Husband is resentful that I don't want stepchild to live with us
Husband wants difficult child to live with us because he believes he can "fix" him. Husband knows I don't want to and I feel horrible for this. What to do?
I have been married to my husband for less than a year and he has an 8year old son who has severe depression/combination of ADD/ bad manners and acts just plain demonic at times. At times SS is really sweet, but I have created a distance from him after many difficult days and weeks.
Husband and I have a loving and great relationship when is just the two of us. As soon as SS is in town (he lives in another state), all hell breaks lose. We don't talk, nor have sex, nor watch what we want to watch on TV, nor do what we usually do. The little time he gets with his son is all devoted to him and he gets away with acting up, which disrupts everyone's routine. Our relationship becomes non-existent when SS is around and we have broken up (while dating) and even talked about divorce while his kid is in town. For some reason we all get very tense when he is here.
Now, the problem is, my husband's ex is a lunatic who is always asking ME (not my husband) if I could take her son for a few months because she has trouble handling him. She even asked me that BEFORE I was even married or living with my husband!!!
Husband wants to fight for custody because he believes he can fix his kid's problems. I don't want that. We are about to move across the country and trying to have a baby. I think it is awful timing and my experiences with SS have not been good at all.
I FEEL LIKE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON for not wanting SS around and husband resents how I feel. What to do???
The SS may very well need
The SS may very well need therapy and medication (don't know if this has ever been explored yet). Problems that severe don't just get "fixed" merely because the parent wishes and wills that they can do it. He can love his son but the marriage has to be the priority. If kids or skids realize they are the center of the adult's life, it teaches them no maturity. They just become little monsters.
Hold your ground.
Kids with ADD/ADHD/Autism,
Kids with ADD/ADHD/Autism, etc...do much better with dads...for some reason...I can't blame you for feeling this way, as it is very difficult to have to deal with this especially when you had no children of your own...believe me, I went through it...In my opinion people with kids should ONLY marry people with kids...it's not fair to those of us who have chosen to wait to have to deal with the craziness...hmmm...
I will say that kids with ADD/ADHD truly feel everything around them. If you are tense, they sense it. I have an ADHD/Autism/OCD, blah, blah, blah kiddo...when I am stressed, he can sense it and will push buttons and drive me nuts...when I am at peace, he is the sweetest boy. If he comes to be with you or even when he comes for visits, make sure that you take some time to YOURSELF to relax before having any contact...read a book, take a nice bath, go get your hair done, get a massage...etc...anything to make you feel relaxed. If he does something that drives you nuts, tell him to hold your hand...I know it sounds weird, but it works. When I was ready to whack my kiddo because he was screaming in the car, at a mall, whatever, before I lost it I would say "hold my hand" and I would hold his hand very gently...take a few deep breaths and tell him what it is that you WANT him to do...it may sound strange, but it truly works. Also, make sure he has an MP3 with headphones and some music he likes that he can disconnect from the craziness around him...it truly calms many of these kids down.
Believe me it is not easy...I know what you mean because I couldn't stand the mess with my DHs daughter...but she was just a little witch...not diagnosed with anything but being just like her mother...
Good luck.
It seems the only way it can
It seems the only way it can work is if Dad really steps up and parents. You said he's indulgent--if he continues that then it will be exactly like the visits. I wouldn't take this on without a master plan of treatment, discipline, expectations, etc. Open-ended magical thinking will not fix this, DH!
I agree. Sounds like DH is
I agree. Sounds like DH is trying to compensate for his absence while ss is visiting. He needs a reality check that if he continues that type of interaction upon ss moving in, he will only raise a spoiled child with entitlement issues. A game plan is needed, and one that involves quality time for all parties.
My BF asked me if his 17 year
My BF asked me if his 17 year old daughter could live with us and I said no. He was upset and made at me. Of course we are not married so I don't feel obligated to say yes. I told him that if he wanted to help her and live with her than he could move out into his own place with her and we would just not live together. But you being married I am not sure, that is a tuff situation and one of the reasons I don't want to marry my BF.
"acts just plain demonic at
"acts just plain demonic at times"
....and he wonders WHY you don't want ss to live there......LMAO.
