I hate my SD with a passion
I've been her stepmom since she was three, she is now 7. I can't stand her. Her father works all day, 6 days a week. So I am the one who is having to discipline her. It irks my nerves that I am having to play the mother role when she already has one and I don't get enough credit for what I do. She's has called me a stupid bitch under her breath, she gives me dirty looks, tells me no, literally pushes my buttons on purpose. Then, when her dad is home, he thinks she's just this sweet little angel and the annoying stuff she does isn't a big deal because he's not dealing with it 24/7. She's been doing this demon growl randomly and I keep telling her to stop and I've gotten to the point where I honestly just want to slap her in the mouth when she does it. I'm resentful because I have to play the mother role and she doesn't repsect me enough to even see me as a parent figure and I'm jealous because she's hangs all over her dad when he's home and I just want him to put her in her place basically. Like, tell her she's grounded for being an asshole to me everyday, to discipline her when she's purposely being annoying, or when she tells me no. She used to call me mom and lately she's stopped doing that and I think that's another reason why I'm resentful towards her. I don't know what to do. Like I don't even want her coming here. She goes to her mom's every other week and when she comes back I get so irritable and I'm rude towards my husband. I need some advice because I have honestly tried everything to get her to start listening and respecting me again, but I've reached a point to where I just want to be childish and be rude back to her. Like, if she tells me "no" today, I wouldn't mind having her sit in the corner ALL DAY, just becaus I can. Even though I wouldn't do it, I am so tempted. I'm so hateful towards her that I want to be mean to her. I want her to know that I don't have to be this great stepmom and I don't have to take care of her. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't even get to see her dad because he works too much. She's so selfish and I just want her to know that she could be treated as Cinderella, in hopes that she would start being nicer or more respectful. The other day, I had my two year old nephew over.. I had to run to the bathroom or I was gonna crap myself.. well, I heard him get up on the kitchen table and slide the ashtray around. I yelled for my stepdaughter to make sure he wouldn't get into anything on the table that could hurt him cause I was in the bathroom. She yelled back, "Okay." Well, I come out and my nephew had ashes everywhere and had gotten into my cigarettes and ate a few of them and broke the rest. I didn't care that my pack of cigarettes was ruined. I was mad that something bad could have seriously happened to him and she was sitting on the couch playing her damn Minecraft game on the PS4. I said, "What the hell." And she said, "Oh yeah, he was doing something bad." I said, "Why didn't you go in there and move the stuff out of his reach like I asked you??" While she's still playing her stupid game she said, "I was trying to build this thing on..." As she's telling me this, she doesn't even acknowledge that I'm upset, she's just so absorbed in the game.. I said, "You know what?! I don't give a fuck about your stupid game! You're done playing it! What if he had choked on them? He could have died and you would've just been out here playing this stupid fucking game! How would you feel knowing that you let your cousin die because you were too worried about a video game?! You're selfish and you do not care about anything unless it pleases you! Go to your room and sit on your bed!" Honestly, I wanted to throw the damn controller at her head. I know it's not her responsibility to take care of a toddler, but she's 7 years old and if I'm stuck in the restroom with shit on my ass, I should at least be able to expect her to help me out for a second by making sure her cousin is safe. This is the way she acts ALL THE TIME though. She doesn't give a crap about anything unless it has to do with her games, her YouTube shows, or her play time. It's all "me, me, me." That's how it is when her dad is home. "Me, me, me." She wants all his attention and to be up his ass 24/7. I understand that she doesn't get to see him until it's like 7pm on workdays and only every other Sunday.. but I don't get to see him either and we have a newborn together that he needs to tend to also. I just want her to be like, "I wanna live with my mom and I don't want to come back here." I need some advice? I'm going crazy.
If cops stood by the side of
If cops stood by the side of the road and yelled at speeding drivers, do you think they would stop speeding?
Kids are aholes and they need consequences. If they upset you and nothing happens to them, that's a double bonus for them, they get to do what they want AND annoy you. It makes them feel powerful.
The consequences have to outweigh the reward. So stay calm and take her electronics away. If she talks back, she needs a nap.
Maybe she needs to go to a daycamp.
Take the games and all
Take the games and all devices away permanently. TV too. They are not vitamins, she does not need them, taking them away is not abusive or wrong in anyway. Get yourself some headphones is she doesn't stop whining about it. Only if she is polite and respectfully for a sustained amount of time can she have them back. By that I mean a few months, if you give them back more quickly she will learn that a few nice words gets her toys back and nothing will change. If her behavior keeps degrading, keep taking away the things she likes. A 10 minute time out for swearing is not unreasonable. When she does do something positive reinforce it with positive language and affection, but don't give any privileges back.
1 of 2 things will happen;
1. She will get tired of having privileges taken away and start behaving.
2. She will tell BM she doesn't want to come because she doesn't get to play video games.
Either way one of your wishes will be granted.
