We had only two sessions yet, the objective was to communicate better, not talked about blending the family. But the counsellor worked out that he's got no capacity to deal with anything. She actually asked him what he has to give to the relationship. That hurt, but kind of confirmed my gut feel, get out, I have been hanging in there way too long, waiting for a bus that probably never comes.

I have raised with him, that his ex and he prevent the kids from forming any sort of relationship with me. He's got no balls, that's the issue. I worried he loses his kids if he doesn't do what they want.

Thank you for your response. Initially I never even considered dating someone with kids, but then I thought, I could handle it. And I think I could if he as a partner was stronger and would stand behind me. But, he just is a slave of his past, guilt-ridden with no happiness in his own life. I was going to leave many times, but it's hard because there is that week where things are good. But, is that just under 50% enough? And you are right, it will keep going. I don't think those kids will ever adjust to me because they have not been taught respect, values, empathy etc. They have been raised to be entitled and self-centred. That si on top of the issues with the boyfriend, dealing with that.

Thank you, I feel exactly like you. But I guess, I am single, and while I don't have kids, I have the most beautiful dog I was happy on my own I guess and always wanted a relationship that adds value, but this just seems to suck the life out of me. But thanks for your comment as it reminds me that I should still look out for myself. It's just, in the end, you live two different lives and the question is, is that enough? My boyfriend is also the doormat, I said that to him too, a few times. It's heartbreaking because you/we care, probably more than anyone else involved. I guess the question is, are you happy or are you just staying because out of fear to not find someone else, or other fears/reasons? I am financially independent too, so I literally don't need his money or him being a doormat, I need an equal partner.

Thank you for your honest response. Yes, I also wonder whether he is ready, and you are probably right, he's not. He said divorce just wasn't a priority as he didn't date anyone seriously all this time and the financial separation is difficult as he owns his own company and he would need to buy her out of that, and the family home which she lives in while he pays a ridiculous amount of rent himself. So he has slowly progressed things but I feel it's more like to not lose me and keep me at least somehow sticking around by just doing the bare minimum. 

The birthday example, he did talk to the 16 year old and said he wasn't going to come, but then she cried and he got sucked in, says didn't want to miss out on her 16th, but it's "just" a birthday. I asked, why couldn't I just go (not that I want to, it's the principle that I think we just do our own celebration for her) and he says the kid would feel uncomfortable. But it's the ex that manipulates them, she probably said something but about him not going because of me etc. but he gets sucked in and the thing is, I can't see him making that change because those kids just rule him, I think it's guilt. He left the marriage and I actually wonder how many years he took to make that call as with us, nothing ever moves. We argue I tell him how I feel, we talk, but there are never any solutions or way forward. It just stays the same. And he always says, it's complicated, he doesn't want to lose his girls etc. But the reality is, they have a stronger bond with the BM anyway, soon they will be doing their own thing. But yeah, comes back to not being ready I guess. Because if he was, he would make those sacrifices and bite that bullet to get us into a proper relationship, for the sake of the kids. He doesn't get that what our relationship models to his kids is not healthy either and that he actually has a chance to show them how it should be, but he's stuck. Yeah, maybe I just need to say, it's not the kind of relationship I want because he's not fully in it, and then just move on.

That sounds crazy - but good that your husband stood by you. I have been raised very differently, or maybe it is a generation thing with those kids and parents too. 

Thank you, I also feel that is true and while emotions may not be love or romantic, they are guilt which is probably worse.

Thank you, this is true. I have scaled back now and I am trying to slowly phase myself out.

Thank you. Yeah, the red flags, I saw them early on but I listened to his excuses, that he is busy with his business, it's never been a priority, he's annoyed paying for her but what can he do if she doesn't work, he hasn't been serious with anyone so was just no reason to get divorced etc. But now, having listened to this over and over it also starts to sink in that he isn't really ready to have a relationship and create a new family. He wants to just keep the peace and me to fit in, without taking my feelings and needs into account. I mean, he does try, but some people try all their life and never get anywhere. And that is him. He did talk to the kid, he tried, but he didn't pull through. And that is always like that. He also doesn't parent them, he just doesn't have the capacity and wants to keep everyone happy. He is driven by guilt and fear of losing them telling them like to clean up etc is all a big deal. I am very different, I get stuff done, I talk to people around me, I am open minded and hearted and don't hang on to some ideals of the past or wherever they may come from. But yes, you are right, and I said that to him too, he should have never dated me knowing the mess he is still in.

I truly appreciate your comment and I have realised many of these points before. I guess the red flags were there from the beginning but I fell in love before I started getting caught up in those said situations. Then, as the situations arose, I tried to justify my feelings by trying to be understanding, not exactly having the norm to go off, and hoping with time it will get easier because he is doing the work. But he doesn't. And you are right, I will always just be that additional revenue stream, in essence, I think half of the time I am more the cause of drama in his eyes because I make demands, complain and want to sort things out - and he hates and can't deal with conflict. Reading all those posts and my own, I know what I need to do, for myself, and my life.