You are here

Part two....before I say "I DO"

sandersdawn's picture

Submitted by sandersdawn on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 5:57pm

THANKS so much for the comments! Im comforted to know that I am not crazy and making thing more than what they are in my head. Let me give you all some background about my feelings of being a "step mom". I was raised my a foster mother. I was a horrible teen and she loved me and did a GREAT job with me. I have finished high school, college, master's degree and working on a Ph.D. I have never been in trouble with the law and I do not have any children (not saying thats a bad thing). However, I have 4 other sisters and brothers (not raised with me) that have had a very difficult life. I am the only one to finish high school! When I look back at my life I am more than blessed that this woman became a mother to me. Even after I was too old for foster care, she is still my mother. Actually there are people that dont even know I was a foster child. Because of her being a great mother to me, I have grown to be a very successful adult. Now...............when I look at my soon to be step son, I want to be that person to him. I know that I could be the influence that can take him on a more positive road. However, I did not have either birth parent, and he has TWO. I think I may take the advise of stepping back.... I think it bothers me because I feel like I do SO much and its not noticed. So, If I am not doing as much that should help. I wish my BF could see things from my point of view....im sooooo confused.

Comments

omgsaveme's picture

Submitted by omgsaveme on Thu, 03/14/2013 - 9:17pm

Thats awesome that you had a good outcome being in foster care. I havent even read the previous posts but best to fall back and let parents do what they do.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 8:37am

That's the problem. No matter what our best intentions are, they have parents. Dare to overstep your bounds and BM will be all over you. Sometimes this is something as little as helping a skid with their homework, because BM feels threatened that you're somehow smarter than her because you're helping a third grader study for a spelling test. Dirol It doesn't matter if BM is a lazy, dropout on welfare and you're CEO of your own corporation. Trying to help skid usually results in BM getting all butt hurt and you're made out to be the bad guy. I once had the audacity to buy skid a book about the college he said he wanted to go to. BM got pissed that I was trying to "force" her son to go to the college I wanted him to go to. :?

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 8:59am

I think this is a problem that A LOT of us fall in to. I too came into my relationship with DH wanting to "save" him and his skids. I think it's a womanly instinct. DH told me horror stories about how awful both BMs were/are and I felt bad for him and bad for skids. I wanted to be the knightress in shining armour and that mother figure that you are talking about, that gave these kids a chance at a better life.

Unfortunately, I got knocked over the head at just about every turn by BMs and then eventually by skids. Skids and I started out fine, we did lots of fun things together, we enjoyed each other. (They were 8 and 9) They are now almost 14 and almost 15. SD has stolen from me, called me a cunt and bitch, and said she hated me. SS has always been respectful of me to my face (says hi and bye) but that is the extent of any conversation that we ever had and I KNOW that he does not like me either. We rarely see him because he is too busy shoplifting at age 12, smoking cigarettes and pot at age 13, failed the 7th grade and is in danger of failing again this year, and just hanging with his wanns be thug life, gangster buddies.

I guess my point is, that you, as a foster child were "saveable" because you DIDN'T have one (or two) crappy parents influencing you. As long as you have BMs that these kids can run to, BMs that fill these kids heads full of crap about you (intentional or not),you are setting yourself up for major failure, trying to save them.

Bojangles's picture

Submitted by Bojangles on Fri, 03/15/2013 - 9:28am

I admire your motives, and it's great that you have been inspired by the example of your foster mum. But there is a great deal of difference between being a foster mother with clearly defined legal responsibility for a child, and control over their upbringing, and being a stepparent to a child with bio parents involved, where nothing is ever clearly defined. The odds are stacked against you being able to achieve anything in the long term because when your opinion or approach differs from the parents it will be rejected, either openly, or through a slow process of inconsistency and not supporting your efforts. When you were a horrible teen I imagine you could have behaved a lot worse if you'd had a mum and dad in the mix and been able to play them off against each other to get your own way. The only way it can possibly be worth committing to life as a stepparent is if you are totally sure that you want to be with the Dad, and if he steps up as a parent with compatible parenting style right from the start. Otherwise it's just not worth the risk.