Blending extended family
All,
Happy holidays. I have to tell you that I feel like I'm not alone when I read your entries. This is my place of comfort. Thank you to all of you who take the time to put your stories into writing.
I would appreciate some advice. DH and I got married in October. I have two bio kids, DS, 6 and DD, 4. He has twin boys, six. His family lives across the ocean, and I haven't even met them yet, as his parents are elderly and do not travel anymore and we have not been able to afford to get to see them. His brothers and he are not close. But his family has sent lovely letters to us, and has included my kids in their greetings.
My family lives four hours away, and they have gone out of their ways to make sure that SSs feel like "part of the family"- especially for their birthday, and though we have not seen them for Christmas yet (courtesy of the stomach virus!) my parents, cousins, and grandfather have taken pains to buy presents for them that are equal to the presents they've gotten for my bio children. With no requesting from me- they have just done this because they are good people and would not want my bonus children to feel left out or "different".
So...DH told me that his parents and one brother had sent money and gift certificates for the twins for Christmas. They included my children in their holiday greetings but did not buy for them. Now, I am under no illusions here. No child I know needs more stuff or more gift certificates or more anything! I am not upset that they didn't buy for my kids, as they have not met them. Every correspondence I've sent has included pictures of all four children, but not in a pushy way- my kids are now, after all, DH's family, and I thought they would like to see pics of all four kids being healthy and happy.
My question is, how do I bring this up with my husband? And should he be handling it in any certain way? On Christmas morning, before our kids came back from their other parents' houses, I asked him to please make sure that he tells SSs about their gifts from his family, privately, and with sensitivity (that he makes sure that SSs know that it would be 'mean' to brag about these gifts). He replied that he was going to "stretch the money out" and wasn't planning to tell them about it until spring, when they haven't had a present in a while. I think that if it was the other way around, I would be thanking my parents and brother, and politely informing them that I planned to use their gifts of money to purchase things for all four children. Am I off in my contemplation of this subject? Thank you in advance for your advice. Happy New Year!
I think a gift is just that,
I think a gift is just that, a gift. I don't think anyone should insist anyone else buy gifts for anyone that they do not want to buy for. My parents do send something for my stepkids, but it is in no way near what they get for their own grandchildren. My husband's children have their own grandparents who also are extravagant with their own grandchildren.
I have two grandchildren. I don't have any steps yet, but I can tell you there is no way I would give them the same as I do for my own grandchildren. I also buy bonds for my grandchildren for college. I certainly wouldn't be providing college tuition for someone else's child. I just don't have it in me.
You have both given me some
You have both given me some food for thought. Thank you. And Finey, you are totally right about the thank-yous; I had them write thank-you notes for their birthday, and it was like I was trying to extract their teeth. The whining, the moaning! (My bio son doesn't like doing them either, but I have sent one for every gift he has ever received!) I think I may need to disengage from this entirely and just concentrate on my own kids and family where the gift-giving is concerned. Like I need more to think or worry about- we have a beastly BM who just won't stop trying to make trouble. I need to conserve my energy.
So even though all the kids are so young, now's the right time to use this to show my kids that things in life will not always be "fair" or evenly distributed?
Oh, and forgot to say that my
Oh, and forgot to say that my daughter loves writing thank-yous! I tell them all that thank-you notes are a great way to re-experience the love and caring that someone sent them by buying them a gift...
This is a tricky situation.
This is a tricky situation. If I'm reading between the lines, I don't think it's the actual gift that you're upset about. I think it's more about not feeling that your children and you are acknowledged as part of the family.
My husband and I have struggled with this too. Our first Christmas together at my parent's home, my father announced, "It's so nice to have all five of my grandchildren here!" (counting my stepchildren, there were 7). I smiled, put my arm around my father and gently corrected, "You mean all 7, Dad" (with a wink). He picked up the lead and just like that; my family accepted my whole new family.
My husband's family outwardly welcomed us all and my husband's mother even signs all her emails to me 'Mom2' however she repeatedly asks to take only her grandson to their cottage (not even her own granddaughter) and especially not my children. We avoided the situation as long as we possibly could but eventually we had to deal with it. We explained, as gently as possible, that we are a family and that blended families are even more fragile so it's our job (my husband's and I) to preserve it. While we are thrilled that you want to spend time with your grandson, we know that your granddaughter and my sons would enjoy your company too. Is there a way we can include everyone?
We were told 'no' and we then made a decision (good or bad) that if all the children weren't welcome (even at different times), then we'd also have to say 'no'.
Did we make the right decision? I can't say for sure but I do remember as a child that my grandfather always only bought my sister something for holidays and never myself or my other sister. I always wondered why he didn't love me and my sister (who he bought for) always felt bad and shared her gifts with us. Bottom line; no one felt good about him doing this and my mother finally asked him to stop.
yes, its rude for him not to
yes, its rude for him not to give the gift to the kids for christmas and for them to acknowledge the gift and be able to say thank you. its like he is being cheap. its not his gift it is the kids gift.
it is divisive when the grandparents do that, but w/e, we have to deal with it. just bring it up and decide what you want to do.