How involved in my life does his ex have to be
My fiance' and I have been together for a little over two years. I have two kids and he has one. For the most part all is going well. It hasn't been an easy thing to accomplish, but we are trying.
We have been living together, with my kids for over a year. His son visits 3 week ends out of the month and for extended times when he is not in school. We have had our issues, but we have managed to work things out, so far.
One issue that I seem to not be able to get a handle on, is the closeness he still has with his ex. She is single and does not date much at all. They still talk several times a week, granted many of their conversations are about their son, but several times they have talked about my kids and things that are going on with them or issues that I might be having with my ex or even at times they have discussed things about our private happenings. All things that I feel he should not be, or want to discuss with her. We have talked about it many times and he has become more sensitive to my feelings on the subject. However, recently we moved into a new house. He has invited his ex to come and see the house. Now if we lived in the same city, I would not think much about this, but we do not. We live over 100 miles apart. Most of the time they arrange to make the kid exchange at a half way point, which works most of the time. I don't understand why he feels the need for her to see the house in which we have put together. I know that it is in a different surrounding than she lives in and that she may have her curiousities about it, but for him to invite her to come and have a grand tour of it, does not settle right with me. I think he is just trying to show off a bit. Sort of a look what I can do without you type of thing. I feel like I am being put on display. Like he is comparing the two of us and wants her to see that he has found someone who can do all the little things that he always wanted her to do. He says he just wants her to see that the place that he is bringing their son to is a good safe place and he wants her to see how much that the boy enjoys being here.
The thing is I will be at work when he has arranged this .
I don't know what to think about it. I would like to hear others view on this. Am I over re-acting?
I doubt very seriously that
I doubt very seriously that my husband would want his ex-wife within a 50-mile radius of our house, let alone want to take her on the grand tour. That was one of the key benefits of living in base housing for us... knowing that there was a gate and several armed Marines between her and us. Now that we live over 500 miles away, it's even better.
But if he did want to bring her by, I wouldn't like it. I mean, I think that we have a right to our own space that is totally free of her. And as his wife, I don't think I would appreciate him bringing her into MY home. I guess I can see the point about wanting to assure her that the child will be in a suitable environment, but jeez, email her some photos or something. I am a big believer in setting boundaries and having his ex-wife in my house is one line I know my husband would NEVER cross.
P.S. My hubby came in to see what I was typing about and when I told him it had to do with the husband-to-be inviting the ex-wife into the home he shares with new fiance, my husband said, "I think he's a dumbass." (No offense... after five years of "training," my husband has a pretty good idea of what would put him in the doghouse!)
~ Anne ~
You're not over reacting at
You're not over reacting at all. That is your house and you have a right to decide who will and will not be in it. I imagine your fiance's ex is probably the LAST person you want in your home. There is no way in hell I'd let my fiance give his ex a tour of our home, ESPECIALLY without me here. That would be an invasion of my personal space, however innocent it may be. I also understand your concern over your fiance and his ex talking... this has been a huge issue and the cause of many fights in our home. We finally sought counselling and our therapist recommended that the ex should only speak to me. It's cut out all of their non-kids related conversations completely. They still talk, but only if it's something that they really need to discuss, and it's always done with me in the room. (so I can eavesdrop) It's helped a LOT. This may not work for everyone, but if you can stand to talk to his ex, this may be a suggestion.
There are two different things here..
1st.. I agree with biomom.. She is right.. Let her come and see your home.. What I do not agree with is the fact that he has planned all of this while you are at work. You should be a part of this. It is your home as well. SO there I think you are not over reacting. Things that would be going thru my head would not be pretty. I would be thinking she is going to be giving him ideas on what colors should go with all that.. I think that is crazy.. I am weird like that, thinking all these horrible things..
I have been kinda in your shoes..
When my husband and I were dating I planned a b-day party for his daughter.. I did not want her mom to think I was stepping on her toes so I invited her.. All was cool until my husband (only one of the few times he tells me there conversations) says to me she said well what if I come to your house and go into to the kitchen to get something out of habit.. he did not really have any answer other then well I don't know.. I was a little un easy about it.. Her being there and all. There was another time when she was there in my living room waiting for son or something on my couch. I came home from work and my husband was in the garage and told me I about died.. I was angry with him but yet had to be Fake.. Which might I add I hate being fake with anyone.. But I did.. It was weird..
SO you have a reason to be upset..
Its hard not to be suspicious these days because "cheating" is so common anymore.. Not to say that is going on.. Or that anyone on here or anything.. It just seems to be the thing to do today.. Not me.. to many diseases out there.. SCARY
I gloated too....
I guess it is the “witch” in me but when we bought our house I was glad for the biomoms to come over for the first time! They got to see how cute we decorated the girls rooms (they share a bedroom and have a play room just off of their bedroom) and just see the house in general. I was very proud of the house, it is my first and I was 25 when we bought it….one of them lives in a home she owns that is about 1,200 sq ft and in a part of town that is quickly declining and the other one is 40 and went from living with her mother most of her life to an apartment so the fact that we just bought this 3,000+ sq ft home in a great neighborhood a month before we got married just PISSED THEM OFF and they absolutely HAD to see for themselves!
I know it was not very “big” of me but when I first met my husband he had just left one of them about 8 months prior and was living in subsidized housing until he could get back on his feet b/c he had nothing (he left her with only what he could pack in his car and she gave the rest away). So they got a kick out of the fact that he was “down and out” and wanted to do everything they could to keep him that way….I was also in a “transition” when he and I met and had move back in with my mother b/c school and work got to be too much so needless to say, the fact that we went from subsidized housing (basically government assistance) to buying our house in less than 3 years, I wanted to SHOW IT OFF and yes….RUB THEIR NOSES IN IT!!! (I know, I know, I’m horrible!)
Make a GREAT Day!
That is very big of you!
That is very big of you! While I know that is the way to be…a small part of me is just not there yet! (pray for me ;o}) I started out very nice in the beginning but once I saw the “real deal” …what they were about…I save my “nice” for others more deserving of it...Now it is “strictly business” with both of them b/c that is the way they made it...
Make a GREAT Day!
Thanks
I just want to say Thanks to all that have responded to my post. I really appreciate it, alot! It is really good to come on here, vent a bit and receive comments from people who are or have experienced the same or similar situations. Again, I say "Thanks"!!! You have given me some things to think about.
I hope you all have a Great Thanksgiving!!!