Engaged to a man with 2 kids-under a lot of pressure
I am engaged to someone I met through a meet up group. He lied to me and told me he was separated from his kids mom. I believed him and fell for him. Almost one year later I discovered his lie (he went through extreme lengths to convince me they were broken up). Anyhow, I left him. Several months later they actually were broken up and I took him back as I believed he was remorseful. He had intensive therapy during this time.
fast forward two years and I live with him and we are engaged. He has his kids at least 50% of the time. He feels very guilty about breaking up the family and his parenting style demonstrates his guilt. He makes them the center of all attention and the kids are out of control much of the time. I love the kids very much but they don’t listen and are pretty entitled. I do not blame the kids for this and I see it mainly as a result of their parents actions. Their mom does not discipline in any way and seems very happy to be free of her kids at least half time.
My fiancé and I fight daily. He wants more help from me with the kids. And I feel stressed out, uncared for in my relationship and at my wit’s end. I’m 41 and don’t have kids of my own.
When we met he told me how amazing it would all be. It’s not like that and I’m drowning in stress.
i would have never dated him if I knew he was still entangled with the mother. I chose to forgive him and now my world has turned into one stressor after the next with a lot of pressure on me to do more.
Any advice?
Leave. You have no kids, no
Leave. You have no kids, no baggage. Find a childless man and start your own family.
Yes, leave. You made a
Yes, leave. You made a mistake; the relationship is not working out for you (or him, since he wants you to do more). Just because you are in a relationship now, does not mean you have to stay in one.
You have no kids... live the no kids lifestyle. Lots of travel, luxury items, early retirement... whatever you want. Otherwise you can look forward to having him ask you to help fund cars, college, and weddings. Of course babysitting grandskids, that he will likely ask you to do more for also.
Leave the shit show and live your life!
He wants more help from me
This is even more important than the fact that he lied to you while cheating on his ex. Those are NOT your children. The bio parents and ONLY the bio parents are responsible for them. Of course he wants to palm them off on you - he's too lazy and irresponsible to step up to HIS responsibility to those children.
Any spouse who wants to dump their responsibilities on a third party is just a selfish POS.
Maybe he truly has become a "changed person" from the lying cheat that he was when you first met him. But he's still a self centered ahole who wants to use you.
He lied to you about
He lied to you about something pretty important, for a pretty long time. He feels guilty about breaking up the family, parents from that guilt, which is not working, so wants you to parent them. You fight daily.
You are 41 and childless, please leave this guy to clean up the mess that he made, and find someone who wants to make you happy.
I agree with everything that
I agree with everything that has been said already- you are a little older than I was when I entered my relationship (although that doesn't really matter, you are still young and should find what truly makes you happy!) but everything else you are saying is so spot on to what I entered into.
I just thought I could change things, or that things would get better, or that the PEOPLE in my situation (including me) would change and adapt to our new "family."
No, that didn't happen at all.
Now I am in a long term, unhealthy relationship, two step children, two children of my own, lots of stress and baggage and living for a "schedule" that is centered around someone else's kids, and having a lot of trouble deciding how to get out, or if I even should for my childrens sake (this is another post of mine).
DONT let this happen to you - don't get married and then legally tied to this person, don't "settle," don't be responsible for others that may or may not give a flying fudgepop about you. It will drain you emotionally, physically.
Find happiness elsewhere- I know this is dramatic advice and I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, but I know more people than not that are unhappy in their blended family circumstance. It's just not a situation that I think our human hearts were meant to handle in the capacity that we are expected to.
Leave him. He's not
Leave him. He's not trustworthy - your entire relationship began with a lie!
A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not cause excessive stress. If you're fighting daily and feeling stressed and uncared for, this is not the relationship for you. All the red flags for step-hell are there - guilty daddy, lack of parenting, out of control, entitled kids, an over-involved BM. Cut your losses and get out of this relationship.
If you fight every day,now
Do you think it’s going to get any better ? It only get worst the longer it goes on. Leave now. Find someone you don’t fight with everyday . This man is not for anyone except his EX
Run
Run
Do you really need a bunch of
Do you really need a bunch of strangers to tell you what you already know? You know he's a skilled liar - that doesn't change. Once someone has developed that ability, they generally don't give it up, therapy or otherwise, they just learn to hide it better. He's someone with poor character, and he's not going to make you happy. Plus he's expecting you to step in and be mother to his kids, which is entirely unreasonable.
Please get out now. If you are thinking he's your last chance because you are 41, that's the wrong reason to get married.
