Does anyone else feel like they may have made a mistake?
Hi all,
Just wanted to give you a bit of background to my situation. Bear with me. It may be very long.
I am a stepmom to 3 children. My husband has 2 kids with his ex wife, ages 11 and 8. He also has a 5 year old child with an ex-girlfriend. His youngest lives in another country with the mother. I have a child of my own from a previous relationship who is 7. We have been together for about 4 years and married for 6 months. It has not been easy. The ex girlfriend hates my guts and cannot stand, that in her own words that he is with a " low life like me." She wouldn't allow the youngest to come to our wedding, sad as that was for my husband, she will have to live with that decision. I have had to put up with jealousy from his step daughter, who has said some really nasty shit to me, despite me always trying my hardest to emphasise with her and doing fun things with her, babyish and attention seeking behaviour from the 8 year old and now the youngest is showing signs that is mother is starting to poison him against us. When he was staying over the holidays he was repeating stuff that his mother had said to him like " my mum doesn't like you, you are a bad person, etc". I think I always knew from his mother's disgusting messages that she used to send me, that this was bound to happen. I am getting really bad anxiety from all this. On top of all this I have my mother in law going on about how amazing and beautiful the ex- girlfriend is and she still keeps photos of him and the ex wife up in her home, despite allegedly hating her. I feel like I get it from every angle. The stepdaughter at every opportunity talks to my husband in front of me about things her mother has said about all the cool and fun things they did, when they first got together. Her mother is obviously telling her things that perhaps she shouldn't. They have been divorced for 7 years. I feel like the daughter interprets this as some false hope that they may get back together in the future. I never talk about my ex and what we used to do in our dating days in front of my son. The stepdaughter constantly makes fun of mine and her fathers age difference. It is only 11 years. But she must hear this from her mother. I know it sounds pathetic, but it fucks me off so much. I feel like I am gonna explode. My husband to be fair does say things like " he is not interested", but it is not harsh enough as yet, she still continues to say things, just like his mother. I am fed up of him seeing old neighbours and old friends of the ex wife in supermarkets, parks,etc and all this kissing on the cheek, while her friends all sort of smirk at me and give me the once over. He never has to put up with this, as my parents hate my ex and I moved to a completely different area away from my ex and our old friends. I just wish sometimes that he had to put up with all this, so he could see why I get so annoyed. I do talk to him about all this and he just tells me to ignore them and laugh at them. I just can't. Sometimes I ignore it but I still get mega annoyed.
I accept my husband has had a past, just like me. But I feel like being married has hilighted this even more. I just wish I had a " normal life", whatever that is. I did know what I was getting myself into. But I feel like when you first fall I love you become a bit of an idiot and think you can handle it all. I just don't feel like I can. Sometimes I just wanna start a new life with someone, who doesn't have all this stress. I worry about having kids with my husband, as his friends and family keep saying " hope you don't have a kids, he already has enough"and plus he is pulled about all over the place. I find myself getting jealous of newly married couples without all this crap and them having babies together. I am not sure I can ever be truly happy with this situation. I do really love my husband, he treats me good and is such a lovely man, but I feel like I may have made a big mistake. Do I stay with a lovely man with treats me amazingly, but has the most complicate life? Or do I accept this is not the life for me and leave? That scares me. I just don't feel strong enough to cope with all this.
Advice please. I don't know anyone else going through all this. Sorry for the rant. I am just so confused
Get the book "Stepmonster"
Get the book "Stepmonster" and read thoroughly.
Success depends on how your HUSBAND deals with this situation.
Is he a guilty/Disney dad that wants to give the BM the "benefit of the doubt?" (aka ostrich syndrome)
When you bring up a concern, does he scoff it off or say "I didn't see Junior do that" which is a death knell IOW he trusts Junior more than he trusts you as a fully grown adult spousal equal (or supposed to be).
Thinkthrice thank you for
Thinkthrice thank you for your response. I am going to order that book right away.
Yeah he is definitely a guilty/ Disney dad without a doubt. Although, he has got abit better. But it is like he tries and then gives up.
If one of them do something which I feel is out of line I will tell my husband, but sometimes he shouts at me infront of them and says things like " what is wrong with you? She is an 11 year old girl. She didn't mean it that away. Not everything is a vendetta against you. Are you mad?" That is the usual response. But I am not an idiot and I know what they mean. One time I heard the daughter talking shit about me to her dad and I just couldn't help myself, I charged in the room and told her I could hear her and that she was out of order. Maybe not the right response, but I was so mad. My husband just sat there hugging her on the sofa, while they looked at me like I killed someone. I was so hurt. I packed my bags and took my son and I to stay at my parents for the weekend. He is supposed to stand united with me . But most of the time I end up looking like the big bad wolf. Same with his mother or if the ex insults me. If I get upset and have a go back he gets mad at me . Not them.
