HELP!!!
Ok, so the situation is OH and I live together (fairly recent - since January) Before we moved in we dated for many many months and talked a whole lot about how we wanted things to be, about parenting and expectations etc. I thought we were on the same page about what we wanted.
He has 2 kids - SD11 and SS8 - just kids - no different, better or worse than any others, they are far from perfect - but at the end of the day just kids IYKWIM. I have 4 DD's, the oldest (22) doesn't live with us. Misses 19, 9 and 6 do. DD19 not so much involved in this as she is an adult.
The issue is that he doens't discipline his kids when they are here, spoils them, panders to their every whim (they drive me mad, they are lazy and whinge and whine and WANT all the time - but this is NOT their fault. It's how they have been parented)
I DO NOT parent this way (LOL)
We have fought, discussed, worked out plans and discussed expectations, but he never sticks to them.
Yesterday was the last straw for me. We have very poor internet connection where we live so the kids are not allowed online at the house (we only get 10gb with our mobile BB plan, and it is so slow and patchy that I can't justify wasting it on the kids playing games) So, we take them to the library every weekend - there are free use computers there and generally they can all be logged on and play for an hour. Parents are required to sign them in at the desk though - they cannot access the PC's on their own.
We got there yesterday and the pc's were all being used (1 was free) So we discussed that they wouldn't all be able to go on, and that it would be best not to allow any on - not fair for one or two to have a turn and the others miss out. They raced in, returned their books, hunted out new things to borrow - so none of them were with us for the above conversation. He went and read the paper while I found some books and sat to read (have a broken ankle so not moving far - I find a seat and sit while they are busy) My DD's 9 & 6 come over and ask me if they can go on the pc's - I explain that we have decided no PC for anyone today as it is so busy and not fair for some to miss out.
I scan the room to keep an eye on everyone and 10 minutes later I see him at the desk with SS8, SD11 nearby. Keep watching, and soon enough they go to the PC's and he logs SS on, then himself on to the next one. Miss 6 comes over all upset and asks why? and that SD11 is booked in and just waiting for the next free PC!!
I ask her to get OH to come over to me. He does. I ask him what's going on "nothing much!" "OK, where is everyone?" "oh around..."
So I say "oh, so not on the computers then?" He waffles a bit and then says "Oh SD11 logged in by herself so I logged SS8 in! I just offered DD6 to use mine when I am done!!" (yeah right - only because he knew he had been caught!) I said I saw him at the counter with SS8, and that SD11 hadn't yet got on, she had a booking!
He cannot seem to grasp that when we make decisions together he needs to stick by them. That he is letting ME down when he doesn't, that MY kids are missing out and being treated unfairly every time he pulls this sort of thing. He thinks I am over-reacting, no big deal etc. HOW do I get him to see that we need to have one set of rules for ALL the kids, and that we both need to stick with them ALL the time?
I have reached the point where I feel like he goes behind my back all the time, makes decisions with the BM without considering me, changes things to suit his kids without considering me or mine - HOW do I make him see what this does to our relationship, to the trust we NEED to have?
I actually took my kids and we stayed at a motel last night I was so upset by his refusal to see past the small issue to the damage that this constant undermining is doing to us.
Your first mistake...moving
Your first mistake...moving in. I've learned it doesn't matter how much you talk about the way you think it should be, because it will pan out much differently. You don't say how long you've been together, so I'm not sure how well you really knew each other. But I've been with my bf for almost a year and a half, and I have learned that how he SAYS he parents is WAY off from how he actually parents. I think he USED to parent a certain way...before the divorce...before he became a guilty daddy. And he doesn't see what he's doing. I can totally relate to the same exact thing you are saying, so my guess is that it's pretty common. I have no solution for you. My solution has been NO moving in together. At this point, I have to pretend he does not exist when he has his kids. I can't depend on him, can't expect anything from him, and couldn't care less about doing anymore activities with them. Because THEY.WILL.ALWAYS.COME.FIRST. Not the kids fault, but I will not be treated that way, I won't let my kids be treated that way, and I won't let my kids see me being treated that way. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with and have a plan of action if he is unable to meet your expectations. I don't think it will get better for you. It rarely does!
Have known him for 27 years
Yes - he says he parents a certain way but the reality has turned out to be different, definitely guilty dad going on. I do think that while he was married the main discipline etc came from BM and he has always been very laid back. Now add the guilt over leaving them and "laid-back" has become "give them whatever they want so they still love me"
You are right about my kids and I should not be treated this way and that is the major problem I am having - making him understand that how he chooses to parent and the decisions HE is making impact on my and mine.
We are booked in for counselling with a "step" trained counsellor but not until next Tuesday.
I have returned home, (he is still at work) but via text he has said that "yes he made a bad judgement call but that I always over-react"
That is because he takes each situation in isolation whereas I am seeing an overall pattern and that is what HE needs to see.
Will see how we go when he gets home. But he does need to understand that I am not taking it anymore. If he cannot stick to the decisions and expectations that I have in my home (he wont sit and work out mutual family rules so that all the kids know what is expected and we both have a say) then I will be telling him don't bring them here until he is prepared to parent them all the same and fairly.