I don’t know what the realistic expectation
I don’t know what a realistic expectation of step parents is because I don’t have kids of my own so I’m trying to determine whether I’m selfish or he is unreasonable. That’s why I am here. For instance he wants me to help him get the kids ready or pack their lunches in the morning because he is tight in time. And I feel I shouldn’t have to. I want to sleep because more often than not one of the kids has walked into our room earlier in the morning to wake us up for some random reason. The kids are 5 and 7. He refuses to close our bedroom door so they have to knock. They walk right in. I don’t have any child free space though I can take time for myself and ask them to leave me alone when I need alone time. Also in regards to finances, he wants me to pitch in more. He makes great money but he says by the end of the month he is under with all his responsibilities. I feel like I spend enough moment on our household (I don’t pay his mortgage or set bills but I pay extra costs (food, clothes, remodel costs) and that amount comes to more than I paid for my rent and monthly housing costs when I was single). He has made several remarks about my boy handling my finances well and I’m not sure what to make of them. Is he being reasonable that I should pitch in more financially or am I right that u should not?
Discipline. He thinks it’s unfair that he is the only one who has to do it (he does it very oddly). His kids mom won’t do it and I’ve told him I don’t feel comfortable doing it because they aren’t my kids. He thinks this turns him into the bad guy and I’m not helping him. He thinks because every dollar of mine isn’t going into the household I’m not helping him. He thinks because I don’t help with the kid chores, I’m not helping him. And I think I’m already doing far too much and I don’t appreciate the pressure.
I came here to get advice from experienced step parents and biological parents, how do these things unfold? Do they get better at all? Am I unreasonable to take my positions or is he?
as if bow, the kids don’t listen, they need to be told countless times to do simple tasks, and they think they run the house. Well because they sort of do. And I don’t blame them. The adults here are failing and I’m wondering what part of that is my responsibility.
This sounds really bad! Here
This sounds really bad! Here’s my situation: my DH expects NOTHING from me re: ss11. If I cook for the whole family when he is here I make a little extra. That’s basically it. No money, no gifts, no parenting. He knows ss is HIS responsibility. And for what it’s worth, I got married at 40. Don’t let your age scare you into thinking you need to accept this really bad deal! Your SO sounds like a user plain and simple. Please leave.
I don’t know what the realistic expectation
I don’t know what a realistic expectation of step parents is because I don’t have kids of my own so I’m trying to determine whether I’m selfish or he is unreasonable. That’s why I am here. For instance he wants me to help him get the kids ready or pack their lunches in the morning because he is tight in time. And I feel I shouldn’t have to. I want to sleep because more often than not one of the kids has walked into our room earlier in the morning to wake us up for some random reason. The kids are 5 and 7. He refuses to close our bedroom door so they have to knock. They walk right in. I don’t have any child free space though I can take time for myself and ask them to leave me alone when I need alone time. Also in regards to finances, he wants me to pitch in more. He makes great money but he says by the end of the month he is under with all his responsibilities. I feel like I spend enough money on our household (I don’t pay his mortgage or set bills but I pay extra costs (food, clothes, remodel costs) and that amount comes to more than I paid for my rent and monthly housing costs when I was single). He has made several remarks about my not handling my finances well and I’m not sure what to make of them. Is he being reasonable that I should pitch in more financially or am I right that I should not?
Discipline. He thinks it’s unfair that he is the only one who has to do it (he does it very randomly ). His kids mom won’t do it and I’ve told him I don’t feel comfortable doing it because they aren’t my kids. He thinks this turns him into the bad guy and I’m not helping him. He thinks because every dollar of mine isn’t going into the household I’m not helping him enough.He thinks because I don’t help with the kid chores, I’m not helping him. And I think I’m already doing far too much and I don’t appreciate the pressure.
I came here to get advice from experienced step parents and biological parents, how do these things unfold? Do they get better at all? Am I unreasonable to take my positions or is he?
As of now, the kids don’t listen, they need to be told countless times to do simple tasks, and they think they run the house. Well because they sort of do. And I don’t blame them. The adults here are failing and I’m wondering what part of that is my responsibility.
Also, I’m not someone who thinks she has to get married
because it’s my last chance. I’m attractive, well educated, well employed, fun with a fantastic network of family and friends. I just met someone, fell deeply in love, signed onto a complicated situation because of his life circumstances and am now wondering if the expectations of me are reasonable.
This man has lied and gaslighted me before. He went to therapy for a year and I believe he healed to a degree. He is currently trying to make me believe I’m unreasonable and that this is what parenting is. I spoke to a counselor who only advised me to set boundaries. I don’t know other people handling step families and so I found this website and deeply appreciate any advice or perspectives of people who have managed such situations.
Lastly to all those who have commented, I hear you loud and clear. He is someone I really value but the constant fighting about kid related issues is damaging both of our lives.
You are outnumbered in the household, & have been lied to,
gaslighted, and hassled to "contribute" more monetarily. DO NOT DO ANYTHING HE ASKS OF YOU.
Life is only just beginning at 40.You said yourself you're attractive, make your own money etc. you are a prize, a queen, companion/couple ROYALTY , golden!
If he had to try to sell you on how "fun" this would be, let's think about that logically for a second. The mere fact he had to give you the hard sell on how great it would be is very telling. Are you having fun yet? Fighting daily, being lied to, gaslighted, and hassled about contributing YOUR HARD EARNED money to his pathetic cause. I would guess the answer is a big N-O!