So why do you put up with
So why do you put up with this?
My husband once, when we just got married, accused me of some not nice things--like how I will be just like BM. I gave him the ring back and told him we're going to the lawyers tomorrow to annul this marriage. That was it. He apologized constantly and has never so much as made another comment like that ever again.
People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Even when I can't stand my husband and we're having a bad day, if our kids give him an attitude or they give me one, we're on top of them immediately. Regardless of how we might feel about each other, not correcting rude behavior is doing a disservice to our child, not to mention the other adults. When they get out in the real world, they're going to find that they can't act out at people without consequence and in the real world, it's definitely not as nice.
What do you want out of your marriage? Anxiety, depression, and being treated like trash is probably not on that list, but this is a marriage that would bring all of that.
He's not doing any good for
He's not doing any good for his kids and definitely not for his marriage. He should NEVER put you down or question what you're saying in front of the kids. That's the worst possible thing he can be doing. My stepdaughter was grumpy last night about having to go to bed and refused to say goodnight to me, so my husband told her to walk upstairs and put herself to bed because he won't put up with her being rude to me. He does this ANYTIME she even shows an ounce of attitude to me... and my stepdaughter and I have a great relationship. She's only 5 and whenever she gets bratty like 5 year olds do, he reminds her that I do a lot for her so she needs to say thank you/be appreciative.
Your husband isn't doing his job as a husband to you.
^^THIS^^ Thinkthrice is right
^^THIS^^
Thinkthrice is right on it!!
Your husband is key here. If if if, you were my daughter and she came to me with this I would let her know that it is OK to walk away from this. Heck I would gift you the money to cut clean, simple divorce NO drama and move on.
Your bio is very young from your previous marriage. THANK God you do not have a child with DH based on everything. Please focus on your 7 year old. Since your experience is not good imagine what your 7 year old is going thru.
They say IF you think you made a mistake, chances are you have.
GO live your life your way, raise your daughter in a home where she/he can have peace.
Just my 2 cents.
You sound very hurt and
You sound very hurt and frustrated, 1807. I have BEEN THERE. I am watching (from afar), the BM's boyfriend BEING THERE. And it totally sucks.
KNOW THIS: You CANNOT make it work if your DH does not support you, or back you up. You CANNOT make it work by yourself. I have had SEVERAL situations where the snotty SD17 would end up disrespecting me with a snotty comment. I call her on it immediately, and then it becomes a huge issue of "Daddy - your choosing your GIRLFRIEND over your own daughter?"
And he backs me up. Tells her to watch her mouth, he loves us BOTH, its not about choosing, but she is to RESPECT me. Then, if she does not apologize, and the next day or that day, we are going somewhere to do something fun - no she absolutely CANNOT join us.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your responses. Thank you for understanding and not making me think that I am not alone.
I was in an mentally abusive relationship previously, which shattered my confidence immensely. I do believe this could be the root cause as to why I ended up and continued in this crazy situation. I feel like I have gone from an abusive relationship into something else which messes me up. Although I have no idea how I would describe it.
Nottoosure- this marriage gives me love but it is taken over by anxiety, panic attacks and just a stab at my self esteem.
Good luck - I want you to be my mother. Haha. It actually made me feel emotional reading your response, because I know you are right. I am so glad I di not have his baby. I really am. Surely I shouldn't be thinking that of my husband right? I often tell him my concerns on having a child. I worry that this situation would not be healthy to a new born. He could never give the child the attention it deserves, although he says " you see how much I love my kids and how much attention I give them." I roll my eyes. I also express my concerns about him travelling so far to collect his youngest and the effect fact would have on the baby and myself. Like if I was to go into labour early, the baby was sick, etc. he tells me I am a fantasist. I just think I am being sensible. He always says that he knows I will leave him eventually, because the situation will get to much. I feel like a dumb fuck, because at first I thought " aaah how lovely he does all these things for his kids, it won't bother me that much him having all these kids to different women, one lives in another country. I can handle this. The truth is I feel like I have woken up and it has hit me that I cannit actually handle this. He announced to me last night that the flights were getting so expensive to get his son and that he didn't have much annual leave to take this year at work, so he will stay over night on a Thursday in the country my stepson lives and then he willl bring him over to us the following day and then on the Sunday morning he will take his son back home and He wants me to look after his other two kids. The thing in all that, that concerns me is that yeah he will only be doing that once a month, so all in all its not that bad, but what I don't like is how it may affect our future and this sounds really selfish , but that means all of my concerns with having a child with him make even more sense.
Morrimom- how did you manage to leave it all? Did something happen where you just thought fuck this shit?!