Failing that I guess we move out (or he does!)
my.kids.mom is right here.
my.kids.mom is right here. This really isn't going to get better. These kids are young and this is how he parents them. Little kids, little problems. When they get older they will want bigger and better things, and become more and more demanding - big kids, big problems. My husband was estranged from his children when we got married, I stupidly encouraged him to have a relationship with them. Biggest mistake of my life, it has all but ruined the marriage because he was treated his adult children the same way your partner treats his little ones, they never stop giving into these kids, these kids always come first and the older they get the more demanding they become. I put up with 8 years of abuse from his kids before I finally banned the SD from my home, very long story, but a clue to her behaviour, she made it clearly know she wished to see her father and I dead and then she would claim our home our savings etc., and she saw us both as standing in the way of getting our possessions. NOW, what did DH think of that, well, it wasn't her fault, she was just mad because he left her mum, yeah 15 years ago, she doesn't mean it, you (me) are too sensitive, you just don't like her (well after 8 years of her crap that was true), you dont' want me to have a realtionship with my kids - huh! who went out of their way to contact them and invite the little shits into our home, that'd be me trying to help YOU have a relationship with the kids YOU said were angels and adored you, and a million other excuses for this girls evil behaviour. So, after not seeing his kids for years he went straight back into letting them run his life, demand and get whatever they wanted including a car (well I thumbs down that one to be honest) and agreed to give $3,500 towards it, but he was not happy about that. No matter what we gave or did it was never enough, you really do not want this life. I wish I had never ever gotten myself involved in this, and guess what - He was my soulmate, the love of my life, my one and only. I believed he loved me too. Actually maybe that was my first mistake, believing he loved me as I loved him just because he said he did. Because at the end of the day, these guys don't love anyone but themselves, they are too selfish to even parent their own children and bring them up to be independant self assured and productive adults, they just want the kids to LIKE them, more than they want what is best for the kids. Given they are so self centred, they really cannot love anyone in a way that is in the best interests of that person whether it be wife or child. Sorry.
Which means he KNOWS he was
Which means he KNOWS he was wrong.
When you meet with the
When you meet with the counselor, approach this like Ripley says. Don't approach it from "it lets me down and affects me and my children". Your children aren't his responsibility. Now, I'm not saying it is fair to your kids and I'm not saying it shouldn't upset you. It should and I agree whole-heartedly with you. That said, the goal is to get him to change and as long as you're making it about you or your kids or fairness, he isn't going to hear you or think it is a big deal because right now his goal is to make his kids happy and that trumps what you or your kids feel, kwim?
You need to make this about the long-term impact on HIS kids. How he isn't teaching them to cope with disappointment and base their relationships on real values and not entitlement and getting everything they want. Does he really want adult kids who only "love" him because he panders to them? Does he want kids who only know how to be happy when life is going exactly how they want it to go? Does he want his kids to not be able to cope with disappointment? He's setting them up for failure by letting them think that the world will give them what they want. Is that what he wants for them?
This is the technique I use with my dh. I relate SD's current behavior to adult behavior that drives dh insane. Fortunately for me, my dh listens and does not want his kid to grow up to be anymore like her mother than she already is. Also fortunate for me is thef act that dh's counselor told him that it is his job to teach his kid how to be an adult. "she is just a kid" fell out of his vocabulary because this counselor told him "she knows how to be a kid. You don't need to remind her or anyone else she is a kid and you don't need to help her be a kid. It is your JOB as a parent to teach her how to be an adult".
OMG - that last line -
OMG - that last line - teaching them how to be adults - I actually said that to him a few weeks ago!!! I have been saying over and over that I parent the way I do because I am raising adults not children - they are already children!!! And that for everything I do (and no - not perfect - probably too strict, and I do yell a bit LOL) but there are reasons and lessons in the way I parent, I want my kids to grow up to be independant, to be considerate, to be capapble and confident. Not lazy, rude little so and so's who think the world owes them a living.
This is the angle I have been using for the last few months to attempt to make him see that his parenting approach is just plain wrong (LOL - never used those words to him of course!)
And I have read and read and read, and researched etc. and made the appt with the counsellor.
We talked for hours last night, and the end result is that we have BOTH agreed that we will listen to the counsellor and that if what she is saying makes sense then we will attempt to put it into practice - I did have a bitch moment where I told him that yes I make mistakes but that I am pretty dammed confident about what she will be saying is the problem LOL
Ripley - you are very right about the moment to moment thing, and I think (this became clear last night and I think we had a breakthrough - not with the parenting but in how he sees things in general) He did apologize for his bad judgement call on Sunday, and I said that would be great and it would all be over if it had been an isolated incident - at which he got really annoyed at me because he saw that as me not letting it go sort of thing. When I pointed out that the REASON I can't "let it go" is that the actual incident (just like all the others) wasn't the problem - that there is an underlying problem and the fighting will keep on happening until the underlying problem is addressed he could see what I meant. He doesn't know (can't work out bless him) what the underlying problem is. I told him I know but I am not telling him, I have already, but will wait for the counsellor as I think it will sink in more if she points it out to him.