Crazy husband says these are the same things
Ok, am I the crazy one?
Husband says these are the SAME THING:
1. Sitting upstairs smoking pot, smoking crack, bringing drugs and drug friends into our house.
2. Bringing in porn magazines and leaving them out, printing off porn and leaving it on the printer in the living room, watching porn on his TV and leaving it playing where anyone can see it.
His son did all those things.
Those are the SAME AS...
1. Watching an R rated movie that has brief glimpses of porn in it (American Psycho)
2. Watching a movie that has references to drugs in it
3. Painting a nude model for an art show
Those are things my son did.
If you had to deal with the first set of things, wouldn't you want that kid out of the house? (he was in counseling several times it did not help)
Your husband must think you
Your husband must think you are incredibly stupid.
I truly believe that he does
I truly believe that he does think I am incredibly stupid... and I think I HAVE been incredibly stupid to put up with his crap for 13 years and allow him to steamroll over me and my son. Yes, I have been STUPID. That ended TODAY. He does not know this yet.
Or he is delusional. They are
Or he is delusional. They are not at all the same thing. The stuff your son did, anyone could/would do. the stuff your SS did -- highly disturbing, harmful AND illegal in the first case.
That stuff is SO NOT OK on SO
That stuff is SO NOT OK on SO MANY LEVELS!!! ugh.
And the sad part is.. I TRIED
And the sad part is.. I TRIED to help the kid. I kept telling my dh we had to get him some help. He REFUSED to believe me for about 2 years! He kept denying that his son was on drugs, even when we FOUND them in his room! He said NOTHING about the porn. When he says that I "Made" him kick him out...this is after the kid was in drug programs 2 or 3 times, had been arrested 2 or 3 times, wrecked 2 cars (which my dh bought him and never said a thing about).. AND he kept begging me to let the son move back in (he left a couple times). I DID write up RULES of living in the house that included things like NO SMOKING (oh yeah, I forgot, he smoked in the house too and that was explicitly NOT ALLOWED), NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO PORN... yes, he signed that paper in the presence of his Dad. It did NO GOOD.
I am so fucking tired of all of this. I just really think there is no saving this marriage. None.
Wanna bet? I DID show him the
Wanna bet?
I DID show him the porn. No comment from him. I said "I'm taking away his computer privs.. " No comment. I showed him the filth in his son's room. No comment. He says "I'll talk to him in private..."
We FOUND pot in his room. He says.. "he says a friend of his left that there..." WTF?
We FOUND a syringe in his guitar case. He says "he has a friend who takes insulin shots.. he left it there."
We FOUND burned spoons in his room. He says " I think he was doing some kind of experiment." Yeah. right.
Case after case, he stuck his head into the sand and REFUSED to take action. Until it got so bad.. that his son passed out and had to be taken to the hospital. THEN he started doing things, but it was too late.
all this time, I have LITTLE kids at home and he shows no mercy for them.
Now he wants to compare THAT behavior with my son (who is a professional artist at the age of 19) painting a nude model for an art show.
And watching a R rated movies (again, he is 19 and I gave him that movie to watch.. I forgot it had that in it)
I feel for you. Husband never
I feel for you. Husband never believed anything his, mine and our kids were doing w/o me having to provide proof! What kind of parenting is this?-NON-PARENTING! Sounds like your husband has serious issues by denying the behaviors as being unacceptable also.SS was doing alot of those things but his dad refused to get him help. Dad in denial will cause permanent damage to all the kids and you! It was a nightmare for me and I changed from all of the stress. You probably have and will continue to waste time policing this kid and your kids will suffer for it! Along with your sanity and your marriage. You need to protect the other kids in house as a mom and kick him to the curb! BTW my husband never changed-He needed to be loved more than loving his kids enough to parent them.Good luck!
Oh, and the kid was 19 when
Oh, and the kid was 19 when he was "made" to leave. I actually had nothing to do with it. His dad and grand dad decided the best thing for him would be to go into the army. So that is what happened. I had nothing to do with it. although if he had not gone into the army, I would have moved out, as I was under extreme stress and could take no more.
ohhh yess because watching
ohhh yess because watching actors on tv do or talk about drugs is as serious as doing them in your house.. I understand where your husband is coming from, I mean one is illegal and one isnt (did ya catch the sarcasm?)
