SD Made Weird Comment About Being Like my BD 2nd Mom
Like title says... I have a bio daughter(4) and SD(11) has acted in a parental role with her a little bit here and there which both husband and I have corrected when we see it. She sometimes acts like husband's partner VS kid. It's gotten better but is still an issue that every now and then pops out.
Anyways. Today she told me she was "Sort of like my daughters other mother" after she said she had 4 parents(BM, Husband, BM husband and me) and I said my daughter just had me and her dad. That was her response. The comment was made while we were leaving the house and it was a bit chaotic so I was unable to address it properly, but I said something along the lines of "No. You're the big sister. I'm the mom. Responsibility of raising BD is me and your dads." And then BD almost hurt herself per always and I got distracted so the entire convo ended. I hate that this happens ALL THE TIME. Big important topics are brought up, comments are made and then one or both of the kids distract and it gets dropped completely. Drives me insane.
Anyways.. Thoughts on this? Am I overthinking this or is that a really weird comment for her to make? I told my husband many times I think SD thinks she is somehow on adult partner level with him and he gets upset and says I'm nuts. But, there it is.. right...? What an odd thing for an 11YO girl to say.. I suppose she does look after my daughter and she plays with her a lot but to think she's kind of like a second mother is wild.
Keep the overstepping SKid in her place.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Hmmm......
I understand your concern, especially with any mini=wife tendencies. But, she might be thinking of herself as a nurturer or caretaker, kind of a babysitter role. You'd want to encourage those feelings. I'm an older sister of a step, too, 8 years older.. At that age, I was proud of him and l was proud of my role.
I wouldn't worry about this, might even encourage her. But, I'd be vigilant about the mini-wife thing. At any rate, she will soon be so engrossed in her preteen life, she'll seldom notice your BD.
Thank you! I do completely
Thank you! I do completely understand this and was thinking this is what she meant... But we have had some spousification related issues so I think it made me do a double take. I have told her many times and will continue to tell her she's a great big sis and that we love the way she looks out for BD and helps her out with day to day stuff.
I appreciate your input! I think if it weren't for the "mini wife" situations we have had previously, I wouldn't have thought twice. Weird thing to say? Yes. I still think it's a little odd but can see where she was coming from...
I actually don't think it's
I actually don't think it's all that odd. She is a little girl.. at 11.. still playing with dolls practically.. and "playing at being a mommy".
And.. simplistically.. mommy's take care of kids.. and she is , in her mind, helping to take care of her little sibling.. so she is kind of assigning a lot of weight to her help.
She didn't say she WAS.. she said she was "like"..
I think commenting.. "oh.. you are such a good big sister to help your younger sibling".. is about all you need to address there.. if she starts overstepping into your adult relaitonship.. that's where I would think more of an issue needs to be dealt with.
Is she possibly being made
Is she possibly being made the caretaker when she is at her mom’s house? I know with Spawn when she came to live with is us, she figured she was in charge of BS and BD because her meth mother had her raising her younger brother there. I had a talk with her that she was just a kid and it wasn’t her job to raise anybody’s children. She still would do things on occasion, and I would let her know it was her job to go to school and be a kid and for me to worry about the other kids.
From this and your previous
From this and your previous blogs, she sounds confused and like she hasn't been parented well. You previously said that before you came along, your DH slept in bed with her and she was allowed to decide whose house she stayed at and when. She has been told she has 4 parents, so she probably thinks it's normal for the older people in a child's life to all be "parents." Also, your DH raises her poorly, but criticizes YOU for not bonding with her enough. It sounds like you and SD have unwittingly been sort of pitted against each other by your DH. Whether or not your SD will grow into a sensible young woman who can function as a teen/adult remains to be seen. Hopefully she will figure things out and head on a good path. But it sounds like the adults in her life (her actual parents i mean) aren't helping. She doesn't know her place and may be trying to figure it out as she goes.
I didn't have to blend my BS
I didn't have to blend my BS into life with DH and SS because he was already older. He started college and then me and DH moved in together. But I just wanted to comment on your SD's "imagination". I find that my SS who is 19 sees what he wants to see no matter what the reality is, or what DH tells him. I used to think he did that just with me, but I think it's a whole approach to life. He regularly erases aspects of reality that he doesn't like and just fills it in with his own notions. I strongly believe that this came from his parents not putting enough limitations and boundaries on him. He even had a therapist when he was 15/16 yo who kept telling BM and DH to place and enforce more boundaries on SS. Not sure what he was saying to her, but it had her concerned. But unfortunately they're both really bad at boundaries. They teetered between being too harsh or too lax. I would continue to keep SD grounded in reality by reminding her over and over again her role in the family. Don't let her become too immersed in her ideations. I think my DH did SS a disservice by not checking his mini-wife tendencies.