Husband Says I Don't Connect with SD
So my partner thinks I don't like SD(11) or try hard enough to connect. She does some annoying shit like hangs on dad and is possessive of him. Constantly is asking him to snuggle her in her bed every morning and night. They do this "I love you two three four five" thing and they go back and forth a bunch about how much they love each other. She's constantly hugging on him and hanging on his arm. She has a whiney baby voice when talking to him..
Husband has gotten a LOT better about correcting her role as she was spousified the past 3yrs he was single before we got together. He has made a lot of progress which I appreciate and we are mostly happy and good!
Her and I get along well and she does like me, but when husband is home she acts differently towards me. She will ignore me and rarely asks me anything. She doesn't engage me when he is around and honestly I don't take offense to it. It's whatever and she should be spending time with him anyways, it's their time. But it does grind on me certain days when she just is constantly asking 'Where's my daddy?' When she needs anything.
Anyways recently he told me he thinks I don't like her and that I have resentment. He says I'm cold and don't play with her enough. I'll be honest I'm not the warm and fuzzy type.. Even with my bio daughter who is almost 4 I show her love but sometimes struggle with being warm and affectionate. We hug a handful of times a day and if we are watching a show or reading she will sit on my lap but I don't overdo it. SD personality is just... Not one I particularly vibe with. She is more artsy, quiet and is calling herself a "furry" and wears cat ears and a tail. She can be very manipulative and so immature it's hard for me to really connect with her. I can't have a genuine conversation with her because she can't follow train of thought and just makes bad jokes or will ignore a question and stare off blankly..
I do try and we have had some good moments but at the end of the day she's just not a personality I vibe with. The other day I spent over an hour with her doing her hair/nails and she showed me maybe an hour later that she had chewed all of her nail polish off and brushed out her hair. I felt like... "wtf did i spend all that time on your hair and nails for just so you turn around and ruin it?". She does shit like that a lot. Asks me to do something for her, then will turn around and undo it. Or she will ask me to make her food then turn around and not eat it. She doesn't ever thank me for anything, SO says she forgets but it's been a year and my daughter always says thank you so I don't think she forgets.. idk.. She has the quiet passive aggressive personality which I honestly am not a fan of. I treat her well and go out of my way to do things for her but she just isn't my type of person, if that makes sense. It's hard for me to connect because there's something about her my gut tells me I can't fully trust. And it sucks! But she lies often and has done some quiet, sneaky negative stuff that I don't appreciate. It's maybe affecting the amount of effort I put into bonding with her..
How fo you bond with a SK who's personality is one you would normally not spend any time with?
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Wow, tell your husband you
Wow, tell your husband you didn't realize that bonding with SD was a requirement. It's his time with her not yours. My filter is nonexistent right now so maybe don't tell him what I just typed.
You said yourself you're not warm and fuzzy. She sounds like she's a bit much to take, doesn't seem that likable and as long as you're treating her kindly that's all you need to do. It's on him to connect with her and it's on him to make her behave right and be likable. He's the parent, not you. He needs to worry about his relationship with her.
It seems to me that you are
It seems to me that you are already doing a lot to be kind to and tolerant of this child. That is enough.
You can't spousify a kid for 3 years and then think that your child will be able to bond with a new partner. It's a set-up. So many parents spoil and overcompensate after divorce and it's such a disfavor to the child and a disfavor to any future romantic partner. Of course she's going to have challenges with the new wife that dethroned her. It's wrong for your husband to put the lack of bond on you. Why would she want to be close to you when she's already daddy's girl? Why would you want to bond with a kid that is nothing like you and harbors resentment against you? She is his responsibility, not yours.
He needs to understand that
He needs to understand that bond and connection is a two way street. The best way to blend is actually to not push some "bond". It's ok if she doesn't see you as mommy.. and she doesn't need to when she has two bio parents already in her life.. if she is respectful to you.. and you to her.. and you are kind to her.. that is enough.
I would remind him you married him.. but that doesn't mean that she is going to be able or accepted in a mother role for his daughter.. you will support him.. and she is part of the family.. but there is no point pushing a bond when it can actually do more to backfire than anything.
I would say.. I would try to eliminate.. to the extent you can.. "negative speak".. in your mind and try to at worst have your internal voice be neutral.. I get she has been clingy etc.. but sometimes by faking it till we make it.. we can come off less "cold".. as you put it.
Next time he starts accusing
Next time he starts accusing you of "not liking" SD, just agree and turn it back on him. I had to do this with DH. I point blank asked him "Why would I want to bond with someone who has openly said she hates me and constantly disrespects?" That sounds like a toxic relationship if SD was ANYONE else. As a SM, you are not obligated to love your SK or "treat them like your own." I have told DH that if SD15 WAS in fact my own, I would be giving out consequences. But if I have no say in her behavior, so it is unrealistic to treat her as my own child.
Should you be polite and cordial? Absolutely. Even after the disrespect, I still give SD15 her space and only speak when spoken to. I'm not outwardly rude towards her. I don't go out of my way to do any favors and just keep everything neutral. It's a toxic pattern that I have pointed out to DH and he understands that I don't want to be part of any drama. It is every Disney Dads fantasy to have a happy blended family, where SM is basically a BM and does all the work. Makes it way easier for DHs right?
DH needs a reality check.
This is not bonding
It's SD trying to control the home. Placing a wedge between you and DH. ITS A power play
I understand perfectly what
I understand perfectly what you mean. SD was 12 going on 13 at the time of my arrival and could've written the same thing. No matter how kind or well meaning I was to have a familial relationship or something like it with SD..from day one...I felt deep down that something was just..off putting about her. Granted..I've never been an overly warm and nurturing type with kids yet tried to put forth some effort. In hindight..just mile with your SD..I just couldn't ever fully connect and relate to her as a person 18 years ago..which has only been made abundantly clear in time. Resulting in her being 30 years old and I can't even mesh well with her from one adult to another. Sometimes..part of you..mainly your gut..just instinctively just knows before your heart and mind catches up.
I'm for telling DH upfront that you shouldn't be expected to bend over backwards bonding with someone whom you don't share values and who blatantly disrespectsyou. Something I wish I had the balls to say right from the beginning of this sm journey. Fully knowing that if SD were anyone else.it wouldn't be expected to put up with them..so it's absurd that SD gets a special pass.
There is a lot going on
There is a lot going on inside your home. Some of which I would have told sd's dad, either he knocks it off our your out.
Are you legally married to partner/husband/?