Hmmmm....yes she sounds like
Hmmmm....yes she sounds like a monster. No, it's not her responsibilty to keep your cigarettes and ashes out of a toddlers reach. If you dislike her so much, tell the father that you won't be watching her anymore. It sounds like you are ready to blow a gasket and can unintentionally end up hurting this kid. Remove yourself before it gets there.
Holy gawd
Give lil Cinderella a broom and make her sweep. Then I would ditch her at the store, ONLY KIDDING! But dang the thought would be there.
I am bio less so not tons experience in this department but I would take away everything extra when she behaves like an ass.
I'm gonna give you the
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that you're just at your breaking point. A few things that you NEED to do, though, before her next visit:
1.) Tell your DH he gets her into daycare or he stops taking her while he works. He can pick her up afterwards.
2.) Get yourself into therapy to help you work through your rage and resentment that you've placed on a child that should be directed at your DH and his ex.
3.) Stop babysitting the 2 year old when SD is around. You can't handle both.
4.) Install nanny cams and voice recorders.
If you can't accomplish those things before the next visit, then you need to leave. SD is being a brat because she is poorly parented. However, you're in no condition to care for her. You could hurt her. This is a matter of safety for SD. My guess is that if your DH read this blog, he'd kick you out himself.
5. Put your cigarettes and
5. Put your cigarettes and ash tray up when kids are around.
6. Don't smoke inside with a
6. Don't smoke inside with a kid around. They don't deserve lung cancer for OP's vice.
We smoke outside, I bring
We smoke outside, I bring them inside when I'm done so they don't blow all over the yard.
I second pretty much of all
I second pretty much of all this.
Aside from the rage I am
Aside from the rage I am stuck on "my nephew had ashes everywhere and had gotten into my cigarettes and ate a few of them"...ummm did you seek medical attention for the kid? I don't think eating nicotine is a good thing?
If you are the one
If you are the one responsible for her 6 days a week, you are going to have to find your lady balls and start parenting and disciplining. Do not abdicate your place either in your marriage or as the primary adult authority figure.
If she calls you an F'n Bitch under her breath, grab he by the scruff of the neck, swat her on the ass, march her firmly to the nearest isolated corner, plant her nose it it and tell her that she will hold the intersecting walls apart with her nose until you get tired.
7 is more than old enough for her to live a life of abject misery for her shitty behavior. Deliver that state of abject misery each and every time she earns it. If daddy cries about it, tell him to pull his head out of his ass, man up, see reality and deal with his toxic spawn. BM... well.... BM gets no say about shit for anything when SD is in your home.
Take your due diligence in giving her the clear message that her misery is tied to her behavioral choices. Be specific. As her behavior adjusts, point out the positive results.
Lather............. rinse............ repeat.
It sounds like you have
It sounds like you have several issues going on right now. You are overwhelmed and need to take a few steps back in order to regain your mental health.
I would suggest making a plan that you get a break from SD for at least a few hours during the day when DH is working. Whether she goes to day care or BMs.
Definitely get counseling for yourself.
I would also suggest developing a behavior plan for SD with clear rules, expectations and consequences. Kids respond better to structure and consistency.
An example of what I mean is if SD is asked to do something and ignores you when asked to do something because she is immersed in her game. You simply walk over and shut it off. You tell her she has lost that privilege for X amount of time and why. If she continues to argue send her to her room and ignore her.
This is how I handled SDs. Asked to get out of the shower, I get backtalk. I shut the hot water off. Not ready on time, you don't go.
Here are some suggestions
I am not sure of your financial situation, but when your husband is off, he is responsible for his daughter the entire day. That means you get a day off from having to deal with her. If that is not possible, and you want to spend time with your husband, she gets put into a daycare or babysitter situation for at least one of the days that your husband is working, and you have that day to yourself. During this day, you take it off to do what you love to do, whether it be reading, going to the zoo, painting, or anything positive. The reason for this is that it will recharge you so you can take on the next week coming up so you can deal with her and not have the resentment towards her be so bad. I wish I could say that this will get better, but this girl has it in her mind that you are the enemy and she doesn't like you. It probably won't change, since she is exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. For more information on Narcissists, look up HD Tudor on Youtube. What your SD is looking for is a reaction from you. I know this is so hard, but continue to exhibit patience and kindness. If it gets so bad that you want to lash out, remove yourself from the room or where she is at until you calm down. I wish I had better news for you, but it is only going to get worse if your husband doesn't start backing you up. He will create a monster even he won't be able to control. That will start in her teens and move well into adulthood. You may even get to the point where you can't be in the same room alone with her, if the false accusations start. It is very important not to give her a reaction. That is what she wants, and it gives her fuel, whether it be positive or negative. The day off is for your sanity. I hope this helps, and I know this is so hard to deal with. You have a long road ahead if you choose to stay, but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs.