Could the resentment be aimed at FH but taken out on the kid?
FH and I are at a crossroads with our relationship. There are many strains like finances, career shifts, illness, time constraints, our little business and family issues which I guess are normal in most households and blended families in these times.
But it feels like we are falling out of love (from my side). I guess it IS NOW crunch time.
We chatted this morning after he came home to fetch something (kids already at school) and it suddenly hit me between the eyes....I don't necessarily resent the skid, I resent FH for his (and SM's) poor parenting of this child in the past which is making my life hell now! I don't direct my resentment to the right person! But subconciously I am mad as hell at FH and this is driving a wedge between us. I THINK that I dislike SS14 mainly because he lies, steals, impulsively destroys everything of value to me, has a loser-mentality (like BM) and doesn't care about his schoolwork! But is it really his fault? He has been raised HORRENDOUSLY! It hit me today because of something that FH said to me. He said "SS14 is like this because I was never around and he was left to his own devices and did whatever he wanted and now he battles to stick to routines and rules" Well yes I understand that but he has lived under the same roof as me & SS11 for 5 years now and there has been plenty of routines and rules shoved his way, as well as morals and values, so why is he still 'doing his own thing' And why am I still being subjected to the bad habits that FH & BM allowed their kid to develop and never took steps to correct. FH is in fact still failing his kid in the parenting dept. because he is still never here to parent..and when he is, he gets so irritated with the kid. But yet I must babysit and be the sweet 'mommy figure'in this kid's life and NOT get irritated.
Whilst I still don't feel that I like SS14, perhaps I should lighten up a bit and rather insist that FH steps up and parents him properly and try to reverse some of the damage he has done. I don't know if it is possible, but he has to try. He has to spend time with him and try to right some of the wrongs, or how will he cope when he is an adult and he still does what he is doing now?
FH asked me if we need counselling. I said yes we do. I now know that a lot of our relationship problems can probably be blamed on my resentments towards his kid and towards his lack of parenting.
I have disengaged physically from the child BUT emotionally from FH and that is why this is not working. I need to fix this, but don't know how... I was thinking of writing FH a letter and explaining how I feel about this to him (I am better with letters than face to face discussion). But he is a very negative person so I expect he will see it all in a negative light and take on a defeatist attitude)
Any constructive advice and ideas on what to say to him in my letter, would be sooooo welcome right now. (No bashing, please)
MG
You are on the right
You are on the right track.
You need counseling and you need to tell him exactly what you've said here. I'd put it in letter form if for no other reason just to get it all clear in your head so when you say it to him it will flow better. If you can get in to see a counselor right away you might wait until you are there to read your letter to him.
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the underlying issues. Now you just have to bring him around.
Thanks, PA - I just need to
Thanks, PA - I just need to know that I can fix this and fix my relationship.
I also want to talk to SS14 (when I simmer down, as I have had yet another incidence of SS14 lying blatantly to me about doing his homework & the teacher calling me out on this, today). I want to tell him that he needs to decide to be a good person or a bad person. A good person will not steal, lie & cheat, a good person knows what is right and what is wrong. A good person respects other people and their things. That I want him to be a good person. That it's not all his fault that he behaves like he does, but he can do something about it. He can't blame his parents for the way he turns out when he KNOWS that his behaviour is wrong (because I have been in his life now for 5 years and have taught him what is right and what is wrong). It's going to take a lot from me because I cannot even stand talking to this child, so bad is my resentment!
I need FH to punish SS14 for his wrongs and NOT sweep them under the carpet - like when he breaks something of mine..FH says "I'll by MG another one!" he needs to be made to pay for the replacement of that item. If he doesn't do his homework (and MG gets crapped on by the teacher after he assured her he had done it) he needs to be punished!
On the note of counselling...I am trying to find one in our area.
Yes I do want to write this letter to FH. About bringing him around..I don't know
MG
Thanks, StepAside This kid is
Thanks, StepAside
This kid is not motivated at all. He doesn't care what he becomes or how much money we spend to try to educate him. His SM's side of the family are all losers and that's all he is used to seeing when he goes on holidays to them. One would think that he would want better for himself.
This would be soul-detroying for me if it were my child, yet FH just accepts it and says his kids are just f*ups like him...but he is the most talented, motivated and resourceful person I have ever met. Why can't he impart that to his son. When we short on cash FH comes up with a plan (and I don't mean loaning money) he will find an extra gig to play at to bring in the extra that we need. He really works hard to keep the family financially abreast, yet fails hopelessly where it comes to parenting. It's so sad..