Are they frikin blind??? I don't want my skids to live here either, and they are just entitled, lazy, disrespectful and mildly demonic.
I am having trouble figuring
I am having trouble figuring out how to express to my husband my feelings about this without offending him. He is already very upset and gets depressed.
When I first met SS I thought things would be a lot easier. I planned outings and fun things for him, but even though he was sweet at times, he was never appreciative and there was always some kind of drama between him and his dad. I found myself always trying to distract SS so he wouldn't get his dad mad. When my husband (then boyfriend) got irritated with SS, he would take it out on me and we would have HUGE fights over the stupidest things. He would literally want to end everything out of nowhere over completely irrational things.
And then there is the fact that my husband would get depressed when SS leaves -- I never understood that: if you fight with someone all the time, wouldn't you be relieved when that person leaves?????
After so many months of being in the middle of this storm I have learned to detach, even before I learned that stepparents do that. I no longer participate in many things, nor try as hard as I did. My husband takes it really hard though. He doesn't understand my need to step away and he doesn't seem to understand how the presence of SS alters and makes our life as a couple difficult.
How can I convey it to him? Should I just leave it alone until he brings it up? Seems like we have been fighting for two days straight.
this does not make you a
this does not make you a horrible person at all. You "signed up" for having the step however much you have him right now...I hate it when people say that by the way...we don't sign up for people to step in and RUIN or takeover our lives. we did not have pleasure in making these children...- so why have the stress of raising them?-bottom line. And if the kid has lived with mom for this long..he needs to stay there. She wanted to be the Custodial Parent - she's it. Mom is a verb not a noun - you just don't "give up" and hand them over! You've already predicted how your life would be if the step moved in...if you are trying to have a baby - you won't want to start a new family with the stress of the step around. ENJOY your own family time when you have it. MOST of us on here would agree - if our husbands, boyfriends, etc. did not have kids...or exwives we would not have all of this stress. Honestly, if my FH asked if fsd's 8 and 6 could move in...like really MOVE IN and be there 24/7 I would say NO. I did not sign up for that...I signed up for us having them every weekend. I know how stressful it is having them just for that amount of time - having them more would make me want to die. Stand your ground. If you love the way things are right now - keep them that way! My brother said something to me last night actually that made so much sense...he said, "You know unbelieveable - if you'd worry less about everyone else and more about yourself...you would not be such a mess all the time..." He's right.
IF you decide to let him move
IF you decide to let him move in I would definitiely set conditions-such as he gets evaluated by a mental health professional ASAP-gets medication if recommended by professional-that you and dh begin marital therapy so you can learn to work as coparents, family therapy as well, rules and guidelines decided before he ever gets there, and his 100 per cent agreement to back you up at all times. If your dh truly wants him there he will have no problem agreeing to these things as they will only help to ensure your success as a family.
Thanks everyone! It is so
Thanks everyone! It is so great to have a support group such as this because when it comes to situations like ours, it is so easy to start feeling like you are a bad person or unfit.
I had a long talk with DH last night and he seems to understand my point of view that;
1) BM always wants to hand me SS whenever he acts up. She doesn't talk with DH, but with me, about it; which I find it to be manipulative. Did I mention that she wanted to hand me SS when DH and I were just DATING?
2) BM always wants to give up on SS whenever she needs more money. It's her hook to get us discussing custody and she always picks an inconvenient time: like right before our wedding and right before we are moving
3) I want to have a baby and the problem with SS is that he is jealous of his younger half brother (BM has another kid), so I don't know how adding him to the mix would make things any better
4) Neither BM, nor DH ever thought about switching custody until I came into the picture. I believe that both think that now they have a 24/7 "nanny" (me), they can just make the change. I feel taken advantage of and manipulated.
I guess I was blunt enough with DH to tell him that if I know myself, I know I wouldn't stick around when caught up in this scenario.
I know I was too direct, but you guys are right. If I don't stand my ground, my life would be hell. It's good to be selfish in times like that.
You were not too direct!
You were not too direct! Sometimes these guys need to be hit with a 2x4! Your points are perfect!!!
You were not too direct!
You were not too direct! Sometimes these guys need to be hit with a 2x4! Your points are perfect!!!