Get out! You are under absolutely no obligation to help him with the mess he created.
What matters is what YOU
What matters is what YOU expect. You will find people on this board who think it's totally their job to pitch in and help with stepkids - you are not one of those people, and neither am I. You will also find people who think marriage means you throw your money together and you both pay for everything (including for stepkids) - you aren't one of those women, and neither am I.
The difference is, I found a man who agreed with my expectations and I with his - so it's worked out well. You didn't. Let this one go - let him find a woman who is willing to help with his kids, they are out there. You find a man who knows that "being the bad guy" is part of parenting and therefore HIS job.
The biggest issue here is that you really seem to doubt yourself - is that because of his lying and gaslighting, or did that pre-date him?
Really?
Really?
Pull your head out of your own ass and gain some clarity and confidence.
Move on.
That you are hell bent on marrying an adulterous liar and merging your life with he and his toxic shallow and polluted gene pool is beyond baffling.
Not having children, yadda, yadda, yadda has absolutely zero to do with your acceptance of this failed POS and his toxic "out of control" prior relationship breeding experiments.
Care for yourself, respect yourself and purge the toxic from your life.
Good luck.
Who said I’m hell bent? Simmer down.
I’m engaged but we have not set a date for anything. We are currently having conversations to make clear what I am willing to do and what I’m not.
I’m uncertain what you mean by not having children yada yada yada. I shared that to demonstrate I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. I came her simply to get opinions from parents and step parents on what amount of work I am responsible for.
And since the start of this conversation, I’ve started one at home. That I will do what I want to do on my terms and if that doesn’t work, then so it is.
At the end of the day, I stuck by someone because I felt he changed. I still do. As an imperfect person myself, I do not hold people’s intense mistakes as the only definition of who they are.
That said, a situation in which I’m continually sacrificing myself and needs because of his circumstances that he created, doesn’t work for me. And he knows it now.
I think your SO has a few
I think your SO has a few unrealistic expectations.. but you also may need to compromise in some ways.. but things would need to be "fully explored" financially to figure that part out.
1. No.. it's not YOUR job to take care of his kids, pack lunches etc... He should be responsible for taking care of his kids when they are with your.. Now, if you WANT to help... perhaps take some strain/load off of him if he is working a highly demanding job.. that is up to you.. and VOLUNTARY.
2. Finances. You say you don't pay toward housing or set bills.. but you are paying more than you were in rent. I do firmly believe that even if you don't own a home.. you should be contributing a fair 'rental" share of the home. You say you are covering more than you paid in rent in the past.. but is this home markedly more expensive/larger/nicer than your prior rental? If so.. your fair share of housing cost might be more than you are currently paying. But, it's not for you to make up the difference because he has a lot of financial obligations due to his children and Exwife.
I don't agree with people who say.. I won't pay towards the mortgage because I'm not on the deed. I think you should pay a reasonable "rent" that would be basically your share of the housing costs.. if you were renting the home with him.. he owes a larger share obviously, because it's him AND kids... where you just pay for one adult share.
So... it's not that you shouldn't help him with the kids.. but you aren't obligated.. just like he isn't obligated to walk your dog or change your oil.. and you aren't obligated to do his laundry. Of course, couples often do favors and split chores up.. so maybe you help him with the kids and he does other things for you.. but it should never be a "your the woman so you have to do the childrearing".. unless that is some agreement that you make in exchange for him doing some work for you..or paying you to do it (babysitting).
You could look at the finances of the home and think about how they are broken out.. and you may find that you are paying less or more than you are now.. but I would look into that. But the reason shouldn't be because he doesn't like the fact that he has less money cause HE has kids.
Thanks Edmod, for answering the question.
1. He makes me feel pressured to help and even though I help in some ways, he says he needs more. He makes me feel guilty about it and I hate this feeling.
2. I gave up a 2 bedroom apt that was all mine. In his house, I share the master bedroom with him and he doesn’t want a closed door (where kids have to knock) so I don’t really feel it’s my space. In addition to this, I preferred the city I was living in over the city where I am living now. We have to live here because the kids go to school here and their mom won’t move. Basically, his home is of no convenience to me and I actually dislike the city it’s in. If it were not for him, I’d move back to where I’m from, immediately.
As for cost, I pay more now towards our household than I did when I was on and had my own space.
It honestly sounds like this
It honestly sounds like this may not be the right situation for you. It did not have a great start based on his lies to you... and honestly... it may be more than you are prepared to give to him. Children are a big obligation in time and money. I married a man with 2 kids who thankfully grew into independent women who we dont pay ongoing support for. We set expectations that they needed to work and pay for their own lives and education past 18.
Now...I will admit that I did help financially when they were under 18...for a variety of reasons... but it was voluntary and I feel our lives were fairly balanced...even though I often earned more.
I dont like the fact that he is pressuring you to be more generous with your resources because he has kids. The fact that he is guilty dadding is likely to make these demands ongoing even as the kids reach adult ages. The may call you selfish...but in reality it is selfish of him to expect you to support children you did not create