I can't stand my SD. Please help.
So I've been acting father to my SD for around 8 years (she is 10) and have two children of my own with her mother (2 and 3, boys).
We have been in lockdown since March and because I lost my job and the mother still works full time I have been looking after all 3 by myself (the mother is staying at her mother's house because of the potential risk of covid).
At the start I had a very hard time with SD regarding general bad attitude, being horrible to her brothers, being selfish and lying constantly and I mean constantly.. It took me about a month but I stopped her behaviour as best I could but some things still continue.
She always lies to me about simple things eg. Washing her hands, brushing her teeth or why her brothers are crying (as soon as I leave the room she will annoy them or maybe even hurt them, although hurt them isn't too often) and claim she has done nothing wrong even though I KNOW she's lying.
After about 3 months of this I have just started to hate her.... It sounds harsh but I can't even look at her without my blood boiling.
She has told her mother that she feels unloved and that's why she does this and I'm now looked at as the bad person even though I have tried my best to be patient and nice but I can't force it anymore.
I'm sorry if this seems a bit uninformative I'm typing this on a phone and it's hard work.
I just want to explain that we were perfectly fine before this whole covid situation even though she has always been a bit annoying and attention seeking.
What can I do?
Welcome to the site!
It does seem a somewhat peculiar arrangement the two of you have atm - if your partner is at her mother's ALL the time - is it because of the risk of covid to her, or to you and the kids? The lockdown rules here (ie in the UK) about households mixing don't apply when it's kids needing to move between parents. If I were in your shoes I'd be inclined to tell partner that the arrangement isn't working for you, you are finding SD10 too much of a handful, and she needs her mother's input. She may indeed be being extra demanding and challenging right now if she is not getting to see her mother.
Just told my SO that this isn
Just told my SO that this isn't working. I'll see if anything changes when she's back.. I hope so.
It sounds like this situation
It sounds like this situation really is putting extra stress on everyone. I'm sure that the fact that you aren't working and having to deal with the kids all by yourself (which I'm sure is somewhat a reversal of roles) is not easy. The stress isn't just related to her daughter.. but she seems to be the point where all your frustrations about "everything" are aligning. It isn't her fault that you lost your job. It isn't her fault that her mom is away and that you are stuck doing all the childcare. She is the odd man out here.. the only girl.. the one unrelated to you.. the oldest etc... I'm sure that missing her mom and all the other "covid lockdown" stress are making her behavior less than perfect. It wasn't as bad when mom was doing the caregiving.. but you are naturally aligning with your own kids.. and I'm sure she feels that too.
Unless there is some real valid reason to keep mom away from the family... it may be better at this point to just go ahead and reunite to get some semblance of normalcy back. You could then be more proactive about becoming re-employed as well. All of that would make things easier for everyone in the long run. It's been darn near 3/4 of a year in this situation and likely given the ages of everyone.. the likelihood of a serious medical issue is smaller for you and the kids... maybe the "cure" of keeping her living elsewhere is worse than the illness itself.. if it's creating such a big divide?
I'm not taking g anything out
I'm not taking g anything out on her that she hasn't brought on herself if that's what you're saying? It is also not a role reversal situation as we have both been looking after the children equally whilst the other is at work. I find it no trouble at all being a stay at home dad for the minuet but I suppose her behaviour may be because of the pandemic. I'll hear that in mind.
I think the best option may be to just bring mum back home and deal with the loss of wage if anyone does contract Covid.
Some of this is expected behavior...
From a kid that age. I hate to say that, but I have 5 kids that are older than 10 plus 2 13 year old SDs and a 9 year old DD so I've been and am there. The pandemic on top of it is making everyone nuts. I imagine losing your job and relying on one income is adding fuel to the fire.
I think some of the lying is totally normal. My kids around that age would lie and tell me the sky was green. I chalk it up to just seeing what they can get away with. If I think my kids are lying about something simple like brushing their teeth, I send them back to do it again while I watch. Your teeth can't be too clean!
I've always told my kids if they lie to me, I will find out and their punishment will be far worse than if they did something wrong but told the truth. There have been times when a kid told the truth and I didn't punish at all for what they did specifically because they fessed up to it. It may be worth it to sit down and talk to your SD about lying and its consequences, then give her chances to be honest.
Hurting the other kids, though, is a different thing. I'd do whatever I could to make sure SD isn't left alone with the younger ones. Consider putting cameras in the common areas where the kids play. I have several in my house and they're VERY handy for determining who did what when you're not around. I can bust my kids remotely from my phone and even talk to them through it.
You are the adult in the home
You are the adult in the home. Your SO is not there so whatever she has to say about parenting is irrelevent until she returns to the home and can observe her daughter's behavior first hand.
If your SD's behavior does not meet the standards of behavior and performance that you set for the home, then she needs to experience effective consequences. Her abuse of her two toddler aged brother's needs to result in severe consequences and a durable state of abject misery until those behaviors cease. This is not a young child. This is an 8yo who is choosing to be an illbehaved abusive asshole. Keep her nose rubbed in her lies and abuse of her little brothers and make sure you stand your ground with your DW on enforcing consequences for your SKid's behavior. Kids test boundaries but lying and abusing toddlers is far from normal behavior IMHO.
That your DW is okay serving her toddlers up as victims to her toxic failed family progeny is alarming.
Good luck with all of this.