DH wanted me to love his
DH wanted me to love his children unconditionally. He wanted me to be their mother. The reality is, they HAVE a mother (horrible as she is!). And, he pushed his kids and I so hard together that we actually kind of "bounced" off of each other and went in the opposite direction! Granted, I would never have been friends with either child, think their both a bit nuts, but I could have been civil towards them if DH had not forced the issue.
After 5 years, I finally just disengaged from his kids. Want nothing to do with them.
DH isn't pleased, but I'm to the point I don't care! He's such a Disney Dad!
I am glad I am not alone in
I am glad I am not alone in this... I keep thinking of those hollywood wives that claim that they love their husband's kids as if they were their own. I think that people who said that either raised the skid since birth or very young or are full of s***.
Btw, what is a Disney Dad???
Hollywood wives = $$$$$$
Hollywood wives = $$$$$$
If i got compensated adequately to deal with the hassle of having someone else's spawn all up in my space ... I might love it too.
I raised SS-31 with my DW since before he turned 2yo.
He is my son. He asked me to adopt hi.m when he was 22yo. We made that happen. So I fit your premise of "either raised the SKid since birth or very young".
As for Disney Dad.
Disney Dad = A failed family male breeder who does not parent their visitation or even full time failed family progeny but moves continents to create a Magic Kingdom existance for their poor COD progeny. No standards of behavior, no standards of performance, no discipline, and full sacfifice of any new GF or DW on the alter of martyrdom to the failed family progeny or even the failed family breeding partner (BM).
Or something along these lines anyway.
Here is a link to StepTalk FAQs. You can look up most of the TLAs (Two or Three Letter Acronyms) here. Disney Dad, SS (YSS, MSS, OSS), SD (YSD, MSD, OSD), HCGUBM, etc....
https://www.steptalk.org/search/site/FAQ
I'm so glad I had the
I'm so glad I had the opportunity to read this! Today has been the day from hell-it's been a blessing to hear that I'm not the only one in this situation!
My husband decided two months ago he wanted to go for full custody of his two children. BM bolted out of State without warning back in July but, after all the anger subsided and the dust settled, he seemed okay and satisfied with visitation. However, after a number of blocked dialogues, etc., the anger brewed again and, instead of respecting my desires and input as his wife, he went ahead and filed for full custody. Now, in these kinds of circumstances, and knowing how VA law works, I rolled the dice on the fact that the courts would just move forward and solidify the visitation agreement which would, indeed, have no doubt been the outcome had we not received this morning's phone call from BM: she is willingly rescinding her custody rights to one of the children and maybe the other...effective 12/11.
Naturally, my husband is overjoyed, as is his family. Myself; I'm distraught. We married on the basis that children were not an option. At the time, we lived in CT and the children lived in NC. Visitation was fine but living with us?! Not an option. Now I have 5 days to come to terms with the fact that, not only is my life and dreams about to be turned upside down, but that my husband doesn't respect me enough to take a second thought. Oh, and to add insult to injury, I'm the major breadwinner in the household so guess who just became liable for someone else's unwanted child.
I know I must sound like a horrible person even verbalizing all this but I'm really not sure what I can do at this stage...5 days and counting...
Not horrible at all. A spouse should not, and cannot make this
kind of decision unilaterally without asking their mate, with full prior discussion in detail, and comming to a prior comprehensive agreement. As equity life partners, you are both equity life parents to any children in your home/marriage regardless of kid biology. You have full unsurmountable veto rights. So, use them if necessary and do not equivocate in your stance, whatever it may be.
If this interferes in your life plan, taking a do-over and moving on is IMHO perfectly appropriate.
It sounds that your SO just decided and you were not included in any of the discussion nor were you included in the decision.
In my case, DW had full physical and legal custody of SS-31 from birth. We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I chose them when DW chose me. Not that SS was my primary consideration. I knew that if I was going to make a life with the amazing woman I am married to, I was also dad to her son. For a life together to happen, being his dad had to happen.
So, we started our blended family adventure as the 3 Musketeers and have made a solid life and family together. SS is a man of character and honor in his life as a viable adult, he is also a man of standing in his profession and community. His mom and I are very proud of the man we have raised together.
