Husband worries his kids will feel abandoned
Hi everyone, just registered on this forum to ask this question. My husband and I have been co-parenting our 4 wonderful daughters for almost 3 years now (two of his 12,15 and two of mine 5,12). I have a great relationship with his kids and until recently we had a really smooth sailing. We have his kids 3/4 nights a week, plus their mother drops them off every morning so kids can get ready at our house and walk to school. Initially we moved in with my husband, while I rented out our old house. While our two 12 year olds have been ok sharing a room, we really need to give them more space and move into a bigger house. I want to move closer to the city where we both work full-time, so we can cut on commute time. Also my daughter is going to a different school next year (paid by my ex). We were looking for a house closer to work and between the two schools, which would mean about 20 min bus ride for both his kids and my daughter. Now my husband tells me he won’t move out of the area, because he is worried that if he only sees his kids 3/4 nights a week (because they won’t be dropped off every morning at our place if we move) and sees my kids almost every day, his kids will feel abandoned. His kids were happy and excited about the new house and a new subburb, they didn’t seem to mind the bus ride.. I have a feeling his ex-wife is putting fears in his head, because she needs morning “daycare” and doesn’t want to change her routines. Any thoughts?? And what do I do? I don’t want to 1) sell my old house and invest in the area I don’t enjoy and 2) have my child commute for 40 minutes to school
Oh for god's sake. Can't he
Oh for god's sake. Can't he ask his children directly, they are not babies. He "only" gets them 3/4 days a week? Last time I checked my math, that was 50/50.
Just say, hey kids, I'm worried you will think I don't care about you because SM's kids are here more than you, and let them say, no, dad, we all want our own rooms!!
BM can shove off. They are old enough that she doesn't need "morning daycare".
At 12 and 15 they are almost
At 12 and 15 they are almost out of the house. You certainly don't want to invest in a house that makes it clear they can camp out there forever. They should also be able to get themselves ready at BM's and get to school on their own.
I can assume a lot of enabling behavior from DH and BM. Not a good sign for launching.
It needs to be for DH more painful to upset you rather than upset BM. His loyalites are still divided.
Thank you for this) I
Thank you for this) I actually don’t mind them living with us while they are at uni or getting up on their feet, but I sure want it to be in the area convenient for me)) funny enough most universities are also centrally located, so should be better for them in the long run anyway
Just say no. This should be
Just say no. This should be a mutual decision. 40 minutes is a long distance for your daughter, and under no circumstances should you sell your home to buy one in an area in which you don't want to live. I agree with you that this is probably his ex being upset about losing her morning daycare.
Is it possible that this may
Is it possible that this may not be about BM, and that he might actually miss seeing his daughters every morning before school? My DH would be a no go on this too, he wouldn’t want to move only to spend less time with his daughter either.
Totally possible.. so what
Totally possible.. so what would you do in this case? The agreement always was we were in his house temporarily. I guess he assumed we will look to buy a new one in the same area, while I always thought it would be somewhere in between where both of us used to live
Really, I don’t think men
Really, I don’t think men think the way we do, he may really want to move, make plans to, and then realize it affects his kids. Whereas I know the kids would be on my mind at the start.
I get that it’s a crummy situation with your daughter going to school so far away. I’d say compromise, or separate until the kids are grown. Maybe he can do/give something to make the situation more comfortable for your daughter.
Kinda sucks to be separating
Kinda sucks to be separating on such a trivial matter.. everything else is going really well, we established really strong relationships with each other. It’s not perfect, but it’s beautiful and I love him and his kids. I’m however struggling to compromise on this one as I feel my kids and I have compromised more (on balance), particularly with big things like choices of trips, schools and living arrangements were made around his kids and ex, not mine. I have always been fine with it as I thought it will swing in roundabouts, but doesn’t seem to be the case now..
As you describe, everything
As you describe, everything in your relationship is going really well....as long as it is you and your kids are the ones that have to "compromise" (give in to the needs/wants of your SO and his kids despite your and your kids needs). What happens when you demand it's HIS turn to compromise?