How to help my SD stop competing with me
So let me start by giving u a little background on us; my fiancé and I have been together
For 10 years my SD is 12 the two of them have had a rocky relationship due in large part to
Her mother and the typical baby mama foolishness. There were periods when DH did not see SD
For up to a year it was clear that BM was slandering both DH and myself and even SD at one point
Had no interest in DH long story short there was a time where DH had written her off. Well last year SD
Decided she had enough of BM's trifling lack of parenting and asked if she could come live with us. Of course we said yes, without even giving it much thought I would never deny her, her father and I know this is the best
Place for her. However I have noticed since she's been here with us that any time DH shows me any sort of physical affection SD watches us intently, if DH and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I get up she rushes to take my spot, DH and I have a routine when he comes home from work the first thing he does is kiss me, I've noticed some days she waits for him to walk in and then races over as if she's trying to beat me to the punch. DH has a bald head and it is one of my fav things about him it is also my thing to rub his head and walk up behind him sometimes and kiss the top of his head, I've noticed SD what appears to be mimicking those exact behaviors with DH. If DH and I are having a conversation about anything and he says I'm going to buy you this or take you to do that SD will interject with "what about me don't I get one" if DH tells me he loves me she will say awww what about me? She wants to sit in his lap like I do when we go out she wants to hold his hand especially if he's holding mine and I walk away when I return she is in now standing where ever I was holding his hand. Initially I thought this is normal she's insecure about her place with her dad so I made sure to give them ample time to spend with one another but it seems like it's not enough last night we were having movie night DH laid on the couch with first his head in my lap eventually he turned the other way as to see better as soon as he did SD grabbed his hand and began stroking and kissing it, and even nibbling at his fingers. When he comes home from work she will sit on the floor and rub and massage his legs and feet and I'm starting to become concerned. I am a bonafide daddy's girl true to heart my fathers 1 and only child I am very affectionate and DH and I are very loving towards 1 another I understand her seeking his affection but I feel like it's getting out of hand like not only is she competing with me for his affection but like she is trying to do with him everything she sees me do. Idk looking for some insight..... By the way DH seems like he's starting to notice and seemed a little uncomfortable with the hand thing last night
If SD has not lived with her
If SD has not lived with her father since she was 2 and has had limited contact with him since then maybe she has little experience of normal father/daughter interaction and couple interaction. She doesn't feel secure in her fathers affections but sees that you do, so she seems to be both vying for attention and trying to copy the behaviours of your successful relationship. If time hasn't addressed this then DH needs to have a tactful, caring conversation with her about it, but I imagine he's going to find that difficult.
I can relate. I have been a
I can relate. I have been a SM for 6 years now and I have had similar issues with my SD (14). I still have some issues. I know for a fact that If I wasn't here my dh would be still be tucking her into bed at night. She stills wants him too. There were a few years before I arrived where it was just my husband and kids so I know she was trying to be the "woman of the household" at a young age.
She also likes to cuddle on the couch with him, sometimes it is a little too close. My DH has talked to her about what is appropriate but half of it is only because I have said something. He thinks that I overreact sometimes. I know how she feels too cause she has made comments like. "I' m not allowed to do that anymore". Makes me feel like shit.
I know that I'm not completely wrong here but maybe I could be overreacting. Do all 14 year old girls still want to be tucked into bed?
I don't see this as serious.
I don't see this as serious. Yet. But it is time for Daddy to do something and what I think he needs is professional help. Ask him to find a counselor who specializes in children (teen children if you're in a big enough city) and their relationships with their fathers.
Go with him if he insists but explain that you don't want it to seem like you're the angry new wife who is over-reacting to his kid and making him seek help. You might be invited in by the counselor and in that case of course go.
I think both of you will be amazed at the help and insight a professional can give. If you're not then you've got the wrong person and that help should be forthcoming in just a few sessions - not months and it should not have to involve the girl.
Daddy, with appropriate knowledge, can handle this very easily unless the girl is abnormally attaching. This behavior is will known to be normal in that about ten percent of girls act out in this way. Normal but requiring action.
Honestly I don't understand
Honestly I don't understand it. She nibbles hs fingers and kisses his hand, he seemed uncomfortable with it. Instead of heading off to counselling as suggested, all he'd have to do so withdraw his hand. Now if he's afraid to,do that because he might upset her, then HE should go to parenting classes.
You cannot reassure her, her father needs to do that, but if he is afraid to displease her, that's the problem and that's where parenting classes may help.