Anything that transpired during the 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO was decided by DW and I together. As has everything transpiring since.
IMHO, your DH is dishonoring you and your marriage completely with his unilateral dicates on taking custody of his failed family progeny.
If that is a deal breaker for you, that is his failure, not yours. IF you choose to end it, fully protect your best interests to the fullest extent possible.
The SKids are not your priority, nor should they be DH's. Kids never trump the adults and the marriage that are the core of any family, blended or otherwise. Children (minor children only) are the top adult responsibility. Two very different things.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
That's just really awfull. I
That's just really awfull. I have no words. The man is so entitled, not only he is comfortable with not pulling his weight and allowing you to be the breadwinner, but also lumping you in with his kids to finance, babysit, feed and wash. You married him with clear understanding that it's just the two of you, not a whole bunch of other people living in your house, leeching off you. In my view, that's a gross violation of your agency in decision making as well as the basic conditions of your marriage.
Do not come to terms. Throw the whole man out overboard.
I have no comment on taking
I have no comment on taking on your ss. I do however agree that you should hold off on having a baby. I had two sd with my ex and a bs. Things were horrible when sd's were around. Then when we added a daughter together they got even worse and I had to leave for my bs sake. We got divorced. Adding a mutual child makes things so much more difficult. And if you resent your ss now, it will be ten fold after you have a baby. And you will end up resenting your dh for not allowing you to enjoy your baby.
Figure this out first!
Hi, Gee, he is 8. But he is
Hi,
Gee, he is 8. But he is causing so much disruption and I get that. You have some serious behaviors going on in your home with him. He can be put on a response plan that you both understand to stop some of the behavior. When a kid acts out it can be helpful to know what the precipitated that outburst. What triggered it? But even knowing that you guys need to know how to respond. There are some very clean cut things you can do to stop bad behavior in additon to understanding why. So you guys need help. I worked in a classroom for 4 years FULL of kids like this. Home environment and school environment are two different things - but - still.
1) Ignore behavior. This is for unreasonable stupid behavior that is designed to get attention or disrupt the peace. Tantrums (let kid kick and scream safely but away from you & your husband)
2) Give alternative to bad behaviors the you know what triggered them (ok - so instead of acting like a little THIS you should do that. - instead of kicking your sister then you should walk over to her and ask her to borrow something...etc). And even show in front of sister how this kid will ASK NICELY for something.
3) Give immediate response that forces calming with bad behavior.
4) Reward for good behavior (for acting well for an hour or maybe 4 hours or a whole day they get a reward).
5) Punish for bad behavior (time outs - confinement in room for reasonable time - take away something)
Set a tone when kid comes to you. Use a sticker chart if needed. But there are things you can do to CHANGE his behavior in your home. As soon as he walks thru front door set the guidelines, make them reasonable and CLEAR. Then give a reward for meeting your guideliness. Show him "gee, if I don't act up things are better.
It is worth a try? IMO - he is 8. You have hope. Honestly, if you told me he was 12 I may say - ugggh - but 8 is hopeful and you can change this.
Good luck & whatever you decide I wish you and your family the best.
PS. You are better off with
PS. You are better off with sole custody!!!! That way you can control this and have a great chance of fixing it.
How much one-on-one time is
How much one-on-one time is he getting with his father? Does his father understand that his son is his responsibility and not yours? That he's the one that should be getting him to school, disciplining, parenting, etc. or is he leaving it e, or nearly all, up to you?
Do you really want to jeopardize your own gene pool with this
failed father? NOt only has your DH proven himself a failure as a parent, ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorders can have a decided genetic component.
Having a child with this guy will put your own children at higher than usual risk at having ASDs or ADHD type issues. And... DH has proven that he is struggling at raising one already.
At best, your child might not have the same syndromes. At worst, your child will and you will be stuck living your version of BM's life with what is likely even in your relationship with DH similar parenting challenges with a mate proven to be ineffective in dealing with these challenges.
I do not mean to wizz in your Wheaties on this, but.... these are the not so ignorable giant pink Elephants in the room when you are considering having children of your own with this partner.
Even if your own child(ren) with this man do not have these ADS/ADHD challenges, they will at the very least be raised with the regular invasive presence of their own father's baggage from his failed family.