Superjew- that made me laugh. But yes he can be a massive twat. I have had numerous conversations, where I have told him please tell her not to say this, it is offensive and one day someone is gonna really tell her and their will be consequences ,where she has gone too far. Nip it in the bud now. His response, if it is regarding his daughter repeating something the mother has said " I know that she will go back and tell her mum that I have called her up on it. Then her mum will think it's funny that she has wound you up. Just ignore it. Do you really want her mother thinking it upsets her?" I cannot win here.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments, but my view on this....
block both BM's from your life and your phone.... you owe these woman nothing, you did not have sex with them and your DH should deal with them not you. They both are jealous, the Ex wife because DH is happy and the Ex girl friend because even when she did try and catch him getting pregnant he still did not marry her, he left her and married some one else.....
Regarding the children, if they start talking about... my mum... cut them off and say is not living here and we do not care what she does with her life, change the topic. If the skids talks about what a wonderful couple BM and DH was, laugh and say yes so wonderful they divorced and will never get back together again.... Don't sugar coat anything.
Disengage from the kids, they are not your children, you do nothing for them, you only do for your child....
Step away from the history and live for today, once you decided the previous woman is not part of your history and you do not care what they do, you will feel much much better.... also be friendly with MIL but never trust her, if she starts talking about the ex woman, smile and say I do not know these woman and I do not like gossip... change the subject or simply leave the area MIL is in talking about the Ex woman... works like a charm, mine stopped talking about BM after 6 months.... never trust MIL..
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response to my post.
On Saturday my stepdaughter literally spoke about her mother none stop. She does it in the car a lot, so I cannot escape I think. My husband turned to me and said quietly ( even though step daughter was practically leaning over the seat while she was talking) " are you ok with this?" I said " well what do you think." He looked annoyed and tried to change the subject topic. I know he was sort of trying, but that's not good enough. She still continued, so I turned around to herr " look we don't want to hear about your mum, it bores me.'. Husband gritted his teeth and said to me " will you stop getting so angry all the time. What is wrong with you? You need to speak to someone about all this anger." I didn't even raise my voice.
Thank you for the tips on the MiIL. That woman is not nice. She has an evil streak in her for sure. The last time she spoke about both BM's I walked out the room to calm myself down. About 15 minutes later I returned to the room. MIL said " oh I didn't upset you did I?" She said this with a sly smile. I know that I sound like I am playing the victim, but I know when someone does not like me and I know she is always trying to upset me. When I confronted my husband, because I was annoyed that he didn't say anything, he said " I cannot control what other people say or do. You just want me to be aggressive like people in your past have been." I really don't want aggression, I want someone to support me.
It stresses me out so much.
husband say: I cannot control
husband say: I cannot control what other people say or do.
you reply - but I can ... and I will stop people from talking about your ex wife....
next time SD starts about her mum - simply smile and say sweety you are gossiping, what happens in BM's life is her business not ours, how was school today....... and you keep on doing this... they get tired after a couple off months lol
I went full on b!tch when Aergia said to SO - You and mum where such a strong team, I said... yeah so strong your mother got pregnant by her boyfriend while married to your father and now they are divorced? Think you need to look up what a strong means ... now get lost.... SO was not happy at all Aergia burst out in tears, but never spoke of her BM again
EDIT to ADD; Mil's comment - you reply... no you did not upset me but I'm bored listening to how you slander a woman who's not here to defend herself.... if you want to gossip about BM, call her, let her come over and say it in front of her... (yes this I did as well)
"You're gonna leave me
"You're gonna leave me anyway." Huge red flag. Manipulation at its finest.
Make his dreams come true and leave. Let him say "I told you so." It will be awesome. not being sarcastic.
"Wtf is wrong with you? here's a cuddle, my girl, daddee protect you from big bad meanie." Oh, just no. This is horrendous. You have been sucked into his web in order that he may live a triangulated life. He loves this. It'll be nothing but hell for you.
Leave.
Do it now while you are still strong and sane. With this much gaslighting and humiliating going on, you will not have either of those for long.
Chief thank you for your
Chief thank you for your response.
Yeah husband always says whenever I tell him that his liife is a lot for me to deal with at time " I know you are gonna leave me for someone your own age and have a child with them." And yes that is manipulation. The way I see it is. He has everything made for him. I just feel like I am floating along and I hate to say it. But I feel like I am missing out. I think deep down he feels some kind of guilt for what I put up with, but he would never ever admit it.
I have left a few times and stupidly gone back. I feel stuck. I feel depressed and I get so anxious. It makes me ill.
I really don't feel like I can stay with him forever. I am so anxious about the future. I just don't know how I would go and how I could survive.
Get out if you can. These
Get out if you can. These situations only get worse as time goes on.