed
aarrgghhh!!!
eeeeffffeeerrrrsssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for the support and
Thank you for the support and for letting me know that I'm not overreacting. I really don't want things to escalate to the point where I'm complaining about everything - I'm still reeling over his ungrateful daughter's attitude and I just got onto him big time Sunday because he thought it would be funny to wear a "Worlds Greatest Dad" shirt to Mother's Day breakfast with me - which he said he was doing to annoy the BM that day (The shirt came off quickly, but still pissed me off that he would even do that). My step mother was a beast and she made sure I knew my place under her two perfect angels - I would never be that kind of step parent, but his daughter and his own behavior certainly is not helping. I really don't want to turn into a resentful nag.
By the way - I love your tag! I think I'll use it if you don't mind
We're not married yet, we've
We're not married yet, we've been engaged since last July. We were planning for this October, but I postponed it until next year so I can get a better idea of what I'm dealing with now that we're living together.
I know he has to adjust to running things by me financially and that we have to learn to work together under the same roof - but I figured some of this stuff should be common sense (which is what I deserve for expecting that: My ex is treated as he should be - like an EX! He will never get away with disrespecting my home, my fiance, or my family in anyway. It seems that my fiance has allowed himself to be somewhat absorbed into BM's family, which is why the family gets away with so much, but then he says it's "for the children." I thought "separate and apart" meant SEPARATE and APART - not sleeping with someone separate and living with someone separate, but still given enough access to wreck everyone else's life.
This is another prime example
This is another prime example of the "no good deed goes unpunished" like the post from the other day.
Lesson learned - with a hefty
Lesson learned - with a hefty price and a heavy heart.
Let me check my pockets...
Let me check my pockets...
Not married yet - I postponed
Not married yet - I postponed it when I learned a few things about his separation and divorce. I didn't know he was still married when we met because he referred to her as his ex-wife (the fact that his divorce was final 3 months after we started dating isn't relevant, I think he should have told me - he said he thought he did). I also didn't know that we started dating only 6 months after she walked out on him and the kids(he said he didn't know it was important that I know that). Things have been coming around very nicely until now, but it is obvious that he's still weeding out behaviors that were developed over their marriage, including accommodating the BM. He also has to learn my boundaries - a few of which he has seriously crossed!
Forget the party and money.
Forget the party and money. Why are you marrying/living with a man who has lied to you from day one?:?
This man is about to put the way my on you. You're kidding yourself if you think he will never touch your money permission again.
You can't let this party
You can't let this party happen. If you stay with this douche bag, the precedence will be set that from here on forward, BM and her family come to ALL your SD-centric celebrations. Nip it in the bud, now.
She's 6. Kids who are 6 fantasize about mom and dad being back together again. These joint parties fuck with their minds and put those fantasies front and center.
If your DH wants a new life with you, HE has to draw a line in the sand. He chose divorce. Part of that choice is that his little sexlets did not get to have mommy/daddy holidays and celebrations anymore.
If he won't draw the line,
If he won't draw the line, I'll have to draw my own. The wedding is already postponed.
Grow a pair and separate your
Grow a pair and separate your finances...You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. These are huge red flags...
I thought so too - I've
I thought so too - I've already requested an hour off tomorrow to go to the bank.
He said he though WE agreed
He said he though WE agreed to the party, so he assumed the finances would be ok since the money is available based on that agreement. Correction was made: I agreed to A party - one I thought would be held at his aunt's house or the park. He said he chose the location because it would save us from cleaning up afterward and make things easier based on observations from how my daughter's party went. I don't think Snowflake deserves a party, especially after trying to taunt my daughter with it. I'm so glad my daughter is patient because I know there must be times when she wants to pummel this child.
I'm going back to my credit union tomorrow.
Just like he thought he told
Just like he thought he told you he wasn't yet divorced? Or like he didn't mention the time frame because he didn't think it would matter? He knew damn well it would, by the way.
He seems a little shady, honey.
Please tell me you're making
Please tell me you're making all of this up. I thought I told you seems to be this guy's go to lie and you keep falling for it. Why?
Most loser have a butt loads of lies to use. This jerk doesn't even have to waste time coming up with new material since the same shit keeps working over and over.
Woman - you just got played.
Woman - you just got played. I haven't read all the comments (supposed to be working here).. but damn.. did you get played.
Why your DH isn't walking around with a broomstick shoved up his ass, is beyond me.
duplicate.
duplicate.
Holy Heckness. 1 - Cancel
Holy Heckness.
1 - Cancel that god dam party
2 - Get your own accounts
Bm will be laughing her face off that you are planning her sons party, paying for it and her and her whole family is coming. CMON!!!! Dont let them all use you.
Party plugged pulled now.
I would hand him the bill and
I would hand him the bill and tell him to give you cash immediately. He does not get invite his X to an event that you are organizing and funding. Neither do you.
See how he holds up when you hand him the receipts and tell him to pay up immediately. His ability to pay is irrelevent when considered against his asshole behavior and decisions.
I concur with those who are asking why you are remaining in a relationship with a non-man who lied to you from the very begining. This is not someone that you need to be supporting for the rest of your life or his. Move on before this incubus takes over your life.