I love your analogy of the lion cub, SA - it's going to be used in my letter to him, if you don't mind!
Thanks a million!
MG
Love the analogy of the lion
Love the analogy of the lion cub too. Its priceless! I copied it for my letter too. I be using it to make a point about the Husky they are getting. Totally expect it to be mess b.c. Swins are irresponsible & slobs, DH is TV addict. Its going to be very ugly but I'll be working out in my plush gym, making new friends, eating healthy food at the cafe there whilst they deal with "their" puppy. I will not disengage from Husky (as I did with swins). It will not benefit the dog if I allow them to neglect it and it will be difficult later to train it. No living creature should be left with them. Last pet died from starvation/dehydration (hamster).
Now that you have disengaged
Now that you have disengaged from the kid you need to concentrate on re-establishing your feeling for your husband. Counseling is certainly one way to do that - maybe the best. If he won't participate then go alone.
Writing a letter is good. You can always choose not to send it if you think he'll take it wrong. Perhaps run it by your counselor and s/he will want you to give it to him during a session where he reads it on the spot and the counseling can help keep him from taking it wrong.
MaGoose I want to hear
MaGoose
I want to hear responses because I am right there with you in my relationship. I think the resentment sometimes is misdirected. i love my guy but I am resentful toward him , his handling of things in the past and how it all affect my life today and how his kids impede on how I dreamed of my life playing out....he and i need some more counseling as well...I did not care for our last counselor so in the process of looking
good luck
whateva
I have written a letter to FH
I have written a letter to FH and would love feedback, as we had an explosion this morning and I am feeling even more down about this whole thing:
Dear FH
I am writing this letter to you because I resent you and your ex for the bad parenting of SS14. Both in the past and NOW in the present. I have been holding this resentment for many years now and have aimed it towards SS14 when in actual fact it should be mostly directed towards you (and the BM). There is a pattern I see here of SS14 and his education. You always blamed the school, the teachers or the kids. Hence him moving around from school to school. And I am not saying that this is ALL untrue, but did you ever stop to think that he may have been the instigator of part of this drama? Even when we started living together 5 years ago, you put him in a school and there was always drama, so he was put in a homeschool (but with some older kids), once again drama and nothing was achieved after we spent so much money on his course. Then I took over, but not being trained to teach and his non-compliance with my instructions and the exhaustiveness of it all (teaching in the mornings and running a business in the afternoons) we had to find him another homeschool. Now he is in a homeschool that he loves, feels safe, gets on with the kids, yet is still not pulling his weight, distracting the kids in class, blaming the teacher for his refusal to do his homework and once again he remains unable to be effectively educated.
He doesn't want to make an effort because he is lazy and doesn't realise that school is important because in the past he was just shunted around when things didn't work out and dad & mom kept cursing that the education system had let him down, instead of trying to see what role he played in all of this and getting him into counselling. He know that dad will back him up and blame the teacher again. When he doesn't do his homework, it is the teacher's fault because she made them load chickens and when they got back to class, they skipped some pages and now he is confused...He doesn't ask the teacher, he just does nothing. He doesn't even attempt to do the work that he is unsure to show that he has made an effort and in that way he will be ahead of himself for the next day. NO - he just does nothing and MG gets crapped on that he hasn't done his homework. You come home and say you going to beat him, but end up chatting to him (that's ok - I hate beating kids) but there are no consequences. When I say 'what is his punishment?' you say he has to do extra work. I said 'What work? he is off today (Wed) and said to me yesterday that he had finished all the Tuesday homework and Extra Wednesday work that the teacher had given him. Today he will lie around and watch TV all day!' So you say 'no he will cut the lawn' that's not appropriate punishment 1) SS14 LOVES cutting the lawn and does a sh*t job of it because he rushes it & 2) the punishment should suit the transgression. I would give him 500 lines to write "I must do my homework everyday" which will benefit him more 1) he will HAVE to sit at his desk in his room and write (he writes like a baby) 2) He will improve his writing skills (and get cramps which will remind him of how important it is to not be lazy and do the homework when requird). There are ALWAYS consequences in life. You speed, you get a ticket to pay and that affects your family budget. You kill someone, you go to prison for a long time or get the death sentence and that means your wife and children are left destitute. You don't pay your taxes, the government punishes you and you may land up in jail. For SS14 there are never consequences. You rant, you shout, you swear at him, you threaten to send him to SM (which he would love to happen but is too scared to tell you) but all you need to do is apply the simple principle of "cause and effect" if you do something there is always an outcome. I don't believe in beating kids - never have. Perhaps because my mother was out-of-control when I grew up and beat us for any reason she could. I would rather take away privileges or cause some sort of discomfort in the a$$ area by sitting writing out lines for a day. This will not only drum the message into him , but also get him writing and having to consentrate.
I don't fall for the 'SS14 has ADD so he can't this and he can't that!'BS!!! He is 14 y/o now and he CAN do alot more than you give him credit for. He must pull himself together and become responsible for his own growth at school. Hell you also had ADD when you were at school yet at SS14's age (and with no medicinal intervention) you re-entered normal school and completed your schooling. You are now a brilliant Accountant/Auditor, an extremely talented musician and you are the most resourceful person I have ever met. Don't you want this for your son? Do you want to just sit back and watch him become like SM's family...losers, no jobs, depend on pensions from the state and on generosity form family? Do we still have to look after him when he is 18, 25 or 35 because he never got it together at school, after spending 100's of thousands on education for him? What about our dreams, our retirement plans?
Kids need boundries and structures. SS14 is crying out for disappline. I understand that you say he was 'left to his own devices' when your business & marriage was failing. But you & SM failed him also. Now he is in a situation where his behaviour is unacceptable (the destroying of other's things in the name of 'curiosity about how it works' so lets just destroy MG's tape deck and not ask her and all this to put it back together again and it now doesn't work). But you applaude him for his inquiring mind for mechanics. Sure but F'n ASK before you touch and destroy! He not only lacks discipline from his parents, but he also has no self-disappline which is evident in the way he stinks and doesn't wash properly, his room is rat-invested and most importantly, he doesn't spend enough time on his schoolwork, especially his reading. All requires self-dicipline. The uncleanliness is a teenage thing, so we won't harp on that, but eventually it will affect his life when he starts being interested in the opposite sex.
You need to step up and be a parent to this child. Take responsibility for him, teach him right from wrong, because the fact that he lies, steals, cheats and manipulates indicates that he has never been taught these things. He is crying out to you will all this negative attention and needing you to parent him. But you are too busy. You need to make time for him. Talk to him, tell him what's wrong with how he is behaving. Tell him what he will become if he carries on with his attitude. Make a regular effort to spend alone time with him (doesn't have to cost any money). Explain to him that he cannot just take things that are not his and that if he does, it is theft and is a punishable act. If he breaks someones things, he must pay to replace it. You need to make right on any wrongs because life is hard out there and daddy won't always be there to pick up your pieces and keep you out of trouble.
As for us, we desperately need couples therapy and I have already started making enquires about what is available in our area and the costs. One of the biggest problems in our relationship is my resentment. My resentment for you for not parenting this child,for not being there to enforce rules and when you are around you don't want to parent him, you get irritable with him, and my resentment for SS14 for all the destruction he has caused in my life because he doesn't know any better. You pussy-foot around him. Like this morning, you didn't want to wake him to help you with something because it's his day off (bull crap!) all other kids are at schools, if he doesn't have school, it should not be considered a holiday...he should be doing the work that his teacher has set for him and not rushing through it the night before so that he can have a couch potato day in front of the TV! He should be reading reading reading! He can't read and he is 14!!!!! Also because he is not at school on Wednesdays and on weekends, it doen't mean that you DON'T HAVE TO GIVE HIM HIS MEDICATION!!! Does mowing the lawn today excuse him from schoolwork, his project (due later this term), excuse him from punishment, from activities that are important to his future?
All this that I see happening is making me more and more resentful. I am on heaps of medication just to keep myself from exploding and doing something irrational because I am so F*n resentful & now I am in a depression. It is affecting us in the worst possible way. Our sex life has gone for a ball of sh*t, we cannot talk without arguing. We can't even have family time anymore because of the way I feel around SS14 - and is it entirely his fault? NO! You are the one that my resentment should be aimed at, yet I keep quiet, I don't tell you how I feel and I land up ignoring SS14 and this is wrong. You always find the easy way out when we talk 'my son is a f*up and I (FH) am a f*up and unlike your kid my kid is not perfect so he must rather get the f*ck out of my life because he is ruining my realtionship' How does this help. Avoiding the fact that SS14 IS YOUR resonsibility is not going to help. Step up and be a parent. Make the changes that need to be made. Talk to him ,teach him - stop yelling, stop swearing. Don't beat him, teach him. Talk, talk, talk without getting upset with him. Stop degrading him.
What are you going to do to fix this?
I am going to try to fix my resentments because I don't want to lose you.
Let's try...
MG