Ex GF close with in-laws
Hi fellow stepparents! New here, and desperate for advice and shared experiences. Please help.
I am the stepmother of a 9 year old girl and I have been married to her father for three years. We are expecting our first child (and my first child) in a few months. The BM and my DH were never married, she accidentally got pregnant and they tried to make things work for a few years until he could not do it anymore. I get along great with my SD, but the BM is rather difficult to deal with.
BM has hated me from day one, and she has tried everything to break us apart. She has harassed us, stalked us, violated us and threatened us. We have managed to stay strong together and we have found that ignoring her works best, as every time we try to "fight back" in any way, shape or form, it just escalates.
So, ignoring it is. Which would have worked out perfectly, had it not been for the fact that my in-laws are still very close with her. Supposedly for the sake of their granddaughter. However, I feel that their relationship with BM is rather abnormal, and I feel like I do not really know my in-laws and that they have never given me a chance to get to know them. They spend all holidays and vacations with the BM, and a lot of those times DH and I have SD, so BM is with my in laws without SD. Most of the time, my DH and I are not even invited, but if they on rare occasions do invite us, we obviously choose not to attend because she will be there.
Is this normal? Is this acceptable? Even if BM was "normal" (ie friendly), I think this would have been weird. But maybe it is just me. I really don't know, and I don't have any friends in similar situations so I am hoping someone here can help me shed some light on this problem. I am torn between confronting my in-laws and telling them exactly how I feel, or just cutting them out of my life completely. I feel like you can't tell others what to do, and since this is obviously what they want, I kind of feel like leaving them to it. However, we are having a child soon, so that makes the situation more complicated.
Thank you for reading.
Three years and the inlaws
Three years and the inlaws still haven't accepted you. Doesn't look like they will. The only one who can say anything is DH, their son. He should have made his feeling clear when you got together. If he did that and they still choose BM, then you can choose to stay away. Toxic people do not have to be tolerated. Choices DO HAVE consequences. Feel free to give them some.
had it not been for the fact
I could have written your entire post myself:
Disengage. Make a life of your own with the new little one coming. These people have a weird, over attachment with the step daughter, as you’ll most likely NEVER shed this light on them.
Seriously, save yourself the heartache and focus on you and yours.
My parents and I always were
My parents and I always were close to my brother’s ex (mother of his only child). But my ex SIL was never included in any holiday celebrations. Nor any other time when my brother was going to be there.
I tend to take a total
I tend to take a total confrontation and keep in in their faces attitude in these situations. I will not retreat from being at my bride's side ... even when we are in the presense of toxic people. For sure I would not allow my (hypothetical) child to take a back seat to a prior relationship spawn of my spouse.... even with my ILs. They would have to take their position very publically for anyone to see because I would not give them a choice. They would have to stand their toxic ground.. or capitulate.
But... that may just be me.
Good luck and congratulations on the baby.