Nude art is just that art, porn is porn.. 2 TOTALLY different things.. I mean is the model getting paid to be filmed having sex with as many guys in as many positions as possible while they are painting her..hmm no.. well then thats not porn..
dh needs to wake up and smell the coffee, slap his kid in a detox center and get some rules down for him.. JMO
So the fact that what his son
So the fact that what his son has done could have the son, you, & your DH doing time makes no difference between the two???
So the fact that what his son
So the fact that what his son has done could have the son, you, & your DH doing time makes no difference between the two???
Ummm.. evidently not. And the fact that I could VERY WELL have LOST custody of my other two children had no effect either. And do you think for one fucking minute that he would put up with that behavior from MY SON?! OMG! His head would be on a platter! My husband would be so self righteous! It just literally makes my blood boil to think about how every little thing my son does becomes this HUGE ISSUE and THOSE things went on with his son!
Well, his son is out of the
Well, his son is out of the house now. He's been living on his own in another state for a couple of years now. this all happened a few years ago. And, yes, when he had to have a drug test to go into the army, they found a LOT Of drugs, but dh declined to tell me exactly what.
But now his son is not doing so well, so dh keeps bringing it up. That I *hated* his son and that I *forced* him out of the house and now he is homeless... (he had an apartment but evidently lost that and is now living in a hotel)
and so now, this morning informs me that I kicked his son out of the house for doing "THE SAME THINGS" that my son is now doing. Hence the list above with the comparison...
Well, no, we do not have a
Well, no, we do not have a house rule about watching R rated movies for the 19yo. I don't think that 19 is too young to watch an R rated movie. I've even shown R rated movies to my other kids when the content was something that I thought was worth watching (Billy Elliott is an example). Drugs and porn and smoking, yes, I have rules about that. They are NOT ALLOWED. I've talked to my children AT LENGTH about these things (well, not so much about porn with the younger ones, but they know about it and the dangers of viewing it on the internet) I have no rules around what art my son creates. He is an artist. He is a mature artist even for 19. He's done ONE nude painting and it was very tasteful, it was a reclining nude and the only thing you see are her breasts. Gasp! A 19yo saw a nude model and painted her! He even set up the appointment and PAID her himself. He was very professional about it. The fact that my husband wants to hold that up as a disgraceful act of pornography makes me incensed.
I am very happy not to
I am very happy not to mention his son or what happened. What needs to happen is my husband needs to LAY OFF my son and stop being unfair to him.
Actually, what needs to happen is my husband needs to get a new personality.. one without a disorder.
I basically believe that there is NO WAY to fix all of this. I think there is just too much CRAP to fix it. I think that I need to get the hell out while I still have some time left to have a happy life. And I'm sorry I've put my oldest son through all of this Bull Shit.
They are not the same on so
They are not the same on so many levels. Specifically #1.
What his son is doing is illegal not to mention disrespectful to the people he lives with. He is an active and intentional participant in the activity. Watching a movie with references to drugs is a passive activity and not necessarily a reflection of someones's tolerance to such.
And movies are rated for a reason. Porn is porn and is different than rated R movies. WHile watching porn might be completely normal, again not being respectful of others is not.
And really, can nude art painting really be considered porn.
It sounds to me like he's
It sounds to me like he's probably deeply ashamed of his son to drag your kid in to it and do comparisions! Mine has tried similar arguments and I just say, Are you freaking kidding me????????
Hopefully the military will straighten him up. I would make sure my DH knows that if ss gets kicked out, etc. that he will need to find someplace else to stay other than with you.
I'm sure this is driving you crazy, poor thing! And I thought MY dh was an enabler! Hang in there.
He managed to get a dui in
He managed to get a dui in the military and get a discharge. So, he's not in there anymore. but he did not move back into our state either.
You and dh should try
You and dh should try counseling. Maybe a third party could talk some sense into him. If not, I say RUN!