I love my half sister - but my Bio Mother sees no good in her, i am always caught in the middle.
I am 24 Years old, my half sister (from my bio father's first marriage) moved in with us after a long custody battle (initiated and driven by my bio mother) at the age of 8 along with my half brother (aged 10). We grew up in a fair household where i was brought up knowing that we were all loved equilly. My half siblings bio mother wasnt the best mom around - and hasnt seen them since they came to live with us. they didnt have the ideal life with her as she was obsessed with men and always prioritising boyfriends over her kids.
At the age of 18 my half brother went to university and never came back - he never had a good relationship with my Mother or any of us - depsite being treated well, he was always a problem child. i have not seen him in 10 years. my half sister was always a great family member and a wonderful person - she and my mother were always close - although i do think my mom was sometimes harder on her than on her bio kids (3 of us). I am very close to my half sister, although i can see that there is allot about her personality that is different from me and my 2 bio sisters, i love and accept her with her faults. My sister was legally adopted when my parents married and my mother always loved her like her own child - or so i thought.
20 years later, my brother is nowhere to be found and my 2 older sisters are married with children. i have recently gotten married too - my half sister has battled to find a lasting relationship and has been in and out of relationships all her life. for SOME reason, we have all noticed that she doesnt posses the same set of morals that myself and my 2 bio sisters do - she tends to give into her desires with guys far earlier and more frequently than we were brought up to believe is right... because of her different lifestyle and "free" attitude - she has been drifting further away from my Mom and is no longer close to her.
My mom seeks advise from me constantly about her - but never has anything nice to say about her. i feel like she judges her more harshly becuase they are not "blood" and this is extremely difficult for me to understand and accept because i grew up with her being my REAL and closest sister.
i no longer wish to have anything to do with the differences or disputes in their relationship - even though i too do not agree with my sisters choices in life - i have learned to accept that she will do what she wants to regardless of family advise or approval. My mother is having difficulty moving past it and it has now become unpleasent to be around the two of them at family functions because there is so much tension and so many nasty comments thrown by them both.
our family has always prided ourselves on being so very close to one another - this is causing a major rift. my mother is stern, and i do not feel that i have the strength to request that she leaves me out of it or seeks professional advise on how to deal with her problems - but at the end of the day - my sister is 28 and has the right to live her life the way she chooses - weather she is dissapointing her family or not. i choose to concentrate on my OWN marriage and my OWN happiness instead of causing strife because of something out of my control. I wish that my Mother would do the same.
my mother has brought us up thick as theives, but now she expects me to "choose her side" - i cannot all of sudden see my sister as a "step child" when we were never made to feel that way growing up?
its like she was only made a "step child" when she got her own place and began making her own decisions - when she began living her own life. regardless of weather her actions are selfish or incorrect - a mother should never condemn a child that she agreed to take care of and love?
i am battling to get my mother to "Love" her again - as i always have.
Your doing the right thing
Your doing the right thing focusing on what is within your control. You can only control your actions and reactions. I think your mom is being rather selfish unless there is more to the story that maybe you do not know about. Is it possible they had a argument and hurtful things were said?
I always try to view from the other persons perspective and when I still can't make sense of it, I will ask straight up questions that will get to the root of the problem. I'm not sure what could be going on but it could be more then you realize.
I would not push your mom to love her again and I suggest that you do not allow your mom to come between your half sister and you. If your mom is putting a wedge between you and your half sister, she is sticking her nose where it don't belong.
Women...some just can't be mixed unless you want a war. My mom and I are the best of friends but I can only take her in small doses. Her and I are blood and I feel rejected by her much of the time. Its a woman thing for the most part. We both have our total b***h bones and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think you could use more space from your mom if she chooses to not control herself with her approach on your relationship between your sister and you.
You sound like an accepting person and I hope your mom can someday take a page from you.
I agree with what StepAside
I agree with what StepAside has said. I know that I stepped into parent my ss when he was just 1. BM was around-just had different priorities. Saw him regularly but didnt actually parent him. I raised him alongside my children as siblings-treated them the same-same opportunities, same home, same everything. We were, IMO, very much a family unit.
However, the one who ended up refusing to accept us as a unit was ss himself. By the time he had reached 9 or so I believe he had decided the grass was greener on the other side and he didn't "fit" here. I think those thoughts had actually been floating around for sometime and he jsut didnt voice them until 9 or so-up until that point he acted out. He's almost 15 now and most definitely is nothing like my bio children-he appears to have NO morals and values.
I've come along way in my own healing over the years-but had a rough go of it 5 years or so. I felt very betrayed that I had poured everything I had into this child, who then chose to reject me over and over again. By words, actions, values. Everything. My heart literally broke as I truly loved this kid. I have no love for him whatsoever now but it was a process.
Maybe your mom's feelings have also been a long time coming. Maybe she thought your sister would change? Maybe more recently she has realized that she is definitely not. Perhaps there have been some encounters between the two of them over the years that you are not aware of that have shaped how your mother feels. Also another consideration, is that perhaps if YOU had the same morals your mom would be disappointed in you as well and share those feelings with other family members.
If it makes you uncomfortable when she talks about your sister, then I certainly think its ok to let her know that. I think that would be ok in any situation, be it step, bio, whatnot. But I'd also try to understand her point of view as well and not judge your mom too harshly for the way she feels.
i appreciated this response
i appreciated this response immensely! Everything you have said makes complete sense - this is EXACTLY how my Mom feels. i realise that my original message seemed like I was judging my Mother - but I have remaied supportive to her throughout everything that has happened. i have "taken sides" many times and have given advise to both her and to my half sister - many of the actions from BOTH sides are not right? My sister does often treat my Mother like a STEP and vise versa - perhaps it is ME who needs help understanding such a complex relationship that never existed when we were younger?
The problem is that this has been going on for years and only seems to get worse - i am constantly pulled into the middle and expected to choose a side - i do exactly as you have suggested in discussing other things instead or just offering a word of understanding when she is battling - but when she continues with her "gossiping" naturally it hurts me - as she brought us up to be so close and supportive of one another. The same goes for my half sister - if she discusses my Mom I am always quick to set her straight and show her what it might feel like from my Mother's point of view - this however never helps because my half sister seems bent on living her life the way she wants to. I believe that maybe if she did show more genuine appreciation of my Mother and really show her the same amount of love that the rest of us do - perhaps my mother would find it easier to accept my sister more for the way she is?
When your mother wants to
When your mother wants to talk, comment or ask questions about her just give a non-committal answer such as "nothing new" or "same ol stuff" and re-direct the conversation in another direction. Repeat as necessary.
When you become the source of nothing she'll tend to quit bringing the subject up. You're not going to change her so forget that.
Have you searched on Facebook for your brother? Or other social sites?