Breaking Point
Ok, something snapped inside me last week. After SS10's wonderful "pencil incident" (if you don't know what I am talking about read prior post) that cast a dark cloud over everything I just feel done. Beat down, hopeless and not really wanting to move forward. I'm sick and tired of the manipulation and drama these kids bring to the table.
After 2 years of living with and caring for these kids with zero return of any kind of warm feelings I am just over it. My biodaughter tells them all the time "I love you" (she's 9 - they are 10 & 13), gives them hugs, initiates playing with them, shows them warmth, etc. - they.. well, they treat her like she is a fungus and want nothing to do with her. She will ask where they are, when they are coming home and is genuinely disappointed when they aren't around.
That's the dynamics with the kids...
Now the dynamics with the kids and adults. I have no warmth from them. They never initiate hugs and honestly I don't hug them anymore. I used to hug them, but it feels forced and awkward - like they don't want it. They walk in the house and say hello to their dad - that's it. Not me and not my daughter. Anything I ask them to do is "being mean" - from putting their clothes away to putting their dirty dishes in the dishwasher (the same things I expect from my biodaughter btw).. They constantly ignore whatever I say and treat me as if I am invisible - except when they want something.. then I'll get "what's for dinner" or "can we do this"..
My daughter loves on DH - hugs, kisses, happy to see him, good morning, good night, I love you.. is just receptive to him being a part of her life now.
I just want the same from both sides and am not getting it. I don't think I am being unreasonable or unfair. I just don't understand why the roadblock. I try to talk to DH and all I get is "kill them with kindness".. well.. I have done that and really it's getting harder and harder to do when all I get is pushback. I know they are kids, but they are mean, selfish, rude, loud mouths that have no respect for anyone. You can only bang your head against a wall so many times before you say "damn, this hurts - I gotta stop doing this to myself.." right?
I just don't see things moving towards a blended family and I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this. Family's are all about warmth and love in my opinion and it sure doesn't feel like that in this home.
Get the book "Stepmonster"
Get the book "Stepmonster" STAT! Read thoroughly!!
Lol.. I did.. 8 months ago.
Lol.. I did.. 8 months ago. It helped. However.. I don't want to live my life like this with these kids. I just don't. I would rather be a single mom and be happy.
Then that's what you should
Then that's what you should do.
Wow - is that 76% divorce
Wow - is that 76% divorce rate involving step kids really accurate? I feel the same things you do - I think 10 more years and they'll all be grown up and I'll be free. I'm 36 and have never met a man I wanted to marry - because I couldn't imagine me being fulfilled by him as a partner for the rest of my life. I finally met him - and we are engaged. The bottomline is that I feel like I don't have a choice. I can't imagine ever being happy with another man - so I have to make this work. His kids both have good hearts and I do have warm feelings for them. But when they come over every weekend they expect to be entertained the whole time and they are very loud. It is hard for me as I am a quiet person and I work very hard during the week so I need rejuvenation time.
Every Saturday night when he walks out the door to take them home I breath a huge sigh of relief. I do feel guilty quite often for feeling this way. But I can't change how I feel. He and I have had many talks about how I feel. When we first started dating I told him, "if your kids are #1 to you then they're #1 to me too." I've had to clarify what that means - it doesn't mean that I yearn to see them or want to spend time with them like you do. It means that I will always support him being very involved in their lives and sacrificing time together to spend with them. I also work to be a good role model and step mother when they are here. My goal is to help them grow up to be healthy, well adjusted adults. But I may never want to be with them as much as he'd like me to want to. This is difficult for him, understandably, because - what if their BM died or left or we had them more often. He's afraid I'll leave. I told him that it would take an awful lot to make me leave since I'm putting so much energy into the situation so I can be with him. If we had them full time, in some ways it would be much easier because then we wouldn't have conflicting lifestyles and values between ours and their BM (who has borderline personality disorder). I said a LOT of things would change - they would take time to adjust as would I and us as a couple.
In the end he feels good about my response. I can't make a promise of "I'll never leave." I said the only reason I would leave is if I told you something I needed in order to stay balanced and you didn't support it. If I didn't feel like my needs were being respected than that's a problem. He knows that my needs and boundaries are reasonable for an introvert (he and his kids are both extroverts).
To me, I look at helping raise his kids as part of the package. But it is like a job to me. I do care about them and have fun - but I'd rather being doing something else most of the time. I feel like as long as he knows and understands how I feel and I give 100% of what I can to the situation - everything will be okay.
Hopefully at some point I will feel a stronger bond with them and will want to spend more time with them. We'll just have to see how it goes.
Yea, my feelings for him have
Yea, my feelings for him have changed for a lot of reasons.
I'm over his crappy inconsistent parenting style (or lack-there-of).. His kids will never be anything more than selfish, loud, disrespectful brats due to the fact that there is too much effort involved to change them into anything better at this point. Bottom line - he is a lazy parent.
I'm over his blindness to how things really are. My daughter and I give love and warmth to him and his kids and barely get anything in return. His philosophy is "kill his kids with kindness and they will come around".. uh-no.. I am not kissing their asses. He didn't have to kiss my daughters ass to get her to care about him..
I am over the idea of spending the next 10 or so years of my life with these guys. It's just not worth it to me.